Self Control versus Stifled Emotions

[Momma2Gianna]

Penny for your thoughts!

Example Situation - Child is crying, for whatever reason, and heading in the direction of tantrum...Distraction methods haven't worked.

Would you remove the child from the environment, such as to their room and let them cry it out, whether you are standing in the room or not? Or keep the child where they are and allow them to tantrum? Or tell the child to stop crying?

At the same time, I want the child to be able to express their emotions freely, but I don't want to just stick a kid in their room to cry and freak out. I know that at 2/3 years of age, the child may not have the words for "I am angry" "I am sad", and needs to be taught effective methods of experiencing these emotions, but at the same time, requires the lesson that just because you scream and cry does not mean (insert set off here, for example, have chocolate for dinner.)

So in dealing with yours, do you lean more toward the let them cry, or try to make them stop?

This question does not have to do with any particular situation or child, really. It's more of a reaction to an observation I made earlier today (not me with my child) so I am just wondering YOUR methods. I guess my question specifically is, when distraction has failed and the child is determined to have a full on meltdown of emotions, what is your next step? Allow the tantrum to happen (kicking screaming throwing themselves to the floor and crying) or attempt to corralle the child in some manner to stop the child from having an all-out tantrum? (Or taking the "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" attitude)?

Thanks for your responses. I look forward to your opinions.

[JamieCatheryn]

Mostly ignore it, after I acknowledge how he feels about it ("I'm sorry you don't want to leave now but we need to, next we're going to do ____", "I know you want candy, I love candy too, but now we need this tasty lunch"). If he's a disturbance to others or endangering himself I'll lead or carry him somewhere else.

[sewchris2642]

They go to their room until they are done with the tantrum. When they have control of themselves, they can come out. When they come out is up to them. When the tantrum is over, then the situation can be discussed. Nothing can be discussed in the middle of a tantrum. When they were able to discuss the situation, we were able to resolve it by compromise, by them accepting our decision or by us having our decision changed by their arguements.

They were never refused their tantrum but, at the same time, the rest of the family has the right not to listen to it. That was the reason behind them going to their room to have the tantrum.

[ssh]

The next step if the tantrum can't be avoided is to just verbally comfort or sympathize with the tantruming child. If I'm in public I say we can come back when you feel better and we leave. I often have a snack or drink in the car so a meltdown somewhere usually stops as we get the carseat buckled up. I think putting them in another room gives a rejecting kind of message, sort of "I only like you when you're happy/pleasant" . So of your choices this one "Or keep the child where they are and allow them to tantrum"is what we do. Once my DD reached about 3.5 she would often choose to go to her room if she was upset. I knock on her door to see if she wants to talk or something, often she does. She's 4 now and doesn't tantrum much unless she's tired or feels bad. 2.5 was the age she was most emotionally fragile.

Tantrums are how small children learn how to deal with strong emotions so trying to make them stop crying undermines their emotional development. I'd much rather have a tantruming toddler or preschooler than a teenager or adult who has never matured emotionally because they didn't learn how to deal with overwhelming feelings.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

After acknowledging emotions, and trying to move into problem-solving mode, at that age I mainly just ignored it.

At almost five, those kinds of tantrums rarely happen anymore. If they do, she's usually hungry, or tired, or having difficulty with a transition. If I can't help her resolve the problem, after acknowledging feelings, I'll remove myself from the room or ask her to go somewhere where the noise is less disruptive.

[mammal_mama]

I feel I should be available to comfort if my child wants comfort. I wouldn't make my child go to a room alone, but would allow her the space if space was what she wanted.

[Tjej]

I let my child experience their emotions for the most part (I do very little of the "distracting out of an upset" type thing), but I do encourage "self-control" as well.

I do what I can to validate the emotion my child is expressing, and then (depending a bit on circumstance, but I'm assuming this is an over-tired type situation) we go and the child sits to "calm down" so we can talk. Usually I stay with the child and wait, but sometimes I am in the middle of something or just need a minute away from the screaming to collect myself, so I go and come back. Sometimes my child needs to be held to calm down, and I do, but usually just having a minute or me being there is enough. Then we talk about whatever it is, and we move forward. I am pretty hardcore about not changing my mind for a tantrum, so even if I would have been willing to do something different if it had been approached nicely we don't do that when a big fit has been pitched.

So while I am in the "let them cry" camp, we also really do expect them to get a handle on their emotions when they can.

Does that answer what you are getting at?

Tjej

[AbbieB]

My experience with my 2/3 year old DD was that there was no "let" when it came to tantruming. If she was heading in that direction and distraction (or food/drink/nursing, or leaving the overwhelming environment) did not work than it was just gonna happen.

I would do my best to move her to a private space and then be there for her when she was ready to calm down and move on.

[funkymamajoy]

I walk or carry the child to his/her room and s/he can come out when they're done. They have the right to their emotions and to express them. But my other children get upset when one is really throwing a fit. One child should not upset everyone else because s/he didn't get what s/he wants.

However, if a child is simply disappointed, upset, sad, etc then we try to talk through it.

[AutumnW]

My son is very emotional, just like his mama. When he is upset I acknowledge that I understand what he is upset about by talking to him about it. I ask him how he's feeling to help him gain the vocabulary about his emotions by say do you feel sad/mad/upset/etc. Usually if this starts when he's with dh it will turn into a power struggle because dh is stern and then ds gets his feelings hurt and cries more and dh thinks he's just throwing a fit. When ds goes past the stage of talking I kind of give him a time out by picking him up and having him lay his head on my shoulder while I pat his back and talk to him about it. When he calms down we talk about what happened and the cause and effect of the actions and feelings that occurred so that he understands why certain actions of his led to other actions or feelings.

Very rarely, and usually when he was younger and didn't understand as much he would hit or flail in anger and that would get him sat on the couch alone while we went on with our business and he was allowed to get up when he could come and give us a hug in apology (again before verbalization) then we would still talk to him about what happened.

[waiting2bemommy]

it depends on the situation.

Ds is prone to melting down right after work on weekdays, because he hasn't seen me all day so is craving attention, plus he's hungry and tired. Given the reasons behind his tantruming, I feel like it would be emotionally, I don't want to say abusive, but very unkind to isolate him further by putting him in his room. So I will acknowledge what he says (i.e. "I know you want candy and you can have a piece after dinner") and then leave him to do his thing on the floor. My son is very stubborn so getting "tough" with him usually just results in a power struggle. I am working really hard at finding alternatives to spanking (no flames please! I am REALLY trying) and I noticed that the times I was most likely to "pop" him were times when it had escalated into a power struggle. My goal is not to "break" him, but to teach him to be respectful to mommy and to express himself appropriately. It all sounds so lofty in a nice typed out post, but believe me it is quite challenging IRL. But that's what we're aiming for.

That being said, if he is just being disrespectful (very rarely he will spit in my face, or strike out at me) or if he is tantruming for no reason other than not getting his way, yes, I will remove him to his room or a quiet corner or something. If it's a tantrum I tell him to come out when he's done. If it's a time out for being disrespectful he usually ends up screaming and carrying on, and I expect him to stay where I put him until *I* tell him he may come out/get off the couch/whatever.

[*MamaJen*]

At home? I just shove a boob in his mouth.
I know it's good for kids to experience their emotions, but honestly I don't think there's a huge psychological benefit to tantruming. I guess there is a benefit to learning to come out of the tantrum on your own, but if you were in hysterics, your partner or best friend would give you a hug, right?
I kind of think of toddlers as being creatures who aren't capable of handling their emotions sometimes, and it's my job as a parent to help him. Nursing just brings him back to center immediately.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

At home? I just shove a boob in his mouth.
I know it's good for kids to experience their emotions, but honestly I don't think there's a huge psychological benefit to tantruming. I guess there is a benefit to learning to come out of the tantrum on your own, but if you were in hysterics, your partner or best friend would give you a hug, right?
I kind of think of toddlers as being creatures who aren't capable of handling their emotions sometimes, and it's my job as a parent to help him. Nursing just brings him back to center immediately.

The "do you need milk" stopped helping most of the time once my was almost 2.5. When she was younger she'd usually ask to nurse when she first started getting upset.

[AllisonR]

Depends on the personality of the child. My DS wanted hugs and feeling loved, so that is what I gave him. Space alone when he was in the middle of it, but I was always in the same room, very close nearby. My DD was engulfed in her rage during a severe tantrum and trying to comfort her at the point would just frustrate her more, so I would give her space. If it was the middle of kitchen floor, I might just walk right over her, or go to another room, or she would even run away to another room. Nothing to do but wait until it was over.

Oh my, I am grateful to be over this stage! I can't even remember the last time either one had a tantrum. I hope I don't jinx it by writing this.

[cappuccinosmom]

Depends on the child and the situation. Usually a combination of removal (from the situation, not from me) and "Stop crying", along with talking. Sometimes, all i have to do is "threaten" them with a tickle or a hug. Other times it takes more effort.

"Stop crying" isn't just a command to stuff their emotions. It's a direction to keep them from going out of control and give me a chance to help them work through what's bothering them and express their feelings appropriately. I don't ignore tantrums, because it doesn't benefit my particular children and it definitely doesn't work. My dad tried it when I went out to run errands and he stayed with the boys. My 2 yo started screaming as soon as I walked out, and 20 minutes later he was still screaming at full volume and trying to beat the door down. At that point dad decided ignoring it wasn't having quite the effect he'd been hoping for.

When I can get them to stop yowling, take a deep breath, and listen to me, we can usually resolve whatever issue they're having quickly and in a mutually agreeable way. I don't believe it's necessary to be allowed express emotions in a raging, violent, unchecked manner, and it's important to learn to restrain oneself because such behavior negatively affects anyone within close range, and if it continues into adulthood can have severe social consequences. Even if a parent is inclined to do nothing to stop a tantrum, if one removes the child from others whom the tantrum is negatively affecting, or teaches her to remove herself, that's instilling the same value, that tantrums are not to be inflicted on others, no matter how angry a person is.

[eepster]

My child is free to cry as long as he feels he needs to. I won't interfere with that at all, but simply be there to offer sympathy, help him work his way trough.

If my child's behavior while he is crying becomes a danger, disruption, infringes on others, etc then I will remove him from the situation.

Two examples:

1- DS was upset at the supermarket b/c I bought frozen peas. He sobbed constantly. He begged and pleaded with me not to buy the peas. He tried talking me out of it, by changing his mind about having them for dinner (yes, this was after he had told me he wanted peas for dinner, he was in an odd mood.)

Through all this I simply explained to him why I was buying the peas (they were on store sale, and there was a manufacturer's coupon.) I asked him why he didn't want me to buy the peas. I assured him that peas for dinner was still a choice he could make. I told him he didn't have to eat them at all if he didn't want to (he ate them very happily 2 nights later.) I let him make all the other choices he usually gets to make, and imposed no penalty for the sustain irrational crying fit he had at the supermarket.

2- DS had a tantrum b/c I wouldn't let him play around in the parking lot. Not only did he cry, he tried to get loose and run around the parking lot. He lay down in the parking lot. He stiffened himself so I couldn't get him into the car.

I had to pick him up and force him into the back of the car. Once we were there, there was no sympathy or discussion till he was in his carseat and buckled. While we drove I was in no mood to play our usual car games. When we got to the net destination (one he loved, the library) he didn't get to go in right away like the other people in the car, he had to sit in the car with me and discuss why what had happened, how it was dangerous, etc. After he apologized, I told him that if something similar happened when we left the library it would be several week before we went back, and that if we had to leave the library early, we wouldn't be taking out any books.



Though DS was emotionally as upset over the peas as he had been in the parking lot, he did not try to hurt me, deliberately disrupt anyone (I'm sure a few people disliked listening to DS cry, but YKWIM,) do anything destructive or do anything dangerous. I don't expect him to completely control his emotions, but I do expect him to control his behavior.