Please help, dh and I at odds

[Penny4Them]

Our 6 mo co-sleeps with Dh and I and my hubby is furious about it. We had 2 older children who sometimes co-slept when they were babes, but DH doesn't remember. DH "wants his bed back." Our baby is still EBF and nursing at varying intervals thro/out the nite. It's so much easier to have baby w/ us, and much more blissful to be together w/ DH and DS, but DH doesn't and refuses to see it that way. I told him it won't last forever and every night DS starts in his crib but after 1st waking/feeding, he doesn't want to go back in his crib (he cries when I lay him down) so I bring him to bed where baby eats on demand, and I can sleep! Hubby says it's my fault he wont sleep in his crib b/c I've taught him to expect to come bed with us. He said it's a learned behavior. He threw all arguments at me ... "he needs rice, he needs to learn to take bottle ... he'll be 2 and you'd still be happy to have him w/ us in bed". I will never let my baby CIO, but at the same time this is putting a rift in my marriage. We hardly ever DTD b/c DS is always there, which certainly frustrates me, but I just don't know how to keep everyone happy. Can anyone relate or offer suggestions? I just don't know what to do. I wish DH could be happy about this and just accept this is what's working right now and that it won't last and enjoy his neediness as much as DS and I do. My heart is breaking.

[homewithtwinsmama]

I usually tell mamas that they can agree with the principle their husband is talking about and tell them that they are welcome to teach the baby to sleep in the bed. They want baby out of bed. Fine, but here are the ground rules.

He gets up to bring the baby to you when the baby needs to eat.

The baby can't be left to cry it out to sleep.

He must stay till they are asleep.

I know of few men who are going to do this. They want you to do all the work to make their life the way they want it. Unless he wants to put the work in, he can suck it up. Babies before men acting like babies.

[AnnieNimIty]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

I usually tell mamas that they can agree with the principle their husband is talking about and tell them that they are welcome to teach the baby to sleep in the bed. They want baby out of bed. Fine, but here are the ground rules.

He gets up to bring the baby to you when the baby needs to eat.

The baby can't be left to cry it out to sleep.

He must stay till they are asleep.

I know of few men who are going to do this. They want you to do all the work to make their life the way they want it. Unless he wants to put the work in, he can suck it up. Babies before men acting like babies.

I like the philosophy of having DH put in the work for it to work the way he wants it.
Also, I know my husband gets generally cranky when we haven't had alone time. DTD or a date. lol, mostly DTD. It really is a physiological need for men. And if it isn't an issue of you not being interested, maybe make that your date. Have the other kids over to someone elses house and as soon as little bambino is asleep, have one on one time with your sweetheart.

One thing we did with our daughter, (out of necessity actually, we only had a one room apartment), is put her crib in our room. That way it is closer for him to go get DC, and easier for you being close to your baby.

Just a couple ideas. I know it is hard when you aren't agreeing with DH.
I hope you all can be happy with how you end up working it out.

[moonmom08]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

I usually tell mamas that they can agree with the principle their husband is talking about and tell them that they are welcome to teach the baby to sleep in the bed. They want baby out of bed. Fine, but here are the ground rules.

He gets up to bring the baby to you when the baby needs to eat.

The baby can't be left to cry it out to sleep.

He must stay till they are asleep.

I know of few men who are going to do this. They want you to do all the work to make their life the way they want it. Unless he wants to put the work in, he can suck it up. Babies before men acting like babies.

. My DH was grumbly even about having DD in our bed for the first year (and I always brought her into our bed after first awakening). Then, I became the sole working parent and he a SAHD, so he took over nighttime parenting. I was perfectly willing for him to keep returning her to her crib all night. I don't think he did it once. 6 months later and DD still comes to our bed every night, and DH brings her! Only now, no grumbling from DH

I know how it is, though. That first year of redefining everyone's roles and priorities in the family was hard. Be honest with him about why you are making the choices you're making. FWIW, DD would go through phases of wanting to stay in bed with us, and then not minding returning to her crib. Seems like DDs needs often just change with no forewarning or explanation. It's really hard to predict what a LO will be doing 2 years down the line from what they're doing now.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Commiseration. My husband was also a big PITA about co sleeping, when that was what worked for DS2 (And still does). It was a rough first year after DS2 came along, and still can be. EVERYTHING was my fault, from him wanting to only sleep with us to wanting ONLY ME. (That one made me laugh, you want him to be ok with YOU in the middle of the night? THEN GET UP!) He has gotten better about it now that DS2 is over a year. Its pretty sad, but as long as he is, eherm, takin care of, his mood is 10X better.

He also has a friend who is going through a pretty nasty divorce right now, so I think his marriage preseravation mechanism finally turned on, and is much more willing to work with me on specific issues. This is one of them.

Good luck, I agree with the suggestion that if he wants the baby to sleep in the crib, then its his job to make it happen. Just be prepared for him to say its your job because he thinks you "created this monster". So if he thinks the baby needs to learn to take a bottle, try pumping a little to have a bottle for in the middle of the night. Then your husband will have everything he needs to give it a try.

[Luke's mama]

we are conditioned to think that sex happens at night in bed, etc. etc, but you just have to be more creative. No reason the bed at night has to be the only time/place for it to happen! This is one of the biggest arguments against co-sleeping and what seems to me like the easiest one to remedy!

[waiting2bemommy]

6 months is awful young, but I know at about 14 months when my bf and I moved in together and ds' nightwaking was getting worse instead of better we took turns getting up with ds and helping him fall back asleep. I had already done the jay gordon thing from 7-11 PM at about a year old, so that helped some, but ds would still wake up CONSTANTLY. I felt he was old enough to understand that crying in mommy's arms, conforted the entire time, was different from being ignored, and after a couple weeks he was staying in his bed from time he went down til the sun came up about 5ish when he would climb into the big bed. That was agreeable to all of us...we had our alone time, I got a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep, and ds still got his snuggles in during the early morning hours. But I would never have bothered to do all that if he hadn't done half the work.

It mattered to him, not me, so I figured it was on him to help me solve it. Tell your dh if he can just hold out til the baby is old enough to nightwean around a yr or so, then you can start setting some limits on cosleeping. I really believe babies NEED their mamas 24/7 that first year.

[Violet2]

6 months is too young to expect baby to go 'someplace else'.

Have you thought about side carring the crib? Or getting a king mattress? That would give all of you space. If the main objection is space/sleep comfort there are things that can be done to improve the situation.

Other than that, if it were me (and you're not me but all I have is my experience) what I would do is negotiate for a few more months. DH was anxious to have DD in her own room and I kept pushing back b/c of the nursing (little did I know she would wean by 8 months when she got 6 teeth in a row--we never recovered from that blip, my low supply fizzled.).

DD roomed in, in the cosleeper then in her own crib then we night weaned and she moved to her own room at 11 months (and slept MUCH better ironically).

So I would suggest to DH that you will re-evaluate the sleeping arrangements when baby is X months.

V

[sunfish21]

We had our bed in our room, and then a second bed in dd room (before I started exclusively bedsharing with her!). We would start in our respective beds, and then at her first wake up I went to her and I slept with her the rest of the night in that bed. Alone time with DH, bedsharing most of the night with dd.....it was a win-win for us.

[Penny4Them]

Thanks so much for all the advice. I think not DTD is weighing subconsciously on dh, so I'll have to figure out how/when. So far, talking calmly when we are not trying to sleep has been more effective. We are all so exhauated ... I think this is most of our problem

[JudiAU]

"I know of few men who are going to do this. They want you to do all the work to make their life the way they want it. Unless he wants to put the work in, he can suck it up. Babies before men acting like babies."

DH actually did this a lot, at various ages, because he didn't like co-sleeping.

With our second child, he decided that co-sleeping with a second bed for him, when he wanted it, was a better choice for everyone. We really don't have the space for it but it is still the better choice.

[ssh]

Not enough sleep and not enough couple time makes my DH a real grouch, me too sometimes. We still co-slept though, we just had couple time elsewhere. DD, just turned 4, did recently decide that her own bed and room were awesome and has been sleeping there for several weeks. It takes her longer to fall asleep in her room, but she sleeps a solid 10 to 11 hours once she's out with no nightmares or sleep issues.