s/o parent expectations: NOW what do you say to ttc-er's?

[Nansense]

Great thread about our expectations pre-kids. SO now that reality has set in, what do you say to friends & family who ask you about the realities of parenthood? Do you cover up and say it's totally wonderful & fun OR spill about your really hard times and that it's much harder than you thought?

When dh & I were on the fence about having kids, my f&f said how great it was - all the while dealing with tantrums, biting & hitting mom, etc... I would have preferred the reality. So now I tell the truth.

[lonegirl]

I tell the truth....it is great! I love it. Sure every age has it's phase that sometimes I wish we could just jump over...but the reality is without that it would be boring.

[Alyantavid]

I'll tell the truth if they ask. Mostly I just tell them to be open to other ideas that what they might have before having kids.

[sewchris2642]

I say it all depends on the child. Joy and Angela were "easy". Erica and Dylan not so much. I think the best way to describe having and raising children is challenging and ever changing. And even in the midst of the most difficult times, it's the best show on earth.

[Betleowe]

My bestfriend is pregnant with her first child, due next month. We've been more busy planning how my youngest one and his new baby are going to be best friends forever and all that stuff Cheesy I know, but I guess I'm guilty for not telling her all the parenting stuff. But she sees me with my daughter and she knows that parenting is no walk in the park.

She says "I'll ask when the baby is here, let me fantasize for now"

[SaraC]

DH and I were just discussing this over Thanksgiving with a newly married couple who are thinking about TTC in a few months/year. I told them the truth. That sometimes it is hard. Really hard. And that just when you think you cannot deal with another sleepless night, tantrum, cold meal, being interrupted just when you start to DTD, etc. you blink and they are 8 years old (the age of our oldest) and you cannot believe how fast it went. Now we still have a baby but I see the outcome of all of that hard work in my older girls and it is wonderful and so totally worth it all.

[Drummer's Wife]

I definitely remind them that it goes so quickly! so enjoy each moment (even the crazy ones).

I don't say things that were said to me like, "sleep now while you can" -- b/c 1) often times pregnant women have a hard time sleeping at the end of pregnancy anway, and 2) my babies, while they nursed frequently at night, I was never lacking sleep like people assumed. I quickly learned to nurse while going back to sleep (plus my first baby slept through the night at 10 weeks -- not so much the next 3, but I was never up with a screaming baby for hrs at night).

But yeah, I'd tell them about some of the crap I've deal with (such as poop all over, vomit - yk, the yucky stuff) , and that once they become mobile it gets a bit more challenging.

It's just hard to know what to say good or bad -- b/c some babies are colicky, and some hardly ever cry. I was lucky enough to experience to latter, so I can't complain at all about early motherhood with an infant - it was a breeze.

[Thalia the Muse]

I say that lots of people are going to tell them "Oh, your whole life will change and you won't sleep for months and BWAHAHAHAHA!" And what I want them to know is yeah, it can be hard sometimes, especially when you have tiny babies, but nothing can prepare them for how completely delightful they will find their own children and how much fun they are going to have, and how much they are going to love that baby, in ways they can't even imagine beforehand.

It seems like prospective parents hear a lot of horror stories (I know I did!) and what they don't hear enough is how incredibly enjoyable and rewarding having kids can be. On a purely selfish level, my DD is so ENTERTAINING! Way more than the cat has ever been!

[Tigerchild]

If they're just wanting general reassurance, I generally say that as long as you have an iron-clad sense of humor, you're going to be fine.

Specific questions, I will answer bluntly but always preface it with it coming from my individual perspective.

I think there are lots of people who are sorry they asked me how fun it was to have newborn twins and a 17 month old, since I think they were imagining baby doll fantasyland. These days I will ask people if they want the Hallmark Special version or the reality show version of my reply. ;>

HOWEVER, I always stress that trying to avoid taking yourself uber seriously and learning to cultivate an easy laugh and appreciation for irony is probably one of THE most important parenting skills EVER. 'Cause I think that's true no matter what the situation is. Hasn't everyone come down to those laugh or cry/scream moments? I'd rather laugh. Though to be honest, there have been plenty of times where I've done all three simultaneously.

[Girlprof]

Love the iron-clad sense of humor idea.

A friend of ours has the best description. He always tells people - it's like climbing the highest mountain in the world. It will be more tiring and difficult than you can imagine, but the views can't be beat.

[Turtlecouple]

I find that even when people ask, they really don't want to know the "truth". I think most first time parents think "we'll be different, our kids will be different" kind of thing. I know I did.

I usually tell them that you just do the best you can and you gotta find what works for your family. The good times are better than you can imagine and the hard times are harder than you think.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Nansense

SO now that reality has set in, what do you say to friends & family who ask you about the realities of parenthood? Do you cover up and say it's totally wonderful & fun OR spill about your really hard times and that it's much harder than you thought?

Neither. IRL I don't give advice. I get that out of my system on-line. IRL, I just parrot back whatever the other person says.

Person X -- I'm on the fence about having a baby.

me -- So you not really sure if you want to have a child at this time?

There's no way I could tell them the truth even if I tried. It's way too complex.

[Qbear'smama]

I tell them the truth, that DD has overall been an easy child but that it really depends on the child's temperament and that they get no guarantees about that. I tell them that having a child is like being in love, you think about them all the time, you want to be with them all the time but sometimes they make you crazy and you feel underappreciated but then they do something wonderful and you fall in love all over again .

[Musubi]

We have a few friends who are TTC and we completely tell them the truth. That while we sometimes miss going out, we don't regret trading the bar for babies.

We also tell them to be prepared to be "outed" everywhere you go. lol The first time DD yelled "mommy! mama!" in the middle of Target we quickly looked around to see who had heard. We realized that we needed to be completely okay with that, and to react would send the message that having two moms was not okay. Sometimes I still hush her in my head.

[NiteNicole]

I think for me, when I found out I was pregnant it was such a total surprise. I hadn't really thought about what it would be like other than I thought it would be REALLY HARD. A LOT. And it was. So hard. Who knew you could be that tired? Or go that long without sleep? Or sitting down to eat? Or a shower?

What *I* didn't know what that I would gladly set myself on fire to make her happy, healthy, and safe. That even when I'd been weeks on end without more than an hour's uninterrupted sleep, she would still be able to smile at me and rock my world. That throw up is gross but it's not THAT bad and it really IS different when it's your own kid.

So when people ask, even though it has been REALLY HARD they will get mostly a rosey picture from me because that's the biggest shock - it's hard, you'll be tired, sometimes gross stuff happens, and when they get sick you want to die and you would happily kill a stranger to make your child feel better but at the same time, I'm amazed every day. It's like I never had a heart till I had this child. And that's what I tell people. It will change your life but it will be amazing.

[lifeguard]

I would tell the truth. But we are the last of everyone we know right now to have children - 6 years of ttc will do that!

[RunAround]

Someone told me and my husband the line about how parenting is "the hardest thing you'll ever love". That is about the most accurate thing anyone told me before my first little guy left my belly.

Honestly, an expectant parent is in that weird purgatory, not yet a parent, but not not a parent. If people ask, I don't sugarcoat it. (But, because I got a crazy hard baby, I also have to resist the temptation to scare the wits out of the prospective parent for sport!) Essentially, I suggest they be flexible and point out a few resources I found useful. Other than that, most of the time it's too late for advice - they're already on the non-stop express to parenthood!

[IntuitiveJamie]

I tell people that having a child is like having your heart walking around on the outside of your body.
I don't necessarily get into the details. But in general when I talk about my children to anyone, I always tell the truth. I might say, "whoa C and I are having a really tough day together. He is going through this phase that I cannot figure out how to handle..etc etc" I also tell a lot of great things about my children too.
It's strange to me because I find that I'm one of the only people that admits when my kids being difficult.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by RunAround

(But, because I got a crazy hard baby, I also have to resist the temptation to scare the wits out of the prospective parent for sport!)

That was funny.

[sapphire_chan]

Co-sleeping is awesome, ECing is easier around 3 months, baby sleep isn't linear and anyone who claims it is is trying to sell you something.