Dealing with hitting when told "no"

[swd12422]

DS is 2, and into everything! He had a short period where he'd listen really well, but now just doesn't hear me, or can't control his impulses. So when he's getting into something he shouldn't, I tell him "no touch" and try to distract him with something else. That rarely works. Counting has worked in the past and still does with other things, so the counting begins. At 3, I move his hand away from whatever it is. Then he hits me. Then I hold his arms down (gently) and tell him no hitting. That provokes more attempts to hit, and escalates the situation.

During diaper changes, he kicks his legs and when I tell him no kicking, he starts the hitting. It's the same routine every time.

What am I doing wrong/what should I do differently? I've read about holding them til they calm down, but that just seems to make things worse, as he's frustrated by his boundaries as it is. So what to do, other than let him get hurt/break something?

[Straggletag]

I have no quick fixes, I'm still getting the occasional hit from my 3yo (she only just started hitting). After thinking it over a lot, I came to the conclusion that this was really a communications problem. She communicates so well, it's hard to remember how little she understands.

So I now respond thusly: no hand holding unless she's dangerously violent. She's 3, it stings, but it isn't a big deal to be hit by her. Seeing me barely respond to the blow seems to take the steam out of the behavior. I think it over and try to figure out why she hit me, then verbalize that, "are you made I wouldn't let you jump on the couch?" I usually get it the first try, but if I don't we keep working on it. Then we talk about the situation that got her riled, if she were hitting out of anger. I tell her that we don't hit, but if she's angry she can do a, b, or c, and I give her examples of healthier ways to deal with it. Believe it or not, this has stopped most of the hitting right away, mostly the repeat hits from when I try to physically oppose her. I think it has reduced a lot of the hitting and moodiness overall, but I think it is an approach that takes time to phase out hitting entirely. No matter the method you use, they outgrow hitting when they realize it sets them back socially and they've learned other ways to express themselves. This hastens the process by equipping them to express themselves.

[swd12422]

You know, we're also getting more whining again, so you may just be onto something with it being a communication issue. And I think I need more patience!

[Materfamilias]

My 17 month old is doing this. She absolutely insists on touching something I've told her is off limits, and if I remove her from it she hits everything in sight and throws things. In a way it's comical, but it can also be incredibly trying. She is impossible to distract, too.

[Addy's Mom]

I read somewhere that the same intellectual drive that makes them try to walk again and again after falling down is the same drive that makes them hit again and again even if being told to stop. I have no easy quick fixes, either, other than we just consistently told our son hitting was wrong and redirected him. We also taught him words to use in frustrating situations and he's been getting better at using them instead of hitting. He finally outgrew it, but it was close to 2.5 or even a bit later.

I looked at the long-term goal rather than the short-term one: I'd rather he learn hitting is wrong vs. merely immediately stopping the hitting. It's a pain, but it's been worth it.

[skreader]

This is what I used to do. My kids are now 11 and 13. It's not U.P. Instead it's based on what I grew up w/ and from reading things like Dr. Sears "The Discipline Book".

re: not touching stuff
-if it's a store or other place where he or she was not to touch stuff, I would explain before going in and try having them keep their arms behind their backs (I would also do the same). I found this a useful strategy w/ my kids.

Other stuff they shouldn't touch at home - locked it up or put it up high so they couldn't get to it.

re:hitting
I used to say "No hitting. Hitting hurts." in a firm voice and sometimes frown at them when I did it. Sometimes I would do add on the "use your gentle touch" to it.

If they continued, I also would sometimes have them sit on a chair for a minute or so w/ my back to them. Dr. Sears in his "Discipline Book" referred to this as "benching".

re: diaper changes - didn't have much problem w/ it. I always handed them a board book (from the time they could hold something in their hands. about 4 or 5 months?) and sang a song I made up for diaper changing - maybe these distractions kept them from kicking much?

Tantrums - I hated them. At home I would sometimes try the "ignore bad behavior" thing. Get them in a space where they couldn't hurt themselves and read a magazine while they went at it. Other times, when my nerves couldn't take it, I put them in their rooms (child-proofed) until they calmed down.

Sometimes I would try and help them articulate the problem - but that often wasn't a big help.

As my kids got older, especially the boy, they learned that if they wanted to shout and pound something, they could do it in their room. Basic message was "You are entitled to your emotions, but you are not entitled to make the rest of the household miserable because of them."

Hope some of this may help.

[Llyra]

My usual strategy with a child who hits me is to distance myself. The message I want to send is that I won't stick around and allow the child to hurt me. I say, that hurts, I don't like that, ow, that hurts, and then I walk away. How far I go depends on the situation and the age of the child. Like with a baby 14 months, I might move a foot or two away and turn my back but stay nearby. With a two year old, I might go into the next room. Then I get busy doing something else, and pay the child only minimal attention for awhile.

With a child getting into something he shouldn't get into, I'd remove the necessity for removing his hand, and the resulting struggle, by picking him up entirely and moving him bodily to someplace else. Just scoop him up under the arms, facing outwards to avoid being kicked, and set him down again someplace away from the thing I don't want him touching.

Although I do think that removing the object, if possible, is better than removing the child. Like if he's touching something you can put out of reach, do that. Or if you can block it off, by closing a door or putting up a gate, do that. Then you don't have to get into the struggle of the child returning to the object in question again and again.

With diaper changes, though, distraction may be the key. Give him something really interesting to look at while you get the job done, and position yourself to his side rather than down by his feet, so that you're not so kick-able.

[swd12422]

Thanks for all the suggestions so far! I have been trying many of them already, and am FINALLY seeing some improvement (although he still throws things at the dog...).

When he gets the urge to kick or hit, he now says, "no hit" or "no kick" and repeats it. Sometimes he ends up doing it anyway, sometimes he claps his hands or pats me "gently" but at least he KNOWS he shouldn't do it, and I get a warning!

Diaper changes still SUCK. I do stand to the side, and he gets me anyway. I give him a toy to play with (or his pants to hold, whatever he wants) and get whipped in the face with it. So I say "ouch, no hitting" and take it away, and get kicked for my trouble. Wow, he sounds like a brat when I write that! Really, he's not a monster. I know he's two. But I am getting SO TIRED of the same routine. At least it's better off the changing table. One thing at a time, right?

[MichelleAnnette]

Something that works really, really well with my son, 2.5 years, is to give him a choice when I need to stop an undesirable behavior.

Example: He is sitting on my lap at dinner and is putting his hands in my food. I say, "Gabe, do you want to sit here and stop putting your hands in my food OR get down and play by yourself? I don't want your hands in my food." He almost always stops the behavior I want stopped, but if I say, "Stop putting your hands in my food," he often does it again and again. I also make sure to say, "I want you to..." or "I don't want you to..." so he knows that I am asking him to respect my wishes and not just telling him to do or not do something for a reason unknown to him. The choice is about empowering him to be responsible for his own behavior while also letting him know that certain behaviors are unacceptable.

[nina_yyc]

No personal exp with this but I have heard on the toddler forum that resisting diaper changes can be a sign of potty readiness. No miracle solution on the hitting but just wanted to reassure you that DD is getting much better with it at 3yo. At 2yo she really *couldn't* follow instructions that well, but we kept trying and eventually it clicked.

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by Addy's Mom

I read somewhere that the same intellectual drive that makes them try to walk again and again after falling down is the same drive that makes them hit again and again even if being told to stop. I have no easy quick fixes, either, other than we just consistently told our son hitting was wrong and redirected him. We also taught him words to use in frustrating situations and he's been getting better at using them instead of hitting. He finally outgrew it, but it was close to 2.5 or even a bit later.

I looked at the long-term goal rather than the short-term one: I'd rather he learn hitting is wrong vs. merely immediately stopping the hitting. It's a pain, but it's been worth it.

How is he learning it is wrong if he's not made to stop? If he's allowed to do it, then I just don't understand how he is learning it is wrong for him to do.

I don't let my kids hit me or anyone else. If they hit a friend or family members child I would be horrified. I mean, I know it happens, and it has - but it isn't okay to hit, at all, in my opinion. Not all kids hit. Some do, some do not. I have 4 kids, and my youngest (nearly 3) is the only one that has ever hit.

We go away from our children if they hit, and we remove them from us or our area if they are invading our space and hitting (if I'm cooking in the kitching for example, then they need to leave me, not me leave them). I don't know what I would do if my child(ren) hit while diaper-changing - but I did have one squirmer, who squirmed at EVERY diaper change. I tried so many things. THe best thing was to start singing a song as we layed down, and just made him pay complete attention to me. I also figured out he didn't like cold wipes. I did force him to get his diaper changed though (held him firmly so he couldn't get away).

I don't really see that as "ungentle".

I am not trying to be combative, just discussing. Everyone has their own "ways". I don't know what I'd do if my child hit while diaper changing, it's never come up. It's hard to say what I'd do in that situation, but I don't have a problem saying 'no, we don't hit' firmly and making sure they can't hit...separating them from the situation - diaper changing is harder though - because they need it changed!!

[Super_mommy]

Children like to do things that they asked not to. Thats the fun part of growing up.

[Materfamilias]

With my 17 mo it seems that when I say "don't X" she just hears "X" -- so lately I've found it's better to tell her what I want her to do rather than what I don't want her to do. Think I read that here somewhere