Tandem disaster

[Katica]

I have a 3 years 3 months old DS and a 2.5 months old baby girl. The baby is laid back and nurses every 2-3 hrs. My toddler on the other hand, wants to nurse all. the. time. If I sit down to nurse the baby he comes and pokes her and pulls on my shirt. I get this icky feeling when I nurse both of them at the same time- I just feel..trapped for some reason and want to pull him off. He lately has been waking up 2/night to nurse.
It`s gotten to the point that I cannot relax anymore. I`m tense and the baby can feel it. She`s been nursing less and she usually stops when "big brother" comes.
Any advice on how to survive tandem nursing? I admit I really didn`t want to tandem nurse, it just happened.
TIA

[Juvysen]

*hugs* I didn't have a great tandem nursing experience, either. I ended up weaning DD sooner than i think I would have otherwise - that said, Ds was 12 months old or so when DD weaned. The first few months were hardest for me. I got the yucky feelings whenever DD nursed. It was horrible. I started doing limits... like nurse for the count of ten. Or nurse until I couldn't do it anymore and then count down. It wasn't fun, but at least she got some of the comfort. I also tried to do as much alternate sorts of comfort (hugs, having her on my lap, etc) that I could.

i don't know if that'll be much help, but I guess mostly I feel for you. BTDT, and it is not fun. Hopefully it gets better for you soon, like it did for me. The first three months were the worst with the "yuck" feelings, I think.

[madeleines_mom]

I guess I don't know much about tandem nursing, or nursing a 3 year old, but I would think that if you're starting to have those feelings about nursing, perhaps it's time to think about weaning the 3 y/o? I've heard a lot of people who tandem nurse say they get those yucky feelings and I just can't imagine why anyone would want to keep something going that's making them feel that way, KWIM?? Your little girl really needs your milk right now and while the 3 y/o enjoys it too in a different way, he can survive without it and you've done SO well nursing him this long!! I'm just a "go with your gut" kind of person and I think your gut is telling you what you should do.

Obviously if tandem nursing is something you think you want to push through and make work, then I'm sure that many other women on here will have advice for you on that.

Good luck!!!

[isabchi]

Hang in there mama!. The first few months of tamden are hard.
I been there!.
Now that my second is almost a year and a half, I can say the thing are better.

Maybe could be a good idea that you try to talk with older in full sentences about how you feel and also if it's possible set some to exclusive attention to him, when the baby is rest and/or the sling. ei.. to play, just him and mommy.

My older had a huge regression about nursing, walking, talking, going by herself to the bathroom,..and so on..Also, my MIL was here and complaining all day long about my preference for the new baby...WTH!!
Well, after all thing were better and I'm happy now tamden nursing. I'm so gratefull that my old continue to nursing. She just had the flu a couple weeks ago. Her symtons were relative mild and she's nursing once a day, some time skypping a day or two.

Good luck to you!

[Katica]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I got the yucky feelings whenever DD nursed. It was horrible. I started doing limits... like nurse for the count of ten. Or nurse until I couldn't do it anymore and then count down. It wasn't fun, but at least she got some of the comfort. I also tried to do as much alternate sorts of comfort (hugs, having her on my lap, etc) that I could.

i don't know if that'll be much help, but I guess mostly I feel for you. BTDT, and it is not fun. Hopefully it gets better for you soon, like it did for me. The first three months were the worst with the "yuck" feelings, I think.

Thank you. What`s up with that yucky feeling anyway? This is the same child I had worked so hard to establish nursing with. I hardly even get a letdown when I`m nursing him. Sometimes, it just seems like my body is rejecting him Guess, I just have to pull through.

Originally Posted by madeleines_mom

I guess I don't know much about tandem nursing, or nursing a 3 year old, but I would think that if you're starting to have those feelings about nursing, perhaps it's time to think about weaning the 3 y/o? I've heard a lot of people who tandem nurse say they get those yucky feelings and I just can't imagine why anyone would want to keep something going that's making them feel that way, KWIM?? Your little girl really needs your milk right now and while the 3 y/o enjoys it too in a different way, he can survive without it and you've done SO well nursing him this long!! I'm just a "go with your gut" kind of person and I think your gut is telling you what you should do.

Obviously if tandem nursing is something you think you want to push through and make work, then I'm sure that many other women on here will have advice for you on that.

Good luck!!!

You know he`d stopped nursing before the new baby came. He regressed really bad after Naomi was born and for a while he`d poop in his pants too. I would really want wean him but he is not in any way ready. Guess, I could do it if he would only ask to nurse 2-3 times\day. But asking every time I sit down is getting to me.

Originally Posted by isabchi

Hang in there mama!. The first few months of tamden are hard.
I been there!.
Now that my second is almost a year and a half, I can say the thing are better.

Maybe could be a good idea that you try to talk with older in full sentences about how you feel and also if it's possible set some to exclusive attention to him, when the baby is rest and/or the sling. ei.. to play, just him and mommy.

My older had a huge regression about nursing, walking, talking, going by herself to the bathroom,..and so on..Also, my MIL was here and complaining all day long about my preference for the new baby...WTH!!
Well, after all thing were better and I'm happy now tamden nursing. I'm so gratefull that my old continue to nursing. She just had the flu a couple weeks ago. Her symtons were relative mild and she's nursing once a day, some time skypping a day or two.

Good luck to you!

This regression thing is no joke. He also wants me to take him to the bathroom and even feed him. I haven`t tried explaining to him how I feel mainly b/c I`m ashamed of it and I really don`t want him to get hurt. But, I guess, my body language says more than words.
But he is benefiting greatly from nursing. His cold symptoms were much more mild than usual too.
I want to continue just this feeling..

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by Katica

Thank you. What`s up with that yucky feeling anyway? This is the same child I had worked so hard to establish nursing with. I hardly even get a letdown when I`m nursing him. Sometimes, it just seems like my body is rejecting him Guess, I just have to pull through.

I don't know, specifically, but I guess if you think of it in an anthropological sense, it sort of makes sense to wean the older one... like if you're in a food situation where you can only make enough milk for one.

My mom's husband used to raise horses, and he said that as soon as a mama horse gave birth to a second baby, the first (older) baby would be kicked away and such every time it tried to nurse. Clearly mama horse got the same kind of yuckies. It may just be sort of an a adaptive remnant for us... which is oh-so fun.

That's my best guess, but I know it's not all together uncommon.

getting a new sibling can be a hard transition for everyone. Hope his regressions back down soon, and things even out I know for me even having other stuff even out would make nursing easier. It seemed that it was hardest for me to nurse my older child if I was in any way stressed... which, of course, was almost always exactly when she needed it most (i.e. mid-tantrum, or whatever). I keep telling myself on all these things "this too shall pass"... and it invariably does, replaced by some new challenge But that's life, I guess?

[popbaby]

Tandem nurser here too! I am nursing my almost 3 year old, and my 5 month old. It has been very challenging...I don't get the yucky feelings that you speak about, but my 3 yr old has become very demanding...nursing more than my 5 month old (or so it seems!)

I make plenty of milk, and her nursing continued nursing has been great for many reasons, but I feel she has regressed in areas as well. She demands and whines for my milk, she screams if I say no, or not right now. She wakes up several times a night to nurse...more than my 5 month old! She was almost potty trained before DD2 came, now, she is trained so to speak, but she wants to put the diaper on to do her business

We do family bed, but she has her own room, which before DD2 came, she was happy to stay in there more often...now, if she stayed in her room, she would just wake up and cry for mommy's milk...again, if she doesn't get it, she screams.

My partner wants me to wean, but I really want to wait for the winter sicky season to be over...she also seems to really need it..I know it's a connection thing...I work full time (in the house though), and I am trying to quit, but for now, it's her main way to stay connected to me.

It's hard...but we'll make it through to Spring.

Just wanted you to know your not alone.

[Katica]

Well, Ds wakes more at night than the baby too. If I refuse to nurse him, he`ll get very upset and wakes every one else too. Dh hasn`t said anything about weaning and he isn`t ready anyway. The trick is to set limits so I`m not nursing 24/7.

[ellesmom]

My 3 year old has started waking in the night to nurse again! I have been trying to feed her a wholesome, hearty meal before bed... oatmeal with peanut butter... somthing heavy to hold her over the night. That has seemed to help a little.

[etsdtm99]

my oldest was a bit younger than yours (26 month when DS was born, tandem nursed for 11 months) and all i can suggest is SET LIMITS... i did this before my DS was born and stuck with it but there is no reason you can't start now . nursing my oldest also gave me an icky feeling and i never did nurse them both at once.. i could barely handle nursing her alone! anyway, i only let DD nurse before bed, i would tell her 'babies need lots of milk becasue they can't eat food, but you can eat other foods so you only have milk at nite-nite time" .. she did great with it, but she also wasn't 3... 3 was a much more challenging age so i can imagine it might be harder.. but it is not fair for you to be so stressed out and both of your kids can feel that so if it were me i'd say something needs to change, either weaning or limits...

eta: my DD also continues to regress in many areas, despite being fine with the nursing limits and self weaning at 37 months .. we are constantly trying to get her to stop acting like a baby..

[tubulidentata2]

I can't read all of the replies, but I had a similar experience. I started wearing DS in a wrap for most nursing sessions to avoid DD's constant requests. Now DD (3.5 years) is down to 3-4 nursing sessions per day. DS is 6 months. Good luck!

[jillmamma]

Those first few months of tandeming are hard! I remember my oldest wanted to nurse all the time at first too. I found that setting limits by telling hmi "later" instead of "no" helped, like "you just had some milk this morning, we can have more again after lunch before your nap", and for him, knowing that he COULD, but just not right NOW helped. Also, getting him outside (I know, hard this time of year) or being out and about, would keep him occupied and he would not ask so much. One other thing, is just spending some special one on one time without baby (like if I could get her to nap in her pack n play for a while) just focusing on him and playing with him helped him to get some of the attention he was seeking and he would not ask as much. Some of it is just wanting to reconnect with mommy, so sometimes if you can offer a substitute, it works. We worked through it though, and went on to tandem nurse for 2 years till he weaned at 4.75.

[Katica]

Thank you ladies
Well, I`m all about setting limits but it`s very challenging with a 3-year-old. I do tell him *later* instead of *no* a lot of times too but it doesn`t seem to do the trick. He just wants milk every time the baby nurses and much more.

Right now, I have a cold and the night wakings have been really hard. I lost my patience with him after waking up for the umpteenth time and I feel awful about it.

I try to spend one-on-one time with him every day but the baby doesn`t stay asleep for more than 10 mins at a time.
Ok, can`t focus, better finish for now

[faiths13]

I am tandem nursing right now and it has been hard. When ds4 was born (in oct) and my milk came back in, ds3(25 months then) was so happy! i really wanted to nurse him, but he suddenly wanted to nurse constantly - more than the baby. If I wouldnt give him milky he would cry and scream and throw a huge fit. I tried telling him in a minute, or later, or baby needs milky first, but he didnt care. luckily dh was home on family leave act and was able to help distract him alot! i also had the yucky feelings when trying to nurse them both at the same time, so i dont do it much. now it doesnt bother me so much, but i prefer not to anyway. the first couple of months were def the hardest. i had resentful feelings and hated nursing him. i heard from a lactation consultant and my mw's to set limits, so thats what i have worked on. i also read something by dr sears about talking to your dc about it. i tell my ds3 he can have a little and then its time to play/sleep/eat/whatever. it has worked amazingly well. it has really helped our nursing relationship and i have lost any resentment or bad feelings about it. sometimes i even tell him he can have a sip and i let him have a few drinks on each one (he has to have both) and then hes fine. when he starts screaming for it i wont give it to him. that has been the hardest. he often does that early in the morning when he climbs into bed with us and wakes up dh and the baby too. i hate that. but i realized that if i gave in every time i was telling him he could get what he wanted to that way. i tell him he cant scream at me to get milky, that he wont get any. he is starting to say please instead and excuse me to ds4 so i will move him so he can get some milky. its finally starting to get easier and he is wanting it less. he only is nursing a few times a day or less on most days now. i hope you can find something that works for you!

[Kidzaplenty]