Getting Really Sick of Everyone Around Me Having Natural Births - Page 2

[JayJay]

You can't give up. Just don't give up - don't do it. Don't let yourself be sucked into blackness mama, you don't have to go there.

I know this because I am where you are and I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Lost my first - she died of a placental abruption, the equivalent of what would have been *yesterday* in terms of gestational age. I was catheterized, stabbed full of needles, gien an internal exam, stripped and ultrasounded all at the same time - then finally had a mask shoved over my face, went into general anesthesia, they had her out within 8 minutes and tried reviving her for a half hour, but she died anyway.

Not saying any of this to make you feel better, just to let you know that I understand the pain. Since then, sex has been completely different: totally uncomfortable - painful even. I have a big, raised scar, I hated myself for quite a while and had a few other complications as well. If you want the whole story, I do keep a blog, and the link is in my profile.

That was October 2008, so I am going for a VBAC with only 15 months in between births, in a hospital that doesn't "do" them unless you come in during daylight hours...

BUT I'm going to damn well give it a shot anyway. I KNOW you can do this as well - you can. Just can't let the situation drag you into the dust - you can't let that happen. I damn well want my natural, lovely birth this time - yes I do! I'm gonna do everything I can to get it, too! I want my sex life back! I want my body back! I want my dignity back, and my control, and my life! And I'm going for it. Screw them all, I am going for it 15 months later and I reckon I can do it.

So I think you can do it too, and I wanted to chime in to give you support, and an infusion of hope here. There's hope - there is always hope, mama. Don't you dare give up!

*HUGE hugs* XxXxX

[JBH]

It is frustrating when things don't go as you had wanted, but why hate on others who were fortunate enough to have uncomplicated births?
Maybe you are just feeling bitter right now but hate is a pretty strong word. Why does it matter what type of births others have had? Yours happened the way it did and you can't go back and change it. Everyone has there own personal experience.
Try to think of the good things that came out of the birth, is your baby healthy? Thats the most important. Now you can focus on being an amazing mom. The birthing (although at times life changing and traumatic) is almost the easier and shortest part considering the postpartum period and beyond.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:55am

[mandib50]

Originally Posted by JBH

It is frustrating when things don't go as you had wanted, but why hate on others who were fortunate enough to have uncomplicated births?
Maybe you are just feeling bitter right now but hate is a pretty strong word. Why does it matter what type of births others have had? Yours happened the way it did and you can't go back and change it. Everyone has there own personal experience.
Try to think of the good things that came out of the birth, is your baby healthy? Thats the most important. Now you can focus on being an amazing mom. The birthing (although at times life changing and traumatic) is almost the easier and shortest part considering the postpartum period and beyond.

women who have experienced a traumatic birth, regardless of what took place, recognize that they are unable to go back and change things. they are also very grateful that their baby is healthy. healing is not as easy as saying hey i had a healthy baby, and then moving on with life.


yes, birthing is the shortest part of the "mothering" period, however, recovering from birth trauma requires grieving and time to process the event, and often can last for years. anger and hate *are* a normal part of the grieving process. giving voice to these feelings is a very helpful part in moving forward.

OP, please be gentle on yourself have you checked out any of the resources listed at the top of the forum?

[moaningminny]

Originally Posted by JBH

Try to think of the good things that came out of the birth, is your baby healthy? Thats the most important.

I'm sorry, but speaking as a woman who has been traumatised by a cesarean birth I have to say this is one of the comments from people that bothers me the most. It seems very dismissive of the woman's grief.

OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this. I can empathize. I've had my own struggles, but right now I'm in an ok place.

*hugs*

[scottishmommy]

i don't think anyone is trying to be dismissive of the op's pain. i have friends and family members who have been through horrible, horrible c-sections. i would never, ever tell a woman whose had a c-section that she should be grateful that her child is healthy. i understand that you can mourn your birth, but love your child. i think it's just the malicious quality of the original post that is making people defensive. i understand that hearing about uncomplicated vaginal births after you've had a terrible c-section is like pouring salt in wounds. it's just that, generally speaking, people don't like being hated for having healthy babies, and healthy births. it's also very dismissive to tell women that one would rather experience a serious vaginal tear than a c-section. fecal incontinence is a pretty big deal. OP i am truly sorry for how hard this has been for you. I am also very sorry that your baby isn't thriving. i hope you can find some peace.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.

I want to just very gently say, and with huge hugs to you and with great compassion, that I think you come across as very angry and harsh. Have you looked into being treated for depression? I am not at all judging you, and I am definitely not a doctor, but I have taken several psychology courses over the years and read even more, and it seems that the anger you are expressing goes really deep.

My son was 8 pounds 10 ounces when born, but then plummeted to about 3% on the growth charts so quickly that the doctor practically insisted he have formula. We didn't though, because deep down I knew that he was healthy and I was determined to make breastfeeding work. Which it did, if you consider that my milk supply was bad enough that I would literally sit and nurse him 20 hours a day for nearly the first year. I am not exaggerating. All I did for months on end was sit and nurse, with a snack next to me. I didn't move, I didn't do anything. It was miserable. Believe me, it was a struggle and at any moment I could have reasonably said, and honestly probably should have said, that's enough, we're switching to formula. He never did make it back to a reasonable place on the charts, not for a long time. He's "normal" now, at five years and about 50 pounds, so that's good. I'm telling you this so that you can know that in the same way you're not alone in feeling cheated by your Cesarean birth, you are also not alone in having issues with your baby after the birth. There are thousands of women on this site and hundreds of shared experiences. You are not alone! We are here for you. We care about you. Please, do yourself a favor and see if there is a problem like post-partum depression you need to be treated for.

I will not come back to this thread, as I've already said everything useful that I can, and I do not like controversy. I hope that you do find peace within yourself.

[Dana_305]

Originally Posted by JBH

Try to think of the good things that came out of the birth, is your baby healthy? Thats the most important. Now you can focus on being an amazing mom. The birthing (although at times life changing and traumatic) is almost the easier and shortest part considering the postpartum period and beyond.

I have to agree with a PP that the "healthy baby" comments are some of the most destructive, and least helpful, comments when it comes to dealing with birth trauma. OF COURSE the baby's health is important, don't make us feel more guilt by implying that we don't care about the baby's health, but we had certain expectations, wants, needs surrounding the birth that we are, and should be allowed to mourn without being made to feel that we are ungrateful for our healthy or not-so healthy but living, babies. Our journey into motherhood, via the birth, has to account for something. I am 9 months out from my traumatic, unplanned, unwanted, but urgently necessary c-section. I still mourn what I lost with my son's birth. I am still in pain daily from the operation, in fact I was just on the phone with my MW this morning asking her for help because I spent most of the night doubled over in pain and in tears from severe pain at the incision site and I can't get my primary doctor to believe it is anything more than "constipation" (her words, certainly not mine).

I know that vaginal births can be traumatic, can cause permanent terrible changes, but I also agree with OP that c-sections are on another level onto themselves. A traumatic vaginal, while still traumatic in and of itself, will only rarely impede a future repeat vaginal birth or a pregnancy; however, a prior c-section will always be a complication to a future pregnancy and birth, whether you go on to have one or a half dozen babies vaginallly, you are forever classified as ___BAC (CBAC, HBAC, VBAC).

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by Dana_305

I have to agree with a PP that the "healthy baby" comments are some of the most destructive, and least helpful, comments when it comes to dealing with birth trauma. OF COURSE the baby's health is important, don't make us feel more guilt by implying that we don't care about the baby's health, but we had certain expectations, wants, needs surrounding the birth that we are, and should be allowed to mourn without being made to feel that we are ungrateful for our healthy or not-so healthy but living, babies. Our journey into motherhood, via the birth, has to account for something. I am 9 months out from my traumatic, unplanned, unwanted, but urgently necessary c-section. I still mourn what I lost with my son's birth. I am still in pain daily from the operation, in fact I was just on the phone with my MW this morning asking her for help because I spent most of the night doubled over in pain and in tears from severe pain at the incision site and I can't get my primary doctor to believe it is anything more than "constipation" (her words, certainly not mine).

I know that vaginal births can be traumatic, can cause permanent terrible changes, but I also agree with OP that c-sections are on another level onto themselves. A traumatic vaginal, while still traumatic in and of itself, will only rarely impede a future repeat vaginal birth or a pregnancy; however, a prior c-section will always be a complication to a future pregnancy and birth, whether you go on to have one or a half dozen babies vaginallly, you are forever classified as ___BAC (CBAC, HBAC, VBAC).

i'm not trying to be dramatic, but can you go to the er and get your pain checked out? i think severe pain on an incision sight should get urgent medical attention. i know that the section was months ago, but that sounds really, really suspicious to me. i would be worried about a bowel obstruction.

[Dana_305]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

i'm not trying to be dramatic, but can you go to the er and get your pain checked out? i think severe pain on an incision sight should get urgent medical attention. i know that the section was months ago, but that sounds really, really suspicious to me. i would be worried about a bowel obstruction.

I thought about it ever so briefly last night, going to the ER that is. But then I played out what would happen in my head -- I would wait for hours upon hours in the waiting room, wait some more in a little curtained area, someone would come and take some blood, someone in a white coat would come and poke at my incision and give me some B.S. explanation and tell me to follow up with my PCP (who's an idiot if you couldn't tell from my prior post).

A appreciate your concern and it's probably a good suggestion, I just couldn't stand the thought of that anxiety-fest while in such pain. I haven't set foot anywhere near a hospital since my son was released from the NICU and I intend to keep it that way for, forever(?).

I'm not worried about a bowel obstruction because things are still moving down there, but if that changes, yeah I'll get it checked out. Dr. Google says maybe adhesions or, in rare circumstances, endometriosis (sp?), and nothing can be done for either of those except more surgery. My MW said it could be that my incision did come open some and is re-healing (not sure that is the case since I didn't actually see it opened at all) or a hernia. The severe pain like last night is not an every day occurrence, thankfully.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.

I am preg with a planned HBAC in Sept, and I TOTALLY understand where you are coming form. I hated EVERYTHING and EVERYONE after my CS. Especially the ones who chose to be induced because they were "uncomfortable" with ALL 3 BABIES AND HAD VAGINAL BIRTHS!!! I was pissed, and no one understood. We couldn't breastfeed either, so on top of not being able to birth my baby, I couldn't feed my baby. Then the allergies DID start. No milk, so we switched to soy, besides all the crap in soy, he developed an allergy to that. The hypoallergenic formula was WAY too expensive, and we didn't qualify for WIC. It wasn't till about 8 mo PP that things settled down, he has been on Hempmilk since with Coconut milk. After talking with a Ped. Nutrtitionist, things got better too. I was though, on anxiety meds for 6 mo, and marriage counseling for 5 mo, and had many thoughts of just leaving everything behind and starting over. But that scar......the scar reminded me of my job as a mother and what I still had to do for my family.

I had one of the midwives that I interviewed tell me that not every mom has a perfect birth, but they have the ideal birth for them and their circumstance. If you would have told me that a year ago, I may have punched you in the face. seriously. The birth of my son and the lack of support and skill from our midwife and my hubby and the way I was treated in the hospital, was enough for me to see my "calling" into the NCB field. I'm studying to be a Doula, with future as a midwife once my babies are bigger.

As far as another child goes, if you look at the number, a mom has about a 80% chance of VBACing in the hospital and today with a non VBAC mom having 30% chance of cesarean, I'd say the numbers are in your favor now more so than starting over. If you want a homebirth, the study I found showed a 98ish% percent of successful VBAC, so that means only 2% of moms had cs, much similar to what a first time mom or 5th time mom with no prev-cs can be looking at.

I'm not going to tell you to "get over it" or to "be thankful" or to "not be angry". Be angry, be mad, do whatever you have to do go grieve for you loss. It's worth it even if you don't have another baby.

Much love to you....

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by Dana_305

I thought about it ever so briefly last night, going to the ER that is. But then I played out what would happen in my head -- I would wait for hours upon hours in the waiting room, wait some more in a little curtained area, someone would come and take some blood, someone in a white coat would come and poke at my incision and give me some B.S. explanation and tell me to follow up with my PCP (who's an idiot if you couldn't tell from my prior post).

A appreciate your concern and it's probably a good suggestion, I just couldn't stand the thought of that anxiety-fest while in such pain. I haven't set foot anywhere near a hospital since my son was released from the NICU and I intend to keep it that way for, forever(?).

I'm not worried about a bowel obstruction because things are still moving down there, but if that changes, yeah I'll get it checked out. Dr. Google says maybe adhesions or, in rare circumstances, endometriosis (sp?), and nothing can be done for either of those except more surgery. My MW said it could be that my incision did come open some and is re-healing (not sure that is the case since I didn't actually see it opened at all) or a hernia. The severe pain like last night is not an every day occurrence, thankfully.

you may want to look into visceral manipulation. i hope you feel better mama. i worried about you all night!

[georgia]

less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.

Something that helped me enormously was to do my best not compare myself or my birth to anyone else. Fast births can often be extremely traumatizing, too, so IME, it's definitely not a reflection of an easy birth...and even if it was easy, that's going to be okay, too. It's just really hard to process right now I had to get to a mentally healthy place to realize that what happened to me during my first birth had nothing to do with anyone else's birth or baby. If you are still feeling like your life is destroyed, I would most definitely, definitely recommend professional counseling if you are not currently seeing someone

[Earthographer]

Women don't care bc we're uninformed, brainwashed

I am one who didn't care. Breastfed only bc I knew it was healthy for baby.
And then, I went to LLL and discovered this whole society and belief system that was exactly how I felt deep inside but had never heard of! I learned through my baby and thru the hormones of breastfeeding that mothering is so much more than I ever dreamed of. That's SOCIETY'S fault. Women are told that c-sections are safe, that epidurals and Pitocin are practically risk-free, and no contradicting info is readily available above ground.
I am angry, too, about an episiotomy, Pitocin, and epidural, too, now that I'm informed. And I'm no shallow dummy- I looked for books and read tons- just never had heard of certain books. Those aren't available at BabiesRUs. I boycott that place now.
I am so grateful that I didn't have a section- my husband refused to allow it and the resident got chewed out by her superior for not having me sign the paperwork when I walked through the door.
Some people just don't know. Women have been so disempowered for so long, we don't even know of these other worlds. I post about natural childbirth on FB every 2 hours, now, so women who've never heard of it will hear before it's too late.

[scottishmommy]

Amen!

[Eeyore35]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.

*hugs*

I wasn't able to breastfeed,so I can sympathize with that loss. (I did manage a few day of nursing,thankfully). Please don't assume there will be serious health repercussions for your child. I can't promise you there won't be, but i can tell you I have a healthy 4.5 now. It gets easier. But it was very hard the first 2 years,while my mommy friends were still nursing. I was angry at my body for not working the way it was supposed to. Angry at the people who thought I 'just didn't try hard enough'.

I do recommend counselling and or meds for ppd. Prozac helped me A LOT.

I did have a c-section, but I'm ok with that. Not thrilled, but ok. The first week was beyond awful, but I was lucky after that,and recovery was ok.

Altho my reasons are different, I can also relate to giving up the dream of having more children. It's hard, and I still struggle with it.

[Friday13th]

I had a csection as well, after 4 days of unmedicated labor and 2.5 hours of pushing. I labored in every position possible and it was not for lack of trying. I would have hung upside down from the ceiling if it would have meant I could have had a vaginal birth. I read so much and wrote out a birth plan and tried SO freakin' hard and still ended up having my uterus cut open and my baby pulled out.

It sucked. The whole experience was so disappointing and I had spent 9 months invisioning the moment when my baby came out all wet and slimy and was handed to me. That never happened. I didn't get to see him at birth, didn't get to hold him, didn't get to nurse him for 6 hours. Luckily once we got home things went smoothly from there, other than the emotional trauma.

I understand your anger, I've been there. I know people who go in to the hospital, are induced flat on their back, and pop out the baby in a few hours. They don't care about the birth experience, they don't care about whether they have pain meds, nothing. It makes me sad for them, sad for me because I TRIED so HARD and I wanted it SO MUCH and got the exact opposite. It's really hard to choke down.

It gets better, it really does but you need to talk about it. Even if you find a friend who's had a similar experience it's so helpful to get it out. I don't know how old your baby is but time and talking, really, really helps.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, just now you're not alone.

[Bia]

[QUOTE=GoestoShow;14886987]And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.QUOTE]

I can't get you out of my head, so I'm just going to post despite thinking it may be pointless. If what you stated above is how you feel, then you do not have the help you need. Period.
First, let me make it clear that I recognize you have been the victim of a horrible trauma, and I am sorry for that. At the same time, I think whether or not you remain a victim is up to you. There are actions you can take right now to help yourself move forward in a better state than you are in today. I realize that you are so angry in general that you may react badly to what I am saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, in case something in this post ends up helping you.
I experienced PTSD for many years. You said you are seeing a therapist. Clearly, that is not enough for you. In my experience, 2 years of talking therapy did nothing for PTSD. Nothing. Please look into EMDR therapy. It can literally change your whole world in a matter of weeks. It is hard to believe unless you experience it for yourself, but I am not exaggerating.
That is, if you do want healing now. I say "if" because it is natural to get stuck in a pattern of living in the pain and rage. Totally natural... it happens to everyone who experiences trauma. Especially when feeling that rage is justified! As it is for you. But you don't have to remain stuck in that feeling forever. You have to make the conscious choice to act today to move towards healing. When you have had enough of what you are feeling right now, it is within your power to decide to move towards a more hopeful place.
You may not have had any control over what happened to you in the past, and you may still be living with physical consequences you need additional help with, but whether or not you get up tomorrow and continue to live your life as full of hate as you are today is absolutely up to you.
I can only imagine how the state you are in is effecting your dc and dh. I feel as much sympathy for them as I do for you.
Getting your life back is absolutely within your control. I truly believe that waking up to that fact is the only way you are going to get to a better place, and I hope that happens for you. Your life may end up looking differently than you had wanted, and it is natural to grieve for that... but it also may end up being a wonderful life! As full of anger and hate as you are right now, you aren't giving yourself the tiniest chance of finding any happiness. There is a lot you can't control, but you do have the power to take responsibility for your own thoughts.
Again, I don't say any of this to cause you more upset. I sincerely hope you end up in a better place than you are in today.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:59am

[texmati]

Goes to show, s, s,s. I remember reading your story during my pregnancy I think. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

I *know* my body could have birthed my son, but his heart rate just kept dropping and he was not desending.

The epidural wouldn't work. (The anesthesiologist literally told me that it was in my head that it wasn't working). I ended up having a c-section with general anesthesia.

I feel such a disconnect, even now, between the baby I have in my arms, and the baby that I carried during my pregnancy. And so very jealous of even elective c-section mom's who will have the opportunity to see their babies exit their bodies birth, to see their DH's become fathers.

s