Trying to Say No to Gossip

[umsami]

So, I've been noticing how much gossip is a part of my life... and a part of media, in general. Websites like TMZ... all of the Entertainment/Celebrity TV shows... and now even mainstream news seems to focus a lot on Gossip. I even consider people like Glen Beck to be Gossipers as the definition I tend to go by is, "gossip is saying something, even if it is true, with the intent to cause personal harm". Of course, saying things that you know to be untrue... or have doubts about their veracity... are even more wrong. (Of course, maybe I'm wrong... maybe they're equally wrong?)

I found this article to be really interesting http://www.jewfaq.org/speech.htm

I know Christianity is against gossip, as is Islam (we call it backbiting). Basically, as best as I can tell, all of the major religions speak against it.... yet it's so pervasive today.

And then, of course, there's my own speech.

I'm not sure where to begin, but I think a good first step would be giving up, as much as possible, Gossip-related media... so no "People" at the dentist office, no TMZ or PerezHilton, no Entertainment Tonight. I'm hoping to make 2010 the year of no gossip.

Anybody else feeling lead in a similar manner?

[Liquesce]

Faraz Rabbani recently posted a video Q&A on this very subject.

[Nazsmum]

You are so right! I don't watch TV so that is not an issue for me. But in my family we do talk about each other. So I should watch myself more.

SO I'm w/ you.

[kgrace]

Thanks for this inspiration. I am hurt by a family member talking about me (heard in the other room and also by others passing on what was said.)

I could go around and tell everyone the negative aspects of this gossiper or practice to not gossip myself. I like that line in your quote about not listening to others gossip either, so that it doesn't have power.
I have a habit of checking People and it's just for stuff about who has had a baby etc...I think I 've hear celebrities ask people not to read everything wirtten about them its not true.
Here's a great idea for 2010!

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by umsami

So, I've been noticing how much gossip is a part of my life... and a part of media, in general. Websites like TMZ... all of the Entertainment/Celebrity TV shows... and now even mainstream news seems to focus a lot on Gossip. I even consider people like Glen Beck to be Gossipers as the definition I tend to go by is, "gossip is saying something, even if it is true, with the intent to cause personal harm". Of course, saying things that you know to be untrue... or have doubts about their veracity... are even more wrong. (Of course, maybe I'm wrong... maybe they're equally wrong?)

I found this article to be really interesting http://www.jewfaq.org/speech.htm

I know Christianity is against gossip, as is Islam (we call it backbiting). Basically, as best as I can tell, all of the major religions speak against it.... yet it's so pervasive today.

And then, of course, there's my own speech.

I'm not sure where to begin, but I think a good first step would be giving up, as much as possible, Gossip-related media... so no "People" at the dentist office, no TMZ or PerezHilton, no Entertainment Tonight. I'm hoping to make 2010 the year of no gossip.

Awesome Umsami!

I think it is so pervasive because many people WANT gossip, backbiting, and to assume the worst of others. I see people lying about others to cover their own sin and people just drink it in like it is a good thing. There are people who will cast aspersions on others without second thought and without reason, really. It is sickening esp. to see in those who claim to love Truth. I really believe it comes down to what people want. Do they want truth or will they settle for lies even in all sorts of fascinating or subtle forms?

Umsami, I think it is so good and so wise of you to want to be free from it. God will give you generous wisdom and will Bless you in this. I will say that others might not be so supportive of your path. Just know that some people really feast off of gossip and lies and they do not like to be derailed.

I do not want to be like that. I am so glad that God has set me free. When I get pulled into it or am tempted in my own anger, it seems that God reminds me of what my heart really wants and it is not gossip, lies, or any of that junk.

I will be praying for you. I will also pray that God protects your good name as you free yourself, in small and big ways, from this trend of the flesh.

[umsami]

Thanks very much Hotmamacita... I need all of the prayers I can get. It amazes me the more I try to get away from it... the more I notice it. It seems like it's such a normal part of everyday American life. (Although I doubt other countries are immune.)

Nazsmum.. I definitely think staying away from TV would help. We don't have cable (other than USA Network... not sure why, but our cable company gives it to us with the local channels)... which probably helps. I can't stop on E! or anyting. I think the Internet is just as bad for me. I may have to get one of the parental control softwares and have my DH block all of the gossip sites for me if I can't do it on my own.

kgrace... I think gossip about us, especially by friends and family members, is the worst! I need to remember that especially when I'm tempted to "pass something on."

Liquesce... thanks so much for that. I hadn't seen it.

[MyLittleWonders]

Thank you for this thread Umsami! I have caught myself the last couple days as I scrolled through the headlines on MSNBC, realizing how many of them are just sensationalized rather than just news. I appreciate you bringing the issue to attention.

[chipper26]

I've been thinking about this lately, too. Not so much about gossip itself as about being too negative about other people and putting them down (behind their backs of course) which I guess is gossip.

The weird thing is that i think we do it to feel better about ourselves, to feel somewhat superior, but I usually wind up feeling icky (for lack of a better word to describe it.)

I'd like to rise above this, even just partly. It's hard because it is ingrained in our culture, in my family, etc.

[RiverSky]

Very good issue to focus on. This would make a great new years' resolution, too.

[enfpintj]

Originally Posted by chipper26

I've been thinking about this lately, too. Not so much about gossip itself as about being too negative about other people and putting them down (behind their backs of course) which I guess is gossip.

The weird thing is that i think we do it to feel better about ourselves, to feel somewhat superior, but I usually wind up feeling icky (for lack of a better word to describe it.)

I'd like to rise above this, even just partly. It's hard because it is ingrained in our culture, in my family, etc.

I agree with this too, and it is something i want to change but always backslide in. So I'm in with y'all. Pray for me.

and I love that it is all religions that are against this and something we all can work on together.

[Attila the Honey]

Count me in.

Celebrity gossip is clear, but I am confused on what else is gossip. Is it talking about anyone when not in their presence? What if a friend and I discuss a mutual friend we are worried about? Is that gossip? When I talk to my dh about someone who did something to make me angry, is that gossip?

The scary thing is when I consider not gossiping I think, "but what will I talk about?"

I know it's important to cut out of my life because of how I feel after indulging in a dose of gossip.

[umsami]

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

Celebrity gossip is clear, but I am confused on what else is gossip. Is it talking about anyone when not in their presence? What if a friend and I discuss a mutual friend we are worried about? Is that gossip? When I talk to my dh about someone who did something to make me angry, is that gossip?

I honestly don't know. In the article from jewfaq.org above,

It is a violation of this mitzvah to say anything about another person, even it is true, even if it is not negative, even if it is not secret, even if it hurts no one, even if the person himself would tell the same thing if asked!

That pretty much means we shouldn't talk about anyone ever... but I don't know if that meets my definition.

It then says,

It is forbidden to even imply or suggest negative things about a person. It is forbidden to say negative things about a person, even in jest. It is likewise considered a "shade of lashon ha-ra" to say positive things about a person in the presence of his enemies, because this will encourage his enemies to say negative things to contradict you!

Pretty high bar!

[Unity9]

This is a great thread!! Thank you !

The worst human quality and the most great sin is backbiting. We should not only stop gossiping and backbiting, but we should stop listening to others who fall into this sin. Ignoring gossiping is a positive action helpful to the community or family, the gossiper and to the persons slandered.

It is obvious that if we listen to those who complain to us about the faults of others we are guilty of complicity in their backbiting. We should therefore, as tactfully as possible, but yet firmly, do our utmost to prevent others from making accusations or complaints against others in our presence.


"Breathe not the sins of others so long as thou art thyself a sinner. Shouldst thou transgress this command, accursed wouldst thou be, and to this I bear witness." Baha'u'llah


Verily I say, the tongue is for mentioning what
is good, defile it not with unseemly talk. God hath forgiven what is
past. Henceforward everyone should utter that which is meet and
seemly, and should refrain from slander, abuse and whatever
causeth sadness in men." Baha'u'llah


I know it is sooo hard to practice it, but we shall overcome this great sin with prayers and practice. We should stop ourselves before it comes out of our mouth!
Let's all practice saying one good thing about a person instead of his/her fault. We should remember that everyone has been created by God and God is perfection and great! Do we want to gossip about God's creation?

[Nazsmum]

I have fallen!!!! I was over someone's house and started watching a gossip show. I didn't even think about it till.....Also my sister-in-law has been making a lot of drama.......So I here to start over for the New Year.

I do have a question???? Like this weekend w/ SIL is it OK to just ask how she is w/new baby????? That is how I started and it just became a mess. And to be "real" That is all I wanted to know.....it just became more.

I'm sorry to my SIL and I did tell her.

[Nickarolaberry]

Oooh, good one Umsami!

Lashon Ha-ra (evil speech/gossip) is a huge no-no. It can cause such unbelievable damage but is so pervasive and difficult to uproot in ourselves, isn't it?!

So there's a movement among some Jewish communities to do something called a 'no-lashon ha-ra cycle'. (actually it's called Machson l'fi but I figured the translation would be easier). What it is, is that a group of (usually) women commit to not speaking gossip/evil speech for ONE HOUR in a twenty four hour period (i.e. you sign up for the hour 12-1am). In this way you sort of train yourself to be mindful of it, and it (hopefully) spill over into other hours (like when you're awake ).

Usually it's done in the 'merit' of something (i.e. when someone is praying for a baby, to get married, to have someone else recover from an illnes, etc.) or someone else. The added commitment of having your refraining from gossip be for the benefit of someone else definitely gives it more weight and makes a person more mindful of it!

If interested, this website is dedicated to the details of refraining from evil speech: www.chofetzchaimusa.org

[Liquesce]

Originally Posted by Nickarolaberry

So there's a movement among some Jewish communities to do something called a 'no-lashon ha-ra cycle'. (actually it's called Machson l'fi but I figured the translation would be easier). What it is, is that a group of (usually) women commit to not speaking gossip/evil speech for ONE HOUR in a twenty four hour period (i.e. you sign up for the hour 12-1am). In this way you sort of train yourself to be mindful of it, and it (hopefully) spill over into other hours (like when you're awake ).

I really like that idea. Or, I like that idea insofar as I'm not personally intentionally signing on for my sleeping hours.

[Nickarolaberry]

Yeah, but then again you might have insomnia and be trolling on the internet or MDC in the wee hours...

What I think happens is that because women in different countries sign up (around the world, many time zones) most hours can be covered while awake. Occasionally I do sign up for the 5 am. hour -- I get up to run then, but usually don't talk to other humans!

[Liquesce]

I can definitely see how choosing usually non-social hours can still be good ... or, at least, I'm the sort of person who sometimes will hear something and be like a kid jumping up and down inside myself waiting for the chance to tell someone else. So it can be good practice for just hearing things and in that wait time having that chance to remind one's self, "oh, no, wait, I shouldn't spread it further."

[Nickarolaberry]

[NiteNicole]

I'm the sort of person who sometimes will hear something and be like a kid jumping up and down inside myself waiting for the chance to tell someone else.

This is so me. I even know why I do it, thank you The Office for some fairly brutal insight via a rerun last night, "Because it is so nice to be the center of attention."

I am really, truly trying very hard to work on it.