Getting Really Sick of Everyone Around Me Having Natural Births - Page 3

[Mamacitac]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I can't stand it. Someone else I know had a freaking less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.

you just made me snort!! you sound cute..little angry (understandable) but cute!
I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted and deserve. I had all csections, 4 to be exact! (medical reasons) I know where you're coming from.

[Sweetiemommy]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.

Is there a reason why you couldn't have a large family despite the c-section? I know two women who have large families (one has four and the other five) both had c-sections for all of their babies. I know that may not be ideal, but they felt okay about it and continued having children, with no ill effects that they have shared with me.

And I do want to say that I was formula fed and I have no allergies or asthma. This is also true with many adults and children that I know. I think you can do a lot to keep your baby/child healthy with probiotics and a clean diet. If there are allergies, there are a lot of things that a well informed mom can do to help.

Not that this makes the c-section okay, but it is important to take control of what you can and not lose yourself in negative thinking. Attitude is everything.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 11:00am

[Sk8ermaiden]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I understand (as much as someone who has not been through what you have can understand). Based on my personal experience, one more is all I'll put myself through. Even though I want 4-6 kids, if the VBAC attempt with #2 fails, 2 kids it will be. For me there's no way I'll risk putting myself through it more than once more.

Sweetie mommy, your friends sound lucky to me. The complications for both mom and baby go up with every section. Mom usually ends up with extensive and painful adhesions as the least of her worries. I have them so bad now, I can't imagine after 5! From what I have heard other women with many sections talk about, I could never, ever do that to myself.

[hakeber]

This story just breaks my heart.

I just had my second C-section after a planned HBAC...everything was supposed to be perfect, I had done so much planning and research and soul searching. I was ready to have the perfect birth. But my cervix had other plans. Turns out my body grows really lovely babies, it just never wants to let them go...with DS after EPO, and an iv drip of pitocin, I still had not one contraction, not even a Braxton Hicks. With DD, I did go into labor. It felt so good. So amazingly powerful and scary and transcendant and I felt so in touch with my baby and my body and the world...but after more than 36 hours of active labor, and 2 hours of what should have been my transition, my cervix was no more than 3.5 cms.

My cervix is just uncooperative.

I have, however, been very lucky to heal easily, two weeks later I feel almost as good as new apart from the strange numbness across my mid-section and a sort of sore pulling sensation when I sneeze or laugh too hard. Healed well with number one as well...I can't imagine having a second if my first was bad as you describe.

I can understand your anger, though. I stalk my DDC's birth stories and weep and weep as I read about these women who had the birth I had planned. Instead I am 3000 dollars in debt, and feeling like a failure. I think I believed in my head that if I could have a homebirth, I would have nothing left to prove to myself or anyone. I would have connected with a part of my womanhood that had elluded me thus far...I believed it would heal me and most importantly it would prepare me to raise my daughter with strength and confidence.

Now I question who I am as woman, as a feminist, as a teacher, and a valuable individual in society, in so many ways. So, yes, hate may be a strong word, but I know that the feelings *I* feel as I read these stories is incredibly strong, soul crushingly strong, and it is difficult to muster the engery to say "Congratulations!", when all I want to say is "I hate you!" and by you, I mostly mean myself. I can only imagine how much stronger those emotions would be if I was still in physical pain, or I couldn't breastfeed my baby.

It's not fair, and you do deserve to have the life you dreamed of, and I am very very sorry for your loss.

[Sweetiemommy]

I also know many women who have had successful VBACs, we have a very supportive midwife in our area. I guess I just think that there is still hope for the family of your dreams. I know that after my first birth I still felt traumatized a year later and was looking into adoption and foster options for our family. But here I am 5 years later with two additional children. At some point I made peace with everything, and to be honest I got pregnant without meaning to, so I kind of had to work through everything before the time came! My last birth was very nice, but my uterus tried to exit my body after the placenta and I had a huge hemmorage. I would love to have more children, but I think it is wise for me to stop, I don't want to lose my uterus or bleed to death! So I understand the idea of changing your mind after a difficult birth. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but I have to say that nothing worth doing comes easy. Just because some stupid Bradley book tells us that birth is going to be this wonderful idealized thing, does not change the simple fact that all of our bodies respond to pregnancy, birth and injury differently. We are all individuals who have different responses to pain, injury and healing. And the way that your body responds to the first birth is not indicative of how it will respond to subsequent births. As an athlete, I know that the body has muscle memory and responds better to injury after it is has been injured. In other words, we get better at healing the more we experience pain. Anyway, I wish you healing and peace.

[Timothysmama]

Hi mama,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. I had a very rough (and IMO unnecessary) c-section after almost 4 days of labor, and I had a very long and rough recovery. I can't say that I've had all of the same complications as you have, but I did deal with crippling pain for about the first 6 months, along with some infections at the incision site, and am now having some pain again with my second pregnancy.

I don't wish what we've been through on anyone, and while I have been jealous of mamas who have been able to pop out their babies seemingly effortlessly, I've found that the way my anger and disappointment has manifested more is in that I've been secretly glad when any of my friends have ended up with c-sections too. Like I said, I don't wish this fate on anyone, but I think it makes me feel like less of a failure when other people can't do it either, you know?

I'm slowly moving past these feelings, as I plan for a vbac, and for me, it's been very helpful and empowering to attend ICAN meetings. That's really the first place where I've felt like people really understand how traumatic the c-section was. I hope that you can find something that helps you deal with the grief and trauma. I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 11:01am

[Sweetiemommy]

I don't know about permanent sterilization, I think a lot of women experiencing birth trauma have those kinds of feelings for quite some time. There are a lot of really good birth control options available that do an excellent job at preventing pregnancy, so sterilzation would probably not be advisable until a few years go by at least. And I also think that feeling resentful of the child is within the range of normal, but it might help to focus on the OB at fault, rather than the child. A traumatic c-section was not his idea of a good time either.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden

I think she was giving a grossly insensitive comment the response it deserved.

"At least you have a healthy baby" or any variation thereof is about the worst thing you can say to a mom dealing with birth trauma.

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm

That is a really beautiful essay, Mama. Thanks for sharing that.

ETA: No mother I know who has been through a traumatic birth experience is not counting the blessing of having a healthy baby and indeed even surviving themselves, Bejeweled. But denying the sadness and the pain one feels, hiding it behind a sacchrine smile and the mantra of "I'm so glad I have a healthy baby", doesn't heal anything. If a woman were almost killed in a sexual assault, would we suggest she count her blessings that she is alive rather than face her trauma and pain? Of course not. The truth is if you never heal the pain of any trauma, if you never allow yourself to feel it, face it, and wrangle it to the ground, you can't heal from it, and you will never be the mother you long to be.

Faking it, or hiding it to make those who don't get it feel more comfortable will just make a painful wound to the spirit fester and rot until there is nothing left of the soul to eat away at, and at the end of the day, that does not make for a good mother, or a productive human being.

I love my babies. I am grateful down to the ground for them, their perfect health, the fact that I conceive them with as much planning as it takes to forget to take my birth control pills for a day or two, but the fact that my body had to be ripped open twice to get them out, despite all the planning research, reading, meditation, and exercises a woman could possibly do in nine months, makes me feel about one inch tall as a woman. How does talking openly about that (ON A FORUM FOR HEALING TRAUMA, BTW) negate the immense appreciation I have for my healthy babies?

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy

I don't know about permanent sterilization, I think a lot of women experiencing birth trauma have those kinds of feelings for quite some time. There are a lot of really good birth control options available that do an excellent job at preventing pregnancy, so sterilzation would probably not be advisable until a few years go by at least. And I also think that feeling resentful of the child is within the range of normal, but it might help to focus on the OB at fault, rather than the child. A traumatic c-section was not his idea of a good time either.

I don't think she should get sterilized tomorrow. I just wanted to say that it's ok to only have one child. I think it's nice to have your feelings validated. If she feels like she can't go through it again, then I support her choice. I for one am contemplating whether or not I'll ever have another baby. I never in a million years thought that my body would be so traumatized by birth. I was examined a few days ago and was told that I should have a c-section for my next birth because the damage to my perineum is so severe. This is after 13 months of healing. I love my child so much, and it was worth it, but I don't know what sort of quality of life I'll have if I go through multiple deliveries.

[JessicaS]

Hello!

This thread has been returned following some edits. Please recall that HBT is a support forum and not a place for debate.

If you have a concern regarding a post please report it to a moderator.

Thank you

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 11:02am

[crunchy_mommy]

I just wanted to say I've been following this thread & thinking of you. I've been worried about you but couldn't really respond because in many ways your posts triggered some hard feelings for me to deal with. I am very happy to see that you are in some ways "holding it together" even as you're falling apart. I hate that we have to put on happy faces for the benefit of others but still, I was worried about how extreme your anger & depression seemed. Your last post has left me a little more hopeful but I know that it's a rollercoaster ride. I use this place to vent as well but I kind of censor myself (how sad that I can't even open up completely here! I'm proud of you that you can!!) I've dealt with a lot of trauma in my life prior to becoming a mom, & my son's birth was very traumatic for me & my family as well. So I really do know where you're coming from & just want to offer you lots of hugs & love. Hang in there!!

[scottishmommy]

No one here thinks that you are a trainwreck! Everyone here has been through some sort of a traumatizing birth experience, whether it was emotional or physical or both. We all understand what you are going through, and have all had the same feelings. One thing that I find especially frustrating when I'm upset is when people try to "fix" my problem. I'm sure you find this irritating as well. That's one of the reasons it's so upsetting when people say "at least you have a healthy baby", because what they are really trying to do is make you shut up. They are trying to make you think that your experience wasn't traumatizing because they don't want to deal with your pain. Everyone does it to some extent, even people who love us. I think it's human nature to try and put a positive spin on traumatic events.

Ok, I know it's annoying to get advice, and I'm not trying to upset you, but forget about western medicine. It isn't going to help you with your physical pain. I'm a child of western medicine (everyone in my family is a doctor)so I used to have a lot of faith in it. Recently I've come to the very unfortunate conclusion that western medicine is completely ineffectual when it comes to chronic pain. Please consider getting acupuncture or holistic physical therapy. Our birth experiences were very different, but I can tell you that I have been dealing with a host of issues for the past 13 months. I finally went to a holistic physical therapist and I can't tell you how much it has helped. I almost hesitate to write about it because of the jinx factor. But seriously it's like night and day. I'm still reluctant about giving birth again (actually I go back and forth about that like 3,000 times a day), but my quality of life has improved. One day at a time.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I just *KNOW* I will never have a vaginal birth. I feel it in my bones. I couldn't do it the first time with all the best conditions and the best support. Why the hell would I be able to do it in the future with a c-section under me?

By any chance was your birth in a hospital? That would be a HUGE hindrance to a vaginal birth, in many cases. Most places have a "pit until the baby is born or crashes" policy(not stated directly, but the protocols that are in place can cause that). I am sorry your birth ended up being surgical, but that does NOT mean the next or the next have to be that way. Most hb midwives i know do VBACs, for many clients, it's the only way to avoid unnecessary surgery. Each birth is different, the circumstances that caused this birth to be surgical, may not repeat itself. And if you homebirth, you increase your chances to birth vaginally. I don't consider c/s abnormal birth. I consider it surgery, so you still have a good chance to have a NORMAL birth. You may not have even been allowed to labor normally, I don't know. But all is not lost. Give it time and then see what happens...

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 11:03am

[RedOakMomma]

GoestoShow~ I read this thread earlier today and I've been thinking of you all day. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, and I don't blame you a bit for the hurt you feel when someone else gets a beautiful labor.

For what it's worth, I had a beatiful labor with my twin sons. Those sons were also born with a genetic disorder, and I lost my son James five years later because of it. What I'm saying is that we all have heartbreak--horrible, horrible heartbreak--somewhere in life. We all do, or will. We just don't know when we will encounter it, when it will hit us. But hit us it will.

So even among these women who's experiences hurt you, and with good reason, you have community. You have something in common. We all experience something that breaks us at some point or another. We all lose something or someone dear to us in life.

I'm sorry, so sorry, for what you lost. I wish you healing, and I wish you strength.

[SashaBear]

My SIL is one of those that just doesn't care and has great births. She's induced for no reason, has an epi as soon as possible, and has babies in 1.5 to 2 hours. She's gonna have her third any day now. I warn people that I have serious birth issues and that her births are very difficult for me. I'm one of those that wishes I wake up to go pee and have the baby on the toliet!

My vaginal and c-section were both traumatic. With my vaginal I wanted nothing to do with my son. He had caused me so much pain and discomfort and complications for so long. Why would I want to deal with someone like that? I'm surprised I was able to nurse him without complications. However when I thought about my next pregnancy and birth, I had no problems or fears.
My daughter was a c-section and she almost died. Now I have a permanent mark on my records forever. If I have to have another c-section, I will not have more children. Thankfully I see no reason to have another csection. It looks like I'm a good candidate for a VBAC. If my next baby ends in a c-section, I'm done. No more. I wanted several.

Do you think when doctors make the decision to induce us or section us they think of our future? About our emotions? That they have sealed our fate? That their doing will lead to no more children? I think they need to some psychological training about how birth affects a woman.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I don't really want to belabor the point, but even homebirth midwives say they treat VBAC clients differently. They monitor more. The ones who take a hands off approach take a slightly less hands off approach, etc. There is no normal birth after a c-section. There really just isn't.

I hope you read this last post, yes, MW say they treat VBACs differently, but that doesn't mean you have to be treated differently. Talk to them about what they mean by that, is it more monitoring? If you feel that's not necessary, refuse it. Hire another Doula, one with experience in VBAC (only because they can more easily recognize the emotional issues that may come up) and have help you be your advocate at the birth.