Getting Really Sick of Everyone Around Me Having Natural Births

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:53am

[dachshundqueen]

I'm sorry it's been so rough. I couldn't read and not reply; you sound so absolutely frustrated and angry.

Liz

[crunchy_mommy]

*hugs*

I was lucky to avoid c/s but had a lot of other interventions I didn't want, and every time I hear about someone having a 100% natural birth I feel like I'm being stabbed. I am dreading having another birth but I love my DS so much and I desperately want to have another child & a sibling for him.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

[texaspeach]

I feel resentful too. especially when it's people who put in no effort and I did all this research, practice, had a doula, etc, but they're the ones who had a vaginal birth.

[kathleen_mary]

I feel your pain...especially since all of my "mom" friends are people I met in Yoga class. I never in a million years would have thought I'd be the one to have a c-section. Now I run through the events of my labor and keep having regrets. I should have stayed home longer, I shouldn't have let the midwife break my water, I should have given the pitocin another try, etc. etc. What started out as a really natural labor ended up with every intervention in the book, eventually it became clear that the baby was not going to come out. I do feel a little jealous and resentful of people who got to do it the "regular" way, especially since this could have a significant impact on me having more children, or at least the way I do it.

[lotus.blossom]

I hear you. Loud and clear! I feel low everytime I hear of an uncomplicated vaginal birth. Especially from the ones who don't particularly care about the birth process. I wish that I could be one of them. That didn't care how my babies came into the world.

I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that I am just not cut out for the sacred event of natural birth.

[Sk8ermaiden]

: I feel that way too. I did everything you are supposed to do and had a section, while moms who said they didn't care either way had easy vaginal deliveries. It doesn't seem fair at all!

[katmann]

I'm one of the "perfect natural birth" ladies - at least on paper. I had a successful homebirth, no interventions, everything went fine. I am NOT posting this to make you feel bad! I just wanted to say that even a natural birth can be really hard. I had terrible, crippling hemmerhoids for like two weeks, a tear that never healed right, and a UTI 3 wks pp (as a result of bathing every few hours to relieve the rhoids). My point is that no matter the circumstances, not every woman has a perfect birth. These friends of yours might not be letting on to any disappointments they experienced, since there's a lot of pressure to put a happy face on a natural birth even though it may not have turned out the way they wanted.

But having said that, I can tell how frustrated you are, and I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing. I would probably be just as pissed off in your shoes.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/4/11 at 8:58am

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

I feel low everytime I hear of an uncomplicated vaginal birth. Especially from the ones who don't particularly care about the birth process.

THIS is the part that gets me.

For my natural minded mama friends who get their natural births, I'm THRILLED. Seriously. But I am irritated beyong belief when women who don't care whether they are in the hospital, or whether tehy get an epidural, or whether they have a section, and they wind up with the 4-hour labor and 2 pushes, and they don't even know how fortunate/blessed they are, or care that it went naturally (or even if they had an epidural and pushed a few times, or whatever). THOSE are the births that make me bitter - not necessarily towards the woman, but just in general.

OP, I'm so sorry,.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by katmann

I'm one of the "perfect natural birth" ladies - at least on paper. I had a successful homebirth, no interventions, everything went fine. I am NOT posting this to make you feel bad! I just wanted to say that even a natural birth can be really hard. I had terrible, crippling hemmerhoids for like two weeks, a tear that never healed right, and a UTI 3 wks pp (as a result of bathing every few hours to relieve the rhoids). My point is that no matter the circumstances, not every woman has a perfect birth. These friends of yours might not be letting on to any disappointments they experienced, since there's a lot of pressure to put a happy face on a natural birth even though it may not have turned out the way they wanted.

But having said that, I can tell how frustrated you are, and I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing. I would probably be just as pissed off in your shoes.

I do sympathize. I really feel for you. I think you can have a traumatic or upsetting/hard to heal from birth no matter how that birth ended, but it's a bit different with a cesarean. I will have to fight tooth and nail to have a vaginal birth next time. My only real option is home, even though I would be more comfortable in a hospital. I have adhesions. I have a scar which puts me and my baby at risk through every future pregnancy. I have a higher chance of placental issues, and a higher risk of secondary infertility. It isn't the outcome of the birth that is the worst - it is its implications for my entire childbearing future - especially in this country.

While I understand your feelings, and think your experience sounds awful, I would also switch places with you in a heartbeat. I worry every day that I'll conceive again too early and won't be allowed to VBAC, thus signing myself up for another crippling surgery. Lifting that weight alone would be worth it. Unlike the OP (that sounds terrible!!! ), I had zero complications, but I am still in daily pain 5 months later, and was still in excruciating pain for three months postpartum.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden

While I understand your feelings, and think your experience sounds awful, I would also switch places with you in a heartbeat. I worry every day that I'll conceive again too early and won't be allowed to VBAC, thus signing myself up for another crippling surgery. Lifting that weight alone would be worth it. Unlike the OP (that sounds terrible!!! ), I had zero complications, but I am still in daily pain 5 months later, and was still in excruciating pain for three months postpartum.

I think the pp was just trying to say that vaginal, c/s, etc., affects each person differently. I had a very traumatic birth with a lot of interventions but I was able to avoid a c/s, just barely... I was in severe pain for months and even to this day (DS is 10.5 mos), I still experience pain. Sitting is hard for me. I tore a ton and blood was spattered all over the room. Couldn't DTD for months and our sex life is still very difficult physically for me. And that's not even why my birth was traumatic for me! But I have friends that had c/s's and were back closer to "normal" in about 2 months. I often think I would have healed physically way more quickly with a c/s -- but I'm still glad I avoided it and my heart breaks for those of you that wanted a vaginal birth and couldn't and may never be able to!! But at the same time, I don't think having one type of birth or the other automatically makes someone's birth "better" or "worse" (physically or mentally/emotionally), it's way more individual than that!

[scottishmommy]

traumatic vaginal births are nothing to sniff at. i had a very short labor and delivery. my daughter shot out and took everything with her. there was blood everywhere. it took the doctor an hour to stitch me up. the healing would have been easier if i hadn't had bronchitis. everytime i coughed i reopened my stitches. i couldn't sit comfortably for months. then my bladder , uterus and bowels fell into my vagina. when your pelvic floor is damaged, it's very hard to recover from. it's also next to impossible to find emotional support for difficult vaginal births. i just feel really uncomfortable discussing my damaged vagina and anus with people. to everyone else, my birth seemed perfect, and i was too ashamed to tell people the truth. i felt like a complete freak. it was a very low point in my life. i cannot begin to describe the isolation i felt. i had no idea that what happened to me was even possible. i was so scared and ashamed, and i couldn't talk to anyone about it. c-section mamas would openly talk abou their c-sections at dinner parties. i wanted to scream "my poop muscles don't work anymore! i can't poop because my nether regions ripped in two!"
then slowly i started to "get over it". i learned to embrace my new body. i've come to terms with the fact that childbirth changes ALL OF US. i also had to teach myself not to relive the pain and feelings of loss i experienced. when i stopped running those thoughts through my head over and over again, my symptoms started to lose their intensity. i feel so much better, because i've learned to let go. i am no longer afraid to have another baby. i know that no matter what happens, i am strong enough to overcome it and enjoy my life. i'm not going to let my birth injuries run my life, or take away my joy as a mother.

[mrscompgeek]

*Hugs* While I didnt have a c-section, my perfect homebirth I had planned was tore apart at the seams. I DID have my daughter at home but started severe bleeding and my bottom swelled up so that it felt like a basketball down there. The midwife couldnt find any tears so off to the ER we had to go. I was crushed. Emotionally I was hurt so much that the pain didnt even hurt at the moment. The reason I wanted a homebirth was to stay home and enjoy my new baby but 10 minutes after she was born I was headed to the hospital, barely able to stand up, passing out twice on the way to the car. I had horrible vaginal tears, took 50 minutes to stitch me which I had to be put to sleep and given a spinal block, another reason I was heartbroken, I went all the way through labor/birth unmedicated but then had a spinal. The On call Dr was very rude, stuck his whole fist up my vag trying to find the tear causing me to almost jump off the table and then he yelled at me cause I wouldnt lay still. I was put to sleep and given the spinal to be stitched and the first 10 hours of my daughters life I was stuck on a hospital bed, not able to feel anything below my belly, so weak and sore. I missed the first day of her life. Then the first week of her life I was so swollen down there I could hardly get off the couch. NOT the ideal birth I pictured.
Now 8 weeks later I still hurt down there. Now I know this isnt physically as bad as what you have been through but Emotionally its been H-ll for me. I felt crushed and soooo disappointed. I have since then struggled with constipation, sore back at the site of my spinal block and a very tender vag yet. Vaginal births arent all great and glam. NOT saying they arent better than a C-section, just saying that they can be very hard physcially and emotionally too.

[scottishmommy]

hugs mama. the exact same thing happened to my mother. she had general anesthesia to repair a massive tear after a natural chilbirth. her stitches came apart after she got home from the hospital. she said the blood filled her toilet. it was awful, especially since my brother wouldn't take a bottle at home. she was in the hospital for quite a while without her baby.
obviously c-sections are traumatic on many levels. but vaginal birth can be very traumatic as well. and the mere fact that the trauma is in the vagina precludes any open discussion of it. it's easy to "hate on" women who've had a seemingly uncomplicated birth, but you never know what really happened.

[MsBlack]

Goestoshow--

Have you considered looking into NON medical healing arts? It sounds as if Western Medicine has not much helped to fix what seems to be damaged.

I hear your intense pain, resonating all through your body and being....and while I can't truly imagine it, I can hear that it is bad, very bad, and has been going on for way too long. You need something to change--you need healing!

There are many modes out there--homeopathy, naturapathy, traditional oriental medicine (chinese herbs plus accupuncture), accupuncture alone, various branches of chiropractic, energy healing, oh, so much is available these days. Look around--I can't help but think that your healing might be able to proceed more fully on all levels, with the right help. Western medicine has it's limitations, and in some things those limitations are so very severe. From all you say, what they have to offer is not helping. Maybe it is time to seek help elsewhere.

I don't know you, but I do know the very great capacities for healing in body, mind and spirit that we have by birth. I believe you can heal....just that you need to find the right help for healing.

love and blessings, light and healing to you--

[lotus.blossom]

MsBlack is right. I got so caught up in empathy that I didn't think of offering any advice...... I am a massage therapist with intro's to some other healing modalities and I have seen some great things done with myofascial release, craniosacral therapy, polarity therapy, and reiki. I have had some personal experience with cranio really helping me with some major digestive issues. And also in myofascial release class I have seen a major scar release happen. Not only did it physically release, the girl had an emotional release as well. Totally awesome. It might be well worth it for you to pursue some of these types of therapies.

[PaisleyStar]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

THIS is the part that gets me.

For my natural minded mama friends who get their natural births, I'm THRILLED. Seriously. But I am irritated beyong belief when women who don't care whether they are in the hospital, or whether tehy get an epidural, or whether they have a section, and they wind up with the 4-hour labor and 2 pushes, and they don't even know how fortunate/blessed they are, or care that it went naturally (or even if they had an epidural and pushed a few times, or whatever). THOSE are the births that make me bitter - not necessarily towards the woman, but just in general.

OP, I'm so sorry,.

Yes, I think this is key. It seems reasonable to me (I've had one of each: a C section followed by complications which left me damaged & angry, and a vaginal home birth which what exactly what I needed & am profusely thankful for.) that women who value vaginal/natural birth should be the ones who get it, and the ones who couldn't care less about the process shouldn't get easy vaginal births. That sounds so mean, but I totally remember feeling that way after my c section. I was never happy for ppl (even friends) who had quick, easy labor/births if they didn't really care. Which of course I wasn't. I was totally damaged and heartbroken as to why *I* han't had an ok birth, when I cared so much!

The caring so much, was a double edged sword. It made it impossible to make peace with the c section and 'get over it', but it also propelled me to take massive leaps of faith to put myself in the best situation for a vaginal birth the second time. I remember being stunned and furious in second pregnancy with people who remarked they were so happy with me that I didn't have to go through labor again because the drs would be happy to schedule me a c section without any questions now "yay". (*scowl*)

After a C section, I was unble to take vaginal birth for granted at all; while my second birth was far from *perfect*, I don't even dream of complaining about the small imperfections when I tell my birth story because I feel so blessed to have had a vaginal birth at all.


OP, have you looked into the Silent Knife books at all? I read them during my second pregnancy and they made me so angry, but it was also helpful that a lot of my feelings about the c section and myself afterwards were justified and validated. That was important, to me.

If you ever decide to birth another child, I say this in all seriousness, do whatever it takes however you have to to get the birth you want. If you cannot make peace with a default c section, and you don't have physical barriers to birthing vaginally, find a MW who will trust your body and knows how to (non) manage a normal birth. If you can't find anyone local to you, move, outsource someone from another state, hook up with The Farm in TN.
People who don't understand don't get this. "it's just a birth". It's not. For women who care, it is a defining event in the life of a mother, a woman. I understand, and I am very sad for you that you had such a terrible experience.

[katmann]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

Sorry. I can't sympathesize. At the very least, no one is going to be signing you up for a c-section at your first prenatal appointment for your next child whereas that is a fight I will have to have.

The year since my son's birth has been one of daily abdominal pain that is at times crippling, myofascial pain of the pelvic floor, countless doctors appointments to figure out what is going on, antibiotics for a suspected uterine infection, weakened muscles that no matter how many sit ups I do a day are just not getting stronger, an inability to breastfeed, post-partum depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, physical therapy, mental health therapy, longterm chiropractic care, percoset, lidocaine patches, and talk of another surgery to "see what is going on." I have spent over $1000 in co-pays alone! And it's all c-section related.

I would switch places with you in a heartbeat. Crippling hemorrhoids for two weeks, one 3 week UTI, and a vaginal tear of any kind sounds like heaven compared to what I've been through.

You're right - my experience was nothing like yours. Not even close. I'm really sorry for what you and the other mamas have gone through. I was just trying to say that there's a really rosy glow around the idea of natural birth, and it's not necessarily that way. But your end of the spectrum is so, so, so much different. I sincerely hope that things get better for you, and soon.

[rlmueller]

How about sick of people with trauma free births

and take them for granted.