Anyone tag team or work without child care?

[Wild Lupine]

I used to be a fully SAHM, but because of finances I am starting to work weekends and a little bit during the week. DH is self employed and can work whenever it suits him, but he tends to need to work about 45-50 hours per week. Also because of finances we cannot use daycare because the cost of daycare for two kids exceeds what I could possibly make (I'm talking inexpensive daycare, not a private nanny). So it looks like we'll be tag teaming for a while: I look after the kids while he works full time, he looks after the kids while I work part time.

Has anyone else done this? If so do you have any tips for staying sane, getting the housework done, finding couple time, getting time to yourself, etc..? So far it seems like life is work, look after kids, sleep (and not nearly enough sleep for my tastes, either).

[purplevega]

I do not work but attend school full time. I always make it touch and go for dh. cloths are layed out for baths or morning. Lunches and snacks are labeled. Both my kids have a clean kanteen with a cover. I fill those with water before bed and put in the fridge so a drink is available to them whenever needed. I try and give down time when ever I can. Like last night we stayed late at my parents so dh could have an hour to himself. He does the same for me. whenever we are home for meals together we sit at the table, even if it only lunch.

I will say that it does get to you and is hard. After 2 years we now will have a nanny starting next week. I will no longer be taking night classes and will only do day classes so we can have a more normal schedual.

HTH

[DangerMom]

We do this, and although it's great that we save money and DS gets to spend so much time with his parents, it sucks, quite honestly. I work days, DH works nights, and we never see each other and both feel like we're going it alone. It's easy for us to grow resentful of the other if we aren't vigilant about not letting that happen.

I long for evenings spent together as a family. I think our lives would be so much more pleasant if we both worked days and had good childcare for DS during the day.

That's my experience, anyway.

[dawningmama]

We do this! I used to work full-time but have been part-time a couple of years now. My dp works the reg M-F daytime work week. He goes in a little early (8ish) & is home by 3:45 on the days I work (3 days a week). I work 4:30 to 10:30, so I'm home in time to get a decent night's sleep and we do get to hang out a bit each evening---doing that before-bed house tidy and such. It was more stressfull when I worked full time (5 nights a week, 4:30 to 1am) and I was sick all the time. We have less $$ now but we're happier and healthier.

[slvsquared]

We tag team, but I work from home which makes it rather unique. DH works day shift, gets home at about 3:30. I usually make dinner or have something laid out for him to cook, we eat around 4. I go upstairs to the office I have set up in the bedroom and work from 4 to midnight or so. We only have one car, which he takes to work in the winter (has a motorcycle for summer), so if there are errands to be done they have to get taken care of on the weekend or in the evenings - sometimes we do this as a family and I just work later at night, sometimes he handles it.

I often end up resenting the amount of housework I do during the day, only to work all evening, but in the long run I think it evens out well. He handles bedtime, meals on the weekends, activities in the evenings, and all the outside stuff - car maintanence, yardwork, etc. I do dishes, laundry, and general pickup during the day.

It's difficult, but we've also tried childcare in the past and weren't really pleased with the results - I was always home when I tried to use a sitter, and it just felt like I was throwing money away, somehow.

[sarahsmiles]

We did this when we had only one child, for about 3 years. DH worked part-time and I worked full-time. At first, he was working 3 evenings a week and one afternoon (we had help from MIL for the afternoon.) It was terrible. We never saw each other, I was stressed from coming home from a full day's work to a very high needs baby/toddler, we shared one car so I couldn't go anywhere even if DD wasn't sleeping, etc.

He switched his hours a while ago to work more on weekends and that was better. I got to do fun things with DD during the weekend and we have evenings together as a family, for the most part.

We would have continued to do it this way indefinitely, but with DS coming along, we knew we couldn't rely on MIL or friends for the occasional "emergency" meeting or other commitment. Plus, I was offered a new job that makes as much of both of us combined, so there you have it.

As others have said, it's very difficult not to see each other. Even things like planning trips or making decisions about house repairs are difficult when all your together time is sucked into what the kid did, whether the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or empty, and who will have dinner on the table when. But, it made sense for us at the time and it can be done!

[cedoreilly]

My Dh works days and I work 3 nights a week 5pm-midnight. When the kids were really young and not going to school, I LOVED it. I was home while they were awake and they were asleep (went to bed between 6:30 and 7pm) when I was at work. Now that my oldest two are in full time school, I don't feel like I really see them on the nights I work and the amount I see them is filled with trying to get homework done and that type of stuff.

Dh and I rarely see each other. Even when we are both at home, we are both catching up on sleep and tag team even then. For us, we don't really mind. Communication is hard and often done over e-mail which is probably not the best way.

Bottom line is right now, it works for what it has to work for (we need the money and putting four kids in afterschool care/daycare is way more than what I earn). I found my currently schedule has put a strain on my relationship with my older two kids right now, though. DH and I actually do better by not seeing each other much. When we take a week off together by the end of the week we are about ready to kill each other.

[Latte Mama]

We also tag team. I work days and usually get home between 3-3:30 pm and DH is out the door. He usually gets home about 10ish. We almost never eat dinner together as a family so that stinks but I do wait up for him so we can chat a bit before I hit the pillow.

It's not easy but it works for us. Sure we'd rather be home together as a family in the evenings but daycare would run us about $1000 give or take. We need the money and DS does get the benefit of spending lots of time with his parents albeit not together.

[babycarrier]

Depending on family dynamics, it can be a great situation or a really crappy one. Seems to fluctuate like we are the luckiest folks to have this schedule and then it just sucks the life out of me. Dh and I have been tag-teaming for 7 years.

I do 2 weeknights 4p-12a and Sat noon- 8p and sunday 4p-mid. he is up and out the door by 4:30a and home by 3:30p. The schedule lets me homeschool our kids. Like someone above said, I think we often feel like we are going it alone though we are in it together. I get resentful because I feel like I do a lot of invisible work that goes unnoticed - or at least not recognized the time it takes to keep things running pretty smoothly. My husband is a great dad and a wonderful guy. He would like me home but the reality is we need the money and benefits I make.

To keep it sane I would suggest recognizing that needs will always change and be fluid about that. Some weeks a lot of fun stuff gets done, house is clean, meals are planned. Some weeks everybody is crabby and things are frustrating. Try to build breaks in the schedule so it is not always a hand off situation. Love each other and communicate about it. It gets easier as they get older. Much easier. Utilize help if offered by family or friends.

Good luck! It is a tough go but I think in our family it has been an example to our kids of how to work together as a family. My husband and I are excited that we've been able to do it this long and hopefully have the opportunity to keep the schedule going since the reality is we both have to work.

[pixiepunk]

we're about to start this in January. He works PT as an adjunct college professor, and i'll be in school FT, for the next 18 months. after that i'll be working FT and for that first year of me working, he's going to have to teach at night only so he can watch our little one. after that she'll be in school during the day so he'll switch to daytimes and we'll get our family evenings back. knowing that it is only for a couple of years is helping us to deal with it. i don't know that i could handle that as a permanent solution. but we feel it's better for the kids (not to mention the budget) if we do it this way. for us it was worse when DH was working a FT day job and then teaching at night. the income was the same basically as it will be once i'm working, but he was dealing with a lot of stress from work, and i was dealing with *everything* on the home front, which was causing me stress too. and the kids were really missing their daddy. so i think in the long run this will work out better for all of us, it's just getting through the couple of rough years to get there!

[Mama~Love]

I just started working 2nd shift at the same place where DH works. I drive the kids with me & put them in DH's vehicle & they wait there for 5 minutes til he comes out. We could never afford daycare either. I try to have a weekly supper menu on the calendar & everything on hand for DH to make supper so it's easier on him. The first week has went well; next week is only 3 days due to Christmas, which is great because we're still getting used to it.

[ALittleBitCrunchy]

We did it for a little over a year. He'd get up and go to work, I would homeschool in the morning, then drive us to his work where we'd swap the kids into his car. They would drive home and I'd go to work. He did 90% of the housework and handled dinner and bed. I did the homeschool, errands, appointments and covered through lunch. They usually had a snack in the car.

It worked really well and not having daycare was wonderful. With the exception of the 5-minute kid swaps, though, we wouldn't see each other from MOnday at bedtime until Saturday afternoon (I worked Tue-Fri night and Sat morning). We'd chat on his lunch hour or on my dinner break, and we'd leave notes for another, but it was rather lonely. Not horrible, just lonely. We don't have the same schedule opportunities now or we would still be doing it. Saving $800 a month in childcare would be fantastic right now.

[LilMomma83]

We've done it off and on.

After DS1 was born we did it and I quit my job because it was so stressful (but I also had PPD)

We started doing it again this past August when I went back to school FT. We were fortunate enough that our kids also go to daycare on some days and we had Thursday afternoons together without our kids - without that I think we would be separated by now because it was our only time to talk and spend time together. We will still be tag teaming a bit from Jan-May, but, we will have several evenings as a family which will help. Really, I just think it is exhausting, expensive (too tired to normal things like CD and cook from scratch or sometimes cook at all), and difficult on the family (especially the marriage). But, it can be done.

We have talked a lot, and as soon as I graduate (in May) our goal is to switch to jobs that are as close to the same schedule as possible, even though our kids will be in daycare more...it's worth it for our family to function better...

[Altair]

We do this and it's hard, but better for the baby in our minds.

I work FT as a teacher during the day, and Sion is home with dad. This started (unfortunately) at 8 weeks-- so Dad is just as much an "expert" on our baby as I am. I don't have to tell him about naps/bottles/frozen breastmilk or anything else, he's just as much in charge of things as I am. I do LOVE that dynamic.

Then I get home and he goes to work every night. We do need an emergency child care option though for days it really doesn't work.

We also miss each other.

[Eeyore35]

I don't tag team, as i"m single, but i work in the childcare room at a gym, and I take my daughter with me.

I also worked as a houskeeper, and took my daughter wth me, when she was 14-22 months old. That was HARD though.

[GuildJenn]

We've done it, and I have to say our family time and our relationship suffered. That's not to say it's not doable. At lot depends on your personality, how stressful the work is, how well you handle switching gears, etc.

But we eventually decided to make other choices and get over our at times irrational unwillingness to involve other caring adults in the care of our son and boy, it has really strengthened all of our relationships. I hadn't realized it but I think our son was starting to react to a sense that he was a 'chore' ("can't you take him for just half an hour more so I can get this done?").

[ShadowMoon]

We do this! Dp and I both work full time and have never done child care. I have an 8-430pm job, Thurs-Mon. When I'm at work, DS is with dad. When I get home, DP gos to work from 5-10pm. On my days off he works during the day while I have DS and we all get to spend those two nights together. On Sundays my mother will watch ds to give DP a day to himself.

It can be a little crazy at times but it has worked out tremendously.

[blizzard_babe]

We do this (or close to it). I work full-time, a regular 9-5 job (well, 8:30-4:30). DH works a half-time job with flexible scheduling. He works two evenings a week, a Saturday and two mornings so he's in the office at the same time his boss is to talk about what he's doing, etc... so we do have to do a few hours of child care every week. It works well, and I feel like (a) we're much more financially secure when it was just me working or than we would be if we were paying a goodly chunk of his salary out to child care, and (b) I like that DS is able to be mostly at home (and his two mornings of childcare a week seem to agree with him).

BUT, there are trade-offs. Neither of us get much down-time... or even shared-DS-duty time. On the days when DH works evenings, we're both either at work or solely responsible for DS. It's very do-able... but we do a lot more cooking big batches on Sundays and then eating them up over the course of the week. DH's only down-time is while DS naps, my only down-time is after he goes to bed. We also have only one car, so whoever is at home is AT HOME, unless that person has given the other person a ride into town, and then plans to go get them after they get off work. Doesn't happen often, as gas is $5 a gallon.

All-in-all, it seems to be working out well. We had to make a "no leaving dishes for the other person" rule, though.

FWIW, we have had to schedule "together" time. Luckily, we have a friend who BEGS to babysit both DS and the dog.

[Altair]

Ahhh I like the "dishes" rule. Negotiating cleaning and cooking is our biggest challenge. Weekends are the only time that we have shared baby duty, during the week I'm at work then have baby until his bedtime, and my partner has baby all day then work. I like to come home to the house as clean as when I left it, but I feel like every day I come home and it's a mess and I have to use my only few hours with the boy cleaning the whole time, then it starts all over again the next day. At least if he were in daycare the house would stay the same as when I left it. I don't think it's fair that I end up cleaning up after them from their day then us from our night.

And neither of us ever has the energy to cook.

The dishes are the least of my problem!

[bobandjess99]

We do this. Dh works outside the home 55-60 hours per week, and I WOH 5-15 hours per week. IT's hard, you do NOT get together time, the house is always a mess and when you are withthe kids, you are with them ALONE since dh has to be working/can't help. LOL..sorry..it's jujst after 5 years of it, I'm really tired of it, and ready to put the kids in daycare so I can work the same hours as my dh, and actyually SEE home when we're both home together.