Help

[Collinsky]

I'm so tired - I'm not sleeping well over the past couple weeks and it is realllly taking it's toll on me. It's awful - I have no idea how I'm supposed to function. I'm starting to get cranky and snappy with my children, and during the really low times smacking them (especially my youngest, who is not-quite-two) starts to seem like the only thing to do. It's like I'm turning into the opposite kind of mother from what I've worked really hard to be, the mom my kids inherently deserve.

I'm going on steam, even though I'm managing to get a nap in the afternoons... I'm utterly exhausted and just can't function anymore. But I have to. I kept thinking, well, I'll get some good solid sleep soon, and then I'll be reset and it will be smooth, second-trimester sailing from here on out. But that sleep never happens - pregnancy symptoms and four young kids are combining to see to it that I'm not EVER unconscious for more than 3 hours at a time. If I could get two 3-hour stretches, I think I'd be alright. But I'm not getting that much. I'm napping every afternoon but it's not making up for lost sleep. (It does help me function the rest of the day, though!)

I just don't know what to do. The situation I'm looking at now is that I absolutely have to figure out how to parent tired. Not just a little tired. I've been tired since I had my first, so I'm not meaning the usual, "what do you expect, I've got a houseful of little ones!" kind of tired. I'm seriously at a breaking point, but need to be able to parent reasonably well until I can get some rest. I need someone to tell me how to not parent like I was parented, when I'm this exhausted and just trying to survive the day.

Starting out my day on 3 hours of very broken sleep, bawling at the computer hoping SOMEONE will say something that will make me not hate myself as a mother and help me keep it together while I figure out how to take care of the sleep issue -- not a great start.

(And suggestions to "let the house go" are useless. If my neighbors saw my home right now they'd call CPS, because believe me: it's the first thing I let go, and it wasn't at "maintenance stage" to begin with.)

[EzzysMom]

this sounds very rough, and im sorry to say it sounds like the thing you need is 'help' from actual physical people who can do some childcare/housecare for you. There sadly isnt a magic bullet to make the kids magically behave or the housework go away. You are legitimately exhausted can someone come in as a night nanny? You're right sleep deprivation is awful and it is even more awful being pregnant I'm sure. Please try to find a way to get some help, even if its sending kids to a friends house for a little while to burn off some steam and minimize your load

ETA any social services organization or volunteers that can help? my local moms group does help with food or help with the jewish family and childrens services? local high schoolers needing to do community service?

[Just1More]

Hi! I know the feeling...it's awful. No end in sight, and so tired my eyes burn and I can't see first thing in the morning. And, I feel like I'm going to blow a gasket...I can be SO impatient.

Three things that have helped tremendously:

1.) Unless it is an emergency...do NOT wake up Mama. Period. I usher little people back to their beds in a grumpy hurry if they do. Play in your room until I get up. If you are hungry, get a snack. And no getting out of bed until 7.

2.) Child Labor. We're a team, and the team needs some clean dishes. My littles can clean off the table, and pick up toys as good as I can. I just picked the easy, mundane stuff that they can finish in a reasonable amount of time, and thank them for their efforts. Triple bonus here: a job gets done, they are busy for a time and satisfied with themselves AND happy to entertain themselves for a bit afterwards, AND while they are doing said job, I get a minute to myself. Lovely.

3.) Bedtime begins immediately after supper. Nighttime starts here at 7 and tomorrow doesn't start until 7. If you want to look at books in your bed, fine, but I am off duty and you are supposed to be sleeping. See ya' tomorrow.

Being a total jerk about the above 3 things has made me a cheerful engaged Mama the rest of the time. Without my 3 rules, I get totally exhausted and just plain can't function.

Another thing that has made a big difference for me is to adjust my expectations. It is SO much worse when they won't take a nap and I'm exhausted. I start feeling madder and madder. I don't even try to take a nap anymore. I dedicate that time to my kids. No matter how many errands we had to do or how the morning went, they all get individual time at naptime. The oldest doesn't usually sleep, but we spend quiet time on the couch reading or playing together. I let her play quietly for the rest of quiet time, looking at books, or coloring or something. Looking forward to spending time with them has let me relax in the afternoons.

Oh...and, I confess, sometimes TV is my friend. And we're a NO TV family...most days...

[Collinsky]

Thanks -- yesterday was a breaking point for me. Dh took off work last night (he's 3rd shift, so he works nights and sleeps days) and I went to bed at 4:30PM, and stayed there - only woke up once to pee. He brought the kids to bed at bedtime and fortunately my LO - who's been fighting sleep like no one's business for a long while - was asleep within an hour. (The other three are usually asleep fairly quickly once it's bedtime.) I went back to sleep then and stayed asleep until 4 AM. At that point I had to get up to pee (and I hadn't eaten since 2 the day before, so I was hungry) and I am still tired but OMG what a huge difference. I feel normal tired, instead the wreck I was the day before. I am SO GLAD that he took the night off work. I really did need to be completely *off* for apparently about 12 hours.

I think I'm going to head back to bed for a couple hours!

[mort20]

That is really a situation that most mothers complain about. I just think it is common. Just believe that you will endure it in time. You don't have to exaggerate your tasks being a mother. On daytime, do not always watch over them that much, while they are playing maybe you can snatch some rest.

[Collinsky]

My thing is, that as a homeschooling, part-time working pregnant mama of four small children, I'm going to every now and then be exhausted (although usually NOT as sleep-deprived as I was last week!!), or at least moderately tired a great deal of the time. I'm thinking I can't be the only one who struggles with - when the energy coffers are low - having to deal with the inclination to parent EXACTLY the way *I* was parented. Which means in my head, the only thing that is there is yelling and even hitting my kids to get them to just do what I want in that moment, and irritation, almost to the degree of rage, with totally normal-but-annoying small child behavior. Trying to nap can make this worse, actually.

It's not difficult to be responsive and gentle and creative during most times. I ADORE my children. They NEVER deserve to be hit. I know that absolutely. But when I'm THAT tired???? I might be completely broken, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to keep my cool. I can't just pat myself on the back for not becoming completely abusive. I can't keep apologizing to my kids for being out of line.

I don't know... maybe seriously no one else ever feels the awful urge to hit their kids? OMG I would love that. I'm so jealous of that. I feel so sad that this is even in my brain. But it is, and pretending I'm lovey mama all the time is more harmful than saying "When I get really tired, I have the urge to berate, shame, and hurt my children. Since never getting tired is not an option: what can I do to parent better when tired?" It should NOT BE a struggle to refrain from hitting my sweet, awesome children.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

Which means in my head, the only thing that is there is yelling and even hitting my kids to get them to just do what I want in that moment, and irritation, almost to the degree of rage, with totally normal-but-annoying small child behavior. Trying to nap can make this worse, actually.

This is going to make me sound crazy, but I swear I've accidently discovered something that works almost all the time for me.

One day I felt myself starting to lose it, and just after I took in that deep breath before screaming, I belted out in full, glorious, loud, out-of-tune song " I LOVE being a MOMmy!" (from the Backyardigans egyptian episode song "I love being a princess!").

I think the first round sounded irritated, but singing as loud as you can sort of disperses any intense emotional rage. The boys thought it was hilarious, too, which helped.

I've figured out that I have a very hard time stopping that rage from building once it starts, but I can divert the explosion into something innocuous if I'm quick. It started out almost sarcastic (certainly ironic at the very least), but you can't take yourself seriously or maintain genuine ill-will while enthusiastically singing something goofy.

[Collinsky]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

This is going to make me sound crazy, but I swear I've accidently discovered something that works almost all the time for me.

One day I felt myself starting to lose it, and just after I took in that deep breath before screaming, I belted out in full, glorious, loud, out-of-tune song " I LOVE being a MOMmy!" (from the Backyardigans egyptian episode song "I love being a princess!").

I think the first round sounded irritated, but singing as loud as you can sort of disperses any intense emotional rage. The boys thought it was hilarious, too, which helped.

I've figured out that I have a very hard time stopping that rage from building once it starts, but I can divert the explosion into something innocuous if I'm quick. It started out almost sarcastic (certainly ironic at the very least), but you can't take yourself seriously or maintain genuine ill-will while enthusiastically singing something goofy.

Doesn't sound crazy at all... actually you saying this reminds me that in my last pregnancy, I got into saying "Christmas is RUINED!!" like a spoiled teenager when I was feeling frustrated, as a joke to defuse myself. Since it was in the summer that I started doing it, it was just funny to everyone and really helped to change the energy. During that time I also had to have an affirmation to parent nicely even if my child/ren woke me up at night - I had to set that intention every night before going to sleep, I even made a note and put it beside my bed to remind me of it. Not that I read the note at 3 AM! But it helped solidify that.

Dh is trying the past few days to help me get more sleep - helping more with bedtime and getting the kids on a more regular schedule, making sure I get a nap, etc... and this time around I'm too tired to feel guilty taking that. Which I guess is a good thing! I tend to run myself into the ground before I ask for or accept that kind of help, even from Dh. I REALLY need to work on that.

Today I took a nap and Dh and the kids cleaned the living room (no easy task!) -- it was so nice.

But even if I'm accepting help and being more proactive to make sure I'm not stretching myself too thin, there are going to be times when I'm tired, so I really appreciate anything that's helped others to keep a handle on a hair-trigger temper when tired!!!

And when I saw that there was a reply to my last post, I was just praying that it wasn't someone saying "Hmmm, maybe you shouldn't have had kids in the first place" I'm not feeling too hot about myself as a parent these days. So just having you understand was really uplifting for me.

[eunytuny]

Yay for hubby!!!

Absolutely take advantage of that fantastic husband of yours. I thought it was so worth it to take a day off of work to help you not have a catastrophic melt down.

I would say I also get to the edge of hitting where I have to leave the room or send my ds away to another room, but I dont have near the type of pressure you have. I will say that most of us are just trying our best and hope it will all be fine in the end.

In the meantime, I apologize to my ds for getting too cranky or too grumpy with him. He always hugs me.

[maggiemae]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

My thing is, that as a homeschooling, part-time working pregnant mama of four small children, I'm going to every now and then be exhausted (although usually NOT as sleep-deprived as I was last week!!), or at least moderately tired a great deal of the time. I'm thinking I can't be the only one who struggles with - when the energy coffers are low - having to deal with the inclination to parent EXACTLY the way *I* was parented. Which means in my head, the only thing that is there is yelling and even hitting my kids to get them to just do what I want in that moment, and irritation, almost to the degree of rage, with totally normal-but-annoying small child behavior. Trying to nap can make this worse, actually.

It's not difficult to be responsive and gentle and creative during most times. I ADORE my children. They NEVER deserve to be hit. I know that absolutely. But when I'm THAT tired???? I might be completely broken, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to keep my cool. I can't just pat myself on the back for not becoming completely abusive. I can't keep apologizing to my kids for being out of line.

I don't know... maybe seriously no one else ever feels the awful urge to hit their kids? OMG I would love that. I'm so jealous of that. I feel so sad that this is even in my brain. But it is, and pretending I'm lovey mama all the time is more harmful than saying "When I get really tired, I have the urge to berate, shame, and hurt my children. Since never getting tired is not an option: what can I do to parent better when tired?" It should NOT BE a struggle to refrain from hitting my sweet, awesome children.

I have the urge to smack my kids at least once a week. Most of the time I don't, but I have been known to slap a cheek, but it is usually when I am either exhausted or stressed. Nothing makes you feel lower than to hit one of your children though.

[buckeye_bebe]

How are you doing today?