Will he remember?

[Moonchild77]

well...


I have not been a good mommy the last few months.
Since ds2 is born, I have had my ups and downs with dh and ds1, who is now almost 4.
ds2 is 1.

We tandemnurse, we cosleep and ds1 is still at home, I am a SAHM, and he will be going to school (kindergarten Jenaplan, no pubilcschool, a bit like Regina/Montessori) when he is 4 in febr.

I have GAD (General anxiety disorder) and dystymia, I do use Zoloft, but have no therapy, since I BF ds2 and my dh works 5 d/week and I cannot seem to find a therapist who works in the weekends.

I have no contact with my family, since I was 19 y , I am now 34.

I do have friends, I have MDC (;-) ) but I have my bad days, when ds2 cries and ds1 screams and I just loose it... ( I hit him today, like 3 times, when he was in the tub, not really hard, but still, on the head, wacking, he KEPT screaming and ds2 was criing and I just lost it)

I do apologize and I even cried and he is such a sweet boy, but he does not speak really well, so I - esp when I am tired (like 1 year now....) - do not always understand him well.... and he acts like a teenager: everything is : Yeeaaahheehh (yes with /in a really big sigh-voice..??) and sighing, I only "miss"the "talk to the hand, casue the face aint listening....."....

My fear: I remember my mom hit me, pinch me, my dad hit my sister, I remember getting hit by the nanny, when my mom was in a psych hospital and my dad was working, I vomited and cried and kept criying for my dad and I so remember everything

Will he? I do not want to be the insane mom. I do not want to be the "yeah, my mom hit me when I was little"mother...

I feel sick atm, sorry, am so tired and sad....

tia

[APToddlerMama]

It sounds like a tough situation. Is there any way you can get some more sleep? Sleep deprivation really can contribute to your anxiety and mood. Could someone babysit for you so you can go to therapy? Can you get some help so you can get a break? Maybe work out? Just some ideas. I know it is challenging.

What are the things you could change to make your life easier? Tandem nursing and co-sleeping with two...is this part of the reason you're lacking sleep? I know this isn't the most popular thing to say on MDC, but perhaps you're trying so hard to do everything perfectly for your children that it is affecting your own well being and ability to be the mom you really want to be. Sometimes you have to think of yourself first to be able to give your children what they need.

One suggestion is the book Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell which talks about how understanding your own childhood more clearly can help you make changes in your own parenting to not repeat the same mistakes your own parents made. It is so easy to slip into your own parents habits in times of stress. Good luck mama...

[Ruthla]

Your kids need a healthy mom more than they need any specific parenting technique. Can you find a sitter to watch the boys while you go to therapy? How about a sitter to watch the older one and take the baby to therapy with you?

I have some memories from age 3 or 4. Not many, but some. So your older DS just might remember this.

Get yourself the help you need.

[elmh23]

As long as it's not a constant thing for the rest of his childhood, he probably will not remember.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself I've had a rough go with this pregnancy and have lost it several times with my ds, who will be 3 in February. My dd is 5 and I really do worry that she will remember some of this, but like I said, if it's not a constant for the rest of their lives, they will probably only remember the good.

Can you get any of your friends to watch the kids while you go to therapy? Since your little guy is over one, he could go without nursing for as long as a therapy appt. takes. Therapy (and Wellbutrin) are the only reason I'm not losing it every day anymore. Please find someone to watch the kids for you!

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Your kids need a healthy mom more than they need any specific parenting technique. Can you find a sitter to watch the boys while you go to therapy? How about a sitter to watch the older one and take the baby to therapy with you?

I have some memories from age 3 or 4. Not many, but some. So your older DS just might remember this.

Get yourself the help you need.

[Moonchild77]

Am nak-ing .....

this book,

Parenting from the Inside Out


is it like Alice Millers books?

Damn, son is awake...

[APToddlerMama]

Sorry, I am not familiar with Alice Miller, but it is a really good book.

[chfriend]

Whether he remembers will vary by kid. My now 9 year old would remember. My now 5 year old would not.

Getting healthy is more important than anything else you can do.

Hitting a child on the head 3 times in the bath is serious. Really. Even if it was "not hard." You are talking about a very dangerous situation.

It seems like a much more important question than whether he will remember is: What do I need to make sure this never ever happens again?

[Violet2]

There's a good thread on Parenting and Rage in the Personal Growth forum that I have found helpful.

Yeah, hitting on the head is kind of getting intense. It's great that you know it's a problem, but now you have to figure out how you are going to change the situation so you don't fall back on the hitting that was used with you.

I don't consciously remember the screaming and smacking, but I find myself 'modeling' it (the screaming at least, I'm not a smacker so far) so even if it's not something they consciously remember, it does seem to have a lasting impact.

However, I am positive that a few isolated instances are not a big deal. It's the overall pattern that is important.

You are modeling what was done to you, now you have to fight to break the cycle which is HARD, I know. But it can be done. I am doing it. It is work and some days I fall down and fail, but I have more days where I get it right.

Hang in there momma.

V

[skueppers]

Yes, it's entirely possible that he will remember. I know I remember some things from when I was that age, especially things connected with really intense emotions.

For what it's worth, when I am tempted to hit my kids, I find it helpful to consider whether I think it would actually help improve the situation. In my world, the answer to that question is always no.

Good luck with it -- I can tell you are struggling!

[Shakti77]

Hugs mama! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Moonchild77)))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))

We are all a product of our childhood. And it is very tough to break the pattern.

I wish you could get somebody to babysit and go to therapy. If tandem nursing is making you tired, maybe you could try to wean the older kid. I'm not against tandem nursing, but just thinking out loud that it might not work for everybody.

I was hit as a kid (much elder to yours though) often and I still remember. I remember other incidents that happened at 3, so your DS might remember.

[Freud]

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.

To try to answer your original question: Will he remember?

There is not correct answer to this. He may or he may not actually remember the specific incidents. However, our experiences as children, even those who cannot "remember," stay with us forever and impact our development and personality in major ways. While it seems like one or two instances of losing your cool and hitting your son will fly under his radar in terms of memory and impact on development, that's not the case. Everything is stored in the brain in some way, whether it be a sensory memory or a "feeling" memory. Feeling memories cannot necessarily be recalled at will, like other types of memories, but they are still there and impact us on a daily basis.

You're on the right track though. You've recognized an issue that you're having and are trying to do something about it. Maybe try to get into therapy. I'm sure there are some therapists who have evening hours or even early morning.

I hope things get better soon!

[Super_mommy]

I think you should start thinking positive.

Whatever happened is past and try & fix things for the future.

[harrietsmama]

First,

This is so hard to do, but you can do it. I am bipolar and had a really hard time getting stable, I did a lot of scary things around my kids and screaming and I know they are going to remember because it took until the last 2 years for me to get to a point I'm satisfied with.

Things you can do for them - get them counseling too. Keep being honest with them about how you are feeling, as soon as you feel mad or overwhelmed or whatever, name it. Turn around and yell at the corner, get a damnit doll you can whack on the counter. This models appropriate ways to get your feelings out.

Things you can do for you - I have been getting Scott Noelle's "The Daily Groove" emails for several months. at first I thought 'yeah that sounds nice' but it has really successfully reframed how I view my kids' behavior and my feelings about it. I feel so much more peaceful and patient. The nicest thing about it is it's really short - a once a day email that is short enough that you barely have to scroll to read it. That right there helps me because it isn't overwhelming. Make yourself a distress tolerance kit. Get a box or basket and throw soothing stuff in it for you - a piece of silky fabric, fuzzy whatever, something that smells nice, some relaxing happy music, a snack to remind you to eat, I have finger labyrinths in mine, and a bag of beads to fiddle with. Recipe cards for how to have a good day with my kids - which I write out when we are having a good time, to remind me what worked.

More