or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › DP's Odd behavior, or maybe not???
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

DP's Odd behavior, or maybe not??? - Page 3

post #41 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
i don't think the note-keeping is that weird. i would be honest that i found it in the washer and plugged it in to make sure it wasn't ruined. it is strange, but really not that creepy to me. i'd prefer dh to be into keeping records on our sex life than porn. i mean, at least it's keeping everything within the marriage. however . . .

i would say something like, "i respect your privacy, but i need you to respect mine. i feel like you're being careless by gathering all this very personal information about our sex life and taking that chance that someone else will find it (just like dd found the tape recording!) and i would be really embarrassed by that. if you must do this, please be more careful, and please don't bring it anywhere outside the home."
I think this is put very well. Actually I don't know if I could elaborate on it actually other than to ask him what it is all about, for your comfort level. If you come to him calmly, maybe he will open up about it more than just being defensive.

But totally a red flag if he flips out.
post #42 of 48
Maybe he has some sort of obsessive compulsion to write these things out? (just one possible rational explanation)
post #43 of 48
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone for your responses. Reading all these different viewpoints and comments helped me so much. I felt much more ready to approach him than I would have had I not come here and received all this feedback.
I asked him to explain the log after I apologized for opening the files. He was not upset in the least and said apologizing was not necessary. He said he started keeping notes a few months ago. He said I was moody a lot and it seemed we were arguing often. During an argument I pressed him on a point wanting to know when something or other had happened. He could not answer me so he decided to start keeping track of our arguments or when I treated him poorly. Right after he decided to do this, things went back to normal and our sex life picked up. He said his argument tracking sort of just morphed into jotting down these other activities. He said the code was an efficiency thing. By the end of the conversation we were joking about secret sex pie graphs and powerpoint presentations he might be working on.
So, I think I believe him. It is something I don’t understand. I wouldn’t keep such records, but I guess that is ok that he did. He said he deleted it to protect our privacy and for my peace of mind. I have come across day planners and notebooks and random papers with his version of a diary written on them for over a decade. I was just really thrown for a loop this time because of the specific focus. I feel bad I saw it, but am so glad I am the one who found it and not one of his coworkers!
post #44 of 48
Maybe I am opening myself up for ridicule here, but I keep coded notes on mine and dh's sex life. Not as detailed as I once did, but far more than "normal" people do, I am sure. In my day planner. Which goes EVERYWHERE with me. When I kept a palm, I also kept them there (which means in two separate places, on my person nearly all the time). And that's not including the files on FetilityFriend and my paper versions of my fertility charts (which I also keep), in addition to the "take along" version of my chart and the actual "diary" diary.

As for the note-taking itself, I personally don't think that's weird. It's "his" sex life, and he has the right to record whatever he likes about it on his computer, on his calendar, on a flash drive - whatever. To me, "code" implies that the average person wouldn't be able to understand it (all? some? most?), which to me says that it's for his personal use/reference/to satisfy some internal drive to record information - LOTS of information, about LOTS of things, most likely. Just my perspective here, but sex is private, so I can see the value in keeping it on a flash drive (and thus, 99% of the time "on me") rather than on a computer where someone might stumble across it. If it was in his pants, you can bet that he's LOOKING for it. He may very well be waiting for you to say something about it.

That's my issue, BTW, OCD tendencies that manifest in data hoarding, among other things. It takes a lot of dedication to record every encounter, every position, how long, every location... which also suggests to me either an extremely analytical mind or a compulsion of some sort. Neither are necessarily "wrong" or "bad" - they just ARE.

As for the recording, if I read correctly, then that was some time ago. If this was me, and that issue has been resolved, then I wouldn't like to have assumptions made about the fact that I keep meticulous records of sexual activity turn into suspicions of violations of privacy right off the bat. If you made it known that you don't agree to that type of thing and he hasn't given you any indication that he's done it again, jumping right to that suspicion, while not unreasonable on your part, is not fair, IMO.

What's wrong with just being honest with him? "Hey babe - I found this and plugged it in to make sure it wasn't jacked up and found your lists... Can we talk about it?" Reiterate the previously laid guidelines about recording/video or whatever in the course of the conversation and chat about the things about this that bother you.

If he takes notes for a living, he may be keeping those notes for "fun" - if you're not "one of those people" then that may sound odd, but trust me, note-taking can be fun. Satisfying. Very satisfying... to check boxes or record one more day of info... It may be a control thing for him (projecting here... it is for me) or he may get totally hot by scanning past encounters with you (not projecting here, lol) - and that's NOT WRONG. I have records stretching back nearly 15 years with my dh. Sex with my dh makes me happy. Seeing that much "happiness" in our relationship makes me happy. Not deviantly so, but... secure-happy.

I agree with the pp who suggested that your embarrassment if it was found and decoded be a motivation for being more careful. He may be very upset with himself for "forgetting" to take the flash drive out of his pants before they went through the washer. He may not be interested in talking about it unless you bring it up because of the reaction he's afraid you might have (which a LOT of people share, as evidenced by the "OMG that's totally creepy" sentiments expressed by the majority of posters in this thread). It's embarrassing to have your "private" idiosyncrasies trotted out to be investigated, even by your spouse, especially when it's something that you know is not "normal".

My suggestion is to be honest with him about your feelings. You're entitled to feel how you feel, but recognize that he may be embarrassed (which may manifest as anger) and be respectful of his feelings, too. In any case, I feel that communication is MUCH better than suspicion.

Best of luck.
post #45 of 48
Now I feel silly for a big long post, lol
I'm glad you guys talked.
post #46 of 48
Thread Starter 
Thank you, InstinctiveMom, for your post. It did give me a deeper understanding and help ease any lingering feelings of creepiness or confusion might be a better word at this point. Thank you for sharing, it was very reassuring to hear from someone talking from experience.
post #47 of 48
My dh's first response when i asked him, Mr. Logic, was that yoru dh was in therapy. It sounds like it was his own version of therapy. good for him. Maybe we all need to see how our moods and arguments affect all areas of our lives. I could certainly benefit from this information. I'm so glad you went to to him quickly instead of letting it build in your mind.

Also, I have to point out that his personality type sounds like and i(N)tuitive Thinker (very rare type) on the Myers-Brigg personality typing. Reading the Myers- Brigg books or Keirsey's Please Understand Me II could be of help in understanding your dh and the relationship more. My dh is an INTJ, and efficiency is his mantra. Learning about personality changed our lives. I hate that I always bring this up in posts, but it had such a profound effect on our lives that I can't resist.
post #48 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by kateri83 View Post
Thank you everyone for your responses. Reading all these different viewpoints and comments helped me so much. I felt much more ready to approach him than I would have had I not come here and received all this feedback.
I asked him to explain the log after I apologized for opening the files. He was not upset in the least and said apologizing was not necessary. He said he started keeping notes a few months ago. He said I was moody a lot and it seemed we were arguing often. During an argument I pressed him on a point wanting to know when something or other had happened. He could not answer me so he decided to start keeping track of our arguments or when I treated him poorly.
He is such an engineer!

for a happy resolution
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Personal Growth
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Talk Amongst Ourselves › Personal Growth › DP's Odd behavior, or maybe not???