Getting Really Sick of Everyone Around Me Having Natural Births - Page 4

[RheaSilva]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

I hear you. Loud and clear! I feel low everytime I hear of an uncomplicated vaginal birth. Especially from the ones who don't particularly care about the birth process. I wish that I could be one of them. That didn't care how my babies came into the world.

I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that I am just not cut out for the sacred event of natural birth.

I couldn't read this without answering because I hate to think of you hurting about this. Please don't beat yourself up thinking about uncomplicated births and how you're "not cut out" for it. I am convinced that A LOT of it happens due to sheer luck.

I had my first daughter in a birthing center, with only a midwife and my DH (who is a physician but was functioning as my husband, not as my doctor) there. I labored for 6 hours, the contractions hurt like h*ll, my back was killing me and then I delivered my baby and was home in my own bed 6 hours later. The only downside besides the pain was the tear in my perineum. That hurt like crazy.

But, know what? Looking back, I decided that the whole natural childbirth thing is a good thing and is the right thing for many mamas but the next time I gave birth it would be the more "conventional" (for lack of a better word) way. I didn't want the painful contractions or back labor and I especially didn't want to be allowed to tear.

Long story short, daughters 2, 3 and 4 were all born in hospitals (as #5 will be in May), I had an epidural and and episiotomy with them and their births were all joyous, miraculous experiences that I will treasure always.

Not being able to have your babies "naturally" does NOT, repeat NOT make you somehow "unworthy" to be a mother, so please, please don't paint yourself with that brush. Just the fact that you care enough to post here shows that you are, indeed, a fantastic mama!

[nicole_marie]

From a fellow c-section mom who wants to get pregnant a second time (5 years of infertility) and have a VBAC homebirth, I can completely relate. It's difficult to be a natural birth advocate when you have had a cesarian. Do you have a local ICAN chapter near you? I bet you would find some great support there. In the meantime, until you are able to heal your soul, you might want to stay clear of natural birth forums and let your close natural birthing friends know that you are going through a difficult emotional process and could use their support. I think our current cesarian rates are OBSURD...however, there will always be a small percentage of necessary life saving cesarians...and for that, I am grateful.

((hugs))

[MyFillingQuiver]

Originally Posted by SashaBear

My daughter was a c-section and she almost died. Now I have a permanent mark on my records forever. If I have to have another c-section, I will not have more children. Thankfully I see no reason to have another csection. It looks like I'm a good candidate for a VBAC. If my next baby ends in a c-section, I'm done. No more. I wanted several.

Do you think when doctors make the decision to induce us or section us they think of our future? About our emotions? That they have sealed our fate? That their doing will lead to no more children? I think they need to some psychological training about how birth affects a woman.

To the OP and all the mama's with pain over birth experiences...I am very sorry for your pain..I truly am. I can relate.

This above quote is right on the money. Since our society has become so anti-children it seems, and so desiring of pregnancy prevention/perfect planning, it seems to fit in even MORE that OB's (in general) don't seem to look to our future the way that we may choose to. I had 2 vaginal births and then a c-section...then a forced repeat due to VBAC bans. I grew up mainstream, and to my own downfall, didn't research or have any experience with homebirth. So, off to be sliced again. My C-sections were so traumatic, and the following severe post-surgical intrauterine infection led me to have my tubes tied.

I later had a tubal reversal, and thank God that we've been blessed with conceiving again...though this is not guaranteed. While I take responsibility for my choices in life, at the same time, there is MUCH culpability on the part of the OB's who don't seem to think twice about cutting into, and possibly off, a woman's reproduction..I am sure many women have ended their child bearing over decisions made by others...that is a right no one should have taken away from them. For years I felt like I wasn't a woman at all.

[Right of Passage]

Originally Posted by MyFillingQuiver

To the OP and all the mama's with pain over birth experiences...I am very sorry for your pain..I truly am. I can relate.

This above quote is right on the money. Since our society has become so anti-children it seems, and so desiring of pregnancy prevention/perfect planning, it seems to fit in even MORE that OB's (in general) don't seem to look to our future the way that we may choose to. I had 2 vaginal births and then a c-section...then a forced repeat due to VBAC bans. I grew up mainstream, and to my own downfall, didn't research or have any experience with homebirth. So, off to be sliced again. My C-sections were so traumatic, and the following severe post-surgical intrauterine infection led me to have my tubes tied.

I later had a tubal reversal, and thank God that we've been blessed with conceiving again...though this is not guaranteed. While I take responsibility for my choices in life, at the same time, there is MUCH culpability on the part of the OB's who don't seem to think twice about cutting into, and possibly off, a woman's reproduction..I am sure many women have ended their child bearing over decisions made by others...that is a right no one should have taken away from them. For years I felt like I wasn't a woman at all.

Powerful thought, thank you.

[mater_familias]

Reading what you women have gone through made me cry. I just want to say that I feel very proud of all of you for having the strength to share what you have experienced. I am a very naive young woman who didn't realize that things like this could happen during birth. I have been touched by all of your support for each other and I encourage you to continue speaking out about your experiences.

[Gray's Mommy]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I can't stand it. Someone else I know had a freaking less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.

I am one of TWO people I know TWO who didn't have a natural birth and it makes me sick. I'm tired of it.

I'm so with you on this one...everyone I know lately has had these "great" homebirths or breech births or twins...it sucks.
to you

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I think the pp was just trying to say that vaginal, c/s, etc., affects each person differently. I had a very traumatic birth with a lot of interventions but I was able to avoid a c/s, just barely... I was in severe pain for months and even to this day (DS is 10.5 mos), I still experience pain. Sitting is hard for me. I tore a ton and blood was spattered all over the room. Couldn't DTD for months and our sex life is still very difficult physically for me. And that's not even why my birth was traumatic for me! But I have friends that had c/s's and were back closer to "normal" in about 2 months. I often think I would have healed physically way more quickly with a c/s -- but I'm still glad I avoided it and my heart breaks for those of you that wanted a vaginal birth and couldn't and may never be able to!! But at the same time, I don't think having one type of birth or the other automatically makes someone's birth "better" or "worse" (physically or mentally/emotionally), it's way more individual than that!

I know this is an old post, but I agree. Just b/c I never had a c-section does not mean I'm not dealing with birth trauma as well. I had a myomectomy at age 16 due to a huge fibroid. They told me I'd never have children. I had to fight not to have a hysterectomy and get an experimental procedure done. They called it a c-section without the baby the surgery was so extensive. I had to fight to not have a c-section when I did get pregnant. I have had to fight it every step for over a decade now. Then they threatened a c-section about every 5 minutes during my first birth. With my 2nd child, he would be "too big" so they induced me. Broke my water after trying for over an hour to do so. After a botched intrathecal that left me with years of crippling back pain, he came out so fast, the nurse pushed him back in until my OB could suit up. Then they pulled my placenta out causing a massive hemorrhage, seizure, and years of trauma. Turns out he was also premature because their u/s date was off and he's had digestive and neurological delays ever since.

I'm still not over that birth. I finally am in a place to be more proactive towards my medical rights and am comfortable telling people where to stick it if they don't listen to me. But it doesn't erase my fear every time I get pregnant that I'll have a c-section they've threatened for a decade or that I'll have another birth like my son's. But I don't think it sucks when people have great natural births. I do think it sucks when I know people who tell me c-sections are "easier" even though they've never had one. I know one person who had no labor pain, didn't even think she was in labor-just went in to shut her mom up and the baby just fell out. And she wants a c-section next time because it'd be "easy and predictable". Even though saying that birth was easy and perfect. I find it belittling and ignorant. No offense, but I guess you would have had to be in the conversation and come from a place where you fought tooth and nail for a decade against that very idea.

My point is, so many of us have birth pain. Anger at other people who had good births doesn't help. We need to get angry at the system.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by hakeber

So, yes, hate may be a strong word, but I know that the feelings *I* feel as I read these stories is incredibly strong, soul crushingly strong, and it is difficult to muster the engery to say "Congratulations!", when all I want to say is "I hate you!" and by you, I mostly mean myself. I can only imagine how much stronger those emotions would be if I was still in physical pain, or I couldn't breastfeed my baby.

Sometimes the emotional scars are the worst ones.

OP, my heart goes out to you. Honestly, if there were a way for me to take some of your pain for you, I would.

[WildflowerChild]

I just had a repeat c-section after doing everything right (planned homebirth, excellent diet, etc). I let myself be talked into induction at the hospital because of excessive fluid. I'm so angry and to top it off, every one around me got vaginal births even the ones who induced for convenience. It makes me sick, so I totally understand.

[mizznicole]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I can't stand it. Someone else I know had a freaking less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.

I am one of TWO people I know TWO who didn't have a natural birth and it makes me sick. I'm tired of it. I hate that I had a c-section and I hate everyone else for having perfect births. I have decided I will not have any more children because the thought of another c-section that I just know is awaiting me if I do makes me sick. I just *KNOW* I will never have a vaginal birth. I feel it in my bones. I couldn't do it the first time with all the best conditions and the best support. Why the hell would I be able to do it in the future with a c-section under me? Even the homebirth midwives here say they treat VBACs differently than normal births (great choice of words, huh? I can never have a normal birth because a VBAC isn't normal).

Guess I'm lucky - the VBAC midwives at the birth center here do NOT treat VBACs differently - this was said in our first meeting. Now, I'm sure there are red flags that are different, but generally speaking they're not freaked out by it. And their success rate is really high.

I recently experienced a lot of healing through talking my birth story over with this new MW. It's two years later. It sounds like *maybe* we had a similar story? I don't know - but in my case it was bad positioning of a big, week-late baby. Some things are no one's "fault." I like with this mw said - we plan for our children to be a certain way, but sometimes their paths go in a direction we didn't plan. To a large extent their story is not ours. That gave me peace.

It's taken over 2 years to get to this point. I think you're brave for dealing with your feelings...hope you find peace.

[mizznicole]

Originally Posted by nicole_marie

From a fellow c-section mom who wants to get pregnant a second time (5 years of infertility) and have a VBAC homebirth, I can completely relate. It's difficult to be a natural birth advocate when you have had a cesarian. Do you have a local ICAN chapter near you? I bet you would find some great support there. In the meantime, until you are able to heal your soul, you might want to stay clear of natural birth forums and let your close natural birthing friends know that you are going through a difficult emotional process and could use their support. I think our current cesarian rates are OBSURD...however, there will always be a small percentage of necessary life saving cesarians...and for that, I am grateful.

((hugs))

I see your point, but I also think it's important for those 5% of us unlucky people who start with a mw and end up with a c-sec have a voice in this whole birthing discussion. Not every c-sec is due to interventions - which I discovered with my own. Granted, the vast majority are. But sometimes there's just a mystery behind it all. No one to blame. And how do we deal with that?

[JBH]

the poster doesnt say she was traumatized. Her original post says nothing about birth trauma. Just that she was more or less pissed off b/c other ppl get to have natural births. She called her friends baby "stupid", it sounds more like anger to me which is why I responded the way I did.

[Dana_305]

Originally Posted by JBH 

the poster doesnt say she was traumatized. Her original post says nothing about birth trauma. Just that she was more or less pissed off b/c other ppl get to have natural births. She called her friends baby "stupid", it sounds more like anger to me which is why I responded the way I did.

She is greiving. Anger is one of the common "stages" of grief.  Not everyone experiences it, but I did, and it looks the OP did as well. I think the fact that she posted the message on the BT board is enough for me believe that's what she believes she is experiencing, and she is the best judge of that.

[Lamashtu]

Oh sweetie, reading your post makes me want to cry.  I am so sorry your birth didn't go the way you wanted it to.  I understand your disappointment and I hope it goes away.

I'm the opposite of you.  Although I am, by any and all accounts, a crunchy mama, I did not want a "natural" birth.  I freely admit it is because I am a wimp when it comes to pain.  So, labour commenced, partner and I got to the hospital and things were going swimmingly.  After I couldn't hold out any longer, I finally asked for my epidural and was told it was past the "window of opportunity" and I would have to continue birthing without it!  I was quite upset, as you can imagine.  I had wanted a nice, calm, PAINLESS birth experience and instead got excruciating pain, unbearable pressure and terrible memories of me grunting and squealing like some sort of animal

Although I feel angry and disgusted when I look back at my DD's birth (I couldn't look at her newborn photos for months because it took me right back into that room), I am thankful that she is healthy and thriving.  Although that can't completely make up for my birthing ideal being shattered, it goes a long way toward healing.

[Jane91]

Reading these stories makes me wonder if it isn't (in a sense) emotionally dangerous to become extremely focused on the birthing process rather than the result (physically healthy mom and child). 

It seems like there are all these illusions of control around a process that in the end isn't controllable -- it's not like a final exam that you can study really hard for (to get an A+ birth), or something you can research and purchase (like the perfect new car or home applicance).  

I had trouble on the surgical table (adverse reaction to a med. given), tons of bleeding afterwards, and an obscure complication (that was "blown off" as being a standard side effect of the surgery, and which was potentially life threatening if untreated), spent over a week in the hospital after the birth (with a n-g tube inserted, and allowed no food or fluids by mouth, even water), and did not see my newborn twin girls for several days.

But I didn't come out of it feeling traumatized -- though parts of it were scary, painful, embarrassing and upsetting at the time. 

I'm not sure if that was because I went in without a birthing plan (beyond the goal of physically healthy mom and children) specifically because I didn't want to feel disappointed afterwards by the experience.   Or if knowing that the key parts of my experience were not changeable or controllable made it so I didn't focus on those things to a point of trauma.  One of my lactation consultants suggested that I should start journaling, to give myself time to "process" everything.  I knew that, for myself, that was an absolutely horrible idea -- I needed to pull up my socks and move on.

Of course -- what I would be writing would be very different now if neither I nor the girls were physically healthy after the experience, and I admit that.