Niece is in foster care...help! - Page 3

[Smithie]

".i think it might be a case where this foster mom thinks she now has this little girl, is likely to be able to adopt, is treating her "as her own" in an inappropriate way (making decisions that she thinks is best even if they arent best for the child), and is just waiting it out until your SIL screws up and she can adopt the baby."

I've got zero problems with a child learning to use the toilet and giving up diapers at 26 months, but if the foster family thinks that they are "likely to adopt" this early in the process when a potential kinship placement has already come forward, then 1) the sw is not being upfront with them or 2) the sw is, for some obscure reason of her own, planning not to pursue kinship care with the assiduity that the ethics of her profession demand.

OP, I hope that you can talk with the sw directly this week and get everything sorted out. For all you know, your niece's mom has been telling the sw horror stories about you and/or the rest of the family, and once you've opened the lines of communication thing will quickly improve.

At this point, there is no "appropriate way" for a foster family to be taking on the forever family role. The mom has an active case plan, for pete's sake! The relatives haven't even been contacted!

[Polliwog]

Smithie, I think Katherine was laying out two possibilities and said one was more probable than the others.

OP, it's really hard to be a foster parent. You are often doing things "wrong," whatever you do. Feed the children too much junk/too healthy, dress them too comfy/not comfortable enough, let them stay up too late/put them to bed too early, and on and on.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by queenjane

... however i do refer to myself as "Mommy" to him...

When I fostered that would have been a big BIG nono. It's one thing a toddler calling you "Mommy", but it would not be okay to refer to yourself that way. I actually got in trouble once because a kid decided herself she wanted to fit in and call me Mommy (she was kindergarten age). I always referred to dh and me as firstnames, but she didn't want to be different. I did answer to it, but never encouraged it, and still got in trouble.

[Polliwog]

That's not how it is in most places (based on what I hear from foster parents around the country.) In many places, foster parents can decide what they want to be called as long as the child's comfortable with it. Many children, especially young children, call the foster parents some version of Mommy and Daddy because they are the parents of the home and what any bio children are calling them. The goal is for the children to feel comfortable. Many children, especially older children, want to just want fit in.

My son's always called me Mommy (when he came home, he was calling all women Mommy.) My soon-to-be adopted daughter has always called me Mommy or Mama from the time she was able to speak. I refer to myself as Mommy (when I'm not using pronouns.)

[Polliwog]

That's not how it is in most places (based on what I hear from foster parents around the country.) In many places, foster parents can decide what they want to be called as long as the child's comfortable with it. Many children, especially young children, call the foster parents some version of Mommy and Daddy because they are the parents of the home and what any bio children are calling them. The goal is for the children to feel comfortable. Many children, especially older children, want to just want fit in.

My son's always called me Mommy (when he came home, he was calling all women Mommy.) My soon-to-be adopted daughter has always called me Mommy or Mama from the time she was able to speak. I refer to myself as Mommy (when I'm not using pronouns.)

[DocsNemesis]

See, that seems wrong to me. If the child is being FORCED to call the foster parents mommy/daddy, yes, I see that as an issue. But if the child is choosing to call the foster mom mommy...its sad that the state can step in and say you're in the wrong for letting them. Like others said, some kids just want to fit in, sometimes they're very young and calling their foster mom mommy is just sort of...natural...and I'm sure there are some cases where the children have been very neglected/abused where the foster parents really are the closest thing to a mom/dad they've had.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

Smithie, I think Katherine was laying out two possibilities and said one was more probable than the others.

Yes, thanks, thats what i meant.

Smithie, i wasnt saying it was appropriate that the FP has the motivation that "this is my child and im making the decisions now" (if in fact she has that motivation, and there isnt really any way to know if she does), i was saying that its possible thats her motivation (and thus the OP's outrage may be warranted), but that a more likely scenario is that she is just making regular parenting decisions that are in the best interest of the child.

if the foster family thinks that they are "likely to adopt" this early in the process when a potential kinship placement has already come forward, then 1) the sw is not being upfront with them or 2) the sw is, for some obscure reason of her own, planning not to pursue kinship care with the assiduity that the ethics of her profession demand.

The FPs might not even know that there is an interested relative. I had a fd for a couple of months, and presumably for quite a while a relative was working to get her (she had the other sibs) but no one told ME that, and after nearly two months with no visits with anyone, no contact, nothing i was starting to think maybe it WOULD be an adoption situation, then she was moved in one day. Usually the foster parents are pretty much the last to know anything. I didnt even know that in my foster son's case (which i thought was clearly a reunification case) the state was seeking adoption for him until i was given the latest case plan and saw the goal was "placement with an adoptive family" (which would be ME)...i nearly fell off my chair, i'd only had him about a month at that point.

I have thought of something else as well.....i think its really important that the mother of the child make every effort to "make nice" with the foster parent, to at least be respectful (not saying she isnt), to chat with her if at all possible, to ask questions about how the child is doing, ask friendly "how about the weather" type of questions ("So how was your Christmas? Any plans for the kids for Valentine's Day?" that sort of thing)...when i first starting fostering my son, his mother seemed pretty suspicious of me and seemed almost to be staking out her territory....every visit seemed to be some comment about his hair, the length of his nails, what he was wearing. But the longer i have had her son, the more she has learned to trust me i guess and she doesnt judge me like that so much, which has gone a LONG way in us developing a relationship. Its a big reason why i will feel comfortable having a very open relationship w/ her if i am able to adopt her son.

The father on the other hand...he isnt exactly hostile, but its soooo uncomfortable when i see him. All he seems to EVER ask is "is he alright? He's acting funny" or how is he sleeping, but there is this underlying feeling there that i must be doing something to his son. Apparently he acts totally different with his dad than his mom, but thats not MY fault. He has said at times how "lethargic" he seems...so weird. He has made no effort to find out who we are as a family, what type of activities his son does on a daily basis, plus even though he was the custodial parent when fs came into care, he never really told me anything about him (likes/dislikes/routine) despite me asking several times. Because the groundwork hasnt been laid, because i feel like i dont even really know the guy, an open adoption will be alot more work. At one point it seemed like he thought if he complained enough about me they would just give his kid back. It doesnt work that way of course.

I guess that was my really longwinded way of saying, its in the SIL's best interest to try to be nice, and not judgemental, of the FP if at all possible. Try to look at it like you are all on the same team. If there are truly safety issues (the SIL sees bruises or the child looks neglected) by all means she should bring that to the worker's attention, but complaining that her 2 yr old was transitioned to a cup or is calling the FM "mommy" is going to alienate the person who is caring for her child.

[Thandiwe]

I'm in agreement with Queenjane and Polliwog. My foster daughter weaned off the bottle during the day at one, almost on the dot, and at night by about 14-15 months old. We also cut out pacis at that point too. In fact, it has become an issue in our case with the parents because she was ready to wean off those two and her mom is now, with baby nearly 19 mos old, regressing her and feeding her bottles and baby food. With a baby who uses utensils, is beginning to drink out of an open cup, and doesn't utilize those "baby" items, it's not really respecting her development and current stages. No one in this household *forced* her to give anything up with whaling and gnashing of teeth; she was ready and we helped her let go. During her visits, meals are often substituted with a bottle, which only leaves her hungry when I get her back. As for the mommy thing, our little one calls me mommy. I have never forced her to (I don't think you could with a 1-2 year old even if you tried). But I have two other kids who call me mommy, and that's just what she does. From what I'm told, she also calls her mom mommy too.

From our perspective, I know that it's tough on her mom to watch her grow up and not be there; I'm not diminishing that. But the truth is that she has been given the opportunity to better herself and get her daughter back; she is in control of the timeline in many ways. In our case, when mom fails to complete her tasks, she loses out on those milestones as the case continues to stay open. Regressing her in development to replace those lost times will not help her daughter; there will be losses that won't be replaced. Unfortunately that is the downside to foster care. However, I am sure that any loving parent would much rather complain that their child was loved, supported, treated developmentally appropriately, rather than neglected, regressed, and told every day that they don't belong and aren't a true member of the family. For bonding, being kept "separate" from the rest of the family is not beneficial.

As to the methadone, I should hope for the little one's sake that they do demand the highest standards of addiction recovery. It won't do ANYONE any good for her to be returned home only to come back into care because it was too soon. Having a child return home will be very stressful on her mom and every precaution should be necessary. I think your sil needs to look at it like this: either she can wait the 6 months while she stays stable now, or she can risk screwing up and losing her daughter forever. Personally, I'd rather take the time now if I were her.

It sounds as though this little girl is loved, accepted, and being treated very well. It will be painful for your sil to see her thriving without her, but she needs to step up to the plate and be grateful she doesn't have to worry about her baby. Isn't that the greatest blessing of it all? To have foster parents that care too much? I'm sure many parents of foster kids who have been killed while in care by their foster parents would think so.

[Oliver'sMom]

There are no other children living with my niece in this home, so the argument that she may just want to fit in with the other children is void. If our niece has decided to call her mommy on her own terms, then I see nothing wrong with that. It's a little sad though. I'm just saying I really hope the foster mom isn't referring to herself as mommy or is making her call her that. I have no way of knowing one way or the other.

I really think it was crossing the line to potty train her and bottle wean her though without any talk of the subject to SIL. Would it have been so hard to just mention to her at a visit, "Your daughter is really showing signs of being ready to use the potty, what do you think of us starting to potty train her?" Or "Your daughter hasn't been asking for a bottle, so we've been giving her sippy cups." Instead, from how SIL tells it, the foster mom was boasting about how she had potty trained her and had taken away her bottle. It seemed like she was acting like she knew best, and that she called all the shots. Maybe she does, but that still seems really disrespectful to me.

Queenjane: For some reason your post really rubs me the wrong way. I know you meant no offense, and I'm sure I'm overly sensitive right now, but to say that the mother should "make nice" with the foster family really ticks me off. It seems like there's this hierarchal system where the foster parents are in power, and if the mother ever wants to have a relationship or get her OWN CHILD back, she better not make any waves. Imagine your baby was taken away from you, and is now living with complete strangers. Wouldn't you feel guarded or suspicious at first? To expect a parent to be conversational and accepting of the whole situation right from the start is absolutely ridiculous! In the case of my niece, the foster parents seem to have it in their mind that this is their daughter and they will be able to adopt her. My SIL is determined to get her back or to at least have her daughter live with family. There's going to be conflict in that situation no matter what.

I'm really starting to get a bad taste in my mouth about the whole foster/adopt system after reading these posts.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

OP, it's really hard to be a foster parent. You are often doing things "wrong," whatever you do.

Yup. I've been slammed for having too nice of a carseat for baby girl. Seriously. I suppose next time I will just have to throw her in some piece of junk and not care too much about her safety.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

It seemed like she was acting like she knew best, and that she called all the shots.

There will be decisions made on a day to day basis that will not consult her mom. Did your sil bother expressing concern about this? Perhaps she needs to go right to the source and explain her feelings. It may be a matter of misunderstanding, but foster mom won't know unless mom says something to her. The foster mom may have been advised by medical caregivers to do what she's done. We were urged by our local WIC office, who know full well she's foster care, and her pediatrician who also knows, to wean her off the bottle prior to her return home.

I will be bowing out of the thread at this point. I am sorry that you are looking so poorly on the system. Overall the system is trying to help your niece stay safe and healthy and giving your sil the chance to recover. It's not easy to watch someone else raise this child. And irregardless of *how* the foster family feels, they have no legal say in the case. The case will move forward if and when your sil improves her life. Period. There are many officials observing, and if it becomes a situation where the case is being impeded there will most likely be activity by the social workers.

Sorry if anything I've said has offended you, and best wishes in your future endeavors! Many hugs to this little girl who's life has been forever changed.

[Thandiwe]

Edited.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

Queenjane: For some reason your post really rubs me the wrong way. I know you meant no offense, and I'm sure I'm overly sensitive right now, but to say that the mother should "make nice" with the foster family really ticks me off. It seems like there's this hierarchal system where the foster parents are in power, and if the mother ever wants to have a relationship or get her OWN CHILD back, she better not make any waves. Imagine your baby was taken away from you, and is now living with complete strangers. Wouldn't you feel guarded or suspicious at first? To expect a parent to be conversational and accepting of the whole situation right from the start is absolutely ridiculous! In the case of my niece, the foster parents seem to have it in their mind that this is their daughter and they will be able to adopt her. My SIL is determined to get her back or to at least have her daughter live with family. There's going to be conflict in that situation no matter what.

I'm really starting to get a bad taste in my mouth about the whole foster/adopt system after reading these posts.

Wow. I understand you are coming to this situation from a different place than i am, but please understand that other than the fact that the FPs do the day to day parenting of the children in their care, they are COMPLETELY POWERLESS, at least in most cases. There are many many days where i am treated like nothing more than a glorified babysitter, not a member of the "team", not as someone with alot of knowledge in this field, not REMOTELY as anyone whose opinion matters, even though *I* spend more time with my little foster son than *anyone*...do you know what its like to do my very best to have my fs well dressed, well groomed for a visit, then have the worker come back with some little nitpicking thing "his dad said that you..." blah blah. ESP when its done "behind my back" and he could have just mentioned it himself. Recently i had to have a whole DHS/county abuse investigation because on two occasions my foster son received some scratches on his face, the first situation i dont know how he got them (i suspect my son and he got into a fight when my back was turned), the second i watched him climb up on the dining table and tumble off before i could reach him. Even though i was totally not at fault (and the county lady was confused as to why the agency even made a report since it was clearly normal toddler stuff and just *scratches*), the child's worker still treated me like "something" had happened, like i was at fault and my agency's licensing person also treated me that way, like i had let something happen that shouldnt have. It sucks!

In fact, i probably won't continue fostering for a long time after my current fs either goes home or i adopt him (i would like to seek a child for straight adoption however)...its just not what i expected. I could tell you some *horror* stories of friends online of how they were treated, of having babies since birth sent home after two or three years to parents incapable of parenting. Its awful.

There seems to be this idea floating out there that the court will take into any consideration whatsoever (in determining whether to terminate rights) that the child is in a "good" foster home that wants to adopt...it doesnt work that way. I have been to every court date of our termination trial, and have not even been acknowledged. The GAL hasnt talked to me. The prosecutor hasnt spoken with me. No one has asked me about the child or how he is doing. I am essentially invisible. I have never been invited to a team mtg despite the fact that i suspect i'm legally allowed to be there. If i miss a visit because my foster son's dr's appt runs long, i have to immediately make up that time, but if the dad is ten or fifteen minutes late, i'm supposed to be ok with sitting there longer while he gets extra time because to complain would look "mean". Visits have often run long meaning i sit up at the agency with my own two yr old bored out of his mind for alot longer than the regular two hours. I've had to drive through precarious snow situations to make a visit knowing that having to make up two hours the next week will be even worse.

All i'm saying is, its not easy and the foster parent isnt responsible for the removal and she is not the enemy.

Frankly i think many foster parents would think "the mom is a recovering drug addict who put her baby at risk and she is complaining because i potty trained her child??!" My fs' dad went on and on about a mild diaper rash i was treating, and whether i was brushing his teeth well enough all the while shoving "juice" (dude, its HFCS and artificial color) and cheetos at him every visit. When someone has his kid taken away cuz he's a drug dealer and has illegal guns, it kind of irritates me that he is complaining about the brand of diapers my fs wears.

I know it must be hard to have your child in foster care. Please understand its also very hard for those of us who care for these little children who may have been abused and neglected, who very well may go back to that same home environment, and whose future and perhaps even life depends on decisions totally totally outside our control.

And if all you got from my post was "hey birthparent you'd better suck up, be nice to me and not make waves or i'll never let you see your child again" then either i really suck at expressing my thoughts in writing or you completely missed my point. Either way, thats totally not what i meant. All i meant was that building a relationship with the FP *now* (if at all possible) will be good for everyone involved.

[Sierra]

(ETA: I either missed several posts or I cross-posted with many others...sorry if any of this seems repetative. I'll know post again with more current discussion.)

Foster parents in concurrent permanency planning really do walk a tricky line.

When we were plain-and-simple foster parents, we just always left it up to the kids what to call us. With older kids, most called us by first name. One called us moms (his decision) but he also called his mother "mom" (rights had been terminated and he never saw her, but he was older and knew her a lot of his life). It was always clear who he was talking about based on context, and it also was very clear to me that he had a unique relationship with each of us. Calling us by a maternal term didn't change or undermine his love and deep, deep devotion to his mother. He simply found it comforting to call the women who were parenting him by "mom."

Then we entered into a foster-adoption program. When ds was placed with us at birth, due to his parent's mental limitations, even though the plan on paper had to be reunification and the parents had to be given a fair shot at working their case plan, we were told by the social workers to prepare for the highly likely outcome of adoption.

The job of foster parents is to care for children while their parents can't. This involves creating conditions of normalcy for the child. My feeling was that this little boy deserved and needed parents. We thought about how young he was, and the fact that adoption had been presented to us as a likely outcome, and we decided to treat him like our son. He was just a wee one, and he needed to learn to equate "mommy" with experiences of security, affection, and love. This would have actually been *helpful* to reunification, as counter-intutive as it is. The bond and the term "mom" are transferable. If children don't learn how to bond early in life, they are disabled for later life. So we referred to each other as our son's moms. Being as there are two of us anyway, the idea of him having three moms wasn't anything at which we'd even blink an eye. We were the "meantime-maybe-forever" moms and his mom was well, learning-to-be-a-mom mom. At home we'd clarify who we were talking about by using context or by using the first name along with "mom" or "mama." So I was "Mama S____," my wife was "Mama G____," and ds' mom was "Mama M____."

We *did* have a relative placement sneak up on us very early on in the case (when it was still with CPS, not yet DCFS). Last we had heard all the relatives had said "no" to taking him and no more relatives were known. Then one day I brought him to visit his mom and poof: "We're moving him in two weeks to his maternal grandmother" (who had been one of the ones who had earlier said no to the placement). Then when that placement fell apart, I found myself really glad that we hadn't stopped calling ourselves mom...for ds' sake.

We adopted him at 13 months.

Then along came dd, at six months old, bouncing into our lives. Her situation was less straight-forward. When she had moved out of her last foster home, they specifically moved her to us because we were open to adoption. On the other hand, her mom was making bits of progress here and there on her case plan. We weren't sure what to have her call us, but she solved the matter on her own by following ds' lead. She called us moms because ds did. And from the time she was about a year, we were the only folks really serving a mom role in her life. Her mom was showing up to visits but *not* parenting. Her mom was rough with her (not trying to be...she just couldn't figure out how to be gentle), and its actually hard for me to think now that dd's association of "mom" at one point was with that kind of energy.

Anyway, dd called us mom out of her own choosing, and I know that was rough for her mom. dd used to get frantic at visitations, and would stand at the door to the visitation room crying and screaming desperately "maaaaaaammaaaaaaa." Her mom always insisted dd was referring to her (her mom). She couldn't face the truth, and we felt awful, but we hadn't made dd call us that, and it would have been really destructive to dd, who was still so young, for us to insist she call us something else. She wasn't at the age yet where we could really reason about stuff like that. Maybe if she had been three or four (??).

Anyway, in that case the plan did not switch from reunification to adoption until long after it was clear that dd's mom was just not going to make the necessary progress within a reasonable timeframe for dd. I don't think the plan was switched over until after we'd already received permission to move cross country with dd! After three very, very long years, we finally adopted dd. Now you tell me: knowing that it can take years and that in this case it did, what on earth do you think it would have done to dd to be raised alongside ds (who is just 11 months older) but to be treated as a part of the household but not part of the family in that we insisted she call us by name or some other term instead of mom? And then suddenly at three, she is adopted, and what then?

It's complicated, but I think the situation is somewhat counter-intuitive in that with young children, it may actually be good for them to establish positive associations with a "mom" in a foster family before going home. These are all kids before the age of reasoning. They know one thing and one thing alone: EXPERIENCE!

As for the potty training and bottles, I agree that it is not a good thing if the foster family is pushing early independence through these means and taking away her comforts. But as others have pointed out, we don't know. It could have been an easy and natural process that she simply was ready for. Honestly, if anything, I probably pushed dd's bottles on her longer than she really wanted them. She had a tongue-tie and didn't like drinking out of bottles all that much.

Also, bear in mind that the majority of doctors recommend that children are weaned off the bottle at just one year, and many social workers parrot that. Everyone is worried about "baby bottle tooth decay." I happen to disagree and believe that with proper dental management, babies can be extended bottle nursed for great benefits...especially when they enduring other trauma and especially when they are trying to attach. However, unless this family has alternative information, they are probably going with the "doctors orders." And likely, their praises are being sung by doctors and social workers alike. The social workers likely see this as the child getting back onto a "developmentally appropriate" track after whatever neglect she has previously endured. I don't really blame foster parents who do this kind of thing thinking they are doing what is best for the child.

When a child comes into foster care, the parent retains certain rights in the child's care. They have a say in major health decisions about the child, for example, and in most places, even whether the child gets a hair cut. But foster parents are substitute parents when the parents aren't available to do the job, and they will make some decisions for the child's care.

While I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to see your child growing up with someone else, a few months in care is a very long time at two years of age. Your neice is bound to grow by leaps and bounds, and not being there on a daily basis, your neice's mother may be surprised by most of it. It doesn't mean it is "out of the blue."

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

Would it have been so hard to just mention to her at a visit, "Your daughter is really showing signs of being ready to use the potty, what do you think of us starting to potty train her?" Or "Your daughter hasn't been asking for a bottle, so we've been giving her sippy cups."

Actually, you have a valid point. I think you are right. Ideally, those kind of conversations would be taking place.

In practice, whether that kind of conversation is appropriate would depend on a number of factors. Certainly there are cases in which I've had these above kind of discussions with parents whose kids are with me in foster care. Usually those are cases where either (1) the parent's skills or ability to parent in developmentally appropriate ways have never been in question, or (2) the parent has progressed in the case enough where they are making more of the decisions and really getting ready to start being more involved on a day-to-day basis.

If a parent, however, is still dealing with really basic issues, I don't generally seek child care advice or input from the parents. Until a parent is off-drugs, stable, and generally showing signs of clear-headed thinking and unselfish decisions about their child's care, I do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.

I've certainly worked with parents who, had I had the above recommended conversation, the parent would have made a huge deal in insisting that we not wean the child or that we not begin teaching the child to use the toilet...just out of fear of losing that control of their child's life, or out of spite, or any number of other reasons. By asking, I have to be ready to open up a can of worms like that, and depending on prior experiences with the parent, I may or may not go there.

The foster care system works with parents in sequential steps. When a parent is ready for the next steps, those steps become part of the case plan. When the parent is ready to be involved in day-to-day aspects of parenting, that will usually be intergrated into the plan. It's nice when parents can be more involved sooner, but as a foster parent, I really take into account the whole situation before inviting that type of involvement. Because some times it is a wonderful thing for everyone, and sometimes it nearly becomes a weapon used by a hurt parent.

It's possible the foster parent could have and should have had that conversation. You have a good point. On the other hand, you can't really know that without having the other half of the story. Also, please try to keep in mind that your SIL may be hiding certain things from you. I've had extended families sometimes insist that I *should* be doing one thing or another in one way or another that just wouldn't be appropriate with the facts of the case. For confidentiality reasons, these can't be shared. Some stuff even *I* don't know as a foster parent (oh my goodness the shocking stuff I learned when I got my ds' and dd's full disclosure file at adoption)!

If a mom just failed a bunch of drug tests, for example, or has been missing her treatment appointment, I'm probably not even going to go there with trying to get her involved in a more active way with her child. We'd leave it at visitations, and let her focus on getting well first.

[lauren]

There has been some great discussion and some very positive advice on this thread. The reality is that foster parents do often see things through a wide lens which includes both the needs of the child, as well as the hope that the biological parents can get their lives pulled back together in order to parent successfully. The mamas here really do have that perspective and work hard at respecting all parts of the triad.

Oliver's mom, this is very painful for you and your family and it is hard to decipher the "system" and figure out how to proceed and what makes sense. In many ways the system is hard pressed to serve anyone "well," since it can seem unresponsive no matter which side of things you're on.

I urge everyone to take a deep breath and continue to try to keep learning from one another without defensiveness.

Peace.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

It seems like there's this hierarchal system where the foster parents are in power, and if the mother ever wants to have a relationship or get her OWN CHILD back, she better not make any waves.

I know others have written to clarify, but emotions are also running high on this thread and it can be hard to see through all that. To be clear, the foster parents do not get any say at all about whether and when the mother gets her child back. They are not in charge of the case (actually, they are legally considered a third party without any interest in the case) and have absolutely no say in the outcome. If mom does the work she needs to do, and the courts believe that the progress has been sufficient to make the home environment marginally safe (or better), she will get her daughter back.

I have been a foster parent for many years. I have seen and supported kids going home, and I have also adopted two children who didn't get to go home. Do you want to know the difference between the two kinds of cases? After years and many cases, this is the one and only difference I have seen between things swinging toward reunification vs. termination:

1. In cases that lead to termination, the parents believe that everyone but them is in control of the case. They believe their fate is at the mercy of the system.

2. In cases that lead to reunification, the parents understand that even though their child is temporarily out of their day-to-day control, they hold the greatest power of anyone in the case. They have a legal right to their child so long as they can maintain a marginally safe home. No one else in the case can say that. No one. And no one can make that happen but them. There are numerous legal protections in place to keep them from an unjust loss of rights to the child. In fact, the system is designed so that a case can be drug out for years (three in dd's case) *just* to make sure the parents don't lose rights without due cause.

In cases that lead to reunification, parents do not spiral into thinking of themselves as being at the mercy of others. They accept that they have caused their situation and that they have the same power to dig themselves out. They work the plan they are given with diligence. During visits, they focus on *their* relationship with the child, not all the aspects of the child's life that are out of their control. They are focused, and they are a force to be reckoned with.

I have been in the courtroom when with great praise from the judge, a mother is recognized for all the work she has done, and is granted custody of her children again. There is nothing, I say, NOTHING more elating than watching that.

But the secret formula is always the relinquishment of the victim mentality. I have never, ever seen a case successful in reunification when the parent maintained the belief that the foster parents, or the social workers, or even the judges, hold everything in their hands. Never.

In the case of my niece, the foster parents seem to have it in their mind that this is their daughter and they will be able to adopt her.

Well, if they have any power at all, it will not last. When one of the relatives seeks custody, or the mother makes sufficient progress in her case, any illusion of power on the part of foster parents will be stripped.

My SIL is determined to get her back or to at least have her daughter live with family. There's going to be conflict in that situation no matter what.

When a foster parent is told by a social worker that it looks like they will be asked to adopt the child in their care, they start a journey that I have heard aptly called "legal schizophrenia." The foster parent has the incredibly painful and difficult task before them of both supporting reunification efforts and also preparing to be a family together with the child they are parenting 24-7. The foster parent must be of those two minds silmultaneously, and it can be absolutely insanity-making, even when the foster parent goes in knowing that this will be their task (many times they don't, and adoption is something brought up instead by the social worker to a family otherwise prepared for straight-fostering). Every foster parent deals with it differently, but surely whatever the foster parent does, it will be wrong in some way.

If the child doesn't bond in the foster family, the child's capacity for attachments whether through reunification or adoption is diminished. If the child bonds with the foster family, it will feel threatening to the child's family.

I try to be respectful, but I personally tend to error a little more on the side of the former rather than the latter because it involves the longterm well-being of the child and has a positive impact on the child regardless of the outcome of the case. This will look differently for a two year old vs. a four year old. It will also look differently depending on the parenting the child has previously had (a child whose home life has been filled with terrible neglect for example will need a stronger push toward bonding than one whose parents didn't neglect the child for drugs or whatever). What you are describing could be appropriate in the case of a two year old depending on the facts of the case, which none of us have access to (even with the mom signing a disclosure agreement, some facts will be withheld from you as well).

[Smithie]

queenjane wrote:

"I had a fd for a couple of months, and presumably for quite a while a relative was working to get her (she had the other sibs) but no one told ME that, and after nearly two months with no visits with anyone, no contact, nothing i was starting to think maybe it WOULD be an adoption situation, then she was moved in one day."

See, this is just insane and cruel. WTF was your social worker thinking? How could it possibly be healthy for any of the parties involved to create a situation where a kinship placement is a SURPRISE that just happens one day out of the blue?

OP, the other posters are right that your niece's foster parents do not have the power in this situation and are not the enemy. But if both you and another relative are open to adopting, for their own good the foster parents should really be told that. Otherwise they are going to feel "snuck up on" and like "their baby" was taken without notice, when in point of fact the family had always intended to retrieve their niece/granddaughter/cousin/whatever from foster care and had been working towards that goal from day one.

My dad and his sisters were taken away from their mother by the state and adopted by their uncle and his wife. As adults, they are very, very glad that they did not lose their place within their extended birthfamily. IMO this is definitely worth some serious persistence on your part. The foster parents are owed honesty and appreciation, but I don't like the implication I've gotten from some posters that your family should back off and leave your niece to be adopted by her foster family if your SIL can't get it together. That is craziness. Your niece would be so, so lucky not to lose her entire birthfamily in this mess.

[Polliwog]

Smithie, I don't think that's what most posters are saying. I know I didn't realize at first that the child had only been in care for a month. We all get that a children who are placed with us may go to relatives relatively soon after they come to us. But, it's also true that if the mother isn't the one who wants to have the child moved out of state, that's not as likely happen. She'd be giving up her visitation rights (since the OP said the mother would probably not move there herself.)

[angie6191]

I am a long time lurker here, but i just wanted to jump in because I am a foster parent and I have had my current children for two years. They are still in the reunification process even though we have had them since the baby was a newborn. The 8 year old ASKED me in therapy after just one month of living with us if she could call me mommy. The two year old has always called us mommy and daddy, as is natural for him with us providing all of his needs. I try at every turn to be respectful of their mom, and we had a communication binder in which I would ask her about specific things such as hair care, or just to let her know of any progress they were making. Sadly, I do not use that binder any longer because it was never used by her. The one and only time she used it was to berate me and "keep it real" with me that she and only she was their mother and she would always be their mother. I have compassion for her, I really do, but I really take offense after all this time that I hould be considered as a mere babysitter for these children that i would give my own life for. Nothing I do is right, I can't clothe them, feed them, take care of their hair, or skin according to her. The focus is ALWAYS on me and what I am not doing for them, NOT her and what she should be doing to complete her case plan. I am sorry for your situation, i really am, and I feel for all of you involved, especially that precious baby. But I have to say that coming from my perspective, those foster parents probably do not think they are in control of the situation and are only doing their best to provide this little one with love, safety, and stability while they are able to so so. Being a foster parent is opening your heart up for the most out of control emotional ride, and even though we learned about it in our classes, there was simply no lesson that could have taught us just how difficult it is to walk that line of supporting RU and advocating for the best interest of the children at the same time. After two years what I have sadly learned is that is NOT about their best interest, but rather an exhaustive effort to reunify the family. Which very well may be in their best interest, but when does it stop? Ahh, so sorry to have gone off on my own tangent, I do sympathize for this family and do not mean to sound harsh, but just wanted to share my experience...