How to help a friend who feeds her 3 m.o. solids and candy - Page 2

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by 2xshy

i would mind my own business.

if she asks for your opinion then sure you can give it but how other people feed their children is really none of my business.

I agree, especially if she is a close friend. I wouldn't want to feed my children solids that early but I don't see where it can hurt. I'd be worried about it causing colic, stomach problems and no sleep at night more than anything else though. I'm surprised anyone would do it that early.

[LynnS6]

The best thing you can probably do for her is offer to watch her son for her while she takes a nap or gets an hour to herself. If life is really stressful for her, she might appreciate some time to look after her needs.

As for the food? In the 1950s it was standard practice to start kids on solids at 6 weeks. My suspicion is that the grandparents are promoting this. The other junk? Ugh, but as everyone else said, it falls under the category of something I wouldn't do but something that probably won't lead to lasting damage.

[Super_mommy]

I would say just stay out of it. She is a friend & don't mess with your friendship.

[caro113]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

As for the food? In the 1950s it was standard practice to start kids on solids at 6 weeks. My suspicion is that the grandparents are promoting this.

The 50s? Let's not forget the 80s as well. Both of my parents proudly proclaimed they gave me cereal at 2 weeks - per the doctor - in my bottle so I would sleep at night. And that in '87.

There really isn't anything you can do, sadly. If she's anything like my mother, anything you say that is different from what she says/thinks, means you are being rude and calling her a bad mother and acting like a superior parent. Obviously you aren't acting like this, but among the mothers (and fathers) I've known who do things like this, they all see to hold that same attitude.

And I agree that it probably is the grandparents promoting it. I know my mother tried to get me to start DD on solids as soon as possible. The only reason we ever gave her cereal (and she was 8 mo? at the time and had already started grabbing food off my plate to play with it and lick it) was because everyone was sick - including DD getting a runny nose - and we were out of donor milk, so I finally caved to DP and got her some organic infant cereal with probiotics. My mother insisted she convinced me to do it.

ETA: DD really enjoyed the cereal so I was happy about that. I never had to force her to eat it - not that I would. She actually put her face in the bowl to eat herself (which produced hilarious photos btw) and usually took the spoon as soon I got the cereal onto it so she could feed herself. In fact, she still does this. I put whatever food on the fork and she takes it and feeds herself. When she wants more, she either tries to get herself or hands me the fork. Or cheats and just picks it up with her fingers Sorry, I know this is OT.

[sapphire_chan]

"What does your doctor say your ds should be eating now?" ?

Since she's mainstream, the almighty word of the doctor might get the kid back onto just formula or breastmilk until it's time for the rice cereal. Not ideal, but better than sugar.

If it's the grandmother, can you get granny alone and tell her bluntly that the baby is sick because of the crap he's eating and you don't want to hurt the mama's feelings but you know granny's got influence and can make a difference and get him on healthy foods like the ones on this list here? "I know you won't tell my friend I talked to you about this, I know she's doing her best for her little boy and she's just too stressed to have time to learn about this stuff and I know I can rely on you to make sure that baby stays healthy." (Basically turn granny's bullying about food into better advice.)

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Originally Posted by LoMaH

I'm the food nazi, always so cautious, so careful, organic whole foods, avoid allergens/additives/hormones/food colorings/yadda yadda, ...... my kids have sensitivities, go figure!

Originally Posted by gbailey

LOL. So am I. I take great care into what DD eats and try to prepare healthy but tasty meals for her (for us all). I've been accused of "depriving" DD (she's only 19 months by the way) because we don't give her candy and Strawberry Nesquik but if I criticized the moms who accuse us depriving DD of feeding their kids poorly, they'd be angry and insulted.

Please reconsider your use of this word. Some people on the board find it highly offensive.


To the OP, I would probably stay out of this one. I'd be worried about the choking hazard of the Laffy Taffy as an immediate threat but I am not sure the mama would want your advice in this situation. I think that as horrified as you might be, this isn't something you can change.

[LROM]

Wow, I'm astonished at the number of "Stay out of it." "It's none of your business" posts here! I am suprised that there is ever a time when someone we care about is doing something we're concerned about and we can't find ANY way to say something supportive but also possibly educational to them? That makes my heart hurt!

In this case I'd so a few things:

1. I'd look at how she mothers and pick several things you think she does really well. Then I'd open up the conversation by telling her how you admire the way she ______ and how well she ________ with her baby.

2. Then before having this conversation I'd go to a website you respect (like if you like Kellymom.com or anything like that) that talks about when and WHY to introduce certain foods at certain ages, etc. Print out some pages and bring them with you. When you start the conversation with all the things she does well, then maybe say something like "There is a great website re: all things mom and since you're attentive to what your baby eats I thought you might be interested in some of this info" and give her the pages, but maybe specifically point out that you know she's excited her baby is already eating certain things but there are even better ways her baby can eat and if she wants to talk to you about anything in the printouts you'd love to talk to her about it (give her some examples of cause and effect of early solids, too much sugar, soda and all the artificial nastiness in soda, etc).

3. Tell her more things she does great (and I mean all that sincerely - she'll know if you're just trying to think of something good to say but you don't really mean it. Think of things you sincerely respect, like how attentive a mom she is even in the midst of all that's goin on in her family.). Also - and if her family is mainstream this is important - point out that a lot of things considered "normal" in raising babies is just because people don't want to do anything differently, but there is a LOT of info out there about better ways to care for babies and that she shouldn't feel like she's got to do everything the "regular" way. Ifyou have examples from your own childrearing where you can show cause and effect of doing things "differently" and having a great impact on your kids, use those examples.

4. Tell her motherhood is a crazy, wonderful, sometimes maddening journey and you made a lot of mistakes and learned a ton, so if she's got questions there's no such thing as a stupid question and you'll always love to talk to her about it. And that you can learn from her!

Honestly, I think when you care about someone and are concerned and want to offer them info, there is NO reason not to find a way to do it. The person may appreciate your advice... or they may resent it. They may be glad you said something, or be mad at you. But if you are sincere in caring about them, they are usually going to at least appreciate your communicating with them.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by LROM

Wow, I'm astonished at the number of "Stay out of it." "It's none of your business" posts here! I am suprised that there is ever a time when someone we care about is doing something we're concerned about and we can't find ANY way to say something supportive but also possibly educational to them? That makes my heart hurt!

In this case I'd so a few things:

1. I'd look at how she mothers and pick several things you think she does really well. Then I'd open up the conversation by telling her how you admire the way she ______ and how well she ________ with her baby.

2. Then before having this conversation I'd go to a website you respect (like if you like Kellymom.com or anything like that) that talks about when and WHY to introduce certain foods at certain ages, etc. Print out some pages and bring them with you. When you start the conversation with all the things she does well, then maybe say something like "There is a great website re: all things mom and since you're attentive to what your baby eats I thought you might be interested in some of this info" and give her the pages, but maybe specifically point out that you know she's excited her baby is already eating certain things but there are even better ways her baby can eat and if she wants to talk to you about anything in the printouts you'd love to talk to her about it (give her some examples of cause and effect of early solids, too much sugar, soda and all the artificial nastiness in soda, etc).

3. Tell her more things she does great (and I mean all that sincerely - she'll know if you're just trying to think of something good to say but you don't really mean it. Think of things you sincerely respect, like how attentive a mom she is even in the midst of all that's goin on in her family.). Also - and if her family is mainstream this is important - point out that a lot of things considered "normal" in raising babies is just because people don't want to do anything differently, but there is a LOT of info out there about better ways to care for babies and that she shouldn't feel like she's got to do everything the "regular" way. Ifyou have examples from your own childrearing where you can show cause and effect of doing things "differently" and having a great impact on your kids, use those examples.

4. Tell her motherhood is a crazy, wonderful, sometimes maddening journey and you made a lot of mistakes and learned a ton, so if she's got questions there's no such thing as a stupid question and you'll always love to talk to her about it. And that you can learn from her!

Honestly, I think when you care about someone and are concerned and want to offer them info, there is NO reason not to find a way to do it. The person may appreciate your advice... or they may resent it. They may be glad you said something, or be mad at you. But if you are sincere in caring about them, they are usually going to at least appreciate your communicating with them.

Honestly, I know your intentions are great here, but if I was in the situation of the OP's friend, and someone had the above conversation with me, I would never call them again. It's just so patronizing. If it were my dd, instead of a random friend, I might. But otherwise, no way. I would feel embarrassed, resentful, and angry.

[eepster]

Sugar aside, laffy taffy (and most candies) are huge chocking hazards. That really goes beyond simple increased risk of later obesity, diabetes and allergies, death from choking is a real possibility.

I would say something. I would probably say "Have you run this by your pediatrician? Mine said something completely different, s/he said XYZ and talked about certain foods posing high risks of choking."

[reemasams]

feeding the baby with solids at three is not so good... baby can be introduced with solids only after six months.. till then it should be mother fed, nothing is there to get pride about starting solids soon... tell your friend this will affect the baby's immune system.. you are her friend and you need to set things right...

[momasana]

I am kind of surprised at how many people suggest staying out of it. Aren't we, as mothers and friends, supposed to help one another out and share information and insight into raising a healthy family? Yes, this other mother is "mainstream" but if no one takes a step to (gently) show her other ways she might never know any better.

Giving a 3 month old candy and soda is a really big deal, IMO. I don't think solids that early is good either, but not nearly as troublesome as nutrionally-void junk foods.

I don't think it is ever a good idea to confront someone about their parenting choices and put them on the defensive, but if this person is your friend I think you owe it to her and her child to hint that maybe soda isn't such a good idea right now.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Honestly, I know your intentions are great here, but if I was in the situation of the OP's friend, and someone had the above conversation with me, I would never call them again. It's just so patronizing. If it were my dd, instead of a random friend, I might. But otherwise, no way. I would feel embarrassed, resentful, and angry.

I respect that's how you'd react. I just haven't gotten that reaction almost ever, and believe me I've offered info about things to people who I barely knew... in this case she's got a real relationship with the father and the son.

To each their own, I know my approach isn't for everyone. I just get so so sad when I hear of someone concerned about a child's wellbeing (and in this case the father's too), and I can't imagine having the attitude that it's best to keep your mouth shut. It could go badly and dad could feel upset, but at least she tried to help dad consider gettign his son out more and around more people who love him. How can that be a bad thing?

And again, sincerity is the key. I find most people who react badly and feel the way you say you'd feel, it's usually because the person who said it was patronizing and not sincere about what they were asking. There is a huge difference between acting like you already know what's best, and checking in and explaining that you're concerned, why you're concerned, and that you really wanted to bring it to dad's attention. Dad may still be offended... but then again he may not.

And having lost someone that dear to me (my mom), I can also tell you that often friends don't ask how the person who is grieving is doing. Friends often think it's better "not to talk about it". But the grieving person is often GRATEFUL for anyone to really inquire. If that would make you feel resentful, angry and embarrassed, I don't know what to say... I've never had anyone react that way to my sincere inquiry into their wellbeing.

[lilyka]

a good approach is to go with "what did your Dr. say about.....?" If she hasn't seen a Dr. about it she should. She will most likely get average middle of the road advice. and that is not always a bad thing.

That said I think people here really overthink food. So the baby licks a peice of candy every now and then or gets a sip of soda. that really will not kill her. if her bottle were full of soda and she was eating a candy bar every day it would be different. but a little taste here and there actually seems healthier to me than the hyper controlling approach.

[TulsiLeaf]

or what yo ucan do is some crafty talk.

Tell her that your kid just got over this horrid rash around his hairline and say that the doctor found out it was to much sugar. say that you thought it was the cold weather, but it turned out after eliminating certain foods that it went away.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by tinyactsofcharity

Please reconsider your use of this word. Some people on the board find it highly offensive.


To the OP, I would probably stay out of this one. I'd be worried about the choking hazard of the Laffy Taffy as an immediate threat but I am not sure the mama would want your advice in this situation. I think that as horrified as you might be, this isn't something you can change.

I certainly apologize if I offended anyone. I can understand why it would be offensive. My bad.

[finnegansmom]

Originally Posted by eepster

Sugar aside, laffy taffy (and most candies) are huge chocking hazards. That really goes beyond simple increased risk of later obesity, diabetes and allergies, death from choking is a real possibility.

I would say something. I would probably say "Have you run this by your pediatrician? Mine said something completely different, s/he said XYZ and talked about certain foods posing high risks of choking."

That was my first thought as well. I wouldn't give my 3 yo taffy, never mind a 10 week old, yikes. I'm terrified of my kids choking... I would have said something to her about that, it would seem too dangerous to ignore IMO.