how do you handle your child's fears? and scary dreams?

[threekstrio]

if a child isn't able to say specifically what they are afraid of and we don't have TV or expose them to other things that we think are violent or inappropriate. It actually might be caused by a medication because they started about the same time. It becomes very draining to be woke up during the night and even during daylight hours there are episodes of what is being labelled as fear. Also, how do you know if a child is simply using that to get a response from you?

thank you in advance for your viewpoints and advice.

[hayleyvt]

My son has nightmares every once in a while, so I am not sure this will be of help, since it does not occur often.......but, we always go in to him right away, and ask him what the dream is about. If he is unable to tell us, we would lay down with him for a little bit, and let him know that we are always here, even if we are in the next room. He is 7 now, but his first bad dream started back when he was around 4. At that age, I think it is best to acknowledge the dream but quickly try to get their mind on something else. It is pretty tough to do now....but he will ask us to come up with really good things to think about.....I will give him ideas; "remember when we went to the beach and got to jump waves?.....What do you think Christmas will be like this year?.....Dream about playing soccer in the summer, or going crabbing off the pier, etc......"

[sewchris2642]

For bad dreams in the middle of the night, I get the child up to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. I also told my kids that bad dreams were the brain's way of waking up to go to the bathroom. Even if that's not true (and I have no idea of the idea has any merit or not), the physical act of going to the bathroom wakes up the subconsious enough that the bad dream is forgotten or greatly lessened.

[Freud]

How old is the child?

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I'd tell you, but my MDC membership might get permanently revoked.

No, really, I'd just reassure the child that everything is okay, give them a sip of water and a hug and tuck them back in. I will stay as long as he/she needs me, but I don't lay down with any child. I have three and if I set the precedence with child A, then B and C, when they have bad dreams, there is not enough me to go around, and I don't want to give them manipulation ammunition. I may be a bit of a grump, though.

[StrawberryFields]

My 4 year old ds is going through some stuff with nightmares as well as daytime fears. We are treating it like a phase and riding it out. We got him a flashlight. We tried different sleeping arrangements until we found one that worked (which happened to be moving him back into our bed). It seems that a lot of his peers are going through similar things right now so we felt it was best to be relaxed about it.

We don't bend over backward though. During the daytime/evening if he is afraid to go upstairs into his playroom and our hands are full, he is out of luck. He has a flashlight, he can call out to us the whole time, etc. Or he can just play with the toys that are kept downstairs, or wait until I have plans to go up there to vacuum or hang up laundry.

[VisionaryMom]

If they're not already in the bed with us, then they usually decide to get in. DS can talk about his nightmares now and will in detail. Before he could talk about them, one of us usually would just need to hold him for a while.

What's happening during the day? DD shows *no* fear (even when she should), and DS's only big daytime fear is that we'll get caught out in a storm. We've talked about how and why it rains (and that rain is necessary), and if we're out and weather gets bad, I just try to talk him through it with "we're about 2 minutes from our house. We'll get there before the storm" and that sort of thing.

[Heavenly]

My son (who has bipolar and anxiety disorder) has major fears and nightmares and my youngest DD (who may also have the disorder) has major fears and nightmares as well. If our kids really need it they get to stay up with Daddy or they snuggle with one of us at night until they feel better. We don't feel they are saying they are scared just to be able to stay up so we don't feel that we are giving in to them by letting them stay with us. We bought my youngest daughter a dream catcher but now she keeps waking up at night and crying even more because "the dream catcher doesn't work!!!" Basically we just comfort, comfort, comfort and never, ever shame them or tell them they are a big kid and will be fine. We are totally okay with a little babying because nightmares and fears are scary and who wants to be pushed away when feeling like that.

[meemee]

do you really think they would go to that extent to get a reaction out of you?

even 6 7 year olds?

i dont think so.

fear is alive. real for them.

esp. if they are imaginative children.

they dont need to be exposed to anything. their imagination will do it for them.

i believed my dd's fears. i followed her lead.

she wouldnt even walk on certain streets because scary monsters lived on it. she was 3. so i would stop and look down teh street and yes it did look eerie to me too.

i dont try to fix anything. i just sit with her.

even if she is manipulating me - she is doing it because she needs me more than i am givign her so i figure she just wants more time with me.

that's teh philosophy with which i have brougth up my child.

she is well adjusted strong 7 year old.

she was an extremely clingy little girl. with an over active imagination.

we both discovered our spiritual paths at the same time. she and i at 4 found our 'spiritual home' together. she was happy to go there and join in the activities. so that is what helps her with her fears. the concept of god - her concept of god - not mine, not anyone elses really helps her with her fears.

does your child get a lot of headaches or stomach aches which you feel is not true. seems manipulative. its not. they just have anxiety. my dd has anxiety - which results in stomach aches, which can get better with the snap of the finger if we take care of the problem that created the anxiety.

[Freud]

I would definitely validate their feelings but also help them understand the reality of the situation. Children are still working on being able to distinguish fantasy from reality and its helpful when parents/adults can help them know what's real and what's not. Hence, there's no such thing as monsters in real life, but they sure can be something a child has dreamed up. Because of their developmental phase, they won't necessarily understand that monsters or whatever else is scaring them is not a part of reality right when you tell them, but they will eventually.

I would never tell a child to go back to bed when they're frightened. I think it is best to stay with them until they feel comfortable enough to go back to bed peacefully and willingly.

[Starflower]

DD is 6-1/2 and is going through major anxiety/fears right now about darkness, monsters, etc. It is affecting her even in the day time and she does not want to be alone. She is using a night light at night and is in our room (where she already was) but she wants to be held the entire night. Once she falls asleep she's ok until she wakes up, but now she is waking during the night, scared, as well.

I have been trying to be more available to DD and to not get frustrated or upset because I grew up with anxiety and have been treated for it as an adult. I've tried homeopathic remedies, Bach's flower essences (she won't take this because it's icky - alcohol-based tincture). The homeopathic remedies seem to help a bit.

She reads in bed with us at night (all our own books - she reads at a very high level but nothing in her books is coming up as a fear), then I read her a little kid's story about a cute little kitten. Then she wants me to make up stories about a cat we made up. Sometimes I sing to her and that seems to help, but she has become very sensitive about which songs I sing. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star used to be her favorite but she doesn't want that at all now because it makes her think of a dark, night sky.

We got some "monster spray" which is lavender spray. Doesn't really seem to help though. The night light puts out a lot of light and makes it hard for me to sleep at all, but she would seriously like to have the big light on in the room. She wants to have our arms around her at all times in bed because she "feels like something is going to whisk me away."

DD has also been opening up about things that are bothering her about friendship changes and feeling left out. She usually does this at night.

I am probably going to order a kids' book from a guy that goes by "Dr. Fear" which I read about on a Berkley parents board. It deals with phobias (she's still afraid of toilet flushes as well) and anxiety and OCD.

I have OCD and have been treated for panic attacks, so I am watching DD carefully. She knows that the scary things are just her thoughts. But she can't seem to keep the thoughts from popping into her head (intrusive thoughts/obsessions). I am watching her for repetitive, ritualistic behaviors but haven't noticed any so far.

I was actually hoping this was a phase, but at this point, I think I am probably going to have to find a therapist for her because it's been going on for a few weeks now and isn't lessening, sometimes worsening. And it's affecting all our sleep. I might start with her ND to get some ref's for therapists.

I think in most kids, this is a normal phase. I've heard from other parent friends that kids from 4-7 are having fears about monsters or robbers or such. I think the longevity and severity probably are what defines a phase vs. a different type of problem. The waking all night is a big one for me. If the kids' fears are affecting daily life/nights to the point of disruption for a period of several weeks, a visit to the doctor is probably in order.

Good luck to everyone. (Myself included. lol)