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how much does your ex have the kids?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
Okay, parents with an ex... how many hours per week does your ex have the kids?
and what if the kids don't want to go?
does it work differently if the kids are older?
what is reasonable?
and how flexible are you with the arrangement?
post #2 of 24
My ex has the kids 50% of the time. They are 2, 4, and 5 yrs old. I would generally think 2 yrs old is a bit young for that, but being that they are very close sisters, it seems to work just fine as they are always together. It also helps that he has involved family on his end and they very much love them all.

I didn't want 50% when my littlest was younger. I thought it would be much too difficult on her. But it seems to work now, and it's obvious she has a very strong bond w/ her father.

We do all of the transitions through the school/daycare, so as not to have them leaving one parent for the other. This seems to work wonders as they are happy to see whomever is picking them up.
post #3 of 24
I have one 8.5 year old.

She goes to her dad on Tuesdays from 4-7:45 pm. Then on Fridays from about 5pm Friday evening-8:30am Saturday morning.

and what if the kids don't want to go?
I try to talk her into it. If she's adamant, I let her deal with her father and discuss the issue.

does it work differently if the kids are older?
We've only been divorced since she was 6, and it's been the same the whole time.

and how flexible are you with the arrangement?
I used to be more flexible, but when he was showing no flexibility in return I stopped being as compliant, now we stick much more to the schedule.
post #4 of 24
Xh has the kids one weekday, usually Tuesdays from 8am till 6pm. He takes school aged ones to school and picks them up. He also has them from 6pm Saturday night till 6pm Sunday. That is about all he can handle them for. I was allowing him to see the kids here at my home at times I need to go out, but that will be stopping due to boundry issues.
post #5 of 24
My kids are with their Dad on the weekend. He picks them up Sat morning and drops them off Sun night after they've had their dinner and bath.

I've never had any problems with them going because they're always excited. I know that my 4yo would like to see him more (well, actually, he wants him to come home!) but ex works Mon - Fri and they are still too little to see him after work (they're 4yo and 18mo - by the time he got here from work they'd be getting ready for bed)

ETA: We're fairly flexible. Last night ex had them overnight Sun as well, and dropped them off this morning on his way to work, as I went to see my niece dance. He'll also be coming Christmas morning to see them open their presents. I'm always willing to give him more time with the boys as I think it's good for them, he always seems happy to have extra time with them if he can.
post #6 of 24
My kids are nearly 5 & 3. We have a "standard" visitation agreement - every Tues afternoon & EOW, I believe.

However, X doesn't stick to it. On average, he probably sees the kids slightly less than once a week, for a few hours. He rarely schedules a visit of his own volition - either his parents push for it, when they schedule a visit, or my older child calls him & asks him to come & visit. He only takes the older one for overnights, and has only done so once in the past several months.

It's really crummy for the kids. He does approximately zero "parenting." They're social visits in every sense. Not having any routine with him stinks for the kids, and for me frankly. I WISH I could plan regular time when he would have the kids.

In terms of "holding him" to the formal visitation schedule - I could *limit* him to those times, but could not *make* him take the kids at those times.

ETA: your other questions -

They would like to see him more, not less.

What is reasonable, IMO, is having a consistent routine where both parents are actually parenting, hopefully with a united front.

I'm very flexible. I have told him that he can't expect that the kids will be available on less than 48 hours notice. That said, I will pretty much always agree to them spending time with him unless it interferes with plans already in place.
post #7 of 24
dd is 7 now.

from 18 months till her 3rd bday her dad would see her everyday for a few minutes here or there or a few hours. after her 3rd bday he started taking her overnights. we transitioned slowly.

and somehow our schedule just naturally turned into alternate days. so i would drop dd to school/dc and ex would pick her up. then he'd drop her the next day and i would pick her up. the weekends she spent with me. from friday afternoon to sunday evening.

this worked v. v. well for our family. it was enough time away from me for dd. it wasnt too long. plus for her dad to parent, it was easier to do it for a few hours rather than a few days.

however we are v. flexible. for instance ex wanted to take dd for an xmas party so he took her saturday evening. i had her sunday morning so we could go to a bday party. then from the afternoon her dad took her and will keep her till tomorrow evening so i can study for my finals.

my dd and her dad have a v. close bond. she loves him as much as she loves me. when dd was young if she wanted me ex would bring her to me if he couldnt convince her to stay. ditto here. sometimes i have taken dd to her dad's at 11 pm because she wanted him adn couldnt sleep and he could take her.

today if dd wants to stay with me - its coz of the fun we have together. so i always convince her to go see her dad. because i have noticed if she spends too much time with me then suddenly out of the blue she reaaaaaaaly misses her dad.

she however does feel v. v. torn. she would like to spend time with both of us TOGETHER, but we are not at that place.

what is reasonable? whatever works for your family. i have had many workers raise their eyebrows at our one day on one day off schedule - and find it hard to believe that it really works v. v. well for our family.

i am v. flexible because i feel its for my dd's best interest. we switch days sometimes. also ex does the santa thing much better. he is the creative one. so he always has dd for xmas eve and sunday am and i get her in the afternoon. and i am happy about that. i dont long to spend xmas with her. however i do the easter bunny better so dd gets to spend easter with me.

the key is whatever works for your family and how ex is willing to work with you.
post #8 of 24
My kids are 8 & 10. My ex has them EOW and during the school year when there is CCD, he has them on Mondays. This is the last year for CCD. When there is no CCD, he works and I have no idea when he will see them during the week as he has a long commute. So I just tell him where we will be and if he can make it, he will come and get them from where we are.

The kids handle it pretty well, but if he does go the full 2 weeks without seeing the kids (which has happened a couple of times) the kids do have a hard time with that. This week-end was technically my week-end with the kids. I had my youngest's birthday party (I took her and 2 of her friends to a movie and dinner) and ex took my oldest for the week-end. Which was probably good considering how much they have been fighting lately, they just needed some time apart.
post #9 of 24
My kids see their dad every Wednesday night from 5-8 and EOW Fri 5pm til Mon morning. Then he sees them on the Mondays following my weekend from 5-8pm. That is the set schedule. But we are VERY flexible. If the kids end up wanting to spend an extra night at his house, then that is fine by me. If the kids want to come home to me early on the weekend, then he is fine with it.

We also spend a lot of time all together. Funny, we spend more time together now that we are divorced than we did when we were married.

We also do the major holidays together and the kids school events together.
post #10 of 24
Originally Posted by rainbowmum View Post
Okay, parents with an ex... how many hours per week does your ex have the kids?

EOW, Friday at six till Sunday at six.

and what if the kids don't want to go?

We haven't hit that yet

does it work differently if the kids are older?

They're seven and two

what is reasonable?

We try to stay in close contact about the kids, and we feel this current schedule is reasonable

and how flexible are you with the arrangement?

Fairly flexible, I just let my ex know that if he requests flexibility, I'd like some in return
That's us.
post #11 of 24
He never has ds alone without me. He sees ds maybe 5 weekends per year. During those weekends he sees ds between 1-6 hours total. I supervise the entire time.

When ds was 9 months to 2 years old ex did have visits without me. He never saw ds for more than 3 hours at a time for up to 3 times a week. That was his choice to never see ds for longer than that. Ex stopped showing up to take ds when he was 2 years 1 month old. He was supposed to pick him up for a visit on Thanksgiving... one that HE requested (because that wasn't a typical day for him to see ds). We waited around but he never showed up or called. The next day (which was a scheduled visit for him) he never showed up or called. He never showed up or called after that.
post #12 of 24
Never. They are with me 100% of the time. If there comes a time when they can be with him though I would like every other weekend and Wednesdays. I have heard (from an experienced lawyer who is also a mother) it's not good to let one parent have them every single weekend. Then they get to be the "fun" parent and you have to be the "bad" disciplinarian who makes them do their homework and eat right and go to bed at a decent hour. She said this can really create problems in the relationship between the kids and the parent who has them only weekdays. It can also cause conflicts between the parents. So, I think every weekend can and does work for a lot of families but I just thought I'd throw that out there because, before she told me that, it never would've crossed my mind. Good luck.
post #13 of 24
From 2:40 friday afternoon to about 8:40 saturday night. SO slightly over 24 hours. He requested saturday nights but my son didn't want to spend 2 nights with him. Fortunately he didn't put up a fight. As far as the kids not wanting to go, you can try and address why they don't want to, but in the end if the NCP isn't abusive then in my mind they need to spend the time with that parent. My older son has a really poor relationship with his dad because they live states apart and rarely see each other and he has struggled with the absence of his father in his life really badly. I view it as a mandatory bedtime/eat your veggies kind of thing. Some things are important enough that even though you can empathize with the kids, they still have to do it anyway.
post #14 of 24
one night a week and every other weekend.

if they do not want to go I have no choice but to send them. its the law. If they don't want to go I tell them to talk to their daddy because he is more likely to listen to them (but still not likely, and they don't like to talk to him about stuff because he is a manipulator and liar and they know it and don't want to be manipulated so it is easier not to ask) than to me. and legally my hands are tied.

flexible. it is flexible when he wants it to be but not so much when I want it to be.

also I can't leave them with a sitter if I need to work or get something done/ I have to call him first. its a total hassle so I just don't ever do anything and have even cut back on how much I work.

does it change when the kids are older? I don't know. There is no way I will give him custody even if that is what the kids think they want. I remember telling my non-custodial dad to essentially send the check every month and leave me the heck alone. I hated that I had to give up my friends and summers and everything fun to hang out with a stranger who only wanted to spend time with me when it was convinient to him. screw that. I wanted my home and my friends and my vacation. You can only hear a snpotty mouthed tween tell you how much she hates you, and hates visiting you before you give up I suppose.
post #15 of 24
My son is with his dad approximately 48 hours (the weekend) every week. We are flexible about changes--if I go out of town or he has to work or the kid has some event, we take weekends off. He rarely cancels though. I know some people think it's too much time and we miss a lot of weekend stuff, but I think it's really important for them to spend as much time together as possible.

My son is almost 7, and I think that makes it easier. When he was younger, his father preferred to hang out here and that worked well for me then, but I like that he goes to his dad's and they get their own time. My son genuinely wants to go to his dad's so that's not usually a problem. Every once in awhile, he will want to stay home or come home sooner, and we try to honor that and we have no legal agreement. If at one time, he wants to live with his dad, we will seriously consider it. We will reassess as needed. It might be that we need to make changes, but for now, this works for us.

I think it's important to consider adjusting the schedule if there are concerns. Something that worked in the past might not continue to work. I think being a little flexibility and open minded helps as well. It makes handling the schedule much easier.
post #16 of 24
Our separation agreement determined custody. I have sole legal and physical custody - visitation is 'determined around school and work schedules'.

When ex left - he moved an hour away. He now lives 30 min away. I don't think school nights are reasonable, and he works long hours on the weekends. He is able to change his work schedule but chooses not too.

He usually picks the kids up on Friday around 4pm, returns them Saturday at 9am. So not even 24 hrs a week. This is the most consistent our routine has been since he left. He did not take any visitation with our youngest until he was about a year old (then I told ex he had to take the baby too...I was working and needed the childcare). Depending on ex's 'schedule' (ie: whether or not he has a date) he may not take the kids.

I am flexible - to an extent. No overnights on school nights. Other than that, we work things out pretty well.

If a kid doesn't want to go - they don't have to go. We had a problem where DD#2 didn't want to go to Daddy's house at all. If gently trying to talk her into it didn't work, she stayed with me. Ex agrees on this - we both think forcing the kids into a visit they don't want, will not work out well in the long run. She got over it, and now goes to her dad's with the other two.

What is reasonable, is really whatever works for us at the time. We don't have any court orders we have to adhere too either.
post #17 of 24
One weekday per week for the whole day time (while I work), and also every second week on a Saturday for the whole day. Sleep overs arranged on an ad hoc basis, and were only introduced 2 months after the separation (and only because of necessity as I had to work some nights). We have our 'definite' week day and the rest are arranged on a week to week basis. So far, no problems, luckily. My son is 26 months and is also still nursing.
post #18 of 24
I have two ex-es

My older kids see their father EOW 8:30pm until Sunday at about 9:30pm at his place.
My younger two see their father sporatically right now. It's working out to about 1-2 times a week for 3 hours or so each time. Sometimes the older kids are there, sometimes they aren't. The visits with the younger kids are at my house with me supervising. Eventually we have to figure out a more consistent visitation schedule.
post #19 of 24
We are mid-mediation so this is how things are for now, they will likely change.

Kids are with their dad every tuesday night and every other weekend, from sat am, through till i pick them up from school monday pm.

I would like to change that to fri eve-sun eve but so far he refuses.

He wants them much more and is fighting to have them both tues and thurs eve and EOW. I'm against the every other night thing, too much back and forth for them. We can't come to an agreement about this at all and are stuck. We've been flexible but now he's decided to put his heels in and refuse to budge on anything unless he gets thursdays.

Interesting that our current arrangement is similar to so many people here, and yet he argues that he sees his kids way less than most dads in our situation. CA generally gives 50/50 custody but i really don't think that's in our kids' interests right now given that he works full time and me part time.
post #20 of 24
Well, I'm no longer single but I still have an ex, so I'm replying.

Our situation is a bit different. Ex is active duty military. We don't have a schedule. Our divorce agreement mentions "reasonable visitation." When he was stationed in the area, he had them a couple of weekends per month, and basically whenever else he felt like having them. We homeschool, so it's not a big deal.

The kids and I are in Rhode Island and their dad is no longer stationed here. Last year they visited him for two months on Guam, and this year they visited him for two months in Virginia. My only issue was that I didn't want them to be gone for the summer....summers here are so short, I wanted to enjoy the nice weather with them. They were in Virginia for September and October, getting home in time for Halloween shenanigans.

DS1 will be 18 next month. I'm not sure how visits will go from here on out. DS just got a job. He's not going to be able to leave for weeks at a time. I'm not sure if DS2 will want to be gone for several weeks at a stretch without his brother. Legally, DS1 doesn't have to visit anymore, anyway....but I'm sure he'll want to. I don't know, however, if his dad will continue to pay for travel for him.
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