One little Lutheran with a lot of questions

[knittygritty]

(this is X-posted from the main spirituality forum because I wasn't sure where it belonged)

Hi, all. I hope this is the right place to put this. I have a lot of questions I'm working through right now, and I feel like this is a safe place to share them and get some feedback.

To begin: I am a 21-year-old college Junior, engaged to a guy I love more than anything. We've been together for 4.5 years and are at the beginning of a long engagement (wedding in 2012). So I know I have a long time to work through this, but it can't hurt to get some ideas now.

I am ELCA Lutheran, and have attended the same church since birth. Actually, this is my family's church--my great-great grandfather helped to found it. So naturally I feel very secure in the Lutheran church and my beliefs fall in line with it. I attend a Lutheran church that feels like home in my college town and feel that it is important to attend each Sunday and festival day, rain or shine.

My fiancee is Catholic, but grew up attending a cult-like fundamental Christian church. Eventually his mother was scared into leaving and joined the Roman Catholic church, which I'm sure was attractive to her because of its stability. Isaac was baptized into Catholicism and enrolled in Catholic schools from grades 1-8, had first communion and was confirmed. After starting at his secular high school, though, he fell off the band wagon and stopped attending. Since then he considers himself Catholic in faith but not practicing.

Now that we are approaching marriage, the religion debate has come up. I like the idea of attending services as a family, the way I did growing up. Isaac does not want to become Lutheran, though, and prefers to be married in the Catholic church. At first I went along with this--"Catholicism and Lutheranism are so similar it shouldn't matter"--but now I'm starting to question my decision.

I disagree with a lot in the Catholic church and the way it differs from mine. I am happy to go to a church with female pastors, I don't believe in confession, I don't like the emphasis on pro-life, and I am ecstatic about the ELCA's recent vote to approve gay ministers.

If I am married in a Catholic service, don't I have to promise to raise my children Catholic? Is it fair for my fiancee to dictate our religion when he doesn't practice and I do? Would it be that difficult for me to become Catholic when my ideals are so liberal?

Sorry for the novel. Anybody else been in this position?

[Super Pickle]

Originally Posted by knittygritty

(this is X-posted from the main spirituality forum because I wasn't sure where it belonged)


If I am married in a Catholic service, don't I have to promise to raise my children Catholic? Is it fair for my fiancee to dictate our religion when he doesn't practice and I do? Would it be that difficult for me to become Catholic when my ideals are so liberal?

Sorry for the novel. Anybody else been in this position?

Hi, Knittygritty. I think it is very wise and mature of you to be thinking about this now.

While I don't really know the specifics about being Lutheran or Catholic, I am in a similar postion in that my husband and I are not really on the same page when it comes to religion.

DH and I started dating in high school at age 16. His family went to church every Sunday and that was an important part of his life. I also went regularly, albeit without my parents. At that time, we were pretty much on the same page. When we went to college, though, we started to diverge. Now, he does not really believe but appreciates his Christian heritage and approves of my taking the kids to church, but doesn't want to participate.

Knttygritty, I want you to understand something. It is very, very hard to try to be involved in church when you have to do it alone without your spouse. It is a pain in the neck when you have kids and you are trying to get them ready in the morning and your husband is still in bed. It is acutely painful when you look around the sanctuary and see other couples there together enjoying the music or receiving the message and sharing the experience, but you're alone. It is humiliating when someone you don' t know that well mistakes you for a single mother. It is near impossible to be involved in much outside of Sunday morning because what are you supposed to do with the kids? You don't belong with the singles but you don't belong with the couples either. A lot of people just can't hack it and quit going.

Now, your more liberal views do not necessarily make Catholicism a poor fit for you. You could probably find a Catholic parish where you would be happy. However, if you are really serious about being Lutheran and your DH is kind of lukewarm about being Catholic, I don't think you should convert. I think you need to maybe go to premarital counseling and talk to someone about your concerns.

[The Duchess]

knittygritty I too think you're wise to examine this issue seriously. Although your fiance is non-practicing at present he still identifies as Catholic and it is frequently the case then when children are born or other life-altering event people return to their faith. I have read on some forums of people being devastated to find the compromises they thought they'd made before getting married being abandoned when a spouse becomes fervent about their own alternative beliefs again.

One suggestion I have is to maybe post over at Catholic Answers Forums. There are Lutherans and people of other faiths that post over there, although of course the majority are practicing Catholics. There are a number of Lutheran/Catholic couples who can give you a perspective on what options you might have and what their experience has been.

[anjelika]

You are wise to consider this beforehand!

I was raised Catholic and left at 18. I joined the Lutheran Church (ELCA) at 27 after IDing as Unitarian/Pagan for a number of years. My husband is a Baptist-turned Pagan-turned militant secular Agnostic. It's rough being interfaith, especially when you see couples together. But God put me here for a reason... :-)

To get married in a RC Church, you will need to promise to raise your children in the faith. Liberal and dissenting views will be preached against in church. And then there's that whole One True Church thing. I don't know that you'd be comfortable with that...

Perhaps you could be married in your church and have the priest validate the marriage afterward. Or find a priest who would co-celebrate. Afterward, maybe you can attend each other's services once monthly.

Good luck!