This story just breaks my heart.
I just had my second C-section after a planned HBAC...everything was supposed to be perfect, I had done so much planning and research and soul searching. I was ready to have the perfect birth. But my cervix had other plans. Turns out my body grows really lovely babies, it just never wants to let them go...with DS after EPO, and an iv drip of pitocin, I still had not one contraction, not even a Braxton Hicks. With DD, I did go into labor. It felt so
good. So amazingly powerful and scary and transcendant and I felt so in touch with my baby and my body and the world...but after more than 36 hours of active labor, and 2 hours of what should have been my transition, my cervix was no more than 3.5 cms.
My cervix is just uncooperative.
I have, however, been very lucky to heal easily, two weeks later I feel almost as good as new apart from the strange numbness across my mid-section and a sort of sore pulling sensation when I sneeze or laugh too hard. Healed well with number one as well...I can't imagine having a second if my first was bad as you describe.
I can understand your anger, though. I stalk my DDC's birth stories and weep and weep as I read about these women who had the birth I had planned. Instead I am 3000 dollars in debt, and feeling like a failure. I think I believed in my head that if I could have a homebirth, I would have nothing left to prove to myself or anyone. I would have connected with a part of my womanhood that had elluded me thus far...I believed it would heal me and most importantly it would prepare me to raise my daughter with strength and confidence.
Now I question who I am as woman, as a feminist, as a teacher, and a valuable individual in society, in so many ways. So, yes, hate may be a strong word, but I know that the feelings *I* feel as I read these stories is incredibly strong, soul crushingly strong, and it is difficult to muster the engery to say "Congratulations!", when all I want to say is "I hate you!" and by you, I mostly mean myself
. I can only imagine how much stronger those emotions would be if I was still in physical pain, or I couldn't breastfeed my baby.
It's not fair, and you do deserve to have the life you dreamed of, and I am very very sorry for your loss.