Would you have someone around during labor that wasn't supportive of HB?

[meesh933]

Even if it was your mom? And even if that was your only childcare option for an older child?

We had been planning a HB from the start, but around 24 weeks decided it was too expensive and transferred to an OB. Well, I called my MW this week (31 wks) and have hopefully worked out an arrangement to see the OB for the rest of my prenatal care and have the MW attend the birth at home.

Anyway...the plan all along has been for my mom to come and be around for my daughter, who will be 33 months old around my due date. All of our family is 900 miles away, and we have only lived out here since July, so we have no one to watch her. My mom was here visiting last week, and said several times how glad she is I'm not going to be giving birth at home with her there. (She also made my daughter cry by mentioning "when Mommy goes to the hospital to have the baby." ) My mom had two c-sections, the first (me) an emergency, and thinks that all birth means someone could die at any second.

So now I'm thinking it may be better not to have her here at all, because she's not the kind of person who can keep her mouth shut, yanno? And I think it will stress me out to have her here, especially knowing she's super uncomfortable. BUT...what if we have to transfer? What if my daughter freaks out and wants nothing to do with the whole birth? (I'm kind of thinking she'll be ok with it, and plan to show her some water birth videos soon to gauge her reaction.)

I mean, is it THAT important to have someone there for my daughter? Important enough to bring someone in the house who's going to stress me out beyond belief?

[MsBlack]

I would definitely not want someone around, not anyone around, who wasn't comfy with homebirth. That can be bad for all concerned--and that is certainly not the support person you would want for your dd. She needs someone around who will be calm and positive!

But I also definitely would not want to labor without knowing that someone was either present, or could be onhand in a matter of 10-15min max, to take care of a toddler. Is there no way to hire a sitter for your dd? If you labor at night and never need to call her, great. But if you labor in the day/evening, then you will really want someone to be available for her. Lots of kids her age do great at birth--but they really do need someone who can care for their needs when you and your dh are too busy birthing.

[LiLStar]

i wouldn't have someone around who wasn't 1000% confident in home birth. Could you hire a doula who's main responsibility would be to care for your dd? If money is an issue, you could look for a student doula who's not yet certified.

[craft_media_hero]

I would not want anyone around who didn't have absolute faith and reassurance in me at that moment. If someone is negative, you will clench up, and that cannot be good for birthing whether you're at a hospital or at home.

I would ask your mom to take your daughter out to do something fun and even offer to pay for a (cheap) hotel room if you end up laboring into the evening. Have her take your lo to a chucky cheese type place or the library or ice skating or whatever.

Also, it might help to only call her to come get your child when you feel like you're "close", so that she's hopefully not dragging your kid around town for like 8 or 9 or more hours, you know? And tell her outright that no criticism of your birth choices is allowed, she can either help support you by taking your dc out for a day/overnight, or she can say no and you will find someone else for childcare.

If it doesn't seem like it would work out with your mom watching her, then I would totally hire a regular babysitter, even if you had to put an ad in the paper and interview people, letting them know the situation and that their only responsibility would be to keep your child busy and content while you labor at home in another room. Like helping the lo bake cookies and other kind of busy work stuff.

Let them know that the chance of you transferring is very slim, but in that case, they would simply spend the night at home with your child while you are at the hospital.

[Belle]

I would not want someone like that at my birth at all. As a matter of fact I went through a similar situation myself.

My MIL was to be the planned support person for Dd1. She was a little nervous but supportive of HB. She had seen her own brother born at home when she was a child. She's also kind of flaky. We told her to plan to keep her October calandar clear. The EDD was Oct 31. My water broke on Oct 18 and she was in Canada with SIL and her family. Dh was POed. So we tentatively asked my super controling, and very nervous mother to be Dd's support. She readily agreed, but drove us nuts. She freaked when I didn't go into labor immediately after my water broke. I left my cell phone to charge and went for a walk in the park to try to get things moving and we found her knocking on our door when we got home. She questioned everything. "Why was I eating? How come they didn't let her eat when she was in labor? How dilated I was? If that contraction was a bad one? Oh, I'm sorry sweetie, that looks terrible. Are you sure you don't need drugs?" This was from a woman who also witnessed my unmedicated hospital birth three years prior.

Anyway sorry to hijack your thread. MIL ended up driving herself down from Canada in a rental car and made it in time for the birth. We "forgot" to call my mom. She didn't seem that disappointed. More relieved that it was over and her grandaughter was birthed safely.

[wbg]

Originally Posted by LiLStar

i wouldn't have someone around who wasn't 1000% confident in home birth. Could you hire a doula who's main responsibility would be to care for your dd? If money is an issue, you could look for a student doula who's not yet certified.

What she said!!
I definitely would not invite any negative energy, even well intentioned energy, into my birthing space!

[isabchi]

Not in a 1000% years.

[etsdtm99]

well, i would say no, but my mom is that way and will be 'around' for my next birth (planned homebirth) .. she is really the only one who can take my kids.. and she can't really take them to her house because its not that baby-proof .. i plan to just keep myself in the bedroom and not talk to her until its over.. she wasn't around for either of my hospital births because she didn't want to see me in pain and not be able to do anything about it, so i'm hoping that means she will just avoid me even if we are in the same house.. is there anyway you can have your mom there and just separate yourself from her? do you think she would be offended if you told her she was not allowed in the room where you were giving birth?

[MidwifeErika]

I would not. I would look for a doula to watch your daughter. Even if finances are an issue, there are many doulas who would love to be at a homebirth to the point where they may do it for a much reduced rate. If that doesn't seem to work, ask your midwife if she can think of any babysitters, maybe a teen daughter of a client of hers or something.

[RedPony]

We were fortunate. I would not have chosen to have someone like that around, but did need somebody for my daughter. My only choice was my MIL so she was on standby for the birth. I had no idea what would happen. Would she take DD1 away? Would they both stick around? As it happened, DD1 slept thru the entire thing. We ended up calling MIL after it was all over but before DD1 woke up, just in case, so she was there for some of the excitement. It worked out really well. Whew!

[ShwarmaQueen]

My mom wasn't invited, in fact we had spoken about it prior- she's the worrying kind and wasn't on board with the HBAC at all- but she came anyway whilst I was in the throws of hard labor and honestly, I could have cared less. I thought it would have bothered me with her being there, but it didn't even phase me!

[Funny Face]

Originally Posted by meesh933

Even if it was your mom? And even if that was your only childcare option for an older child?

Nope. And my mom was supportive but I knew her worrying vibe would throw me off. She picked up dd at the start of labor and we called her to come back when I was pushing. It worked out perfect (except she stood in front of the video camera when ds was coming out! ).

[goinggreengirl]

I would not have anyone there who was not supportive. As far as childcare, do you have any friends/ regular baby sitter who could take her while you are in labor? Or, if you want her there for the birth, a doula might be an option.
I think having someone negative there would be a hindrance to your labor- not what you want when you are supposed to be comfortable and relaxed... the reasons most of us want a home birth right?

[fruitfulmomma]

Agreeing with the pp's. NO WAY!!! Stress in labor will inhibit you and can cause problems for you and the baby.

My mil watches my kids for me at her own home (next door) but I did want my 6 yo at the last birth, so I had a young midwife-in-training come to the birth and help out with her.

[meesh933]

Thanks everyone. I agree with what everyone is saying, that having any negative energy in the house is a bad idea. The big problem is there is literally NO ONE else to watch DD. We live 900 miles from family, and are new to the area. We haven't really met anyone yet, certainly not anyone I'd trust with my daughter. The only person I'd really feel comfortable having in the house during labor is my SIL, but she can't afford to take 2 weeks off work and come out here and wait for me to pop. It's going to be pushing it for my mom to make it, honestly.

Sigh.

I'm going to wait until after the holidays and talk to my mom more about it. If she's going to be weird/uncomfortable, I'm just going to have to tell her I'd rather she not come. Worst case scenario, DH can be DD's support person. Not ideal, but. I'm not sure what else to do.

[LiLStar]

well if it helps, I did prepare to have someone available to watch dd, but then it wasn't even necessary. I could look after her no problem in early labor, then when things started picking up she wasn't really a problem. She played in the tub with me for a little bit, occasionally needing a little extra help to stay off me during a contraction, lol. Then she was put to bed and didn't wake up until after the baby was born. She was 27 months. It will probably be fine just having dh there for her. Maybe pick up a new dvd or two, or a new exciting toy that will occupy her. For my dd at least, she knew that "something was up" and I talked about how tonight would be different (I wouldn't be able to read her stories or nurse her before bed, for one) and accepted the change of routine very well. Your dd might surprise you with how accommodating and cooperative she can be under special circumstances. I expected dd to have her same demands and level of neediness as she does every day, but the atmosphere of labor did make a difference in her behavior

[Vanessa Jean]

I would watch "The Business of Being Born" with your mom. If she still didn't support you than I would tell her that you really only want people around you that fully support your decission or it will stress you out.

[lovebug]

i plan to have my mom when the time comes and she is not the most supportive of a HB. i have made it VERY VERY VERY clear to her that if she has issues to bring them up NOW and NOT when i am in labor! that if she cant be supportive that she will have to leave. we have a strong understanding so i am fine with her there.

if we did not have that understanding she would not be welcome!

[vegasgrl]

I'm not sure what I would do, as childcare wasn't an issue for me, but I will tell you what my mom did at my birth a few weeks ago. She had watched TBOBB, learned so much, was trying so hard to be on board with HB; I thought it would be fine to have her here. But ultimately I had to kick her out completely because despite her best efforts, she's was overwhelmed by her own emotions and was taking me out of laborland because of it. And this is someone who was sort of kind of okay with my HB by the end - not someone who has already said she's not okay with it, you know? My mom spent most of the day sitting on the stairs about 20 feet from the bedroom. I feel awful I had to kick her out, but she was completely freaking ME out, and I was as prepared as I could have been!

On the other hand, if she's only going to be there for childcare primarily, then it might be okay if it's made clear that she's not to be anywhere around you under any circumstances, if that makes sense. Like even if she has a question about your daughter, she needs to ask someone else like your husband or call your sister or whoever else she can without bothering you. I personally don't think I would leave my little one without a caretaker at a HB, and having moved 2000 miles away from my own family, I completely understand the childcare dilemma.

Another thought might be to get to know some of those in your NCB community before the birth. There may be a perfect birth-day child-care provider just waiting to be discovered. I know I ended up with 5 people at my birth, and I think one of them would have watched my older sibling if I was really in need. It would be SO much better, easier on you, to have someone supportive there if at all possible.

Ultimately my mom couldn't get over her own fears even after thinking she had worked through them. It was EXTREMELY difficult for her to see me in pain, but every time she'd unconsciously sigh it would make me feel like I couldn't do what needed to be done for fear of upsetting her. That's NOT what you want in labor, trust me!!!!

Good luck, mama. Tough choices!

[AllisonR]

I think everyone has aleady knocked you over the head, so no need for more. My biggest stress was that my mother would arrive before DD. I knew I did not need the stress, and you do too. You can't change people, or control how they percieve things, even if it is your mother. Make alternate plans. Get a doula, mothers helper or babysitter for your DC. If she isn't used to babysitters, give your DD and the babysitter a few short practice runs, pre-labor. It will be worth whatever money you pay.