Looking for help/advice re: Leaving

[~Nikki~]

I won't get into all the details, but after 5 years of trying to leave - mainly due to trust issues from him cheating in the past among other things - I've finally had enough and am leaving. We have two kids. We're married. In Ontario, if that makes a difference, law-wise.

I'm so overwhelmed with the "what next" part. I don't know what to expect, where to turn, what to do, where to look for resources. I'm staying with a friend right now, but will be home again next week to sit down and start working out the details. I've known I was going to leave for awhile now, but wanted to wait until after Christmas for the sake of the kids. So we'll be keeping the discussions and arrangements to a minimum until the new year, I'm sure. But I want to start preparing myself for what to expect, now.

We don't have a lot of belongings together. We don't own our house. We have a car, which I'm happy to let him have. He's going to fight for the kids. I know this now. He's completely incapable of caring for them alone. I picked up the kids last night to have a visit with them, and it was evident that they haven't been bathed since I've been gone. They were in dirty clothes. They were unhappy and wanted to come with me. I need my babies. I thought I'd be able to handle split custody, but when it comes down to it, I can't live without them. I can't deal with the thought of them being raised by a person who sees them as a burden, and rushes through everything with them, to get back to his videogames. He won't even read them stories at night, which devistates them. He's not a bad dad, but he's an indifferent dad.

I can't even wrap my head around where to begin with this, so any tips on websites or resources, or even books to read to help the kids deal with the aftermath. Any help is appreciated. I'm brand new at this divorce thing.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi Nikki...first off This is such a hard thing to tackle.

Here are few things that might generate a brainstorm for you:
a) the financial aspect:
- What do you own together? The car...what about furniture? How will that be split up?
-What debts do you have separately and/or together?
-What income do you have coming in, and is that sufficient to support both you and your two children? Would your STBX be paying you alimony (does he make more than you?).
-What kind of place can you afford?

b) Geographical stuff
- Where would you live with your kids? Why can you and the kids stay in the house and your STBX move out? It would be easier for your children if they stayed in the same home.
-If you do move, would it be close to your STBX's place, or close to their school?

c) Custody stuff
Seeing as I'm also in Canada, I thought I could tell you what I've learned so far. From my research, and from what I've been told by my lawyer, Canada is a strong supporter of father's rights. This means that the courts generally lean towards granting shared physical custody or some plan that gradually works towards shared custody.

It can be worked out in many different ways...half the week, or one week on, one week off. This really depends on the age of the children and who has been their primary caregiver. Ask the other mamas here who've BDTD how they've set up their visitation and custody. Also, it doesn't have to start out as totally 50/50; you could start with you having physical custody and your STBX having visitation that gradually increases in length and frequency, so the kids can get used to the situation.

If I were you, I'd see about getting one of those free legal consultations, just to get an idea about what your options are legally.

Hope this helps!

[Theia]

I'm speaking based on what happens in the US. Even if you are looking at sharing custody as much as 50/50, you will still want to have primary custody/primary caregiver status. I'm guessing Canada has something like this also. So that means when you leave, the kids go with you to set up your new home and you let xDh have visits, or he leaves and you and DC stay in your existing home. In the US it seems that it is important to be the one already giving primary care before trial date in order to continue to be the primary caregiver. So if this applies to Canada, find a way to work it into your plans.

Best wishes for you.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi Nikki,

I found this info online and thought it might clarify things with regards to what Theia posted.

http://www.justanswer.com/questions/...t-guardianship

This is something you should explore and discuss with a lawyer, and perhaps in mediation with your husband. Since you have been the primary caregiver, you could get primary residence whether you live in the house you now have, or in an apartment. Your husband would get visitation, as well as shared legal custody (he'd have input on all decisions made regarding the children).

[~Nikki~]

Been a few weeks since my first post, and more than a few updates to share.

We went with 50/50 custody for the time being. Nothing is in writing yet. One week on, one week off. The original plan was that we would keep our (rented) family home together for January and February. I would pay half the bills for these two months. I would have the house and kids for one week, and he'd have the house and kids for the next. This seemed a resonable arrangement for the "transition period", so that I wasn't removing the kids from the home right away. He decided he wanted to keep the house. It's close to schools/daycares/his parents/etc. And because I'm leaving him, he's pushing to keep pretty much everything, including the car. For that reason I told him that for Jan/Feb I won't be paying for the car payments or insurance, as he's keeping the car without paying out half. I was fine with this arrangement.

Unfortunately, it's become messy. I picked up the kids on a Friday for an outing to a movie, because I missed them. I dressed them, took them for dinner/movie, returned them. On Sunday I showed up for the beginning of "my" week at the house with the kids. They were still in the same clothes as Friday. Smelled, were unwashed. I asked what they had had for lunch, and whether they were hungry. They had not eaten. Said they had chips. I took them for dinner as there was no food in the house, and bought groceries. At 11pm, STBX showed up and said "I can't do this. I want you out of the house. I don't want you here. You make me sick. Call for a ride and get the kids and you out. You can't be here on your weeks." I put my foot down and said I wasn't uprooting them in the middle of the night, right before their first day back at school, no less...and told him to leave. The next day I had to pack a bag and bring them to the partial house I'm renting....where nothing is kid-ready.

It's a shock for them. A shock for me, too. This week has been difficult to say the least. I've been running around buying carseats, clothes (so much was missing when I tried to pack), my parents purchased beds for them and are shipping them up but for now they're sleeping with me. Such a mess.

On top of this, he expects me to still pay for half the bills for January and February because, in his words "You left me. I'm stranded. I need to think about me. You're legally obligated to pay half of everything."

None of the bills are in my name. I'm on the lease, that's it.

I went over after payday this week and paid him for half of rent, and half of our phone/cell/cable/internet bill, which was in arrears and about to be shut off, leaving me phoneless. I don't want to pay anything else. I was left with $500 to last me until my next pay. I have access to our joint account online, and can see he has $2800 in the account plus another $1000 check he's sitting on and refuses to cash because it was a gift to both of us and he refuses to give me half. But he's "hurting for money" and insists I come back Sunday to pay the rest of my half of the monthly bills.

I don't even know how I'm going to be able to pay for food/gas with what's left. =(

I just don't know what to do. I'm going on Monday to see if I can get free legal advice. I just feel so lost.

[Halfasianmomma]

Oh Nikki...I hope you realize that he's being plain horrid and selfish about this. I'm sending you as many virtual hugs as I can muster



Here are a few thoughts:
*He is punishing you for leaving him, but you left due to HIS infidelity. True? Please remember this when he tries to turn things around on you.
*Regardless of who is to blame for the end of the relationship, you have children to think of. His whole "I need to think about me" schpiel is entirely selfish. He needs to think about his children and their need for love, stability and the basic essentials of life.
*Since you have already left and paid him half of the bills, and since your name is NOT on those bills, and since he has put you in a very tight spot by asking you and his children to leave and making you spend money on childcare essentials, I don't think you should paid him a penny more. Keep your money. HE asked YOU to leave; he can take care of the consequences of his rash choice.
*Yes, please, get a lawyer right away. You might be able to get help in filing a temporary order for support.

Please keep us posted on what happens...

*Hugs*

[Theia]

Originally Posted by ~Nikki~

On top of this, he expects me to still pay for half the bills for January and February because, in his words "You left me. I'm stranded. I need to think about me. You're legally obligated to pay half of everything."

None of the bills are in my name. I'm on the lease, that's it.

I went over after payday this week and paid him for half of rent, and half of our phone/cell/cable/internet bill, which was in arrears and about to be shut off, leaving me phoneless. I don't want to pay anything else. I was left with $500 to last me until my next pay. I have access to our joint account online, and can see he has $2800 in the account plus another $1000 check he's sitting on and refuses to cash because it was a gift to both of us and he refuses to give me half. But he's "hurting for money" and insists I come back Sunday to pay the rest of my half of the monthly bills.

I don't even know how I'm going to be able to pay for food/gas with what's left. =(

I just don't know what to do. I'm going on Monday to see if I can get free legal advice. I just feel so lost.

Bolding mine. He needs to think about himself? What about the children? Oh I want to go on a rant but doubt that would be helpful to you. I'm so sorry this has gotten so bad.

Document everything that is happening right now. Since you have internet access to the joint account is there anyway you can print it off to show the current balance and expenses to keep as documentation? Keep receipts of all the bills you just paid. If it is a joint account, can you go to the bank to make a withdrawl? In my experience with a joint account I simply wasn't able to remove the other person from the account with out their permission even though I was the primary account holder.

On the check he is sitting on.... is there anyway you can ask the person who issued it to cancel the check (forgetting the actual terminology for it) so it won't be payable when he takes it to the bank and them have them reissue 2 separate checks, 1 for each of you? This might cost the person who wrote the check a fee (in the US it's around $25 depending on the bank), but they could just deduct the amount of the fee from his half of the check for all the hassle.

I agree with halfasianmomma, don't give him a penny more. If you aren't able to get free legal assistance, I would still go for a consult with an attorney (or several) to get as much legal advice for your situation as possible. Some will do consults for free. One I went to was going to charge me $40 for the consult but only charged me $20.

Sending you 's and strength.

[~Nikki~]

Thanks for the tips. I'm already documenting everything pretty throrougly, diary style. Keeping track of visits. Even what I feed them when they're with me. I'd rather have too much info than not enough. I'm also keeping track of the state of the home/the kids/etc when I pick them up. Receiving them unbathed and starving, from a home where the only visible food is a bowl full of black fruit, is unacceptable.

I also have photos of his "budget book", though I'm not sure the legalities of having those. The reason I looked into is was because my "half" of the bills he was requesting seemed pretty high. And I was correct to think that. I'm also concerned because he called me this week with a story about how a job just fell in his lap that day, and he needs to go away to his father's workshop to do the job next weekend (his weekend with the kids), and he COULD take the kids but it wouldn't be fair to them because they'd be bored...and he might have to travel all the way to the city if the shop turns out to be too small for the job. Etc. etc. etc. So can I please take them on his weekend. He has to make a living after all. I left him stranded.

I have a copy of the page of his budget book stating that he's going to Boston that weekend, to see a woman who he's had an online relationship with for the better part of a year, although he still denies it to this day. There's also a trip outlined for March for the Honduras, to see another woman I KNOW he was with this past year. Anyone want to take bets on whether I'll receive a phone call begging me to take the kids for a few weeks so he can go away for work?

I'm not paying half the bills. I'm subsidising sex trips. He's not hurting for money at all! His public blog entries full of BS and lies clearly outline that he's swimming in money because work is so good right now. And he can work overtime on the weeks he doesn't have the kids. But but but....I left him stranded so I have to pay half his bills....

My parents bought beds for the kids and are shipping them up because they know I'm so short on cash that the though of furnishing rooms for them is just impossible right now. My aunt called and said to let her know when I need any help at all. My sister is offering to pay for a train ticket so I can go up there for a weekend away when I don't have the kids for his "work weekends." A friend offered to pay for a lawyer because he knows I can't possibly afford one. I'm hurting and can barely support my kids on what he leaves me after he cleans out my account each pay...and he's planning 3 separate trips to be with 3 separate woman (mentioned a montreal trip on his blog this morning) within the next 3 months.

I'm beyond frustrated.

[Halfasianmomma]

Wow Nikki..what a /$%?&* (insert various insulting terms here). You are totally right to be frustrated, angry, hurt, furious, etc.

I sincerely hope that you are taking every offer for help that comes your way. If there's a time to rely on friends and family, it's now! See a lawyer asap and get the ball rolling, to protect yourself and your children. I just saw my second lawyer today (first one didn't know what she was doing), and though it cost me 89$ for the consult, it's the best money I've spent in a long time because I now know what my rights are, what I can realistically expect, and how to proceed. I do hope that you're able to find a similar sense of security by getting information on what to do in your situation. The fact that your STBX was unfaithful might actually expedite the divorce proceedings (where I live, it's one of the reasons that can be quoted to get the ball rolling on the divorce decree).

Good luck and keep us posted!

[josybear]

lawyer. now. get legal aid, get a lawyer. this man is using you harshly. the best way to stop it is to get legal representation.

[ExOfficia]

Whether it's intentional or not, he's bullying you. You need to push back and stand up for yourself, while staying calm. This is hard, but effective. Having a lawyer that you've run things through will REALLY help. If you haven't done so already, get one right now. Try to get someone who is does mediation and ideally also practices collaborative law. Even if you don't use those processes, they take a much more interests-based (being the kids mainly) approach.

He can't use the excuse of you being the one to screw you over.

That's not right. Not at all.