For those families who are TV free... - Page 2

[laohaire]

My child is 4.5 years old, and I can't imagine her having a chronic pain issue That just breaks my heart for your daughter.

We are not TV-free but I'm the parent who would like to limit/eschew it, and DH doesn't feel the same way. When we can agree on a compromise, I feel good about it. When he just does whatever he wants in regard to screen time, I feel very anxious and upset.

So, as one who can sort of empathize with your DH, I'd say it would be important to agree on a compromise of sorts.

I totally agree with everyone else; this seems to be a case where TV can bring a very positive effect. However, putting myself in your DH's shoes, I'd worry that it would just spin out of control, and DD would be watching TV all day every day. And even in your case I would not want that (not that I think you are proposing it!!).

I would feel a lot more comfortable in your DH's shoes if I knew that it wouldn't spin out of control, that there was a certain structure around it. The specifics would be between you and your DH, but something like agreeing that certain days were TV days, and on those days it was limited to 1 movie, or 1 hour, or whatever it might be. Or, if you need it to be more flexible (for days with a lot of pain perhaps?) then agree to, say, 3 movies a week and no more (or whatever). So in that case, the days and times were flexible, but it was still structured.

I would hope that would address your DH's fears on "spoiling" because there are still limits, and it won't spin out of control until suddenly she's spending all day glued in front of the screen.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by JSerene

A great big thank you to everyone who commented. I really needed to hear that it's okay - I'm going to reread this thread next time I need help putting any guilty feelings aside.

Part of my dh's problem is that he feels the child is getting spoiled and letting her watch movies is just one more way we are giving in to her too much. I know that sounds awful, but he is a wonderful father, he just worries about his little girl. We are having a very difficult time finding a way to guide her behavior because right now she's pretty difficult to be around. Week after week after week of acting out really wears on us, despite the fact that we know the reason (she's having an acute allergic reaction to an unknown something which produces headache, bellyache, poor sleep, and general crabbiness & misbehavior). She was recently inpatient for 3 days and had a feeding tube (NG) placed. She has many fears about her NG tube and is adjusting to a life without food (she gets to drink water, that's it). She was also diagnosed with eosinophic esophogitis and has autism spectrum disorder (though she's high functioning). She feels crummy all the time.

What my dh doesn't seem to see is that when you boil it all down we have a sick kid and movies help her cope. Putting other worries into it, like our ineffective discipline techniques, isn't constructive.

We get books on tape from the library, which she enjoys, but I have to do that with her, so that doesn't free me up at all. We read to her for a few hours a day, and have since she was 2 years old. I think we've read most of the children's section at the local library. She used to do a lot of imaginitive play, art, and help with cooking, but all normal play has stopped since she got ill in August. She won't tolerate other children and has no playmates. She needs direction and adult interaction 99% of her waking hours. It's draining.

I think you're experiencing another issue that's pretty common for parents of children at this age. This is the time when you and your husband are noticing and negotiating your differences in parenting styles/theories. And this would happen now, at her present age, whether your daughter was ill or perfectly healthy and pain-free. Your daughter's illness and other issues are simply amplifying your disagreement. You'll continue to to deal with parenting differences for the rest of her time with you. That's OK, it's just something to be aware of.

And your dh is a great dad and husband, no doubt. But I'm all for you protecting your down time. You need it.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by JSerene

My husband thinks this is too much, especially since we never intended to do movies at all till she was older.

He also never intended to have a daughter who suffers from chronic pain. I don't think it's fair to lock anyone into a decision based on a philosophy vs. addressing a current reality.

The fact is, your daughter is suffering and probably can't do much else easily. 45-90 minutes every other day is very little time compared to how much time she is awake. You, as a human being, have limits. I would reassure your DH that when she is better, then you will have more choices as to how to spend your time, but this current method is working for everyone (who it actually affects . . .I take it you are the SAHP in this situation).

[Materfamilias]

I'm trying to calculate how long I've been without tv... Lessee... I was 18 last I had one and I'm 45 now... Ah, never mind. Anyway, I don't like tv at all but I'm with those who say that if it helps a four yo in pain by giving her a break and you a break, why not? I'd be more inclined to show my kid movies though. I'd hate for my kids to see commercials. I mean, I can still sing some of those old ones and I've not seen 'em for 20 years. ~~shudder

[Down2Earth]

Originally Posted by JSerene

It's the screen time. She mostly watches innocent kids stuff: misc. disney movies, Wallace & Grommit, some nature stuff, whatever. All age appropriate, no advertising.

He doesn't have other suggestions...just continue to give, give, give I guess. She takes a lot out of me... I love her to pieces, but she needs as much attention now as she did when she was 8 months old.

I think that until your DH can come up with alternatives to TV to occupy your DD, then what you are doing will have to be okay. And really it doesn't sound so bad for your situation. Though I would also warn against Disney, it seems like it's all advertising!

[rightkindofme]

I am pretty militantly TV free. In your situation I would absolutely be ok with what you are doing. Watching tv stimulates beta waves in the brain which help people veg out/not pay attention to their body. In an average healthy person this isn't such a great thing. For a small child who is experiencing chronic pain? Dude. Let her have any break she can have. Her life will be hard enough without taking away one of the easy things that can help her escape from the pain.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Of course you need a break, but if it also gives HER a break and an escape, why not? That is possibly the best reason for TV I can think of.

YES! If ever there was a defense of tv watching, your situation provides it nicely, op.

Originally Posted by Dov'sMom

Someone lent me a portable DVD player and DVD sets of several TV shows. I'm telling you, in my right mind that stuff bores me to pieces. Even the way I was, it bored me to pieces. But there's something hypnotic about it and there was a 48 hour stretch when it hurt so bad I couldn't sleep or eat or even talk for long (poor bandaging) and I'm telling you, every minute when my kids weren't in the room, that screen was on. It really, really, helps.

I had a similar need and while it also bored me sooooooo much, just the hypnotic effect of the screen and the sounds was helpful distraction from the pain. Then, far from forming a habit, once I could be up and moving around freely again, I wanted nothing to do with the screen at all. It seemed to be habit-forming for my dh, though... We only watch dvds on the computer. We've never had cable or whatever it is that people have for tv watching now.

We have allowed movie watching during illness for our boys, and they don't form a habit either, but none have had long-term illness, so they might watch a movie every day for three days and then that's it. BUT if they did have a chronic illness, or like now while we've just moved and there is just so much to do and they need downtime while everything is in disarray, they watch a movie during the time that they would nap if they ever did that. The 2 yr old couldn't care any less about it though; only the three older ones watch.

Do what you need to do for your family to have the greatest amount of peace and connection possible. I can't think of any lifestyle ideal that would override that for me.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by JSerene

Please give your opinion on our situation.

We have been TV free for many years. My 4 1/2 year old dd has special needs, and she suffers chronic pain. This has caused us as a family to compromise in some areas, which I am okay with. That being said, my husband and I do have a point of disagreement. I started letting dd watch movies about 6 months ago. At first it was 20-30 minutes here and there. Currently it's 45-90 minutes every other day or so. My husband thinks this is too much, especially since we never intended to do movies at all till she was older. She's currenlty having a health crisis and she is totally distracted and content during movie time. I think this short reprieve is justified despite the problem of making this a habit.

In the past we relied more heavily on books. We still read a lot, but there are times I opt for the movie to distract her so I can get some time to myself. Okay, pass judgement. Good, bad, in between? I'm inclined not to worry about it in the middle of everything else happening with her, but it's far from the rare to no viewing I had envisioned for her.

We are tv free here. However, when my daugheter needed surgery at 5.5 months, which meant 8 days in the PICU, we brought a couple of videos. At first I was like, no way am I going to resort to "that". But then I thought, if it keeps her happy, why should I make it harder on myself or her? It did help. I think TV is mostly crap. But it is a technological resource that, if used wisely (as in your case and mine) can be of great benefit. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. Hang in there

[camracrazy]

I'd like to be TV free, but there's my DH to contend with.

Anyway, I do try to limit TV time. My 4 yo does have to do 1 - 1 1/2 hours of treatments everyday, though, and she can't really move around all that much while doing them. And 85% of the time she hates doing them. So if a little TV or a video game will help take her mind off of having to sit still for so long, then it's not a big deal to me. She doesn't do it all of the time, sometimes she would rather color or play a game. I try to encourage that if she's in the mood, but there isn't any reason to make her more miserable than she already is by argueing about TV.

Before my last dd was born, I was in horrible pain for a week from a spinal headache. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life! When dh was at work and the kids were with my mom, all I did was watch TV and crawl to the bathroom once in awhile. There were brief periods in that time that I was able to block/ignore the pain, and it certainly made it more bearable. I would have rather read some good books, but my head hurt too much!

[noobmom]

Everyone else has already reassured you that it's okay about the TV time, so I'll just pipe in with my comment about weaning your DD off the TV when the time comes.

I had really bad morning sickness (borderline HG, really) for a long time with #2 and sadly I resorted to A LOT of TV with my toddler for a couple of months. We're talking hours every day--and I wasn't even that careful about what he watched. We're not TV-free, but under normal circumstances he has no TV during the day and only watches sports or news with DH in the evening. So, DS (3 yo) went from knowing zero cartoon characters to loving SpongeBob.

Anyway, when my morning sickness finally got better enough so that I was function, it was really trivial to wean him off the TV. DS started half-day preschool around the same time. When I picked up him up we'd have lunch and then stay busy in the afternoon. After just a couple of days he stopped asking to watch TV. So, at least in our case, a few months of extensive TV watching didn't turn into any serious bad habits.