Really starting to question our choices.

[annemoonstar]

Ok, first of all, I am very sleep deprived at the moment and am therefore probably not very coherent or necessarily thinking like I normally would.

DS is almost 9 months. We never intended to bed share, but always thought we would have him in room with us for the first year. But he was in our bed by the end of the first week because he slept so much better next to us. So after reading and discussing and some arguing about it, DH and I made the conscious choice to be bed sharers.

For what I now recognize as a very blissful few months bedsharing was awesome. DS slept 3-4 hours at a time, would latch on when needed with my barely waking and we all slept great. We still get the occasional night where we get more that 2 hours at a time, but those nights are becoming more and more rare. Last night I think there might have been a 1.5 hour stretch in there--maybe. And in between nursing he is moving around all the night--kicking, turning over, wiggling. I feel like I don't sleep at all anymore.

We have always been very anti-CIO and until this point I really felt like I could handle whatever sleep deprivation occurred as a result because I loved sleeping with him. But early this morning when I realized there was not going to be any more quality sleep for the night I admittedly starting wondering if we had made the wrong choice in bedsharing with DS. I felt angry at myself for letting things get to this point, and I felt angry with DS for not being one of those good sleepers that all of my friends seem to have. And I actually found myself wondering if a crying here and there before falling asleep could really be worse than having a mother who is angry and lacks the energy to be the best parent she can be. I am not ready to jump on any form of CIO bandwagon yet (I honestly don't think I could do it, even if I believed in the philosophy), but that's the level of desperation I'm at.

I have NCSS. I've tried some things, but haven't committed to any yet, primarily because DS's sleep patterns have not been consistently bad enough for me to feel motivated enough to make the changes (until recently we'd have a few bad nights, then a few good ones, then a few bad...). But I guess I'm there. Any advice for how to get started? Any other words of encouragement? I HATE that I have any feelings of anger towards my precious little man. It has to stop....

[dianakaye]

I've been there. You sound a LOT like me and your little one sounds just like mine.

First off, you can't beat yourself up. You made the best choices you knew how at the time. Even though you're in a rough spot right now, I don't think it's because you made the wrong decision in bedsharing. My little one isn't high needs during the day, but he is at night. I think that would be the same whether he was in a crib down the hall or right next to me.

We've started doing a few of the NCSS tips and it has helped. In just a couple of months he's gone from waking every 30 min-1 hour to only waking 2-4 times a night. I feel so great that sometimes I wake up at 5:30 and feel totally rested. Of course some nights he regresses, but I chalk it up to teething or illness.

I would encourage you to try some of the NCSS ideas and be really consistent. If it doesn't work in a month or two, then re-evaluate where you are and come back for more advice. Oh, and take good care of yourself- drink some chamomile try to relax or take a nap if/when you can. Beating yourself up isn't going to help either of you sleep better!

[syn_ack89]

My LO didn't sleep much at that age - part of it is bc your LO is going through lots of big developmental milestones. Many people say the worst sleep was 8-11 months. It WILL get better.

[mama c.]

I am in the EXACT same situation as you. My daughter is almost 10 months, she was just like your lil one the 1st few months waking a few times a night, but now shes waking every hour. My husband and I are at wits end too and he wants to let her cry it out b/c thats what everyone keeps telling him works. I just started reading the NCSS again, but I am really not sure what will help.

Dianakaye (or anyone else) Were there specific techniques in the book that really worked for you?

Everyone says she should grow out of it eventually, but I have also heard that babies need to be taught how to fall asleep and soothe themselves and everyone I know who uses a crib (breastfed or not) seems to have a better sleeper. I wish you strength in getting through this time... I keep trying to remember this too shall pass!

[dogretro]

Sleep regression!! : http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...t_are_sle.html

Around 8 months is a notoriously bad sleep regression. It is supposed to be related to movement/sitting/crawling. There is NOTHING you did to cause this & while there might be some things you can do to ease it, there is NOTHING you can do to "cure" it. It WILL pass & it is absolutely 100% normal no matter where your child sleeps. Our dd is in the midst of the 18-mo sleep regression & is in our bed at night despite being night weaned since 10-mo & sttn in her own bed since 12-mo! Sucks, but this, too, shall pass.

[mama c.]

How long do sleep regressions last? Could she still be going through the 8 month regression at 10 months?

[isabchi]

Originally Posted by syn_ack89

My LO didn't sleep much at that age - part of it is bc your LO is going through lots of big developmental milestones. Many people say the worst sleep was 8-11 months. It WILL get better.

I know that you're very tired. I think frequently wakes it's relate to developmental milestones. The only different with bed sharing and crib sleeping it's you're there to confort your LO inmediatelly. I'm asure you that shall pass, and again in a few months probably he'll have another regression,and that's going to get better again.

Two tips:

* during that sleep stage, cut some of the "extra" activities during the day ,for you and for him. I ussually minimize my errands to the minimun,so I don't get extra tired.
* try to arrange to you DH take care of you DS, so you can sleeps a couple more hours in the morning or take a nap on sunday....

Best,
Isa

[K-Mom3]

I've been there before. I think all three of my kids went through major sleep regressions. Are you nursing every time your ds wakes up? When my nights were WAY too interrupted, I usually started trying to work on other methods of soothing. I read that if they're nursing all night, their digestive system will be constantly at work and make them more likely to wake again. Diapers, also, are more of a problem. I kept a bottle of water near my bed. My dd would sometimes take a few sucks of the bottle and go back to sleep. My dh usually stays up really late anyway and would often take some turns rocking the baby to sleep during those first few wakings.

[onlyboys]

First, I just want to tell you that feeling angry or resentful of your son is very common when sleep deprived. For me, it was not so much how I was feeling in the moment, but rather what I did with those feelings. I know very well the place where you are, having done it four times!

Yes, I co-slept with my first, experienced what you're describing and still did it with my three subsequent sons. I put myself in the uncomfortable, sometimes resentment inducing place because it was the right thing for them. Babies deserve to have their mommies accessible to them whenever possible; for me this meant sleep-sharing.

This is not to say that you must play the martyr mommy and rely only yourself for help. Can you enlist a partner for nighttimes? My husband (who worked FT out of the house) would take the shift from 4am until he left for work. I would then get about 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep so that I was functional. During the times when sleep was hard to come by, I also slept when they slept, even into the first year. If you WOH, then this won't be possible for you.

Also, be mindful that this regression might happen again at about 18 months, when you are just beginning to see the light for sleep.

My youngest is 4 years old, my oldest is 13. We have ZERO bedtime issues with our boys--when they are tired (about 8pm or so) they say goodnight and go to bed. There are very few nights that deviate from this pattern. I attribute their ability to just put themselves to bed to bed sharing.

I hope this gives you some hope. This really will pass.

[Luke's mama]

Sorry you are going through this!

I agree that this will pass--every frustrating stage has!

I haven't tried this, but I just read the Baby Whisperer, and while I really do not agree with much of her stuff, she has an idea about putting the baby in the crib, and when they wake up you soothe them and then lay them down, and if they get up, you do it over and over, sometimes 30-hundred times or even more, until they go asleep. She says you might have to do it a few times a night for a few nights, but you stay with them and soon they learn to sleep through. It is not CIO, but supposed to teach them how to sleep through the night. Also, maybe Jay Gordon's night weaning program or using a pacifier at night only might help?

[dianakaye]

Here's the things we used from NCSS. I should say that maybe he's sleeping better because of his age now (13 months), but I'd like to think all the work I did helped a little...

1) Reduced the sucking-and-sleeping association by doing the Pantley Gentle Removal. He can actually fall asleep sometimes with nothing in his mouth.
2) Being more consistent about the bedtime routine we do potty (we EC) and brush teeth, then massage, then books, then I nurse him to sleep. If I think he'll go for it I take the nipple out when he's drowsy but awake and try just rubbing his back. If he goes for it, great, if not I just nurse him all the way down.
3) We've moved him to a toddler bed right next to our bed for the first hour or two. I did this so he gets "practice" sleeping away from me and for the benefit of our marriage. We were getting zero couple time and it was taking a toll. Now DH and I hang out on the bed and watch tv on the laptop so that I can hear him and get to him really fast to help him stay asleep. When he does wake up I try to see if he'll go back to sleep by himself, or with a little rub or cuddle before I nurse him.

I never really planned on co-sleeping, and it does have it's drawbacks, but I'm so glad he's in our bed most of the night. I think it's helped him bond more with his dad than he would have otherwise. I just hope we can get a bigger bed before I get pregnant again so I can always have an open-bed policy.

[dogretro]

Originally Posted by mama c.

How long do sleep regressions last? Could she still be going through the 8 month regression at 10 months?

She certainly could: http://www.askmoxie.org/2009/03/a-re...gressions.html

http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/03/talk-about-the.html

Hang in there, mama!

[crunchy_mommy]

It seems like almost everyone on here reaches the "breaking point" around 9 months.... I know I did... but he is now 10.5 months and is gradually sleeping better. He is not a good sleeper but most nights now I'm waking up every 1-3 hours instead of every 20 minutes. Except last night of course!

I don't think it matters where your LO sleeps -- you either have a good sleeper or a bad one, and it's hard not to be envious of those with the good ones! But in my short experience as a mother, I've seen already that the worst phases are just that -- temporary phases -- and just when you think you've reached rock bottom, it will start to improve.

I think of it this way... if you look back a week, a month, a year, 10 years from now.... are you going to think 'I wish I got more sleep & let my baby CIO' or will you think 'I'm glad I didn't resort to CIO even though I was sleep deprived for a year or two'? Figure out which you'd regret more & go from there!

[Lennon]

Originally Posted by annemoonstar

Ok, first of all, I am very sleep deprived at the moment and am therefore probably not very coherent or necessarily thinking like I normally would.

DS is almost 9 months. We never intended to bed share, but always thought we would have him in room with us for the first year. But he was in our bed by the end of the first week because he slept so much better next to us. So after reading and discussing and some arguing about it, DH and I made the conscious choice to be bed sharers.

For what I now recognize as a very blissful few months bedsharing was awesome. DS slept 3-4 hours at a time, would latch on when needed with my barely waking and we all slept great. We still get the occasional night where we get more that 2 hours at a time, but those nights are becoming more and more rare. Last night I think there might have been a 1.5 hour stretch in there--maybe. And in between nursing he is moving around all the night--kicking, turning over, wiggling. I feel like I don't sleep at all anymore.

We have always been very anti-CIO and until this point I really felt like I could handle whatever sleep deprivation occurred as a result because I loved sleeping with him. But early this morning when I realized there was not going to be any more quality sleep for the night I admittedly starting wondering if we had made the wrong choice in bedsharing with DS. I felt angry at myself for letting things get to this point, and I felt angry with DS for not being one of those good sleepers that all of my friends seem to have. And I actually found myself wondering if a crying here and there before falling asleep could really be worse than having a mother who is angry and lacks the energy to be the best parent she can be. I am not ready to jump on any form of CIO bandwagon yet (I honestly don't think I could do it, even if I believed in the philosophy), but that's the level of desperation I'm at.

I have NCSS. I've tried some things, but haven't committed to any yet, primarily because DS's sleep patterns have not been consistently bad enough for me to feel motivated enough to make the changes (until recently we'd have a few bad nights, then a few good ones, then a few bad...). But I guess I'm there. Any advice for how to get started? Any other words of encouragement? I HATE that I have any feelings of anger towards my precious little man. It has to stop....

I could have written this when my DS was 9 months old! I had all of these same feelings and doubts. I half-heartedly tried to partial night wean on a couple of occasions but ultimately I found it easier to just continue nursing him at every wake up. I am now happy to report that at 14 months he has started consisently sleeping 3-4 hours at a pop!!! I know that doesn't sound like much but it has made a huge difference in how rested I feel and those 5 months went by very quickly! So - just know that if you hang in there your DS will turn a corner! Good luck!

[Cartesia]

My LO woke hourly from 6 months to 10 months and then gradually got better. He is 12.5 months now and for the past 6 weeks he has only been waking 3 times a night, with usually a 5-6 hour stretch.

I think was helped us was TIME, TIME, TIME

plus NCSS

plus Sleepless in America

plus - and here is a big one - we put him on a twin bed on the floor with a saftety gate all the way around it. I can lay there to nurse with him or even sleep there if he is having a bad night but he is in his own space & I am now in the other room. We started this at 10 months and I think it REALLY helped...
Yes, it is hard at first getting up & switching beds but since I lay down to nurse in his bed, it isn't like picking a baby up out of a crib. Also, we do our bedtime wind-down together in his bed, snuggle there during the day & he likes it in there. He has even started to lie down and smile at me when he is ready to go to bed! Of course, he pops up the next minute and then we have to bounce/nurse/sing/pat etc. etc. but it is definitely progress.

Hang in there. You didn't make a bad choice, it sounds like you are just ready to evolve.

[annemoonstar]

Thank you all for your encouragement and words of wisdom. The rest of this weekend was much better. We spent the night with my parents (DH was out of town which just made things harder) and my mom took DS in the am and let me sleep (ahhhhhhhh!). And then the last two nights have been better (knock on wood). I know it probably won't last, but at least I feel rested enough to be more clear headed about things.

I recognize that this is at least partially the milestone thing. He has been crawling now for months, but is so into moving and being with people, I know it has to be hard to stay asleep! But I also am pretty sure that we have made things worse by bedsharing and my nursing him back down for months. Right now, I'm ok with it and I do think that the long term benefits outweigh the challenges we are having now. But some nights and early mornings when we haven't slept are TOUGH!

I do WOH so don't have the option most days to sleep in or nap with him. DH takes him in the am and usually lets me sleep in on the weekends, but it isn't always enough.

I have starting reading NCSS again, and have been working on the PPO. Sometimes it seems to work great...he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Other times, as soon as I pull my nipple out, even if he seems to be super close to sound asleep, he just bounces up and starts crawling around!!

We have had a pretty consistent sleep routine, but I'm also trying to extend our quiet time prior to bed time.

Right now he does go to sleep on a futon in our room and then comes to bed with us after the first waking once we are in bed (sometimes its the first waking period, sometimes its the 4th!). I've been contemplating trying to have him sleep the whole night on the futon (and just move out of our bed to lie with him when he wakes), but in the middle of the night it seems so much more exhausting to have to get out of bed! Anyone else have success with this type of transition? I think I might be more likely to do it consistently if I thought there was a good chance it would help him sleep longer!

Thanks again for all of the support!