Talk to me about what it's like to have your second child!

[hollytheteacher]

So, I should first start out by saying I'm NOT pregnant yet. DH and I are starting to talk about TTC number 2 though (we need to save up some more emergency fund money first though). Anyway, all these random thoughts keep popping in my head and the biggest thing I can't wrap my head around is what it will be like for DS. I just picture him being heartbroken about the whole thing. Even though he does say he wants a brother or sister someday when we ask him (a lot of his friends have baby brothers and sisters right now).

He is 2 years 3 months and seems to need so so so so much of me and my attention. Granted, if i got pregnant TODAY he'd be a hair over 3 when the baby is born so maybe it would be different?? I just don't know and can't imagine it.

Also, the article in this latest issue of Mothering about having a second child actually made me a little more terrified of the idea. It sounds REALLLLY hard. Please share your experiences! Especially if your first child was really reeeaalllly attached to mama!

[maryeb]

My first was the age yours is now, when I got pregnant with ds2. Having the second was really easy in the beginning! He was an easier baby than ds1, he slept a lot and I just wore him in the sling all day and it was lovely. I slept well for a while there too. It was harder to get out in the car, so my husband took ds1 everywhere for quite a while, and started doing all the grocery shopping, which relieved me greatly. We also got some help with food prep for the first few months and other friends did drop by with food also otherwise I don't know what we would have done. You just can't always do much with a baby, and the whole routine gets thrown off.

My first was not heartbroken though. He was at the birth and seemed fine with everything. It wasn't until a few months later that he started telling us how annoyed he was at having a baby brother, but now they play a bit together and he is mostly loving toward ds2. Mostly. There are times that I want to tear my hair out at the constant noise whether it be whining, screaming, loud talking, etc. And I read to ds1 sooo much less it's sad when I think about it. But ds2 has no interest and makes so much fuss about it that reading ends up being impossible. Thankfully it's a stage. I have to get out every single day, twice-for sanity. And the cleaning up after both and having them both clamor for me is exhausting. When we get out though, that lessens.

I love my second boy greatly, that is a joy. Seeing the two of them looking at me is adorable too.

Mary

[limabean]

I'm assuming you want the truth, so here goes.

It's hard. Having the 1st baby turned my world upside down in some ways, but having the 2nd baby turned it upside down and it kept right on spinning. I was a phenomenal mother to one child, and it's been a real lesson in humility being the mother of two. I realize now that yes, my first baby was just freaking EASY. Not that my 2nd is necessarily hard, it's just that she doesn't get all her desires met immediately the way my son did because there was no competition. He never had to wait to use a toy, or go somewhere when he wasn't ready just because it was time to pick up the older kid from school, or any of that stuff. My world could just revolve around him, and we could be this beautifully in-tune duet. Now, with a third person in the mix (during the days, while DH is at work), it's just not that way. We have to leave the park early because the baby is getting tired/cranky, we can't play with certain toys/games while she's up because the pieces are too small or she'll wreck it, but then he's at school during her whole nap time, so we end up only being able to play with that stuff on weekends, and there isn't always time. I feel guilty a lot of the time -- guilty for DS, who doesn't get my undivided attention and continuous enrichment the way he used to, and guilty for DD, who won't ever experience that feeling of being the only one and getting to explore things at her own pace without a big brother hurrying her along, trying to get her to play with things "right," etc.

So yeah, it's tough, at least for me, and those things are what make it hard. But I wouldn't change anything even if I could. There are definitely a million heart-melting moments interspersed among those frustrating times I listed above. And going through DD's pregnancy/birth with DS getting to experience it was pretty incredible -- we spent a lot of time reminiscing about his birth and babyhood, and had some amazingly special times. So overall it's a positive thing, but it was definitely harder than I had imagined that it would be going from 1 to 2.

[RunAround]

My boys are less than 2 years apart. My oldest was very, very attached. (Still is! Spent 20 mins hung on my back like a baby monkey while I cooked dinner yesterday and, yes, he's nearly 5. Reminded me of my Ergo years!)

Short version? I'm SO GLAD we had our second child. It has been so, oh, so hard. It wasn't the babyhood - moms have experience to draw on the second time. It's splitting the attention as well as mediating/coaching a developing sibling relationship that wears me out now. But, my second child not only brings a great deal of laughter and joy into our family, but having kids living together to learn together has been very valuable for my intense firstborn. It's much, much harder than caring for 1, but it's been worth it for us. They're asleep now, so having 2 seems really great right now.

There's only one way to know how it works out for your family and that's to have another!!

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by RunAround

My boys are less than 2 years apart. My oldest was very, very attached. (Still is! Spent 20 mins hung on my back like a baby monkey while I cooked dinner yesterday and, yes, he's nearly 5. Reminded me of my Ergo years!)

Short version? I'm SO GLAD we had our second child. It has been so, oh, so hard. It wasn't the babyhood - moms have experience to draw on the second time. It's splitting the attention as well as mediating/coaching a developing sibling relationship that wears me out now. But, my second child not only brings a great deal of laughter and joy into our family, but having kids living together to learn together has been very valuable for my intense firstborn. It's much, much harder than caring for 1, but it's been worth it for us. They're asleep now, so having 2 seems really great right now.

There's only one way to know how it works out for your family and that's to have another!!

tee hee...I'm really excited/giddy about the whole idea. But then I look at ds and feel all worried again..*sigh* He is also VERY attached to his nuhnuhs and I don't know how i'd feel about tandem. It's a great thing in theory but I think I would go insane....anyone have experience with a boob obsessed first child and how that played in to ttcing number 2?

keep the stories comin'! I love 'em!

[maryeb]

Oh man, I just have to agree with everything the pp's said...put my thoughts into words well. All of that has been my experience as well. I ended up weaning ds1 during my pregnancy, I had those horrible feelings while nursing that you read about where your skin is crawling and you want to detach from your kid immediately. He nursed for probably half my pregnancy, and we were both very very sad about the weaning. It wasn't easy at all, and while I am grateful I had a break, it took a few months to feel that way.

[Mountaingirl79]

Well, my kids are 7 and 9 now ( 28 months apart) so I feel like I'm finally in the "easy stage" at their ages. they are so easy now.... But really, having the second for me, was waaaay easier than going from 0-1 kids. I knew what to expect and plan for the second time PP and it went pretty smoothly.

My boys are truly best friends and of course, my youngest adores his older brother and I can't imagine it any other way. Sorry to gush. lol

[wookie]

Yes to all pp's said.

I'll list my own day-to-day +s/-s. (My sons are 3.3 yrs apart).

-s:
*getting out of the house is suddenly WAY harder. with 1 i got ready first, got his shoes etc on and we were out the door. i only got ready when he was ready. now, after scheduling around meals, naps, chores etc. it takes us atleast 20 mins from "let's go now" to out the door. by the time i get older ready ds2 has had a poop explosion. get that cleaned up, turn to look ds1 has started a new pretend game that needs to be completed before leaving. on and on. *sigh*
* ds1 gets to watch a lot more TV (great for him, guilty for me) when i'm nursing the babe to sleep, or is bored but we can't go anywhere cuz babe is napping etc.
* i'm always tired. there's NO down time. well, only after 9pm but by then down time=bed for me as well.
* "share", "careful", "don't topple him", "leave him alone" have become my automatic responses to any crying noise in my house.

+s:
* almost every day atleast once my heart breaks with all the love it can't contain.
* ds1 is a built-in babysitter/baby entertainer for those 5 mins it takes me to put away the laundry or do my hair or unload the dishwasher etc.
* ds1 has an personal, 24/7 adoring fan who doesn't care what anyone else thinks of his big brother. for all the bullying at his hands, ds2 has eyes only for ds1 when both are awake.

sorry for the novel

[Norasmomma]

Hmmmmm-I guess I'm an odd-ball, I find having two kids in many ways easier than one. My DD is 3, she was 3 yrs and 3 weeks when DS was born 2.5 months ago, I feel I'm actually a better mother to 2 kids than one. Now at 2.5 when I got pg was rough. Maybe that's why it's easier to have the baby, for myself being pg and having an older toddler was pure hell, I couldn't really do anything with her, like playing. I was too tired and sick in the beginning, I had a tear in my placenta at 4 months from possibly straining picking her up. She is HIGH ENERGY, non-stop go-go girl, she's the kid that many parents say "Oh if she'd been my first I wouldn't have had more kids". Thing is since she is so gung-ho she makes a fabulous sibling, she adores her brother.

For me babies are easy, DS is an amazingly easy baby, he nurses once at night-maybe 2x's, needs a change and goes back to sleep. He's mellow. Plus I Know so much more as a mom, I'm much more confident in all I do. The only aspect that really is challenging at times is grocery shopping or trying to figure who needs what more, the baby or the 3 y/o. Sometimes he has to cry while I get her food or something, but it's never long. For the most part 2 children are such a joy.

[mata]

my youngest daughter was born when my oldest daughter was 3.5. let's see-according to my oldest her arrival "ruined her life forever." The oldest was VERY much on her way to only-childness, and was VERY attached to me. Basically, she was a pill to her sister until the youngest turned 6. I have had to be very firm with her (oldest) and basically teach her how she should treat her sister. But something happened recently and she changed completely, thank heavens. It was hard on me to see how they didn't get along-I worried that they would never get along. Having a younger sister has been so good for my oldest-I think if she were an only child she would not have a well-balanced personality.

[_betsy_]

Haven't read previous posts, but my girls are 27 months apart, and are now 3 years and 11 months.

Life's a lot different than it was before, but in many ways it's the same.

One thing I read here and it rings true to me and my IRL friends I've spoken with about this is the idea that #2 somehow just seems to "fit." Like, when #2 comes along, it'll just seem like this is how life has always been, and you can't imagine things any differently.

For us, DD2's first year has FLOWN by in a blur. I remember so many more little moments with DD1 from her infancy. I took so many more photos (which is saying a lot, I have a ton of photos of DD2!). I slept so much more (which is crazy, cause DD2 is a better sleeper than DD1 ever was).

Getting out of the house on time is harder.
Getting the kids to bed is much harder.
DD1 gave up naps shortly after DD2 was born, which has been a hard transition - for me!
DD1 is high needs and hard to transition. She's active and alert and spirited and smart as a whip. She picked up this "big sister" role with ease and grace. It's truly been her easiest transition in life. She adores the baby and is actually helpful now (as opposed to, say, 6 months ago when DD1's help was better characterized as "help.")
DD2 loves to eat, but not all food is suitable for her (suspected gluten/white rice/dairy issues), so DD1's style is a little cramped when it comes to snacking all day long.

Overall, we'd have to say there's little we'd change. Oh, sure, I'd love kids who were better sleepers, but we just don't seem to make 'em that way.

How do I like having 2? Let me illustrate with a little story from this morning.

I'm in bed. I hear noises coming over the baby monitor. The kids share a room, when the baby is willing to sleep in the crib. Shaking the sleepiness off, I look at the clock. 9 a.m. I listen to the sounds, which aren't urgent. It's not the baby crying; it's the baby giggling. At her big sister. Who is also giggling. And so am I.

[RunAround]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

Hmmmmm-I guess I'm an odd-ball, I find having two kids in many ways easier than one.

Things can definitely change once younger sib gets mobile and goes after older sibs toys. Just sayin'... My oldest struggles a lot with the whole "community resources" concept. They, ahem, disagree vehemently and with brute force several times a day and my younger son has the language and strength to really go mano a mano with big "brudder". (Seriously, hardest part of parenting 2 is knowing when and how to intervene in THEIR relationship. The second hardest thing is wondering if everyone is getting what they need.)

Good sleepers are nice. How well your kids sleep makes all the difference in the world. OP, if your son is a good sleeper, that can help if #2 is not.

On tandem nursing? In practice, it actually worked out okay. Nursing while pregnant was not comfortable for me, but I set some guidelines like sidelying and reducing sessions. Halfway though, I night weaned and slept in another room because my first son was very demanding. It was one way that my husband started taking a bigger role with my oldest in prep for my second.

So, have we scared you or encouraged you?

[Norasmomma]

I so agree with the PP, our son was born and he just fit, it was like we didn't skip a beat, he was here and made our family feel whole. I actually feel much more complete now than as a mother to 1, 2 just seems more natural for us.

The biggest issue is any intimacy with DH-those moments are few and far between.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by RunAround

Things can definitely change once younger sib gets mobile and goes after older sibs toys. Just sayin'... My oldest struggles a lot with the whole "community resources" concept. They, ahem, disagree vehemently and with brute force several times a day and my younger son has the language and strength to really go mano a mano with big "brudder". (Seriously, hardest part of parenting 2 is knowing when and how to intervene in THEIR relationship. The second hardest thing is wondering if everyone is getting what they need.)

Oh I know-DD was easy until she could move, that's when she got hard, but honestly for her it will be a great learning moment. She thinks everything belongs to her anyway, she needs to learn that she's got to share. She needs a serious dose of her own medicine.

[major_mama11]

nak

short version: not too bad at first, then really horrible for a month or two, but now, at 7 mos, having two kids is just amazingly awesome.

long version: i had the same worries- i was worried that i would be depriving dd of the love she needed by having a 2nd. the first 2-3 wks were awesome. she was at the birth which i think helped. but then, around wk 3-4, things got reaaaally hard. she asked when we were going to give her away, since we had the baby now. from about week 4 to wk 12 was pretty rough, bc she acted out a lot, the baby was no longer sleeping all day, and i just felt guilty like i had ruined her life by having the baby.

But... after that things got better and better. as the baby gets older, dd is helping w/ him more and more. she loves him sooo much, and the baby's eyes just light up when he sees her. it's actually easier w/ ds at 7 mos than it was w/ dd at this age, bc dd helps entertain him, plays on the floor w/ him, helps him sit back up when he falls over backward.

eta: we have had some issues w/ her grabbing his toys away, but she's pretty good about at least trading for another toy. i think rivalry hasn't been a huge issue bc she had sort of a 'practice sibling' in my next door nephew, who is 9 mos younger than dd.

[lotus.blossom]

I have 2 boys and the age gap is just shy of 3 years. Looking back, I had the same experience as Norasmomma. Being pregnant with a 2 year old was HELL. Pure and simple. I wished everyday that i wasn't pregnant. But it did get better in the third trimester. My ds1 started STTN in his own bed and started acting more mature..... Anyway the age gap is perfect IMO. DS1 is 3.5 now and DS2 is 7m and I am SOOOOO lucky that ds2 is a classicly easy baby. Ds1 was difficult from the moment he arrived. I felt like a failure everyday. He didn't sleep. He was cranky. He was aggressive..... but ds2 is just such a joy. And now that DS1 is older he is too. I love being a mama to 2. Not to say that its not a TON of work! I mean coordinating the needs of 2 different age groups is hard. And my poor DH does suffer for it. But I imagine in a few years it'll be worth every minute to see the boys playing together. and someday I will be able to sleep in again and attend to my own needs.

[lach]

I think everyone had stressed how HARD it was me to the point that I was expecting practical armageddon when #2 was born... so actually compared to what I was expecting it was a piece of cake!

Seriously, though, I was shocked at how easy the transition went. I was very, very lucky in hitting some sort of baby jackpot where #2 slept probably 22 1/2 out of the 24 hours a day for the first 3 months. We actually called him "the baby who never cries." I was afraid something was wrong with him. So I was really lucky in that.

As a result, #1s life went on kind of the same. The baby slept, she played. It was a nice spring, so we spent a lot of time outside in the yard, with the baby monitor on.

I will say that she got an awful sore throat when he was about six weeks old. It was very painful for her to eat or drink, even though she was very hungry and thirsty. All she wanted to do was to be held all day and all night. That was very, very, very hard. I won't lie about that. One or other of them was screaming at all times for I think an 18 hour period (yes, I measured), because I could really only comfort one at a time. Also what made that tough was that although the baby had less understanding about what was going on and thus IMO should have taken priority, I was very worried that this would generate a lot of jealousy in my toddler and make her lash out at the baby. So it was a very fine line.

Now that he is more into her toys, we're getting into more jealousy, but it could be worse. I find that if I actually give her his toy for a few minutes she loses interest very quickly. I bought him a Sophia the Giraffe, and she whined and screamed and grabbed at it for days, and then I finally just gave it to her. She immediately stuck it in her mouth and chewed on it for about 15 seconds, squeezed it a few times, and then said "here baby, here's your toy." And hasn't looked at it since.

So while the hard parts are hard, most of it, IME, wasn't that hard. Some things are considerably more annoying: going out is a PITA, strapping 2 kids into carseats (let's see, do I hope the toddler stands still next to me in the parking lot while I strap baby in first, or do I lie baby down on the floor of the car and hope the toddler doesn't kick him in the face while I strap her in first?). But I wouldn't say that's hard: just kind of logistically annoying.

And some things are SO much easier. DS loves his big sister. Anything she does, he just cracks up. (Even when she snatches his toy, he giggles... that will end soon enough, I suspect). And she gets really upset when he fusses, and goes out of her way to entertain him. Which means that making dinner is so much easier than when I had just one, because she keeps the baby happy while I'm busy, thus amusing both of them.

[amandaleigh37]

My first son was 2.5 when his brother was born this summer. I won't lie, it was hard.

My son handled it very well, but it was hard on me. Those first 2 weeks, my DH stayed home and took care of him while I recovered & took care of the baby. I cried every day because I was so used to it just being me & DS all day, every day. And when DS2 came, I felt like I was not physically able to meet anyone's needs completely. Someone always needed something. I was saying "just a minute" a lot. Many days, after DH went back to work, I kept wondering how I was going to ever manage this. DS would cry because he wanted me to do something for him, DS2 would be crying because he needed me to sit down & nurse him... and some days all I could do was cry right along with them.

DS2 is 5 months old now, and we are doing much better. But it is still harder than I imagined. Even though he is a super EASY baby, there is very little time when I can sit and be still. With one child, it's like you know *eventually* they will nap or sleep and there will be rest for you. I never realized how much I needed those breaks in the day to refresh and keep myself sane. Now, even though the baby sleeps well, I am staying up late to have any alone time at all.

But of course it's not all bad, not even close. And I don't regret it at all. DS2 is such a part of our family, and now that they are laughing at each other and interacting, it is worth all of the struggles we had early on. I really wish I had been better prepared for the challenges. I figured I had the baby stuff down, which I did, but I never imagined how stretched thin and guilty I would feel most days.

[Funny Face]

Originally Posted by limabean

I'm assuming you want the truth, so here goes.

It's hard. Having the 1st baby turned my world upside down in some ways, but having the 2nd baby turned it upside down and it kept right on spinning. I was a phenomenal mother to one child, and it's been a real lesson in humility being the mother of two.

This exactly. When we decided to have our second I was actually so 'good' at mothering one that I was bored and wanted something to take up some of that extra time. Boy did I get it!

Dd was 3 when ds was born and ds just turned one. I am JUST getting my life back in order the last few months.

The biggest issue this time around was that ds just doesn't sleep well (or at all, at times) and there was no chance to make that sleep up with a toddler who no longer naps. I was insane with sleep deprivation at times.

I should also add that while I'm married I parent solo 90% of the time so I don't get a break at all for weeks on end. I also don't have a car so I'm homebound. I think those things greatly affected my experience.

But we will still have a third child, not because I think it will be easier (I'm pretty scared) but because I just can't imagine not having another one, no matter how hard it is.

It gets easier over time so you just have to bear with the difficult times and think of it as a transition period.

Good luck!

[nolansmummy]

Originally Posted by limabean

I'm assuming you want the truth, so here goes.

It's hard. Having the 1st baby turned my world upside down in some ways, but having the 2nd baby turned it upside down and it kept right on spinning. I was a phenomenal mother to one child, and it's been a real lesson in humility being the mother of two.

This has been my experience as well. My kids are almost exactly 3 years apart. My first (ds) was such an easy child, it was so easy being his parent. I had tons of help, and i was able to spend 6 months at home before going back to work. With dd, she was a hard baby. Always unhappy. I felt my ds was really neglected (time and emotionally) at that point because i was always trying to keep dd happy. We also moved away from family at about 6 months old.

Now that ds is 5.5 and dd is 2.5, i finally feel like i have it under control most days although, i hate taking them both out by myself. Ds is now the hard one, very energetic and distracted, while dd is calm and listens and is mostly happy.

I've heard, from family and friends, that going from 1 kid to 2 kids is the hardest, and then after that it gets easier. I'm not so sure. I wanted a big family but going from 1-2 has been so hard for me, i'm stopping.

I wanted to add, that no matter how hard it was in the beginning, it is so worth it! Our little family finally feels complete. Watching Ds and Dd together is so special, and Ds doesn't hold any resentment (that i can sense) towards me for bringing her into our lives! He loves his sister almost as much as i do!