Losing friends during school to homeschool transition

[jazzharmony]

This is my 8yo's first year homeschooling. It appears that he has lost his best friend of 2yrs - his mother does not want them to maintain the friendship now that we are homeschooling. She and I were also very close and it's obvious that she doesn't want our relationship to continue either. My daughter was friends with her daughter. Our husbands were friends. Wow.
I'm not sure how to explain this to my kids. My son wants to invite his former best friend to his birthday - what do I do?

[Lillian J]

You might try just sending an invitation as if they were anyone else. It could be that the child would be allowed to go to the birthday celebration even though the mother is wanting to largely pull away. And if the child doesn't come, there will be other things going on and other people providing some distraction for at least the portion of time over the birthday. I can certainly understand why you're hurting - I would be too - but it might be that you'll be able to go on without having to deal with as much explaining right now as you might think.

If it's obvious that your child is hurt, you obviously need to do some explaining about why the mother is overreacting to the situation - whatever you think might be going on in that particular case. Maybe there's an issue in that family where the child wants to homeschool and it's a lot harder for the mother to say no with an example of homeschooling working for a close friend? There may be a lot more to it than meets the eye - I'd just try to steer clear of making any assumptions just now. - Lillian

[jazzharmony]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

Maybe there's an issue in that family where the child wants to homeschool and it's a lot harder for the mother to say no with an example of homeschooling working for a close friend? There may be a lot more to it than meets the eye - I'd just try to steer clear of making any assumptions just now. - Lillian

That appears to be the issue. I ran into her recently at a birthday party and she did say that her younger child (a friend of my daughter's) really wants to homeschool and was very upset at the beginning of the school year because she couldn't homeschool. I had a feeling this would be an issue for that family. I understand, but I wish she would have been upfront about it rather than avoiding plans or pretending that she wanted to maintain the family relationship only to blow off plans. I am fine with it but I want to protect my kids.

It does lead me to wonder whether this will be a recurring issue. We are moving soon and I wonder whether neighbors will want their children to play with ours.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by jazzharmony

It does lead me to wonder whether this will be a recurring issue. We are moving soon and I wonder whether neighbors will want their children to play with ours.

The issue never came up for us during the entire time we were homeschooling, even though my son was considered pretty lucky by some of his non-homeschooling friends, so I think the experience you've just had could easily be the only one or at least one of few. - Lillian

[MamaMonica]

I'm sorry this happened. But I agree with Lillian that it isn't a common problem, so don't worry too much about it happening again.

The only issue we've had with playing with schooled kids is they are sometimes too busy- here they get home from school after 4 pm and have homework.

[jazzharmony]

Thank you. It's comforting to know that it doesn't seem like a common problem.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by jazzharmony

It's comforting to know that it doesn't seem like a common problem.

And the even better news is that other parents might actually be gradually seeking out your child's company more and more as a playmate for theirs - because of the fact that he won't have been as exposed to some of the more mainstream behaviors that tend to creep into institutional environments, so that he can therefore be more positive and relaxed in his social interactions. That's what I've seen more than the scenario you've just encountered. Here's a thread about the innocence factor, and one on the social game factor.

Lillian

[GinaRae]

We pulled our 8yo in October and I never thought this would happen with THIS family in particular, but I've been surprised by one of the moms not responding to calls anymore -- she's been friendly since we moved here almost 4 yrs ago.

[RiverSky]

What a shame. Alas, I have found it can be hard to maintain friendships with non-homeschoolers sometimes, simply because they aren't available for social activities during the day and they are so busy with their own schedules. We tend to stay up late and are perfectly happy to go out late on weeknights or invite friends over until 11pm on Wednesday, but friends with kids in school aren't able to do that at all.

I suggest it might be time for you to try not to let it hurt you, by distracting yourself. Join as many homeschool groups as you can, and become extremely active in them. Once you know a few parents with children in the general age range of your son, invite them over for a small get-together, or even a weekend luncheon (dads included). Do anything you can to try to cultivate extra special friendships for your son but don't exclude his old friends. All you can do is invite them and see what happens.

I wouldn't explain too much of it to my 8 year old, for one, because you don't necessarily actually know the real true reasons for anything that is happening. You can keep it much more vague, by saying things like, "I'm not sure, sweetie, perhaps they are out of town this weekend" or "I don't know, perhaps they are just very busy with school. Unfortunately, they don't have as much time as we do now, do they?"