DH wants his mom to babysit...

[BlueWolf]

... but I don't because I don't trust her, at least not right now with DD only 5 months old. Right now, the only person besides DH that I trust to look after DD is my mom because I know she will handle DD like I do. I don't trust that DH's mother will do this. She has told me on numerous times that she let all her children CIO and if she didn't feel like feeding them, then she wouldn't (we also feed on demand). CIO is simply not an option in my book, and until DD is older and it's not much of a problem anymore, I do not want her left alone in MIL's care.

DH doesn't see what the problem is and I'm not sure how to express it properly to him. It's not about keeping DD from MIL, but that's what they seem to think it is. I just do not feel comfortable with her watching DD because of her parenting stories and the bad advice she's given me.

Thoughts?

[allical1284]

I have the same issue with my MIL (but luckily DH and I are on the same page). I am slowly starting to come to the realization that not everything I decide to do will please everyone, but my #1 job isn't to make sure that everyone is happy. My only job is to be sure that DD's needs (as determined by me) are met!
DD is unable to stand-up for herself at this point in time, so I am responsible!
This is very hard for me because I am a major people-pleaser, but I know that DD's well-being is more important to me.
My MIL thinks that I am keeping DD away from her also, but I made it clear that this isn't about her, it is about my daughter! Follow your instincts, we have them for a reason
Good luck! I know this is a difficult situation for you.

[pangirl]

Can you say you feel he's too little to be without his mama? And then book a family visit where she sees the baby but you're there, too.

[lifeguard]

Does her watching dc have to mean for hours & hours. At that point I was comfortable leaving ds for an hour or two in the middle of the day with several people but no one at bedtime & only dh for longer periods.

Do you know for sure mil is just itching to undermine you? My Mom has told me repeatedly that "eventually you'll have to let him cio - we all have to go through it" but she knows how I feels about it & I know she would NEVER do it behind my back.

[BlueWolf]

I don't know for sure that she wants to undermine me concerning DD. She has undermined me concerning other things though, sometimes repeatedly.

I was thinking about it last night a bit. Nothing she's done with DD while around me has been questionable. In fact, she sang DD to sleep once and helped give her her evening bath once. Maybe I'm just over reacting and not giving her a fair chance.

I'd just really hate to have my feelings justified down the road. It's hard to give up that momma control and leave her with MIL, after all I have no clue what she does once I'm gone, you know what I mean?

[MaddieMay]

My parents and ILs don't see exactly eye to eye on our parenting choices, but they are respectful of them and adhere to them for the most part. I would talk with your MIL and let her know your wishes-just because she did it with her own children, doesn't mean she will with her grandchild.

Also, you could have her come over while you are at home. She could take the baby for a walk or to a different part of the house. The other thing you can do is drop by unannounced to "see how things are going."

BUT-if you mama instinct is telling you not to do it, I wouldn't do it.

[GAjenn]

I would take the can you come over and watch her while I get some things done around the house. What a big help that would be and you can keep a eye on things. This is what we do with the Grandparents we don't trust. I still have issues, but at least I'm there.

[Cherry Alive]

The problem with letting one relative watch your LO (your mother) and not another (your MIL) is it can appear as favoritism. This is all the more true when ILs are the ones not being allowed to babysit, and if your partner isn't 100% on board with your parenting beliefs. Not sure what you can do about it, but it's very important to keep in mind. Appearing to play favorites with parents/ILs can be very damaging to a marriage—unless your spouse is in 100% agreement about it.

Anyhow, I have trust issues with both of our folks, and my DD also is very attached to my DH and me right now. So, what we're doing with my MIL and mom is setting up babysitting dates at our home when we need to do big chores (ex- cleaning the gutters, taking care of the leaves, replacing the kitchen tile, etc...). This way they get to watch our DD, but we can subtly keep an eye on what's going on—and we are close by if DD needs to see us or if our folks have questions or need help the first few times they babysit. Both of our moms seem really excited and happy about this idea. If things go well, we'll consider letting DD spend time alone with them, and it will give us peace of mind they aren't trumping our parenting choices.

[sunshynbaby]

DH and I are not ready to leave DS with ANYONE right now. It just doesn't feel right. I would make sure you visit and let her play with your LO. That's what we're doing with everyone who is begging to babysit DS. They just have to deal with us being there too, lol. Maybe in time you will feel comfortable enough to leave your LO with her for an hour or so (when you know she will be awake so CIO is not an issue) to grab dinner/lunch with your DH.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by MaddieMay

BUT-if you mama instinct is telling you not to do it, I wouldn't do it.

this is most important.

I am weird about certain people watching my baby. I just recently let her stay with my mom and dad for a few hours one Saturday and she did great, but I know how they are with my children and trust them. They have always let my older children co-sleep over the years when sleeping over and are very good with the children. They're the type of grandparents that the kids don't want to leave them when they go over.

[AndtheStars]

I don't trust my MIL either. Like a PP, my DH is on the same page so I'm lucky in that respect. I don't want to deny my DS (4 mos) a relationship with his grandmother but when she does interact with him, its awful. If he does anything but smile and 'talk' to her, she'll just say "no, no, no" repeatedly until he starts getting really upset and then she hands him back to me crying. And she raised three children? Stick to your guns, OP, I don't think you should do anything that you aren't comfortable with.

[DeerMother]

Always interested to see how others handle this. My dc are 22 months now, they have stayed w/ my mil twice, but my parents lots. The first time, at my 6 week pp check, mil had a panic attack and had to call her husband to leave work and help. The second time, a month ago, we went out for a quick bite. Came home, mil said I changed dd's poop diaper but it still smells like poop. (duh, there's two kids and both have the ability to poop) Ds had a bad poopy diaper and had been sitting in it for probably the whole time we were gone. Even though neither of these situations was dire, not ideal, not the way I or my parents would have handled the situation. Also just further proof that mil is not equipped to handle two young children w/o dh or I there.

So. . . I write it off as dc see my parents a lot b/c I am close to them and dc are used to seeing them. They have seen mil less than 10 times in 2 years living 2 miles away and I'm not leaving my children w/ a virtual stranger, relative or not. Handle it w/ kid gloves w/ your dh. My dh is not close to his mother but it still offends him if I am blunt and honest.

[Pookietooth]

Go with your instincts on this one. At that age, they can't be away from mom much anyway since they aren't eating solids.

[GAjenn]

My father and step mom keep her and not my mom or mil. I don't care about playing favorites, it is about safety and beliefs. Follow your gut.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

... but I don't because I don't trust her, at least not right now with DD only 5 months old. Right now, the only person besides DH that I trust to look after DD is my mom because I know she will handle DD like I do. I don't trust that DH's mother will do this. She has told me on numerous times that she let all her children CIO and if she didn't feel like feeding them, then she wouldn't (we also feed on demand). CIO is simply not an option in my book, and until DD is older and it's not much of a problem anymore, I do not want her left alone in MIL's care.

DH doesn't see what the problem is and I'm not sure how to express it properly to him. It's not about keeping DD from MIL, but that's what they seem to think it is. I just do not feel comfortable with her watching DD because of her parenting stories and the bad advice she's given me.

Thoughts?

If you don't feel right about it, don't do it.

But tell your husband (and mean it), that if there is ever anyone he doesn't feel right leaving the baby with, that ya'll won't leave her with that person, either.

I think both parents should be able to have veto rights on things like this.


As for how to break it to him, just be honest-- you don't feel comfortable because you don't think that she shares the same parenting values. Assure him that this may not be a problem when she gets older, but she's so young that you're still in protective mode. Try to go with the "it's not that she's a BAD parent, I just think our ideas are too different, and I'm not comfortable with anyone letting my baby cry, or not feeding her when she's hungry." Emphasize that you're not trying to limit visits, MIL can visit all she wants, but you want to be there "so that they can just have fun visiting and not have to worry about feeding/etc".

And yes, by the way, you are ABSOLUTELY right and within your rights to feel that way.

[marispel]

How long does he want her to babysit? Just an afternoon? Overnight?

[BlueWolf]

He wants her to baby sit so we can go out to dinner, so 2-3 hours. Which would be in the evening, and that's DDs worst time of day. She's comfortable with my mom, and my mom knows how to handle her so it's not like we cannot have a date if MIL doesn't babysit her.

[Icehockey18]

We had the same problem. My mom was watching DS a few times a week for just a couple hours at time ( I am a grad student and can't bring him to the lab sometimes). He did great with her. Slept a lot, ate well, had fun, etc... ( we started at 3 mo). Then it was not *fair* that my mom always got to watch him. So reluctantly I let my MIL stay with him. It also was a need because my mom had to go out of town to help her mom. The first day wasn't great, but I figured it was just new for them both ( he was 4.5 closer to 5 mo by this time).
I must also say that she MIL I am spoiling him and hold him too much. She also said, as I was leaving the first time she watched them that they would have fun, nap, eat and he could have some alone time! I said that I didn't think he needed alone time, and she is usually good so I figured she would respect that.
Well the next time she watched him, it was worse. When I got home she said he wouldn't eat or sleep and kept arching his back in her arms. Now, I was only gone for 4 hours max, so it wasn't crucial he ate or slept, but he did usually eat and sleep every 3-4 hours...
Anyway, it got worse and worse . Until finally when he saw her he burst into tears (he rarely cries and these were serious tears!). That is when I told DH that his mom wasn't working out.
It has been a month and a half since all this and DS is just now able to go to her ( for about 5 min max and he HAS to be able to see me) and we see them at least every other week, so it is not about him not being familiar.
Anyway... this long winded post was to say this:
my motherly instincts did not feel comfortable with MIL staying with DS. I know she did not hurt him and loves him very much, but she just doesn't *mother* like I and my mom do. DS helped me avoid any more babysitting, but I feel awful for putting him through that. I just hope the relationship bt DS and MIL continues to get better. I know it hurts her feelings that he cries when he is with her. I should have trusted my instincts and just said no from the beginning.....

[noobmom]

Originally Posted by BlueWolf

He wants her to baby sit so we can go out to dinner, so 2-3 hours. Which would be in the evening, and that's DDs worst time of day. She's comfortable with my mom, and my mom knows how to handle her so it's not like we cannot have a date if MIL doesn't babysit her.

Well, I have to say that only letting your mother watch the baby compounds the problem. You trust your mom, you let her watch DD, she spends more time with DD, therefore DD is more comfortable with her.

Unless you actually think your MIL would disregard your preferences with the baby, I would just talk to her. Most people get soft with age and you may find that even if she did CIO with her own children, she may be too much of a softie to do that to her DD. If she agrees to do things your way (and you trust that she's not just lying), give it a try. 2-3 hours isn't so long. And remember, she did raise your DH, who presumably turned out just fine.

[AnnieNimIty]

Instincts trump anything else I say. Now if you were to do as a PP said and have her over to watch you DC while you are doing a project, that would be cool. But, you don't know what is happening when you aren't there. Unless you set up a nanny cam or something.