Is it my place to comment on this, and if so how do I do it??

[just_lily]

I have a boy in my home daycare, "L", who is 3.5yo. I have had him for nearly a year now, full-time, about 9 hours a day.

His mom is a single-mom, and his dad is not in the picture at all. He lives in a different country, along with all paternal relatives, and this has been the case since the L was a young toddler. There is also an 8yo sister.

Mom works full-time, and is also involved in a lot of other activities. She is a very active woman and takes part in several sports in the evenings. She also likes to go out with friends, and does this most weekends.

L has always been a challenging kid, but nothing too serious. Mainly normal kid stuff, but up a notch. I have been noticing lately that his behaviour tends to be much worse on the days after his mom has been out the night before. I pretty much always know when she is going someplace because she will tell him that he is going to auntie's house for a sleepover because she is going out, or that a babysitter is coming because she has curling, etc. etc. And then the next morning she drops me off a miserable child (and she knows he is miserable, she'll always comment as she drops him off).

Mom has also made several comments to me that L has become a lot more clingy and whiney at home. She has also told me that he doesn't sleep well when she is out, and is usually still awake when she gets home.

I really suspect that L needs to spend more time with his mom, both so he can get some good sleep, and just because being with mom is important. He doesn't see her all day, and she is leaving him at least two weeknights, and most weekend-nights every week. She is his only parent, and I think that is making things extra tough for him.

I don't think she has made the connection between her going out, and L's behaviour the next day. I have been thinking if I should maybe say something in a non-judgmental way. Is it possible? Is it my place? Should I just shut my trap?

I have a very good relationship with Mom and we both respect each other. I still don't want to offend her or anything. I know she has a deep need to stay active and have a "life" outside of her kids, but I can't help but think that L would be better off if she could put some of her recreational activities on hold for a while.

I was thinking about maybe just saying "have you noticed that mornings tend to be tougher after you have left the kids with a sitter the night before?"

Thoughts?

[tessie]

I don't think it's your place to say anything. At most commenting that he seemed tired might be acceptable but it's not your job to comment on her parenting.

[MCR]

If you have a good relationship with her I'd say it. Maybe she hasn't connected the dots, she's too close to see that he's having a hard time.

[EviesMom]

I *might* make a comment in passing that he seems crankier after his "night away from home" but I would *not* comment on that he's away bc of her own night out or her parenting. Otherwise I would just work on strengthening the child's sense of security, talk about things he's done with mom, etc.

[pauletoy]

If you want to continue to keep him, I would not say anything.

[Musubi]

A friend and I ran an infant/toddler program out of her house, and we had to bring up "touchy" subjects to parents from time to time. We did it because we cared, not because we wanted to criticize their parenting. And because we had such a great rapport with our parents, they knew that anything we said was out of sincerity.

I think there's a way to go about it without being offensive or seemingly judgmental. Some parents either genuinely don't understand why their child is acting out or have a clue but need affirmation. The mom most likely knows that her going out is affecting her son, but doesn't want to have to cut out her fun time.

I used to go the route of cluelessness. "Oh really? He's having a bad morning? Did he sleep well last night?" "When do you notice that he's being super clingy?" Even though I fully knew, I wanted them to say it out loud.

We had a girl whose parents were divorcing. We noticed a HUGE behavior change and although her parents were not helpful, we had to keep letting them know that their behavior was completely affecting their daughter. In a very neutral, non-judgmental way of course.

This boy's mom may also think that because he likes the auntie or sitter, that it's not a big deal and sort of a treat for him.

Poor guy. Good luck!

[SunshineJ]

I'd wait until the next time SHE mentions his being cranky or whatever and just very casually observe "yes, he seems to be this way when you've been out the night before" or something very mild along that line. I'd be completely non-judgemental in my tone and let her put the rest of the pieces together.

[Cherry Alive]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I'd wait until the next time SHE mentions his being cranky or whatever and just very casually observe "yes, he seems to be this way when you've been out the night before" or something very mild along that line. I'd be completely non-judgemental in my tone and let her put the rest of the pieces together.

ITA. A good way to approach it is when she brings up his behavior, ask her a question (ex - "Do you think he's getting upset, because you're going out?"), and then her answer and possibly connect the dots. That way she'll feel like she's figuring it out herself, and that will save her face...as we rarely like to be told what to do.

[uumomma]

yes it is your place, you are his primary care giver during the week.

and it is clear he needs and advocate and you are it. esp. if she is "partying"

i did cc for many many years. and i shared my insight to my families.

the trick is to do it in a kind non judgmental manor, not always easy..

he is counting on you.

[plunky]

Not your place to say anything. She's making different life choices than you.

[limabean]

I agree that you probably shouldn't say anything, but this thread and the "3mo being fed candy" thread make me sad.

[choli]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

I'd wait until the next time SHE mentions his being cranky or whatever and just very casually observe "yes, he seems to be this way when you've been out the night before" or something very mild along that line. I'd be completely non-judgemental in my tone and let her put the rest of the pieces together.

IMO that is the ONLY way that it would be acceptable to comment on this.

[LionTigerBear]

I would feel ethically obligated to comment, although she might be offended. I would try the really gentle, casual, in-passing comment first, and if she didn't seem concerned about making any changes, I would arrange a meeting and be kind but honest, giving her the benefit of the doubt and being very understanding. I agree that you are in the position of responsibility of being an advocate for the child. You have the advantage of seeing the child day to day and possibly an easier time putting the pattern together.

[hippiechickinsing]

I would approach it by asking about the routine on the nights someone else cares for him. You have concerns about his mood/behavior on the days after he's been in alternative care. I think this is a legitimate concern and does not suggest any judgment of the mother on your part, just a desire to work together for the happiness and health of the child in your care.

[MamaChicken]

My nanny has brought things up to me before - "your DS is a little crankier when your DH has to remind him (not so gently) about his chores" or "DD has some real behavior issues on the mornings you leave without waking her up first". Sometimes it is hard to hear, but I need the feedback or nothing would change.

[eepster]

I would only comment, if it comes with an offer of help. Can you help her with working out routines for the babysitters to follow? or some other help. If you just want to try to get her to give up all her evening activities, I don't think you should say anything.

[Alyantavid]

Well, as a working mom whose kids are in daycare, I hate the judgment and parenting advice I've gotten from providers. It may have just been the way it was brought to me, but it always made me feel horrible and like a terrible mother.

I wouldn't bring it up. This is still her child and she gets to make these choices as his mother.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by tessie

I don't think it's your place to say anything. At most commenting that he seemed tired might be acceptable but it's not your job to comment on her parenting.

I agree. She may take offense to it. A lot of moms are perfectly fine living life without their small children and leaving them with someone all the time and not connecting the fact that the child is upset when with the mother because she is away too often. There's nothing you can do about it, unfortunately.

My kids always act different when going to grandmas and spending the day. I had one of my children in child care when younger and they also acted worse at home after being there all day while I worked. That was just while working though. I couldn't imagine doing something in the evenings or weekends after working 40 hours away from my child. I felt like I never had enough time with my child as it was back then (I too was a single mom with my oldest). Thank goodness I got back with my child's father back then, because dating and socializing just wasn't happening. I probably never would have met another man until my kid was a teenager. I worked my 40 hours a week but after that I put my child first - always.

[chinaKat]

I guess a question you could ask yourself is, would you word your comment the same way if you knew the mom was spending those nights away from the child to work a second job, or to care for a sick relative?

What I'm getting at is that you want to be sure you're not being critical of her lifestyle choices, and that your only intent is to be sure that the child is getting enough sleep/time with mom.

How she spends her time is her business.

[HarperRose]

It's your job as the child care provider. Do it gently (nobody likes to feel criticized), but definitely do it.

Someone else suggested posing it in a question. "Have you noticed...?" I'd go with that the next time she brings it up. She says he's cranky and you say, "Yeah [nodding], have you noticed that it happens whenever you've been out the night before?" And then TELL HER, "He may need to spend more time with you."

I had to care for my neighbor's daughter A LOT and the mom ended up taking complete advantage and not spending nearly enough time with her daughter. I was taking care of her even on the mother's time off. (Getting her off the bus and watching her *even though* mom could have adjusted her schedule.) It REALLY affected the little girl in a negative way and the neighbor and I are no longer friends. It was atrocious. The dynamics for my situation are a little different, but the bottom line is that my neighbor wasn't giving enough to her daughter, the same as this little boy you care for.

You definitely need to mention it, but do so gently. If she doesn't get it still, after a few weeks, be a little firmer. You might end up losing the child, but if it's impacting your daycare or your family (as it was for me) it may be better off that way.