For those families who are TV free...

[JSerene]

Please give your opinion on our situation.

We have been TV free for many years. My 4 1/2 year old dd has special needs, and she suffers chronic pain. This has caused us as a family to compromise in some areas, which I am okay with. That being said, my husband and I do have a point of disagreement. I started letting dd watch movies about 6 months ago. At first it was 20-30 minutes here and there. Currently it's 45-90 minutes every other day or so. My husband thinks this is too much, especially since we never intended to do movies at all till she was older. She's currenlty having a health crisis and she is totally distracted and content during movie time. I think this short reprieve is justified despite the problem of making this a habit.

In the past we relied more heavily on books. We still read a lot, but there are times I opt for the movie to distract her so I can get some time to myself. Okay, pass judgement. Good, bad, in between? I'm inclined not to worry about it in the middle of everything else happening with her, but it's far from the rare to no viewing I had envisioned for her.

[Musubi]

I think if I were in your shoes and my child found relief and peace in a little TV, I would allow it with no apologies.

We don't let DD watch TV very much at all, but there are mornings when "Super Why" or "Dino Train" are needed in order for me to stay in my head.

[*Lisa*]

I don't see a problem with it at all, especially if you're just going to let her watch that much during the health crisis. I think I would do the same thing in your situation.

[Wild Lupine]

The situation you describe sounds completely reasonable and appropriate to me.

Does DH have any other suggestions for how you can get a break and still have your daughter rest contentedly? Is it the movies he objects to or the screen time? Would he be more amenable to a Sesame Street DVD?

[JSerene]

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

The situation you describe sounds completely reasonable and appropriate to me.

Does DH have any other suggestions for how you can get a break and still have your daughter rest contentedly? Is it the movies he objects to or the screen time? Would he be more amenable to a Sesame Street DVD?

It's the screen time. She mostly watches innocent kids stuff: misc. disney movies, Wallace & Grommit, some nature stuff, whatever. All age appropriate, no advertising.

He doesn't have other suggestions...just continue to give, give, give I guess. She takes a lot out of me... I love her to pieces, but she needs as much attention now as she did when she was 8 months old.

[amber913]

We would be completely TV-free if not for dh, so i'm sorry, i'm not the best one to answer, but...

Your child's comfort and happiness is paramount, so if TV helps her forget about her pain for a little while, i feel the benefits of watching TV are far greater than any detriment it may have.

I wonder if your dh is so hard-core into TV-free, he's not able to open himself up to any other ideas? I'm sorry if that sounds offensive. My own dh can do that sometimes--heck, i'm sure i do it, too!--hold on so tightly to an idea or practice, that we forget that there are exceptions to every rule. I think your daughter's pain is a viable exception. I, myself, have found my parenting to be much different from what i'd planned, and i feel that if you don't bend, you break, more often than not.

You seem to have thought it through--she watches wholesome programming without commercials, and not much at all. And you continue to read to her--that's great. Good luck!

[clicksab]

Absolutely fine. And better than I would be doing! If DH has no better solutions and you are the one spending the bulk of the time with her, he's got to trust your judgement on this one. Because mommy having a breakdown to hold up some ideal that doesn't mesh with your reality just isn't worth it to me.
My DD is special needs, and she watches an embarrassing amount of tv. Not because she's in pain, but quite honestly because I don't know what else to do with her. She won't let me play with her or read to her, and while she will play on her own....she won't do it all day long. She insists on me being near her at all times, but not necessarily interact with her. It's frustrating and exhausting, emotionally and physically. If I didn't pop in a DVD I would get nothing done around the house, no showers, and no breathing space. Try not to be too hard on yourself!

[NiteNicole]

Of course you need a break, but if it also gives HER a break and an escape, why not? That is possibly the best reason for TV I can think of.

[lilyka]

I think your husband is being unreasonable. Easy for him to say it is not nessecary. He is not the one in constant pain. If this helps your dd get through the day then go right ahead. In a perfect world we would never need pain meds or distractions from pain or anything else. this is not a perfect world and I don't think it will harm your dd at all to have something that keeps her mind off the pain.

[Llyra]

I'm the biggest advocate for TV-free you're ever likely to meet, but even I agree that when a child is ill or in pain, TV is sometimes the best way to meet their need for distraction from their discomfort. DD2 had an extended illness last month, for about three weeks, and we relied heavily on the TV to get through it.

I would think that if you have a plan to cut back again once she's passed the crisis and is feeling a bit better, than it's just fine to let her watch any amount that you decide on.

[BrittneyMarie]

If it takes your child's mind off of her pain, how could your dh think its a bad thing? As long as it's appropriate and not all day long, anyway

[Holiztic]

Originally Posted by Llyra

I'm the biggest advocate for TV-free you're ever likely to meet, but even I agree that when a child is ill or in pain, TV is sometimes the best way to meet their need for distraction from their discomfort. DD2 had an extended illness last month, for about three weeks, and we relied heavily on the TV to get through it.

I would think that if you have a plan to cut back again once she's passed the crisis and is feeling a bit better, than it's just fine to let her watch any amount that you decide on.

Hey, I was going to claim being the biggest advocate for tv-free!

BUT, we are 2 weeks into a household killer cold/flu something and the worst part isn't the cold but the lack of sleep (3-4 hours a night--not straight-- for over a week). Then DH left for a week long business trip. It was some gentle TV (Little Bear only, on dvd with no commercials) interspersed with cooking and taking care of ourselves or a total breakdown for both DS and me. I chose Little Bear. When we're well it gets packed up in "the sick box" with tissues and throat drops to wait for the next time we're all sick like this.

With something chronic I'd have a hard time with daily TV, but likely I'd choose really low key, non-flashy programming, non-commercial and try to intersperse it with valuable life experiences (if she's able) like cooking, cleaning, and nature time.

[Mama_Meme]

I've been TV free for 10 years now, and when I had milk-blister for 6 weeks when DD was 8 months old, I watched movies GALORE, to take my mind off the incessant pain.
So, don't go to hard on yourself. It's not forever and if she gets some reprieve and you get some time to yourself, I think it's OK.
And, she over 4, which is a lot longer than most go TV free (I was TV free until 5 and now I don't need it at all...)
be gentle with yourself.

[RockStarMom]

I wouldn't hesitate to allow my child to watch TV if it gave her relief from pain.
(And we don't own a TV. )

[Hedgehog Mtn]

I'm with the pp - and we've been TV free for 10 years.

As an alternative I would call your local library and see if they subscribe to "overdrive". It's free with the library card and you just sign in online, download audio books right at your home PC and listen to them anytime. For us we are allowed 3 per library card and they expire (disappear) in 7 days.

I use it for sick kids by giving them headphones on the laptop so they can listen by themselves but you can transfer to an ipod (some) or other MP3 players too.....plus many can be burned to a disk.

Or check out your libraries audiobook collection not instead of TV time but as a change of pace sometimes.

[LittleYellow]

We are TV-free, but when my dd was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and had to go through six months of IV steroids and we were very limited in going out I was ready to do movies if it would make dd happy. At that time it turns out we didn't need it because dd mostly slept during treatment.

When we had H1N1 this fall, I had no problem resorting to movies for the first time in thier life. We did the overdrive from our library as well (they have a fabulous live action gentle version of Corderoy that we loved) and got a few movies from the library (also loved Linea in Monets Garden).

When things are going well, TV-free is wonderful, but when life brings other challenges and well-made age-appropriate movies/shows help, then do it as long as you need to.

[Sierra]

I am with the others who say that your child's comfort is a top priority, and you have to do what you have to do. It sounds like tv is really helpful to her right now...so be it.

We are mostly tv free, but when my kids are sick (and here I am talking about non-acute medical crises even), and sometimes in other circumstances, we too have been known to pop in a movie.

A few thoughts:

1. You may want to think about down the line, how things might go. Kids establish habits quickly, so it might be good to sit down with your husband and make a plan for what you see as the appropriate amount of tv-viewing say a year from now. And then give some thought to how you might get there. I hesitated at first in saying this because obviously your husband will be reluctant to long-term plan with you if he is not satisfied with the current plan...BUT...I wonder if having a long-term plan will help him feel less anxious about the amount your dd is viewing.

2. Someone else mentioned audio books. If you and your husband are worried about making sure to limit screen time but still need tools for keeping your daughter comfortable, audio books do seem like a good item to have in your "toolbox."

3. I think you are choosing some good, age appropriate stuff, with the nature shows especially. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that stuff like Disney isn't commercial-free and isn't always age appropriate. With a company like Disney, the advertising isn't necessary because the show is advertising. Also, except in the cases of a few Winnie the Pooh shows, I have found Disney to be the worst offender in terms of age-inappropriate content. It's all packaged of course in age-"appropriate" cartoon drawings and whatnot, but just because it is marketed to kids and looks like stuff kids would like, doesn't make it kid-appropriate. That could be part of what makes your husband uncomfortable. I personally would be *very* uncomfortable if dw started popping Disney in for our kids to watch.

Anyway, with those things in mind, I think some videos every other day or so is a fine part of a pain-management program for a four year old that is involving other pain-management tools as well. Heck, even perhaps a video every day.

[JSerene]

A great big thank you to everyone who commented. I really needed to hear that it's okay - I'm going to reread this thread next time I need help putting any guilty feelings aside.

Part of my dh's problem is that he feels the child is getting spoiled and letting her watch movies is just one more way we are giving in to her too much. I know that sounds awful, but he is a wonderful father, he just worries about his little girl. We are having a very difficult time finding a way to guide her behavior because right now she's pretty difficult to be around. Week after week after week of acting out really wears on us, despite the fact that we know the reason (she's having an acute allergic reaction to an unknown something which produces headache, bellyache, poor sleep, and general crabbiness & misbehavior). She was recently inpatient for 3 days and had a feeding tube (NG) placed. She has many fears about her NG tube and is adjusting to a life without food (she gets to drink water, that's it). She was also diagnosed with eosinophic esophogitis and has autism spectrum disorder (though she's high functioning). She feels crummy all the time.

What my dh doesn't seem to see is that when you boil it all down we have a sick kid and movies help her cope. Putting other worries into it, like our ineffective discipline techniques, isn't constructive.

We get books on tape from the library, which she enjoys, but I have to do that with her, so that doesn't free me up at all. We read to her for a few hours a day, and have since she was 2 years old. I think we've read most of the children's section at the local library. She used to do a lot of imaginitive play, art, and help with cooking, but all normal play has stopped since she got ill in August. She won't tolerate other children and has no playmates. She needs direction and adult interaction 99% of her waking hours. It's draining.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by JSerene

A great big thank you to everyone who commented. I really needed to hear that it's okay - I'm going to reread this thread next time I need help putting any guilty feelings aside.

Part of my dh's problem is that he feels the child is getting spoiled and letting her watch movies is just one more way we are giving in to her too much. I know that sounds awful, but he is a wonderful father, he just worries about his little girl. We are having a very difficult time finding a way to guide her behavior because right now she's pretty difficult to be around. Week after week after week of acting out really wears on us, despite the fact that we know the reason (she's having an acute allergic reaction to an unknown something which produces headache, bellyache, poor sleep, and general crabbiness & misbehavior). She was recently inpatient for 3 days and had a feeding tube (NG) placed. She has many fears about her NG tube and is adjusting to a life without food (she gets to drink water, that's it). She was also diagnosed with eosinophic esophogitis and has autism spectrum disorder (though she's high functioning). She feels crummy all the time.

What my dh doesn't seem to see is that when you boil it all down we have a sick kid and movies help her cope. Putting other worries into it, like our ineffective discipline techniques, isn't constructive.

We get books on tape from the library, which she enjoys, but I have to do that with her, so that doesn't free me up at all. We read to her for a few hours a day, and have since she was 2 years old. I think we've read most of the children's section at the local library. She used to do a lot of imaginitive play, art, and help with cooking, but all normal play has stopped since she got ill in August. She won't tolerate other children and has no playmates. She needs direction and adult interaction 99% of her waking hours. It's draining.

Based off what you have shared I see no issue with the use of the tv at all. It was my intention to be tv but I have a dd who is very spirited and rarely plays alone, well when she was a toddler or so this was ok. But at almost 4.5 and no naps anymore, we find ourselves using tv just to catch a break.

It's all about balance and a burnt out Mama is no good for anyone. Hugs to you.

Shay

[Dov'sMom]

I grew up largely TV-free (well, we had movies in the house, but no TV and movie time was strictly limited). About a year ago, I broke my ankle and because of a mix-up in the ER, I didn't get to the surgeon in time and no one tried to even set the bones -- htey just wrapped it up to immobilize. By the time I saw a surgeon, the swelling and fracture blisters were so bad they had to wait two weeks to do anything. So for two weeks I was lying around with a badly broken ankle, foot all the way off at the wrong angle, sickening pain and nausea. (I was limiting my pain meds because my baby was still fully nursing.)

Someone lent me a portable DVD player and DVD sets of several TV shows. I'm telling you, in my right mind that stuff bores me to pieces. Even the way I was, it bored me to pieces. But there's something hypnotic about it and there was a 48 hour stretch when it hurt so bad I couldn't sleep or eat or even talk for long (poor bandaging) and I'm telling you, every minute when my kids weren't in the room, that screen was on. It really, really, helps.

Luckily, neither of my boys has ever been in that kind of situation, and I hope they never will be. But having had that experience, if one of my kids were ever in a serious pain situation, one of the first things I'd ask for is a DVD player and some age appropriate films. Why deny her that?

ETA: one of the nice things abotu being TV-free is that it heightens the effect watching a screen has on you. I know when my boys are in a place wiht a TV-screen (or even myself) our eyes are drawn to it much more than most people. We haven't learned how to distract ourselves from wildly flickering images. (Seriously! Have you ever watched the kind of light show a TV puts on from behind closed blinds in a dark room?) So the analgesic effect is, I think, also stronger.