DD needs to be putting herself to sleep

[Plummeting]

She's 5 and 1/2, so we're not talking about an infant or young toddler here. I'm due with her first sibling in March and DH is in a graduate program that has him at school 4 nights a week. He won't be home for bedtimes and I just won't be able to spend anywhere from 10 to 50 minutes lying in bed with her waiting for her to fall asleep when I have an infant to care for. Even if baby will agree to nurse that whole time, it's simply not going to be feasible when I will have so many other things to do.

I really don't think it's too much to ask for her to let us read her stories, then tuck her in and leave the room for her to fall asleep. Not at her age. She thinks it's an absolutely awful idea though, and she acts like doing so would be tantamount to neglect. Her response when we talk about it is not good. This is a change that has to be made though, so how might we go about it without her feeling like we're abandoning her or something? (Really, that's what she acts like it is when we talk about it.) I want to have this worked out before the baby gets here, so that it doesn't seem like we're changing everything because the baby's more important or something. In actuality, this is a change that's overdue whether there's a new baby coming or not.

[ticklemegreen]

What if you talk to her about it, set clear expectations and then take her to pick out a special bed time friend, all the while reminding her that it's going to be there to comfort her. Maybe some place like build-a-bear, let her build her friend and then she can cuddle up to the stuffed animal instead of you. I had a cherished stuffed cat growing up, slept with it well into my teens lol and now she resides on top of my dresser.

[K-Mom3]

This is what has helped our family. Of course, it hasn't eliminated the situation but it HAS improved it.

We have a list/chart of bedtime tasks so that nothing is left out. No coming out of bed saying, "I need a drink" or "I need my favorite doll" because we've made sure that it is all taken care of before hand. The last thing on the chart is to stay in bed.

After the whole routine, we leave and promise to come back. If the child is in bed, head on pillow, tucked in blankets when we come back, there is a small reward. My kids like a simple hand pat. I don't know why but they really want to earn that hand pat. You can find something that works for you. If I go in and the child is not in bed, I put them back in bed and leave without saying anything. We are at the point now where I can leave for 20 minutes before coming in for "hand pats" and one of my children is usually asleep by then. At the beginning I came in every 5 minutes.

If your daughter is used to having you lay with her you could consider laying with her for x number of minutes after the routine is done. You could consider a large stuffed animal so that it feels similar to sleeping with another person. You could consider staying with her while she goes to sleep but gradually moving further and further away--first in bed, then in a chair next to the bed, then in a chair closer to the door, etc. Some people do this and if the child gets out of bed they leave the room entirely, coming back to the chair when the child is in bed.

Some people would consider getting a pet...I just met a woman who has a child with ASD and ADHD and he would sleep only a few hours every night until they got a dog--now he sleeps better than most kids his age. It was mostly a sensory need for him. You could consider what sensory needs you are meeting when you lay with your daughter as she goes to sleep.

[RiverSky]

Hmmm.... I think she's very young and if she prefers to have you with her for up to an hour while she falls asleep, 4 nights a week, then have daddy there with her 3 nights a week, I really don't think that's a big deal. Baby will figure out that it is quiet time and will likely be just fine with it. Or you might find that the new baby falls asleep before 5 year old's bedtime and stays soundly in bed, while you give precious one-on-one snuggly bedtime attention to your 5 year old, who will be feeling a little usurped with a baby in the house.

For the record, my 8 1/2 year old still sometimes comes into our bedroom in the middle of the night and still wants me to lay in bed with her for cuddles so she can fall asleep. I know that one day she won't want that anymore, and I will miss it, so I try not to be annoyed when I know I have emails to reply to, a floor to vacuum and mop, laundry to fold, etc.

[Maluhia]

I think it's possible but depends a lot on personality (high vs. low needs). She may seem big vs. a newborn but she's certainly still within the age where having a parent to fall asleep is within the realm of normal.

Could you take her with you to figure out the lovey? Make it a special trip where you two go and pick it out, etc.?

[Fuamami]

My older kids share a room, but I have used audio books or relaxing CDs to help them put themselves to sleep. I have a ton of audio books, but if they're really tired I insist on music. It's easy listening-type, instrumental stuff. Most of it I checked out from the library and copied. I just searched the library for "lullaby" and came up with some George Winston, some nature sounds with flute kind of stuff, etc. I also leave their door open and they have a nightlight, and sometimes I let them look at books.

Or, maybe it would work to have a set time limit. Like, you will lay down with her, but only for 15 minutes?

[Plummeting]

Thanks for the advice, ladies.

Shouldn't start to reply then walk away. lol

I do believe DD is high needs. She always has been. When she was a baby people always commented on how "good" she was, since she didn't cry much, but that was just because I never put her down when she was little. The second I would she'd start crying, so I'm relatively sure that she's pretty high needs. We still co-sleep and I'm not trying to move her out of the bed or anything. She would be horrified at that and I'm not even considering trying to talk her into that. I just wish she would fall asleep without us.

I do think a time limit would be good. Maybe I'll try it. The only problem I can see would be that she would snap out of any dozing to a wide awake state the second I got up, since she usually takes somewhere over 30 minutes to fall asleep.

She has tons of stuffed animals and things she likes to sleep with already and knowing her personality, she'd actually be more comfortable with one of those.

[earthmama369]

DD just turned 5, was a highly attached high-needs baby, etc. So pretty similar to your own dd, I suspect.

She goes through phases where she wants a lot of snuggle time, both during the day and at bedtime. I've noticed that she often won't exit a phase without encouragement, so while she might really need that extra time for a week, if I don't gently encourage her at the end of that week, we could go on in the same pattern for months. I really have to catch those windows of opportunity. When I do, it's pretty easy.

We've had a lot of luck with burning CDs from www.libervox.org of chapter stories, like the Oz series by Frank L. Baum, and giving her a little CD player for her room. She can listen to stories while she falls asleep...she loves that. Putting a dreamcatcher over her bed also helped make her feel more secure.

[Blueone]

I like the ideas of build a bear or finding a special snuggle buddy. You could make a special good night cd with her too. Setting a time limit and making it clear with her and sticking to it every night, even the hard nights is a really good idea too.

I'd suggest a rewards chart too if that is something you'd like to do. Set it up with each day of the week and then every night she sticks to the time limit without a fight she gets a sticker. The first few weeks give a very small award (like a treat or small inexpensive toy) every 2 or 3 days, then slowly lower that to once a week after a couple weeks or so. If she sticks to it all week she gets a bigger small award and then finally she'd go through an entire month and at the end of that month she could get a special trip. I would really encourage not using special time with mommy as a reward because that will give the idea that she has to win your special time. Its VERY important you don't tell her what days she gets the reward because she'll start to only do it for the reward and it will take much longer. Don't start lowering the number of rewards per week until she's able to go several days of getting stickers. Also, hang the chart where she can see it so she can see how she's doing.

It's a long process, but sticking to it is what's important and she is old enough to understand it unlike an infant. PM me if you have questions, I've done this with lots of parents (I was a therapist).

[sarahsmiles]

I just had to respond to the person who suggested that the baby would figure out it's quiet time.

Ummmm. No.

Our DD (3 years old) has a parent (or grandparent) lay with her to sleep every night, and has since about 18 months when we got her her own bed. She's usually out in under 15 minutes, but she needs that time. Since DS was born, it's been VERY difficult to "do bedtime" without another adult to handle DS, who is now 5 months. He inevitably wants to play or squawk during that time, or full-out scream. And fitting 3 of us in DD's twin mattress is impossible. If I try to quietly nurse him, DD, who adores DS, thinks it's play time and wants to cuddle him, too.

Granted, the OP's daughter is older so maybe this would be easier, but I really wish he had been able to develop another routine before the baby was born. So good luck!

[eclipse]

My youngest is only 4, so younger than your dd, but what we have started doing is not laying down with him, but sitting up in a chair. At first the chair was next to his bed, but now it's around the corner in the dressing area of the master bath. I leave the light on in there and I can read to myself. I've been doing this for months (because I like the quiet time to read an adult book) but I'm pretty sure I could have moved out to the hallway a long time ago, and probably even moved to tucking him in and leaving.

With my oldest, a radio helped. Along with checking every 5 minutes, and then stretching it out. He was much younger (3ish) but it had to work out for the same reasons it does for you. DH was away at bed time 5 nights a week, and the baby was old enough that she didn't want to lay down and be quiet enough for ds to sleep, ds would pick on the baby and make her cry, and eventually I would cry. Then with DD, she never cared if I was there when she fell asleep! Crazy how different kids are.

[Plummeting]

Thank you all so much for the advice and hints!

I wish I could count on the baby being ready to lie down and nurse when it's time to put DD to bed, but I can't. I'm sure for the first couple of months it might be fine, but after that I think it's too unpredictable, and the whole scenario I'm trying to avoid is waiting until after the baby's born to make any changes. I want to present it to her as a part of growing up (getting older, becoming a big girl, however you want to phrase it) rather than as something she has to deal with now that I have a baby to worry about.

I know when DD was about 3 months old she went through a phase where she absolutely insisted that we hold her standing up. For hours at a time I couldn't sit down or she'd scream. One of my nieces was the same way. I have no idea if this is common, but I need to be prepared for it, and expecting that baby is going to lie quietly exactly when I need him/her to doesn't fit into that scenario. I think handling it this way will be less traumatic for DD than waiting until after the baby's born, possibly leaving her to feel like it's just one more thing she's losing because of the baby. Or worse, finding it all utterly impossible and just not putting her to bed at all until she falls asleep on the couch or something. Some kids take very well to that sort of routine. DD does not.

[blizzard_babe]

Hmm, there seems to be some distance between where she's currently at and putting herself to sleep. Once the baby is there, do you think she'd be OK with you rocking the baby in a rocking chair, or bouncing the baby on an exercise ball in her room while she fell asleep? It seems like a good compromise to me, and it might help ease the transition.