Need advice/perspective/slap. Re:abuse.

[Pinka9]

First off let me say that I am aware I have some issues to deal with regarding my post. I know that and am currently trying to figure out how to do that. I was abused as a small child and because of that my perspective on this is very skewed.
I am posting under a different user name as well.
Onto the issue- a few days ago I noticed a small white spot on my dds (almost 2) private area. I didn't think much of it and wiped it off. Then later and for a day or two after she appeared to have pain in her vagina. The inside part did appear to be red, but no other issues. I googled that and about the white spot earlier. Of coursethe first thing to come up was sexual abuse. Now I can't separate the warning signs and what's actually happening. There have been no other indications before, but this week she hasn't wanted anything to do with DH (very unusual), she has been very clingy to me and whiny and won't let her dad do anything with her. The only person dd is around alone is dh. I have NO reason to ever ever think that he would do that. None. But being as I have issues with abuse, a part of me thinks anyone is capable of it.
Am I right for being concerned or am I totally crazy for even suspecting something like this. Please, no flames, I'm doing the best I can.

[aris99]

Hi,

I know very little about abuse of this nature so I can't help in that area. What I do have some experience w/is children of your dd's age suddenly w/out or seemingly w/out reason (I'm sure they have a reason that's clear to them) preferring one parent over the other. It can often be a VERY strong attachment to one parent but it's just a stage and they quickly pass through it.

As for white spots and a red appearance of the vagina...I'd say a yeast infection...certainly no reason to assume abuse. I do not think you are crazy at all esp. if you have suffered at the hands of another in this way but these 2 criteria are very common in young children that haven't been abused so it is very possible that everything is ok. Just a different perspective.

[lotusdebi]

Have you taken her to the pediatrician to get checked out?

I believe in honoring your instincts. I know it can be hard to separate your past from your instincts in cases like this, though. I think you should take your child to the doctor for an exam as soon as possible if you haven't already.

[Beene]

First of all, I want to commend you on being so sharp and so concerned in regards to your daughter. Too many women not only ignore any hint of a problem, but sweep any serious clues under the rug.If I wasn't in quick reply mode, I would give you a hug.

If this was my daughter, I would have it checked out by a ped. Don't say anything about your DH or anything, but do mention that you suspect a yeast infection or maybe irritation from her bubble bath... Tread lightly. But, the ped needs to check out her hymen and look for signs of abuse. It sucks having to go to a doctor to deal with something so terrifyingly seemingly impossible, but if your instincts tell you it may be even the slightest bit of a possibility, you are doing the right thing. You cannot be blamed for being *too* careful, especially in light of your own experience.

I went to school with a woman that had two children with a man who showed all of the signs of being sexually abusive, and all of her friends were creeped out by him, but she simply didn't think anything was off. One day she walked in on him and her three year old DD in the act in the kitchen. Without blinking, she had put him in prison and now lives a happy life with a kind and loving man who adores her kids and treats them all like queens. I think it's great that you are so vigilant and that you're there for your DD. Likely it is a slight infection from a wash, or maybe she was playing with herself or something. But if it's anything more than that, she will forever be grateful to her loving mother for being her savior.

Good luck, mama, and again, I think you are very loving and courageous!

[becoming]

I agree with the others regarding taking her to the doctor. Definitely do NOT mention anything to the doctor about suspecting your husband. I'm betting this is a yeast infection & separation anxiety from you coming at the same time coincidentally, but it's good that you're concerned.

[Kidzaplenty]

I agree that it sounds like possibly yeast. But the doc should take a look. I am not sure how, but I would think a doc could tell the difference between yeast and abuse.

[Swan3]

Couldn't read and not reply. Honour your instincts and take her to get checked out, be with her as much as possible until you can figure out what's happening. Saying prayers for you tonight that it's nothing...I can't imagine how difficult it must be to even imagine this might be possible. Hugs.

[Pinka9]

Thank you all for the replies. I was hoping you would say I was crazy though...
I will get her to the pedi as soon as possible, tomorrow if they will see us. This will cause another issue because she is terrified of the doctors and will likely put herself into hysterics getting checked out. However it needs to be done.
Thanks again.

[baltic_ballet]

I wouldn't make any accusations against your husband until you've been to the doctor and know for sure it's not just a yeast infection, if you accuse your DH and your wrong it could seriously damage your relationship with you husband.

Originally Posted by aris99

I know very little about abuse of this nature so I can't help in that area. What I do have some experience w/is children of your dd's age suddenly w/out or seemingly w/out reason (I'm sure they have a reason that's clear to them) preferring one parent over the other. It can often be a VERY strong attachment to one parent but it's just a stage and they quickly pass through it.

I agree - it's normal for kids to go through a period when they prefer one parent to another - it could be that you spend the most time with her so she more attached to you.

[mamazee]

It sounds like a yeast infection to me, but you can take her to the doctor to have that looked at. If the doctor thinks it's something more, she/he will tell you.

[Pinka9]

I can't get her in anywhere yet. The one doctor in town who takes our insurance is booked until next week. Sigh.

I thought yeast infection at first, or something similar. I just think it's odd that at the same time she wants nothing to do with Dh (even at 5 am when he tried to change her diaper), and has been very clingy. She never does that with Dh. She always wants him. She also doesn't seem to be in much pain now...and I didn't think yeast infections would go away on their own?

Thanks for the replies.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by mamazee

It sounds like a yeast infection to me, but you can take her to the doctor to have that looked at. If the doctor thinks it's something more, she/he will tell you.

That. I am in the "you are overthinking this, and you shouldn't mention it to anybody" camp. But, take her to the doctor and see what he says.

[tanyam926]

IME yeast infections don't just go away on their own, so it could def be a yeast infection. Also, IME it can hurt more or less from day to day.

I agree w/all of the other wise mamas who say go to the ped and ask about a yeast infection.

Also, my boys have suddenly gone through phases where they only want me.

So, basically you are a very wise and wonderful mama who is doing the right thing. Also remember that if she is uncomfortable and in pain from a yeast infection she may be cranky and only want you to take care of her just bc of the pain/discomfort issue. My boys do that too.

Hang in there mama, everything will be okay, no matter what happens. You are strong and your love for your daughter will help you do the right thing (no matter what that is).

[Marylizah]

Just another thought-- if it is a yeast infection, she might be clingier because she's uncomfortable. DS is always super clingy when he's not feeling good or something is bothering him...

I hope you get some resolution soon. Best wishes to you.

[josie423]

Do you have any other reasons to suspect your husband? Maybe something in his character or the way he cares for your daughter?

I hope you get this all figured out soon!

[sarahsmiles]

Not to discount your concerns, but DD has a frequent problem with both redness and irritation. Her old pediatrician was not worried and said it was a frequent problem when girls especially begin to use the potty. They have more wetness since they are trying to clean themselves. "It's a hygiene issue" is how he characterized it. She also has occasionally what looks for all the world like discharge to me, but again, he said as long as it's not foul smelling or anything it's likely not a yeast infection. We try to limit the bubble baths when it flares up and she's usually fine.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Pinka9

I can't get her in anywhere yet. The one doctor in town who takes our insurance is booked until next week. Sigh.

I thought yeast infection at first, or something similar. I just think it's odd that at the same time she wants nothing to do with Dh (even at 5 am when he tried to change her diaper), and has been very clingy. She never does that with Dh. She always wants him. She also doesn't seem to be in much pain now...and I didn't think yeast infections would go away on their own?

Thanks for the replies.

My kids have all gone through a stage where you would think that dh was regularly torturing them. Ds2 tells him "I hate you!" when he tries to help him and he doesn't want him to. Dh is far gentler than me, but just not around as much. So I think that part of it is very, very normal.

You might mention it to dh and feel him out a little bit. See what his reaction is.

[Llyra]

I can imagine that carrying something like this around inside you must be really scary. I can't imagine having my trust in my DH undermined by suspecting something like that. I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any other reason to be concerned about your DH in this sense? That must be really hard for you to be doubting him, especially if you two normally have an open and trusting relationship.

I don't think I'd say anything to anybody yet, least of all him. I would keep a hawk's eye on your child, of course, and look for medical advice as soon as you can get it. But I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions. (I know that's easy to say, and not so easy to actually do.)

I don't have any specific advice, except that one of my DD's has recurrent redness and irritation because of poor "wiping" habits. It can happen even to a child still in diapers if a little bit of feces got into her vulva. And both of my girls get irritation from their little "self-explorations." Irritation can also come from tight undies, damp undies, or a wet diaper not changed quickly enough. All three of mine have also gone through Daddy-avoiding phases. So chances are, everything is just as it should be. But I can see that with your past, you would be very worried. I think in your position, I might consider going to the ER or an urgent care clinic, even if that seems a little over-the-top. Chances are they can set your mind at ease.

My twins' ped once told me that she sees at least one little toddler or preschool girl every single day, whose mother is concerned about genital irritation or redness, and that almost universally, the problem is related to poop and wiping, or to bubble bath.

Wow, what a tough thing to be holding inside.

[Pinka9]

Thanks again for all the replies. I feel a lot better having posted this and seen the replies.

No I don't have ANY reason to suspect dh. He has never done anything to make me, or anyone else, feel uncomfortable. He is a wonderful man, and if I were a different person, it would never even enter my mind.
After reading the replies, I feel much better about the situation. I think I am letting my past control what I'm thinking. I will, of course, still go to the doctor and practice caution until then.
Thanks again.

[Theoretica]

Mama you're getting a lot of great advice, I want to second what most have said about this age and this particular issue not necessarily being abuse.

My 20 month old is slowing down her nursing and her urine is more concentrated. She gets bouts of mild to moderate diaper rash in what she calls her 'specials' and it pretty much is redness and irritation that is uncomfortable and sometimes itchy (I think she's had a yeast issue recently also). During this time she HATES diaper changes, HATES her dad, HATES anything that isn't clinging to me like a monkey. Then, seemingly randomly, she will be fine for a while and then BAM...back to being uncomfortable.

Would you be able to let her sit in an Epsom salt bath and just soak? What about going diaper free for a few hours at a time? Definitely don't 'mess' with the area, but my gut based on your post is it's a whole lot of coincidence in a short time, and everything will be fine in the end. Definitely get a ped to check it out if you feel it's warranted, but be cautious not to 'lead' them into suspecting abuse. They will check the hymen area when they examine the genitals anyways, it's normal as part of the exam for that sort of issue.

It sounds like you are a very attentive mama with your entire family's best interests at heart, and I totally understand struggling with past abuse issues and how they interfere with (and benefit!) parenting our children. Good luck on this journey, I think you're really handling this with a level head/heart and going in the right direction, as opposed to blind reactionary panic (which would be VERY tempting!).



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