Need suggestions: toddler hitting/pushing other kids

[Michigan Mama]

My ds1 will be 3 in Feb. He is very social and very energetic. He really likes to be with other children and interact with them. When we are in public, say at the store, or perhaps at the play area at the mall, he will occasionally go up to a child, usually same age or younger, and push or hit them. He doesn't appear to be angry or frustrated. It seems to me, he just wants to play and doesn't understand how. We talk about being gentle, especially with his baby brother, but I just don't think he understand that his attempts to interact can hurt (or scare) other kids.

I tried time-out one day when some friends were over and he was repeatedly hitting, etc, but he just kept doing it anyway. So obviously it wasn't effective. I tried explaining, but that didn't work either. Last time we were at the mall, he pushed a kid (gently, the kid was fine and I apologized), so I told him if he did any pushing or hitting again, we would leave. So he pushed another kid (a baby, actually, maybe 16 mo.) a coulple minutes later. I apologized to the mom and told him we had to leave, but he didn't even react, really, was just like, OK. Not that I wanted him to be upset, but I wanted to see that his behavior wasn't ok.

Any ideas for me? It's kind of embarrasing when my son goes up to other people's kids and hits or pushes them. Makes me not want to go anywhere! Hopefully he'll get past it quickly, but I need some suggestions for the meantime. Please!!!

[sapphire_chan]

You could fight with it, or you could try keeping him away from other kids for a month and see if he's over it.

And for kids he has to be around, like his younger sibling, just plan to be right there and catch him as his hand starts to move. "You want to touch the baby? Okay, let's touch the baby gently together!" "You want to say 'hi' to your friend? Hold up your hand like this....now you guys can do a highfive. Yeah!"

It's a normal phase and one that kids grow out of without punishment at about the same time they stop with punishment. However, things like demonstrating how to touch gently will help you feel like you're doing something and might possibly let you waylay a strike from across the room with a quick "touch gently!!" if you aren't able to be right there.

[PiePie]

Originally Posted by Michigan Mama

It seems to me, he just wants to play and doesn't understand how.

I think this is exactly right. It sounds to me like he just doesn't yet have the social tools to say "Hi, my name is DS1, I am 2, want to play?" Or even, "Want to wrestle?" I would suggest that the remedy is to be around more kids, and to have him learn to watch their cues, which I think can;t be done in a vaccuum. DD's BFF pushed her, hard, the other day, and I went over to him, hugged him, and asked him how it looked like she felt (sad, mad) and what he thought he could do to help (hug her). Now DD was not hurt and was happy to accept the hug so all was well.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by PiePie

I think this is exactly right. It sounds to me like he just doesn't yet have the social tools to say "Hi, my name is DS1, I am 2, want to play?" Or even, "Want to wrestle?" I would suggest that the remedy is to be around more kids, and to have him learn to watch their cues, which I think can;t be done in a vaccuum. DD's BFF pushed her, hard, the other day, and I went over to him, hugged him, and asked him how it looked like she felt (sad, mad) and what he thought he could do to help (hug her). Now DD was not hurt and was happy to accept the hug so all was well.

Hmm... yeah, at age 3 he can definitely start to get some social scripts. I've got a 15 month old, so I'm geared towards non-verbal solutions,

[Michigan Mama]

Originally Posted by PiePie

"Hi, my name is DS1, I am 2, want to play?"

Somehow it never occurred to me to teach him this! Doh! That's a good thought. Help him learn the words he can use. This will work well for peers or older kids, unfortunately not with younger kids. Sometimes I think part of his frustration comes with younger kids because they won't interact with him the way he expects. He does better with older kids.

[sapphire_chan]

If you know the mamas of the younger kids, it could still work. When 3 yos use words to interact with Lina, I'll talk for her. Such as "she's a bit too young to play that game, but she's really enjoying watching you do XYZ" or "she's not very good at saying 'hi' yet. do you see her smile? that means that she wants to say 'hi'."

[P-chan]

Originally Posted by Michigan Mama

...I told him if he did any pushing or hitting again, we would leave. So he pushed another kid (a baby, actually, maybe 16 mo.) a coulple minutes later. I apologized to the mom and told him we had to leave, but he didn't even react, really, was just like, OK. Not that I wanted him to be upset, but I wanted to see that his behavior wasn't ok.

My little guy sounds similar to yours when he was that age. It gets better, although sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back!

The quote about stood out to me. Have you considered that he might want to go home (even if he's generally a social child), and you've just told him how to make that happen (more pushing)? Along the lines of the social cues other posters have posted, you could try teaching him to say, "Mama, I'm ready to go now." Or at the very first push, take him aside and ask, "Are you trying to tell me it's time to go home?" Not in a threatening way, just in an information-gathering way. This technique saved me many an inglorious departure from the park a few years back!

[PiePie]

i think it would work with 12 mos. plus. below 12 mos., physical play might not be as appreciated with children he has just met. so i would steer him toward 1 and 2 year olds.