Struggling with spirituality out of fear

[sellendie]

Sorry in advance for the lengthy post. To give a little background, my father was a strict, Independent Baptist minister for most of my youth. In my late teens, I really began to feel less and less like the Baptist church is where I belonged. I moved out of the state and quit attending church. I continued to lie about my attendance to my family for many years.

Fast forward to present day - Over the past few years, I felt like I really needed to bring spirituality back into my life. It has been quite a struggle since then. DH is a Christian, though not devout. When we were first married, a couple years ago, I tried to make the decision to just be Christian, because that would be best for raising children, etc. But when we moved back to my home town where my parents live, I found a reason to dislike every Christian church that we visited, and we visited from Eastern Orthodox to Unity churches.

I have really begun evaluating things, and I feel that I am afraid to explore things in the direction that I feel pulled to, which is the more Pagan (and I use that term loosely) side of spirituality, because I am afraid that in the end, Christians are right and I will end up spending an eternity in hell, even though I don't think I really believe that any more. So my question is...where do you find the confidence in your intuition to follow your heart when it the mountain of fear is so large, and also, how do you deal with a VERY Christian family (on both sides) while exploring?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read!

[Luke's mama]

sounds like you already have the tools you need: like you said, just follow your intuition! Christianity has become so distorted--Jesus never said anything about hell fire and condemnation. His whole message was about love and inclusiveness, and so are most enduring religions at their core when not misinterpreted by ignorant people. What people do and say in the name of Christianity is incredible, and frankly, horrifying. What helps me deal with more traditional Christians is using or not fighting their terminology, but just understanding that what I mean when I use the word God and what they mean are not necessarily the same. If you think of God as love, it will be easier to agree with a lot of what family members say.

[SunshineJ]

Regardless what path you choose or where your wanderings take you, always remember that your personal beliefs and faith are just that - yours. You are NOT obligated to discuss them with anyone. You are NOT obligated to share your feelings with anyone. You are NOT required to justify yourself to anyone. As far as family goes, tell them nothing about your current journey (until you find your "spot" and feel you can comfortably share - which may be never) and redirect the conversation any time it comes up. Your faith is your business only.

[mntnmom]

It takes a while! Most of us go through a process when we leave our faith of origin. For me doubt was definately a step I had to go through. It really helped to examine the beliefs I had been raised with critically. After I got a handle on the contradictions in the Bible, and all the things we are taught that aren't even there, it was a lot easier to focus on finding what I DO believe. Good Luck, it sounds like you are well on your way, regardless of where you end up!
And I advise you to keep things t yourself at first. As they make more sense, share with DH. I still can't talk to my mom about anything religious, and I "de-converted" over a decade ago.

[sellendie]

Thanks so much for the encouragement ladies! It is amazing how much that helps alone. It seems that the general consensus is to keep this a private matter for the time being. DH is very aware of my struggles, and while not involved, very supportive. I have always participated in religion, and it is a hard thing to turn your back - feels much like taking off a life jacket to see if I can swim. I've come to realize though, that my spiritual practice has always been for everyone else...never for myself. It is hard to know where to start.

[lotus.blossom]

I have a very similar situation! I grew up in a very cult like independant baptist church. Very controlling, very exclusive. I have ALWAYS been the rebel. Questioning it and eventually leaving it. I too moved away from my family, married an "unsaved" man and now I am back in my hometown surrounded by my family who are all christians, and all my old "friends" from church are still plodding along in their christianity. Always taking little stabs to convert me. I usually handle it well yet retain my boundaries.

I too have a thread of fear leftover from my childhood. I don't know how it would be possible not to have that. I mean my most impressionable years were destroyed! Its also very hard to reassure my family, who are all just so concerned that I am going to go to hell. My dh laughs about it because to them hell is real but he doesn't believe in it so he jokes that he wants to go there......since all of his departed family is supposedly there.

Something that helps me, is that if you look at the big picture. Most of the world is going to be in hell. It just so happens that we are surrounded by christianity. But there are so many people with their own interpretations of God and eternity. I just don't think that hell is big enough for us all!

But honestly, I have been reading the bible and researching a lot on the internet and figuring out what I do believe rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. I am picking through the Bible with new eyes and trying to understand it as a history book rather than the end all be all inspired word of GOD. Its pretty neat-o actually.