Holiday greediness! How to deal?

[Hey Mama!]

My oldest daughter has been so incredibly greedy lately and it is driving me crazy! Yesterday I was Christmas shopping for other family members and we when she saw the present I got for a 10 y.o. cousin of dh's she immediately started whining about how it wasn't fair that I was giving it to someone else and not her. It was right before bed so I just sent her to bed. Dh decided that we would have them pick something they would like to receive and then donate it to our local toys for tykes program. Today I picked up some coloring books from the dollar tree and gave them to the girls today after school. I regularly give them coloring books as they love to color and go through them quickly. Anyway, she immediately started griping because she got two activity books, one with coloring pages and one that has all sorts of puzzles in it I lost my head and told her that she will donate these to the box as well, and I'm taking one of her Christmas presents to donate as well.
I also made her go to her room for 30 minutes because we both needed to calm down.

It really makes me sad to know that she is such a self centered spoiled child. We are lower middle class so I don't buy toys all the time, mostly at birthdays and Christmas unless it's from a garage sale or deeply clearanced price. I make my kids take care of their stuff and I don't replace things that have been destroyed. They know that we can't buy them everything they ask for, for example they have asked for nintendo ds' and I told them no and how much they cost and they agreed that it was too expensive to get right now.

So, I guess my question is how can I tame this greed monster that has taken over my daughter? My other two have not exhibited this behavior yet and I'd like it if it never did.

Ok, I have my big girl panties on so bring it on, I am ready!

[sanguine_speed]

My eight-year-old acts similarly at times, and I am similarly exasperated!
Buying gifts for others always turns into a sour experience because she wants everything for herself. For instance, if I give her fifteen dollars to choose a birthday gift for a friend of hers, she'll spend as long as I'll let her saying "oh, I wish I had this!" with a sour demeanor the whole time all over the store. Even choosing something for herself--if she doesn't have enough money for what she wants it goes this way. This kid gets $6 a week in allowance, for Pete's sake! Plus every few months she is allowed to spend her additional savings of $30 in one go. But it's never enough.

I find a lot of this happens in comparison with her younger sister too. No matter what her sister gets for Christmas, my oldest dd will want the same thing. Or, they both had two of the same things on their lists, and I know that when I give one of them one of the items and the other one gets the other item (that they both wished for), my eight-year-old will pout because she didn't get the other one. It drives me crazy. Unfortunately, what I've found is that dd has become reluctant to express disappointment at all due to my reactions in the past about her lack of gratitude and appreciation. I don't think such lectures are particularly helpful but by gosh, it really does make me crazy.
I wonder if this is a developmentally normal experience that can be grown out of without a major intervention?

[LuxPerpetua]

My dd is not as old as yours (nearly 4) but she is the least selfish child I have ever met. I think a big chunk of this is her personality. For example, she never went through the "mine" phase as a wee tot. So, to be honest, I don't know how much of this is her personality vs. her environment.

I don't know what your lifestyle is like, but what we do that helps tremendously is:

1. No TV, but especially TV with ads

2. No toy stores. We buy through etsy or ebay or craigslist.

3. Charitable giving is a big part of our everyday lives because of our Christian faith. We read books about giving, we talk about giving, we help dd assist us in our giving (we prefer to give through the charity World Vision for many reasons, but especially because they send out Christmas catalogues with things like chickens, goats, etc., that your child can pick out to donate). We also donate to food drives, donate old clothing/toys, etc.

4. We buy very few gifts. We make most everything, which involves dd and helps her to see how much effort things take.

5. She gets lots of one-on-one, quality time with us so that her "love cup" is filled.

I can't even begin to address your particular situation, but I will say that doing these things has made dd VERY different from the other kids her age. I assume you have asked your dd about her behavior. Did she have any thoughts as to why she was acting so uncivilly? I was always a very jealous child, which was partly personality and partly that my parents did not give me the right kind of attention. I'm not saying this is the case with your dd, but it may be helpful to re-evaluate how much time you are spending just with her and the quality of that time.

Best wishes!

[EFmom]

I've got a 12 year old and an 9 year old. They've gone through relatively minor periods of greediness from time to time and I think it's a normal developmental thing.

I agree with a pp in that limiting their access to advertising (TV) helps some, particularly when they are little. But they are going to visit other kids houses and see what other kids have at school, and it's likely they will be jealous.

My younger one is much more brand-obsessed. We were at a concert for my older dd, and the younger one was looking at a friend of older dd, who happened to be wearing a North Face jacket, a North Face hat, real Uggs, and was texting on an iPhone. All of these are things she covets. While dd9 was still pleasant, I could tell she was so jealous inside.

Older dd is less brand obsessed, but we are in a wealthy district, where lots of kids are highly indulged. When most of the kids in your class do have real Uggs, it does sting a little to have a less costly alternative. That's human nature and I think it hits hard when kids are at such a self-conscious age.

We do lots of talking about needs and wants, and how we are lucky to have all our needs and many of our wants. That helps some.

Good luck!

Oh, and I wouldn't make charitable giving a punishment--that's self-defeating.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Hey Mama!

Yesterday I was Christmas shopping for other family members and we when she saw the present I got for a 10 y.o. cousin of dh's she immediately started whining about how it wasn't fair that I was giving it to someone else and not her. It was right before bed so I just sent her to bed. Dh decided that we would have them pick something they would like to receive and then donate it to our local toys for tykes program. Today I picked up some coloring books from the dollar tree and gave them to the girls today after school. I regularly give them coloring books as they love to color and go through them quickly. Anyway, she immediately started griping because she got two activity books, one with coloring pages and one that has all sorts of puzzles in it I lost my head and told her that she will donate these to the box as well, and I'm taking one of her Christmas presents to donate as well.
I also made her go to her room for 30 minutes because we both needed to calm down.

I think a lot of it is normal kid stuff, but it sounds like it is a big trigger for you. I don't think my 8 yo is "stuff" oriented at all, and certainly not greedy, but she might have had the kind of reaction you describe now and then. I'd probably respond with "put it on your list, and maybe Santa will bring one for you!" (she knows there is no Santa....and I know she has no list....so it is really just a response that ends the whining in the moment).

I'm not sure I understand your second example. SHe was upset because she wanted a different kind of coloring book? Or because these were to be donated? If she didn't like the kind she got, my response is "You get what you get, and you don't get upset " They get over it.

Essentially, I'd underreact and expect her to grow out of it.

[Hey Mama!]

Yes, EFmom, I agree with you. I should not make giving a punishment.

She is getting ready to go caroling for canned goods with her Girl Scout troop so I'm hoping this activity will reinforce what I have been talking to her about. We do not live in affluent town or school district, our income is average for this town so I don't think it's being influenced from her peers at school. Brand envy doesn't seem to start for a couple more years yet. I dress the girls nicely and they have stuff, just not everything kwim?

They do watch tv and I hear the "I wants" when commercials are on but are learning that advertising is tricky and makes you want to buy stuff. An recent example is the zhu-zhu pets. Ainsley wanted one so bad so when she got some birthday money we went to the store to pick something out. She found some of the pets and was pretty disappointed in them. I used that as an opportunity to talk about lies in advertising and she decided not to buy the toys.

I talked to her about being greedy and she didn't even know what that meant. When I explained it to her she agreed she was feeling like that. So, we are making small progress.

[Hey Mama!]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I think a lot of it is normal kid stuff, but it sounds like it is a big trigger for you. I don't think my 8 yo is "stuff" oriented at all, and certainly not greedy, but she might have had the kind of reaction you describe now and then. I'd probably respond with "put it on your list, and maybe Santa will bring one for you!" (she knows there is no Santa....and I know she has no list....so it is really just a response that ends the whining in the moment).

I'm not sure I understand your second example. SHe was upset because she wanted a different kind of coloring book? Or because these were to be donated? If she didn't like the kind she got, my response is "You get what you get, and you don't get upset " They get over it.

Essentially, I'd underreact and expect her to grow out of it.

She was upset at the second one I bought her, because it wasn't the same as her sisters. They are familiar with "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." But, I recognize and admit that I over reacted to her outburst. It is a sore spot for dh and I because we were both raised in very poor families. We were both clothed and fed and loved but didn't have 'stuff'. We earn more then our parents ever did and so our kids have more but I guess we expect more gratitude for it because of our personal experiences. I've been the kid that received donated toys for Christmas so that colors my judgement. And I know this sounds petty but it hurt my feelings that she rejected what I had picked out for her. I dug through tons of coloring books to find the perfect two for each girl, and when I gave it to her she threw them on the floor. I realize that I need to work on both of these issues and not put them unfairly onto my daughter.

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua

My dd is not as old as yours (nearly 4) but she is the least selfish child I have ever met. I think a big chunk of this is her personality. For example, she never went through the "mine" phase as a wee tot. So, to be honest, I don't know how much of this is her personality vs. her environment.

I don't know what your lifestyle is like, but what we do that helps tremendously is:

1. No TV, but especially TV with ads

2. No toy stores. We buy through etsy or ebay or craigslist.

3. Charitable giving is a big part of our everyday lives because of our Christian faith. We read books about giving, we talk about giving, we help dd assist us in our giving (we prefer to give through the charity World Vision for many reasons, but especially because they send out Christmas catalogues with things like chickens, goats, etc., that your child can pick out to donate). We also donate to food drives, donate old clothing/toys, etc.

4. We buy very few gifts. We make most everything, which involves dd and helps her to see how much effort things take.

5. She gets lots of one-on-one, quality time with us so that her "love cup" is filled.

I can't even begin to address your particular situation, but I will say that doing these things has made dd VERY different from the other kids her age. I assume you have asked your dd about her behavior. Did she have any thoughts as to why she was acting so uncivilly? I was always a very jealous child, which was partly personality and partly that my parents did not give me the right kind of attention. I'm not saying this is the case with your dd, but it may be helpful to re-evaluate how much time you are spending just with her and the quality of that time.

Best wishes!

I think you'll find that three-year-olds are very different than eight-year-olds, and yes, I do think it really depends on the child. In general, my oldest is much more sensitive than her siblilngs. But by age 8, the influence of peers is bigger. We walk a line between exposing our daughter to commercial things like television and protecting her from commercial exploitation (and what a line that is!!!!), but if we were to prohibit all things popular culture, she'd feel very left out among her peers. There also becomes the 'forbidden fruit' scenario, where prohibition from things she really wants and is interested in as a result of her peer group would cause a more intense interest and desire and eventually resentment and rebellion


It's much, much easier to guard a pre-schooler than an older child.

[Hey Mama!]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

I think you'll find that three-year-olds are very different than eight-year-olds, and yes, I do think it really depends on the child. In general, my oldest is much more sensitive than her siblilngs. But by age 8, the influence of peers is bigger. We walk a line between exposing our daughter to commercial things like television and protecting her from commercial exploitation (and what a line that is!!!!), but if we were to prohibit all things popular culture, she'd feel very left out among her peers. There also becomes the 'forbidden fruit' scenario, where prohibition from things she really wants and is interested in as a result of her peer group would cause a more intense interest and desire and eventually resentment and rebellion


It's much, much easier to guard a pre-schooler than an older child.

Yes, thank you sanguine_seed.

[GuildJenn]

I think it's at least partly the age. All the kids in my extended family have gone through a greedy/money-grubbing stage somewhere between 8 and 10 and then it's faded (although personality plays in too), despite having different parents and parenting styles. I actually think in a way it's a sign of a maturing relationship to things and to the world around them, while still having very little actual power.

I think talking to her about greed is helpful, and maybe labelling her behaviour, but not labelling her.

Strategies that (externally) seem to have helped have been:

- allowances ("I want this!" "Do you have enough in your wallet?")
- choice where appropriate
- detachment, as someone else said
- increased opportunity to also experience generosity, either via family giving or even, at times, by being the recipient - just not every time, or when whining

I think it'll be okay.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I think it's at least partly the age. All the kids in my extended family have gone through a greedy/money-grubbing stage somewhere between 8 and 10 and then it's faded (although personality plays in too), despite having different parents and parenting styles. I actually think in a way it's a sign of a maturing relationship to things and to the world around them, while still having very little actual power.

I think talking to her about greed is helpful, and maybe labelling her behaviour, but not labelling her.

Strategies that (externally) seem to have helped have been:

- allowances ("I want this!" "Do you have enough in your wallet?")
- choice where appropriate
- detachment, as someone else said
- increased opportunity to also experience generosity, either via family giving or even, at times, by being the recipient - just not every time, or when whining

I think it'll be okay.

I really think this is GREAT advice.

Good luck mama