On the fence at 38 weeks.

[EmmysMama]

I considered UC with DD and again this pregnancy but DH's anxiety so far has kept me from really planning it from the beginning/early on.

At this point though, I've stopped seeing my OB and I'm not sure if I'll go back. I'm 38 weeks today.

She's nice enough and everything, comes highly recommended for natural birth and VBACs, but I just don't click with her. A lot of little things have been bugging me. First of all she insisted I look her in the eye while she was "feeling my pelvis to see about a VBAC", and afterward she went on about how she thought I could birth a "normal" size baby but DD was "huge". I was very uncomfortable with this. I do not like being naked, I do not like strangers touching me, and I definitely don't want to look someone in the eye while they have their hands inside me ... unless it's my DH!

A few visits later we had an argument about changing the due date in my file. I told her from the beginning that I chart (and she seemed totally accepting of this at my first visit), I know the date of conception, and if you use your little wheel it's going to give you the wrong date. She said okay but then wrote the wheel's date on my chart anyway (8 days early). I said I didn't like that because if at some point she was insisting I was "overdue", I wouldn't be yet. I agreed to one ultrasound and she then changed the date in the chart again, this time to 14 days late. She said "This will give you more time!" Sure, if I was worried about that, but DD came right at 39 weeks (I also knew her date of conception) so I don't consider it an issue. What I do consider an issue is the possibility of you telling me the baby is premature when I know it's not and the problems that could come from that ....

Sigh. There are a lot of other little things too. Her office is always running late. The nurses try to make me go to the lab in the next building for bloodwork/tests/etc before they let me in to see her, and they make a big fuss when I say I want to discuss it BEFORE I decide whether to do it. She swore the hospital was very open-minded and I wouldn't have to argue for anything I wanted, but when we did the tour they made it pretty obvious that they are doing their "routine" stuff and you'd better have a good reason for refusing things. I get the impression that they will individualize things but they'll treat you like a pain in the behind while they're doing it. Better than the hospital where DD was born (where they did things without asking/telling, bullied, lied, etc), but not what she says it is. Either she's bending the truth or we have very different ideas about what a natural birth is.

I skipped my last appointment. They never called or anything. DH isn't pushing me to go back immediately but he wants me to make another appointment if the baby hasn't come in a week (this is when his vacation time starts, so he'll be able to take me, we only have one car).

I just feel really stuck. She is not the right person for me. Neither midwife within distance will handle a VBAC. The CNMs who do hospital births won't accept me as a transfer this late, and they work under an OB anyway. And it would be at the same hospital.

I don't know at this point what's going to happen. I could go to the hospital and just make excuses for missing my last appointment. I could not go. I could go as a last resort. I can't decide.

[redmach03]

To me that sounds like what all OB's do...well the more mainstream ones anyway. They tell you they are VBAC supportive but then when the time comes around they make "excuses" and find reasons for you not to get your VBAC. Hospitals are iffy...you never really know how you are going to get treated until you actually go. I think its important to be very knowledgeable on the hospital you choose and have a good feeling that the hospital is truly VBAC friendly and has a good track record of low interventions.

When I did a hospital transfer with my last birth I chose a hospital an hour away because they have a wonderful low intervention rate and take on VBACS no problem. I had a great experience there even though it eventually ended in c/s. I chose this hospital through the experience and info of my doula who is very experienced with VBAC. I think this is a good way to find out more info on hospitals because doulas go to lots of different ones...they see first hand what is going on. A doula that does a lot of VBAC can help you in your dilemma...(IMO). Would you be interested in talking to one? Even if you don't want to hire one, most will talk with you about your problem and try to help you if they can.

If you don't feel "right" about this provider then TRUST your instincts. I believe they are always right.

I say last resort....labor at home and then go to the hospital when you are really far into your labor...its not going to be fun going to the hospital that far along, but it would almost guarantee you a VBAC. That way you avoid all the BS...if DH isn't pushing you go at the moment then don't say anything and see how long you can go.

[MsBlack]

Hmmmm....seems like you'd better make up your mind soon! good luck with that. From all you say, there is no way I would work with that doc, but then I like homebirth and UC, and see no purpose for healthy women and babies in going to hospitals.

[onyxravnos]

you might be able to talk to the NM's and just tell them you know your coming in late but your really feel uncomfortable with your OB... i would hope they would understand.

without support )at LEAST from your DH) it can be so hard to UC, you could always stay home and see how it goes.... 'oops.... didn't realize i was so far into this and then the baby came' is always an option. Option number 2. screw what your OB says. You can say NO. No you can't check, NO you can't induce, NO I will not talk about induction because your dates are wrong. etc etc

it's a pain and you should have to try and fight this fight but unfortunately a lot of us have to if we want the birth we want.

[Astraia]

It doesn't sound like YOU are on the fence, it sounds like your DH is putting you there!

I'd say start gearing stuff up for a UC (research, gather your basic supplies, etc) and try to get your husband on board.

If he will not get on board, no matter what, then labour at home as long as you can and get to the hospital for the very end. But REALLY- this is what did it for my DH when he was undecided- if I'm staying home until almost the very end, why not stay home for the whole thing? Stuff can go wrong throughout any part of the labour. It's not JUST the part where the baby comes out that can cause problems. So if we're chilling at home through hours of labour, why leave at the very end? And, IMO, traveling late in labour (esp in winter!) with the possibility of having a baby on the road is more dangerous then having it at home, safe and warm and prepared. And there's no way I'd go to hospital early on unless I knew something was wrong. When he realized I'd stay home as long as possible and that pushing the baby out is (in a lot of cases) the EASY part, he decided we might as well do it ourselves.

If you stay pregnant for awhile, then make another appointment. In most cases they don't really care. Say, "sorry, something else came up, I didn't get a chance to reschedule" and other then annoyed faces they probably won't do too much.

Even if you do decide to stay home, 100% committed to UC, you can still see your dr. She might be less aggravating if you know you'll only use her if you need her!

[gabeyho]

I am in agreement with all of the PPs. I have not yet found an OB I like. I have had two hospital VBACs and one at home with a mw. The hospital I have been to both times was VBAC friendly, but that does not necessarily mean the nurses will be. I can tell you from personal experience that it really sucks, in the end stages of labor, to be having to assert yourself with pushy nurses and a-hole doctors while you are just trying to relax and have a baby! That said, this time I have decided to stay home and do it myself, BUT if you go to the hospital I recommend what I did both times and wait until you are really close to pushing before getting there...the less time you are there, the less they can bug you about it. You don't have to explain yourself.

FWIW, my hospital births were really great....for a hosiptal birth; but my home birth was WAY better!

[basje]

If you don't want to go back to the Obgyn then don't. It's your body and your baby and lord knows all this can't been good for your blood pressure. You're in your last bit of pregnancy so find someplace where you can check your blood pressure and pay attention to fetal movement. There are a lot of requirements for prenatal appointments in the USA but frankly it seems overkill to me, the baby comes when it comes regardless of what your cervix looks like at the massive amounts of appointments toward the end. But that's just my thoughts on it! Consider a homebirth and the hospital and remember that you have options. Good luck!

[EmmysMama]

You're right Astraia, if it was my decision alone (which yeah, it really is, but DH does have at least a little input if he's going to be there) I would have planned a UC with DD and I'd be planning another now. I just know that I'm going to need some kind of support, and he's the only person I have for that.

I actually have been taking my BP at home and it's a lot lower (so is my pulse!) than what they've been getting in the office. They weren't telling me it was high or anything, but it's lower at home.

I think having a doula would really help, but we can't afford it. And since we live a good distance from the city, if I found one, I might not be able to make the drive (DH's work schedule is wonky and we only have one car) to meet her ahead of time. My impression is that the hospital is VBAC-friendly, but only natural birth-tolerant. During the tour (and it was private so not rushed) the nurse pretty much assumed that I'd be hooked up to CEFM, have an IV, be sending the baby to the nursery for a bath, DH wouldn't help with the routine newborn stuff, etc. When I discussed things like that with the OB she was very sure "it can be really natural, no interventions, and of course they'll let you do x and y with the baby". Not the impression I got at the hospital itself! It seems more like "you can do x and y, and refuse z, but you're going to have to be very specific and check up on us every step of the way". That's just not the experience I want. I don't want to have to worry about what other people might do to me/the baby. BTDT.

At this point really, what's holding me back is that we do live a good distance from the hospital. There is only one other between here and there, but it's only 15 minutes closer, and it has a VBAC ban (and it's where DD was born, I'll never go back there even if I'm dying). If I'm going to go, I can't wait until the last minute, unless I want to have the baby in the car (and then what was the point of leaving? LOL). It takes an hour to get there.

[onlyboys]

In the OBs defense, she CAN dictate to a certain point what happens at the hospital. I've seen docs before give their permission (grrr, that irks me) for a mom to not have an IV, for the baby to stay in the room, etc.

That said, I am not saying that you should go in to the hospital. I was just letting you know that your OB may be right. I've seen OBs catch footling breeches and then release the mom within 6 hours after birth. Totally against hospital policy, but it was the OBs call.

Good luck with your choice. Believe in your body to do this work.

[EmmysMama]

Originally Posted by onlyboys

In the OBs defense, she CAN dictate to a certain point what happens at the hospital. I've seen docs before give their permission (grrr, that irks me) for a mom to not have an IV, for the baby to stay in the room, etc.

That said, I am not saying that you should go in to the hospital. I was just letting you know that your OB may be right. I've seen OBs catch footling breeches and then release the mom within 6 hours after birth. Totally against hospital policy, but it was the OBs call.

Good luck with your choice. Believe in your body to do this work.

I know she can give me "permission" to do things that are officially against the hospital's policies, it just kind of bugs me that she never brought that up. She's giving the impression that what I want is the norm at the hospital, and it obviously isn't, unless the nurse that gave us the tour just happens to be the one pro-intervention nurse and skews her tours that way.

Thanks. I do believe in my body. That's part of why I don't want to have to fight things ... I know I can do it, and I don't want to let anyone mess it up!

[Astraia]

Is your husband 100% dead-set against UC? If he is, then ignore this part.

One of the things you'd need to consider with a UC is for what sort of problems or events you'd be transferring.

There are some things- extreme unexplained bleeding, mind-blasting pain, a feeling that something is wrong with the baby, etc- where you might be alright with your VBAC-ban hospital that's close to you. Where a repeat c-section might be indicated as your best option, so going there wouldn't be a problem (except for the horrible associations you have with that place- I feel you there!) And if you're going for postpartum care, then no worries about their silly VBAC ban.

If it's other things- long, non-progressive feeling labour, wanting something for the pain, feeling that the baby is doing alright but shouldn't be born at home, etc- then you can make the longer trek to the further hospital. In this instance, it wouldn't be any different than your original plans, except that you might be further along in your labour then you would be otherwise.


Now if he is 100% opposed to UC, have you considered labouring in a hotel/motel room closer to the hospital of your choice? Make the move in early labour, stay as long as you need to, then head in to hospital at the last minute. I'm sure a few hours or so in a hotel room is cheaper than a doula. I understand being short on money, but if this is how you're feeling about delivering in a hospital, with your OB, then you'll need to find some way to make it bearable unless you're going to tell your DH to take a hike while you have a baby on your own... which I could see being an awkward discussion.

[onelilguysmommy]

Well with my third, it would have been an "oops!" UC. I was fine and just laboring until *right* (as in only a couple of contractions) before she was born
There is that....


I hope that it works well for you. The one thing that a pregnant lady doesn't need during labor is stress and it seems thats what they help with most! :

[gabeyho]

Originally Posted by onlyboys

In the OBs defense, she CAN dictate to a certain point what happens at the hospital. I've seen docs before give their permission (grrr, that irks me) for a mom to not have an IV, for the baby to stay in the room, etc.

This is true. When I had DD3 for my first hospital VBAC the nurses went to go find the doc and make sure it was ok with him that I wanted what I wanted...as if he could force me, but his ok made it easier. He even made this really nasty nurse leave the room. HOWEVER, and I don't know if your OB is part of a practice and if they take turns being on call, I have always been subject to whomever is on call at the time i go in, so the first time I got lucky with a wonderful doc whom I had never even met, and the second time with an a-hole surgeon at the end of his lame on-call shift who was not interested in me and also whom I had never met. If I went this time, I am at least at a practice where there are only two OB's and I have met them both, but one I really like and the other one I loathe. And so, I am choosing to stay home, but there are three different hospitals to pick from if I have to transfer, and they are within 5-15 minutes away.

Good Luck!

[PotreroHill]

Originally Posted by EmmysMama

She's nice enough and everything, comes highly recommended for natural birth and VBACs, but I just don't click with her. A lot of little things have been bugging me. First of all she insisted I look her in the eye while she was "feeling my pelvis to see about a VBAC", and afterward she went on about how she thought I could birth a "normal" size baby but DD was "huge". I was very uncomfortable with this. I do not like being naked, I do not like strangers touching me, and I definitely don't want to look someone in the eye while they have their hands inside me ... unless it's my DH!

Look her in the eye? Why on earth?

I would not go back to her. Listen to your gut.

[EmmysMama]

Originally Posted by PotreroHill

Look her in the eye? Why on earth?

I would not go back to her. Listen to your gut.

Because she was talking to me through the whole thing. Apparently it's rude to not look at someone when they're talking to you. I think it's rude to chitchat and take your sweet time through a pelvic exam when the patient is obviously uncomfortable, but whatever.

DH isn't opposed to UC on principle, we've had several discussions about it and he's okay with the idea in theory. His issue is having to plan for it and do it ... he would not freak out and call 911, or drag me out the door, or anything like that. But I also don't know for sure that he'd be a huge help. More likely he'd just entertain DD and come check on me occasionally. He doesn't get why I don't just go to the hospital and let them "take care of me". He seems to actually think the nurses are going to be helpful labor support. I haven't been successful explaining that's not their job, and even if it was, I wouldn't want a stranger in the bathroom with me or massaging my back. The actual birth itself he has no problem with. He's just not a "nurturing" type of person, which ended up being a huge issue during my labor with DD. He doesn't get that I'm not going to get that at the hospital either (unless he steps up this time, which I'm not counting on). So he would prefer going.

ETA: I think I made my DH sound really unsupportive! It's just that like most men, he can't read my mind, and I found it impossible to articulate what I needed him to do for me. I just couldn't form sentences. He was just trying random things, and we both ended up really frustrated. I'd love to have a doula for that reason too. It's a shame we can't afford one.

[Rejoicing]

I would like to encourage you to research homebirth/UC! It is a safe alternative to hospital birthing for most people, however, it is important you and your hubby are on the same page! What helped mine was TONS of research. We discussed the options we wanted and how hard that would be to accomplish, but he still was unsure about doing this himself. Then the more we reserched, the more confident he felt! We read so many books and articles, and watched tons of videos. I think it helped him to know that UC is becoming a more commonplace option.

I had a HORRIBLE midwife that came highly recommended. We just didn't mesh for lots of reasons, but let me tell you...after she literally screamed at me during a control-freak meltdown while she knew I was so extremely sick, we decided to leave her and do this on our own. my health improved so much! And I just "felt" better about everything.

At this point you might want to start gathering supplies if you are going to UC! LOL!!!--I think lots of places can overnight ship...or else plan on going in with minimum supplies, which is easy. Instead of chux, you could use towels and a drop cloth...instead of cord clamps you could use ties, etc...
I hope you feel comfortable no matter what choice you guys end up making! HUGS!

[Astraia]

If your DH isn't a good labour support person AND you're uncomfortable in hospital (and can't afford a doula) then I'd say you'd be better off at home. You know where everything is, it's your comfort zone, you don't have to deal with people coming in and nurse shift changes, blah blah blah.

How do you feel about labouring largely unattended? I keep telling DH that his primary roll is with our daughter - set me up with a drink, maybe my laptop and a telephone so I can call him to come home if I need to- and he can take DD to the mall or playgroup or whatever. I don't think I need him. I appreciated having him there last time, but it was nice not necessary. I'm just going to ignore him and go into la-la land, I can't really communicate in labour either unless it's REALLY important, so unless he learns to interpret grunts in short order he'd be not that useful anyway.

I think my lack of communication ability makes me more willing to labour mostly solo. I can't articulate what I need, so if he's there I'll get frustrated by him not doing what I want and if he's not there then it'll work out one way or the other. As long as he can come in ASAP if I need him, then I see no problems!

(DH does NOT understand that he doesn't need to be rushing around doing things. He keeps thinking he's going to need 12 hands- how can he hold my hand, get me a drink, and give me a towel all at once?!? Well- you don't need to hold my hand, and you can get a drink and THEN get a towel, but these things aren't imperative. I'm hoping once it's done he'll be like, "you're right, that was easy" :P)

[anj_rn]

Originally Posted by EmmysMama

afterward she went on about how she thought I could birth a "normal" size baby but DD was "huge". I was very uncomfortable with this.

I had an ultrasound w/DD at 38 weeks. I wanted to VBAC, and she still had not dropped, and my OB was worried she was too big. The ultrasound tech was able to take some measurements and give us an estimated weight. This made me feel better since I knew how big she actually was and did not feel like the OB was just using that to bully me into another c-section.

[EmmysMama]

I don't know how I'm going to feel about laboring by myself (effectively, I will be, no matter where I am). Last time it was awful. I expected DH to help me. I expected the midwife to show up. I didn't expect 3 days of back labor and not being able to sleep at all. So finally I got so fed up and tired the options I gave DH were "step up and freaking help me, go find the midwife and beat her over the head, or drive me to the hospital so I can get an epidural".

There are so many unknowns. I don't know if I'll be dealing with back labor again. The baby keeps flipping around. Sometimes anterior, sometimes posterior. I don't know how long labor will be. I'm sure DD being posterior slowed it way down. And since this time I'm not expecting to be massaged and hugged and waited on, I don't know if I'll just get over that or if I'll still want to say "forget it, if you're not helping me I need an epi".

I've moved from thinking "we could stay home" to "what if we stay home". Like, "I can make DH get those old sheets out of the closet, and nobody uses the guest bathroom so I could take down that shower curtain for the floor, and what's wrong with boiling scissors and taking the laces out of those boots DH doesn't wear?"

[Astraia]

Originally Posted by EmmysMama

I don't know how I'm going to feel about laboring by myself (effectively, I will be, no matter where I am). Last time it was awful. I expected DH to help me. I expected the midwife to show up. I didn't expect 3 days of back labor and not being able to sleep at all. So finally I got so fed up and tired the options I gave DH were "step up and freaking help me, go find the midwife and beat her over the head, or drive me to the hospital so I can get an epidural"

That's the kind of thing you can only leave for last minute anyway. You can never tell if labour will be long and brutal and really impossibly hard to cope with, or if you find you need the option for pain meds and a rest, etc. Every labour and baby is so individual- and hopefully this time around it's easy in comparison!

So if you do end up transferring, it doesn't mean you screwed up or made a bad choice with a decision to UC- it means you're rolling with the punches and keeping your options open. That's a good thing!