Behaviour going backwards - (vent, but worried)

[seriosa]

(cross posted to childhood years) Tell me its just a phase.
I know my kid is "vivacious". I've always had comments about how lively he is. His teachers have always said things to the effect that "he is so bright and sweet, but he needs to learn to be silent and stay seated in class."

He talks all the time. He interrupts everyone. He is restless and high-energy, I know all this.

But recently he seems to be degenerating into some sort of wild thing with no self control. Some examples from the past few days:

Saturday morning we are in a cafè and a friend of his comes in also with his mom. We exhange a few words, our kids do too, then they leave before us, and my son throws himself at his friend, grabs him roughly around the waist, and starts yelling "You're not leaving, I won't let you leave!" He is shouting and laughing. Its a huge game for him, the other kid also giggles a bit, and tries to pull himself away, his mother is already on the pavement outside and does not appear too amused. I try to tell DS first to lower his voice (the other clients and barista are all watching), and next to let his friend go, but he just keeps laughing loudly, and tugging on his friend. So I physically detach DS arms and hold him and he is trying to tear himself free, still laughing and shouting. He doesn't calm down till his friend is out of sight.

Saturday afternoon same day we are at a christmas party, there is a magic show, a hall with some 40-50 people adults and kids, kids in the front rows and parents at the back. DS is seated in the first row and he starts talking back to the magician, commenting everything, standing up and running to the foot of the stage to see better, asking the guy all sorts of questions while this guy tries to do his stuff. By the end of the show the magician was calling him by name and adressing him directly, and of course he was the first magician's helper to be called onstage. A lot of other people after come to comment to us about our "handful" mostly smilingly, someone said there's no need for an animator with him around.

Yesterday there was family day where DH works, which is a phone company, and the telephone exchange for our city is in that building so we could tour and see it. It would actually have been pretty cool, but DS just kept running off, playing hide and seek in the warren of electronic equipment, trying to coax the other (generally better behaved) kids to play tag with him. He does not answer when I call, does not even appear to hear, I must run after him and restrain him.

Today I took him for a haircut, and its my hairdresser too, so I was asking her about something I want done, and DS was just poking into everything, so I could not say two sentences without having to interject "No don't touch that" "Don't touch the scizzors" "don't kick around the hair on the floor". And he ignores me as usual.

And he has become a runner. Never was, suddenly now something catches him and off he goes. He is almost 7, this should be over I think.

He doesn't do "bad" things. Its all just good fun for him. He is simply wild and out of control. And I am exhausted by keeping him restrained, and often angry mad with him. Today after leaving the hairdresser we got into the car and I screamed at him till my throat hurt and he cringed in the carseat.

So I am really at my wits end. He wasn't so wild in the past. I even had his hearing checked this summer because he gets so oblivious to everything when he is in these moods, I wondered maybe he really doesn't hear. He does, the mechanics of his uditory system are fine.

What really bothers me is that 1) he seems totally unaware of proper social behaviour, and 2) he just blots everything out until physically recalled.

Other than this he is very smart, does well in school (distraction aside), is very affectionate. I just need some reassurance that he is just a high energy kid, and some tips on how to deal with him. Aaaarghhh!!!!

[sapphire_chan]

I don't know if this is any comfort, but I guessed your son was 6 going on 7 just from your first paragraph.

He sounds like both boys I've known at that age. One is still in that stage, the other is now 8 and much more mellow.

Get him into a sport. Check around for a non-competitive program that has the kids doing more moving than sitting. Martial arts are frequently good for that.

Really, what's going on is that he's of an age where he's biologically wired to take a spear out to hunt for the pot, but that isn't what our culture is designed for. Getting him a chance to do intense and focused movement will help make up for that.

If you have friends with teens or you know young adults it'd also be worth seeing if you can arrange for your ds to get wrestling time with people who are strong enough to keep both themselves and ds safe. You could do it somewhat, but us mamas tend to hold back a bit more than kids need and don't necessarily give them enough of a challenge.

[Spirit Dancer]

He sounds like a rambunctious boy. Which is good in its place and time so if you are already not doing so I would give him many opportunities to run and physically burn off energy. Outdoor time, a sport or whatever works for you family. I would try to have this happen everyday- being outside can be good enough.
But I am certain at 7 he can learn to behave better in public and come when you call him. I would impose logical consequences for his public misbehaviour. Talk with him each time before you go out about how you expect him to behave and then calmly tell him what will happen if he does not. You mention he is running away from you, in that case I would say since I cannot trust him not to he will have to hold my hand the entire next time we go out. Then give him 1 chance and if he runs and does not come, he holds your hand the rest of that outing too.
You say he does not "hear" you. It is VERY common for children to tune out their parent if they are having fun doing their own thing and think they can get away with not listening. I would say this is what your son is doing. So come up with some workable strategies to implement if he does this or other behavior that is unacceptable to you. It is hard especially at first to do consistently but in the long run works very well. As I am sure you are aware screaming at him after the fact does nothing good.
My son is also very rambunctious. He has done things like run up to another child and grab them around then neck and laugh. He is slowly getting better though.
Also another thing that works with my son is wrestling with his dad.

[sapphire_chan]

See, that's why I'm thinking something organized. Done right, a sports class will get the body involved in listening. Sort of an active meditation? At least that's how I felt doing sports classes. Always more focused in other aspects of life. And my brother who did the same sorts of activities didn't have the huge listening problem I've been seeing lately with the one boy-child who has gotten tons of running around time (unschooled and his yard's more than an acre).

Honestly, I think running around with no purpose and no one to answer to might be counter-productive. I'd go instead for games where he's got a goal (e.g. touch those three trees) with an element like coming back to mom when she calls in exchange for a bonus treat (e.g stay up 5 minutes later or something). Or better yet, see if he'll play that sort of game just for the challenge of it. Start off by calling him back every time and then go to letting him get through the objective without calling him over on occasion so he's attuned to listening for you as he does stuff even when he doesn't know for sure you'll be calling to him.

And a good rule of thumb for wandering away is that he should stay where he can see you. What would be best to have happen is if you ever can't see him you hold your hand up and he gets back to you or gets in line of sight for a wave within one minute because he's double checking that he can see you regularly. If that's not within your comfort zone, you could make it that he has to stay where he can *hear* you. Which would put him closer to you in a crowded place and naturally lead into the logical consequence of holding hands if he doesn't respond to "come here". (If he could hear you say "come here" he would, assume good intentions, naturally have come to you. Since he didn't do so, he couldn't hear you. Ergo, he needs to hold hands until he's ready to have a better sense of how far he can go and still hear you.)

[seriosa]

He does play soccer, practice twice a week and a game very two weeks. He has learnt to pay attention to his coach because otherwise he sits out the session in the corner. I will try the "preparation" and hand holding techniques.
Wrestling type games he has always enjoyed (he has a friend at achool that he refers to as "my best fighting friend" lol) but his dad does not play these games, and I find myself increasingly declining his inviations to tussle: he is becoming heavy enough and strong enough for it to be difficult. In this season it is not so easy to get physicial activity every day, but summer will come... Thanks for the advice and ideas!

[Ruthla]

I suspect that part of the problem is higher expectations for kids in 1st grade compared to kindergarten. He may use up all his "sitting still ability" in school (when he's still expected to sit still more!) and have none left at home or on days off. If he's not able to get his energy out because it's too cold and snowy to run around outside, it's only going to be harder to sit still and listen the rest of the time.

If the problem is suddenly worse now, at holiday time, take a look at his diet. Has he been getting artificially colored treats recently? My kids can't sit still when they consume that junk!

[mort20]

You know Michael Phelps? I heard, when he was still a child, he also has this kind of energy. They look at it as a “disorder”, but mostly in a positive note. Maybe you can indulge your son into some sports he will surely love. You kid has a brighter future. With that energy, he will surely improve or excel on a craft he had chosen.