I feel like a horrible mother.

[AlishaB]

I caved today and got the ultrasound, I wasnt going to find out the sex, and I did.
I found out that I am expecting my 3rd son in April...as soon as I saw the penis I burst out in tears.
I know this is our last biological child and was really hoping for a daughter. I have such a good relationship with my mom, and my DH's relationship with his mom is strained to say the least.
I feel so bad for even being upset. What is wrong with me?!? I should just be happy that I *can* have children, and that this baby is healthy.
Still processing.

[*Aimee*]

I really wanted 3 boys and would have been devastated if this baby was a girl. Its also our last baby. I am having a boy so it worked out, but I think we all have a way we want things to be and in the end it doesn't matter, we love our babies no matter what.

It's perfectly okay to grieve the loss of the daughter you won't have. You'll still love this baby.

[justmandy]

I am having my third boy. I thought for sure this was a girl...U/S said boy. It took a while for me to grieve and come to terms with having another little boy. You are not bad. These are your true feelings, you can't beat yourself up for having them. Take time to deal with them, cry and vent to safe people (people who won't judge you).

For me a big help was finding a way to bond with this little boy. It was very important to me to have a name so we worked hard to name this little boy and once he had an identity I was able to move on a little better.

I also still hope the U/S was wrong and he will come out a she but because I've been bonding with my little boy, I'm really ready for either. For that reason, I'm glad I found out so I wouldn't have to deal with those emotions at the time of birth and postpartum.

[snoopy5386]

We are also having our last child, a 2nd girl. My entire life I have wanted a little boy - the one thing I wanted more than anything and now will never get. I totally understand how you feel and it is been really hard coming to terms.

[Gray's Mommy]

I agree with the previous posters...it is okay to grieve what you do not have. That is a normal feeling.

[smeisnotapirate]

Alisha, I noticed you're due in April. I'm so sorry you're disappointed, and it's totally normal. If you come over to the April DDC, we have a "Gender Shock" thread, as lots of our April moms are dealing with the same thing.

You're not alone, and you're not a horrible mom. Come on and join us in the DDC and we'll help you through it.

[mamaonthefarm]

To the op,
I am sorry you are going through this. Please know that this does not mean you are a "horrible mother"! In fact, most women I know do indeed have a strong gender preference for their babies. Gender disappointment is something that people don't often talk about but it is so very common. Kudos to you for writing about it because it helps other moms feel better about opening up about their gender disappointment feelings too.
Hugs!

[bananabee]

I'm on my first, and have wanted a little girl all the time we were TTC. I knew, especially as it happened to my friend, that if I found out I'm having a boy, I'd have to grieve a bit and get used to the idea. That's the main reason I want to find out the gender. So I'll get over it and it won't be a shock and disappointment at birth. It's probably for the best you found. Be gentle with yourself.

[ACsMom]

Originally Posted by *Aimee*

It's perfectly okay to grieve the loss of the daughter you won't have. You'll still love this baby.

Yes, absolutely! You are not a bad mother for feeling this way - you are normal. Don't stifle the feelings or try to make them go away. Grieve, and then have your beautiful little baby and go from there! You said this is your last "biological" child - does that mean you might consider adopting someday? My apologies, I didn't read the second half of the thread before replying! Just wanted to offer support.

[bethanyclaire]

Let me say this... you are NOT a horrible mother!! What you are feeling is very, very normal even though it is seldom discussed. It is good that you are coming out and talking about it!

I very much wanted a girl during my first pregnancy. All the oldest children in my family are girls. I am very close with my mom and was not close with any men in my family besides my grandfather. When I found out DS was a boy I burst into tears and cried through the rest of the u/s appt. I was so embarrassed at the way I behaved. I was all alone at the appt. and they were looking for a deformity that they were afraid my baby had. I felt HORRIBLE that I left the appt. in tears when I was lucky enough to have found out that DS, though he was a boy, was PEFECTLY healthy. I wondered for weeks what the h*ll was wrong with me that I couldn't just be relieved and grateful.

When I was pg with DD they told me she was a boy at the first u/s. I was crushed. I can only imagine what it would have been like if I knew she was my last baby and she was a boy. I can't possibly know what you are going through because I haven't been there but I can tell you that time may help. Meeting your new little boy will certainly help, too. You have time to process this and that is a good thing! Maybe you are just such a great mama to boys that you get to raise three! I know it doesn't help heal the pain of losing the opportunity to raise a daughter but it is something to think about.

I'm sure you love your boys more than anything and just because your DH isn't close with his mom doesn't mean that your sons won't be close to you! My little brother (22) has a VERY close relationship with my mom! They are like best friends. Seeing that has given me lots of hope for a close adult relationship with my son (soon to be 2 sons!)

[Plummeting]

Oh mama, this is so normal! There have even been other threads about it, if that makes you feel any better.

I actually have a terrible relationship with my mother, who abandoned us when I was three, and an even worse relationship with my stepmother, who was emotionally and verbally abusive. For that reason, when I found out I was pregnant with my DD I really, really wanted a boy. I felt like I didn't know how to have a good relationship with a girl or be a good mother and that I was better equipped to raise a boy. They even told us she was a boy at a 14 week u/s. Then at the next one they said she was a girl after all. I cried SO hard. I was devastated. She was an unplanned pregnancy and it was all so difficult.

You know, of course, that once she was born it didn't matter and that now I couldn't even imagine having a boy instead of my DD. (Edit: In fact, when I first got pregnant again - on purpose this time, lol - I was sort of hoping for another girl.) I'm sure you'll feel the same way about your son.

[mntnmom]

I already have a girl, but wanted another for number 4. I was really sad to find out we're getting a 3rd little boy as well. We're starting to research adopting a little girl, and it's taken a little time, but I am finally excited about my little guy. We all have expectations, and when those "could have beens" are lost, it hurts a little. But I'm sure you will love him just the same and be a great mom once he gets here!
I have almost NO relationship with my mom, but my DH has a great relationship with his. It's not "the same" but I for one believe parenting is much more important that gender.

[AlishaB]

Thank you all so much for your support and understanding. I am trying to move my midwife appointment up so that I can start processing faster. I am having issues when people ask me how the U/S went as I cant talk to my girlfriends because I will start crying....a trip to the zoo today with them should be interesting!
I will absolutely come to the gender shock forum.
I am just happy to know I am not alone in this.

[onlyboys]

Yeah, so I have 4 boys. I wanted a girl with every single pregnancy.

The feeling does fade once you hold that little guy who you have worked SO hard for in your tired arms. It really does. I'm 4 years out from my 4th boy and while I grieved not birthing and parenting a daughter, I'm at peace with my boy family.

It is hard, and I think you should allow yourself to grieve if you need to. I know I did. Grieving for what isn't going to happen for you doesn't detract from the love you'll feel for your new son.

[mama_Agnieszka]

I have two girls and was scared I might have a boy with my third pg... and sure enough, I'm having a boy! When I found out I just felt fear!!! I come from a family of all nieces and sisters and all nieces are having girls... and my mom has 4 sisters... As a child I didn't have any little boys around... Anyway, I'm still nervous, don't know what it'll be like (except from what I've read in some books and seen with some friends - that scares me even more!!!).

But, I don't think that having your dream not happen and the sadness around that make you anything other than perhaps a bit disappointed and sad... and don't forget you're hormonal and react stronger to things that you might normally... So, let yourself grieve. I wouldn't suppress the sadness because it'll come out some other way... you probably need to feel it before you can feel the joy of having a new little man join your family...

Blessings to you and be kind to yourself!

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Nearly the same thing happened to me only it was my first. I wasnt going to find out then in my 8th month I caved. I love my dd more than I can say but I was devastated when the u/s tech said girl.

[shoefairy3]

We have 4 boys and one girl (the one in the middle) and everytime we have an u/s we hold our breath hoping for a girl and 4 outta 5 times, we have gotten a little boy. I have to be honest and say everytime, a little piece of my heart is sad, but now that i have them I wouldnt change it for anything. And yes, we are holding our breath for another girl, even tho the name we have picked is a boys name