Spouse wants to vax in secret, what can I do?

[etc]

She is sneaking behind my back, making arrangements, today told me at the last minute and I rushed from work to tell them I didn't want it. She actually got lost on the way there and I gave her directions to get home. But I am sure she will try again.

Our 2 year old had a minor scratch from dog 4 days ago, completely healed, she is convinced that CPS will take him away as our pedi said he will report us (Never seen the son in person, just phone conversation)

[onlyboys]

Wow. Sounds like a long discussion is in order. Hope it turns out well.

[etc]

She had a panic attack today, screaming in the car how she is going to lose "her baby". She is extremely gullible and believed everything the pedi told her, while I think she was just blowing hot air, but maybe not.

I do need to see someone ASAP to calm her down. there is really no possibility that our son got tetanus from this minor dog scratch - yes there was blood but it wasn't deep at all. She now thinks that unless we get *all* the vax they have, we will lose our child.

When I insisted that I should be a part of this decision making process as a parent instead of being excluded, she said I am not going to lose my baby over your foolishness.

[ammiga]

I think the best thing you can do is sit down and talk to her. Find out what has changed in her mind to want to vaccinate after you both agreed that not vaccinating was in the best interest of your child. If her issue is about a specific disease, look up that disease, how likely it is, the side effects, the side effects (long and short term) of the vax, how effective the vax is, etc. If it's fear about something else (like CPS), look into the resources about what will happen if CPS is called and how to protect your family. Do it together in a non-combative manner. You made the decision together the first time, and you should continue to do things together. Remind her that you are a team, and both want what is best for your child. It is important that you stick together as a family, and she will remember that when you approach her in a calm way that works through whatever scared her. You should be her rock, not the pediatrician.

[Emmeline II]

I think I sent you tetanus information already. I would watch the Tenpenny video then help her find answers to these questions for ALL the vaccines.

Here are some questions to answer in deciding about vax.

1. Name of the disease
2. Description of the disease
3. Length of time from initial infection to end of all symptoms
4. Infectious period
5. Normal symptoms of the disease
6. Known serious consequences of the disease
7. Proportion of persons infected developing serious consequences
8. Transmission route of the disease
9. Prevalence of the disease
10. Treatments of the disease and efficacy of those treatments
11. Relevant research about the disease
12. Name of the vaccine
13. Company that makes the vaccine
14. Contents of the vaccine
14A. The significance of whether or not the vaccine is live
15. History of development of the vaccine
16. Known side-effects of the vaccine and rate of incidence of those side-effects
17. Possible side-effects not yet acknowledged by the vaccine maker
18. Relevant research into the vaccine
19. How effective is the vaccine at preventing the disease?
20.What is the vaccine meant to do? (Many vaccines are not meant to prevent infection or transmission).
21.Number of cases reported each year.
22.Number of deaths reported each year from the vaccine and natural disease.

Here are some sources to help you out:

Vaccines: The Risks, The Benefits, The Choices 1/18DVD, By Sherri J. TENPENNY



http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/mmwr_wk.html (download the current issue)
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pin...k-chapters.htm
http://vaers.hhs.gov/pdf/PackageInserts.pdf
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...40451107552&q=
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...87981735&hl=en
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pin...ses&deaths.pdf

Health Sentinel Graphs

WHO GRAPH

Vaccine Injury Table

Beyond Conformity Resources Page
Do you have a quick-fire summary?

Inside Vaccines

[SunshineJ]

Print out the indicators of tetnus. For example, what conditions does it thrive in, what are the odds it's in a dog bite, etc. Discuss that with her so that she first off sees that the dr was blowing smoke about the risks of tetnus. Point out that it takes 2 weeks for the immunization to kick in which effectively renders it about useless in the situation where someone has already been exposed. Try to use this logic and information to broach the fact that the dr is pushing HIS agenda. Also, have the state statutes showing where your state allows a parent to decline immunizations (this will be under information for school enrollment). Then point out that CPS *cannot* remove a child due to a non-vax status, that would be penalizing parents for following the stated LAW. Once you have her calmed down about the immediate emergency, I'd have a very long talk with the dr about false accusations and information and let him know how hysterical your wife was because of him while she was behind the wheel of a car trying to get her son into his office because of his fearmongering. Then I'd find a new pediatrician asap. Good luck with this one!

[etc]

Yes, I sent her a tremendous amount of information I got on this site and apparently it's of no help. She is acting highly irrationally, these people were able to manipulate her.

I am working hard to schedule something tomorrow, or ASAP, so we can go get examined so the new pedi can confirm that there is nothing wrong. If the CPS do show up, I will direct them to this new pedi and get a report from him.
In short, she is completely overreacting.

[bbrandonsmom]

I'm so sorry. Has she read over the information herself? Once she's calm, maybe she will. I completely understand where she's coming from. Last yr a few drs cornered us and said cps would take our kids (because he was sick, but also it didn't help that he wasn't vaxed). But I got mad, not hysterical. I got in thier face about how they couldn't threaten that and actually had the hospital dr's on my side. I would definately put a call in or try to go see that dr in person. They can't do that. Talk about fear mongering to the 100%.
Vaxing is def a decision you both need to make together though.

[ursaminor]

I am sorry about all of this. Are you saying the pedi said he would call the CPS if you dont vax against tetanus? I didnt notice what state you are in, but there very well could be 'religious' exemption. What could the CPS do, anyway? There must be some legal resources online you could get a hold of about this situation. Maybe even someone who could talk to your wife.

[MovingMomma]

Call CPS preemptively to find out what they would do if they got a call about non-vaxing. Most likely they will tell you they wouldn't do anything. You may or may not want to share that with the dr. Be aware that the dr. may throw out other things if s/he does call CPS. Medical neglect, any other alternative things you do no matter how legal they are, etc.

[etc]

I am in Maryland.

I am trying to schedule something ASAP with a new pedi so relieve her worries for the most part. She acting very bizarre. Sorry to say but my spouse is just a bit emotionally disturbed. She has this condition - not sure what to call it -- but she will come up with a fantasy, assign it to some person and then worry for days about it and blame someone.

I am just sick to death of being pushed vax onto my son, as if something does go wrong, we will be the only ones stuck with the liability. Nobody will share it with me. If that's the case, I have the right to be overly concerned.

[lotusdebi]

Ask around our Maryland forum for a nonvax-friendly ped in your area.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=81

Honestly, there are so many serious abuse cases in central Maryland that CPS would most likely laugh at anyone who called about someone not vaccinating. Some pediatricians use extreme fear tactics to push their agendas. It's a bullying behavior and should be illegal.

We do have religious exemptions in Maryland, and you don't have to detail what your religious beliefs are or get approved or anything. Just say you have a religious exemption, and mark that on the vax form if you ever need to submit a form for school or camp in the future. I've been doing it for years with no problem.

[etc]

Thanks for the feedback.

[chaoticzenmom]

Do you have a naturapathic dr. near you who can calm her, or a chiropracter who would be willing to discuss natural health with her?

[etc]

Looking for one aggressively in Montgomery county, Maryland.

[babygirlie]

Perhaps a visit to her own dr would help with her anxiety issues or a psychologist. If she has a disorder and just had a baby her hormones could be making her off kilter and her meds may need adjusting?

I would look up her disease or disorder and find coping methods like.. statements that will bring things in perspective. Like Deep breath. We can do nothing while you are in a hysteria as mistakes can be made that WILL lose our child.

[Marnica]

Originally Posted by etc

I am in Maryland.

I am trying to schedule something ASAP with a new pedi so relieve her worries for the most part. She acting very bizarre. Sorry to say but my spouse is just a bit emotionally disturbed. She has this condition - not sure what to call it -- but she will come up with a fantasy, assign it to some person and then worry for days about it and blame someone.

I am just sick to death of being pushed vax onto my son, as if something does go wrong, we will be the only ones stuck with the liability. Nobody will share it with me. If that's the case, I have the right to be overly concerned.

Wow...you poor man! Def sounds like this issue is beyond the vaxing. What your are describing is a delusional disorder of some kind. I hope she can talk to someone and get some help. You are not being overly concerned at all! What if you turned things around? Ask her how she would feel if your child had an extreme adverse reaction to one of the vaxes she wants to give? I can understand getting hysterical at the thought of losing a child, but maybe if she can see that that risk will be there either way. Whatever happens I wish you luck!

[JMJ]

This is your wife. Remember to treat her with just as much gentleness and respect as you would your child. I think that we can learn a lot about how to treat our spouse from how we are learning to treat our children and vice versa. Even if you think that her feelings are irrational, they are valid because she feels them. The more you put yourself in opposition to her, the more she is going to oppose you.

I know... trust me, I know... It is so hard to be truly respectful of your spouse's point of view when you just *know* what is best. You love your son so much, and you really believe that the course of action that your wife wants to take will result in harm to your baby. It's so hard to hold that inside of you to value your wife and her opinion, but it sounds like you have to take the first step here. She probably feels like you are equally irrational. Breathe, meditate, pray for patience, then sit down with her to talk.

Stay calm - Keep it peaceful. She may get very emotional, but if you stay calm, it won't be able to turn into a fight.

Be open-minded - Give her a real chance to convince you. Tell her that you value her opinion and want to understand it better. It sounds like you have already done more research on this subject, but if the information was different, you would have come to a different conclusion. Give her a chance to change the equation in your mind.

Listen attentively - Really allow your wife to express how she is feeling. Understand where she is coming from. This will help you know better how to respond to address her fears.

Validate her feelings - Let her know that you understand and respect how she feels. Sample: "It must feel horrible to be afraid that our son could be taken away by CPS." If it helps, use some of her words to repeat back what you heard her say so that she knows you aren't tuning her out.

Respond with patience - Take a deep breath. Start with phrases such as, "From what I've read...." or "As I understand..." These are really non-threatening phrases. You're not saying that she's wrong. You're saying that you have reached a different conclusion.

If she argues that your information is wrong, invite her to look into it with you so that you can both be operating off of better information. This will help you narrow down exactly what issues need to be addressed. A lot of other posters have given you great ideas to suggest to your wife in this stage such as calling CPS to see how they would respond to a call about vaxes or putting together an overview on each disease and each vaccine. Give her the choice to be involved in the research so that she can be in control or to have you do all the legwork so that she doesn't have to.

Then, after all these steps, ask her if she would be willing to hold off until you can answer your (both of your) questions in order to make the best collaborative decision. Assure her that if your research reveals that vaxing is better, that you would be willing to do so, but you (both of you) need to figure things out first. Then, promise to work quickly with her to figure things out so that not vaxing doesn't just become the default decision simply because you never worked things out.

I have used this to talk to my husband about home birth, cosleeping, vax, circ, and we're working on discipline bit by bit (not that he disagreed with me on all of those, just that we had respecectful discussions about all of those so that we could make the right collaborative decision). I do most of the research, so I know things that he doesn't, and he tends to really respect that, but sometimes, with different information, he comes to different conclusions, and I have to respect that for us to even be able to get on the same page. God knows I've had some *bad* opinions in my life. I have eaten my words so many times since I got pregnant, I've lost count.

[ckumelos]

I have a lawyer on retainer for just such an occasion as CPS/DFS being called about not vaccinating. I'm not sure, but perhaps it would calm your wife to know that she has the LAW on her side against the CPS.

Thanks,
Celeste