WOHM - how does it work?!

[neonalee]

It's silly. I'm due with my first in July. And I get 12 weeks maternity. And I think a 4 day work week for a month after or something. So it's almost a year away still, but I just can't wrap my head around how we're going to manage this.

Currently: I get up at 6:15 feed cats and get ready for work, DP gets up at 7. We leave for work at 8. We get home between 6:30 and 7:30 (occasionally later). We feed cats, clean litter boxes, make dinner, eat, clean up kitchen. By then it's after 9. Ideally I'm in bed by 10, but I don't seem to make it too often.

How do we work the whole child thing in here? We both have to work, and honestly I'm the 'breadwinner'. It's just not possible to quit. My management isn't very flexible. And, DP's management is very NOT flexible. In fact, he was answering emails on his blackberry today while we had our day off together! He also travels some.

Someone please tell me they've BTDT and it was ok!

[kriket]

Here is mine and DHes schedule

6:30 wake up nurse baby get ready for work
6:45 leave for work
7-3 Mom works
3:15 mom is home dogs out
3:45 (<- not a typo) dad leaves
4:00 nurse while pumping dogs out
5:00 chores, grocery etc
6:30(ish) nurse again and pump
7:00 baby dinner, jamies, book and bath (I bathe with the kid)
8:ish feed dogs and crate dogs baby bed
8:30 chores, dinner start, make tomorrow's lunch, pack pump etc and mom time
10:15 dad comes home (baby usually needs to nurse again if he hasn't been up already)
10:30 dad's home, dinner time, reconnect watch an episode of Star Trek (12:15 on Friday)
11:30 mom and dad bedtime (1am on Friday, or whenever I crash out on the couch)

rinse and repeat.

I wanted to add, we are totally not doctors or rich people. We bring home about $2k a month. Both working is a necessity for us. If you can at all pare down one or both of your hours (well you're going to have to, you can't both work 12 hour days unless you have a nanny) also start learning to be cheap. I don't know how people in my income bracket afford things like formula, disposables and those overly elaborate swingie-things.

I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom we are very happy, stressed, but happy. We are in a bit of dept and are digging out. Once we don't have to pay almost half our income to debt, we can work less and still enjoy the same quality of life! We used to be work-a-holics, DS changed that about both of us! I would rather be a dirt farmer then have to be away from him.

[_ktg_]

I think I understood from your post that both you & DH would be working & raising your l.o. Anything is possible in being a WOHM, but I'm lucky as DH is SAHD for our 2.

I typically work from 8-5pm, but I have very firm boundries with work even though I am classified as exempt I rarely work more than 40+ and weekend are off limits for work as that's family time (unless its an emergency, which is extremely rare!!) Of course this is how I presented it to my boss and he has been fairly ok with it.

I think the biggest thing is being a WOHM with employers is knowing your value to the company and what you bring to them. If you know this, then you won't get painted into a corner of trying to decide between your family & work.

[busymama77]

Our schedule and it's basically been this way since DS was born:

6:00 - wake up and shower
6:30-6:45 - wake up DS, get him dressed, breakfast fed
6:45 - 7am - get ready for work
7:15 - leave for pre-school/work
8:30 - 5:15 - Mom Works
6pm- I get home
6:30- 7pm - dinner
7pm - 8pm - family time
8pm - bath time
8:30-9pm - getting ready for bed
9:30 - 10pm - mom and dad get ready for bed

DH is a WAHD and so his schedule is very flexible. Most of the time, when he's in town, he picks up DS from school and I drive straight home. He cooks dinner at night and most of the time gets DS ready for bed time.

Now that we're expecting #2 soon, some things will change but for the most part, I am going to try to keep this schedule the same - at least for DS's sake.

[lolar2]

One thing you can do is to start researching child care now, so you'll know what hours you will be scheduling around. Whether you use a center or a nanny, you still will be bound to their contract hours.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/4/11 at 8:59am

[Thalia the Muse]

My office is full of dual-career couples, and we all seem to make it work!

In my case, I took four months' maternity leave (I had a lot of saved vacation), then went back full-time. I pumped in an empty office 2-3 times a day. When I went back, DH was able to cut back to part-time for a few months, so he was home with her three days a week and we had a sitter the other two. On days he was home, he brought the baby to visit me at lunchtime to nurse.

After a few months, he added days at work until at ten months he was back to full-time. At that point, we moved DD to an in-home daycare near my work that many of my coworkers recommended. She LOVED being around other babies -- she was really social by that age -- and the care provider was very grandmotherly. I did morning drop-off and DH got off earlier than me, so he picked her up in the afternoon. She stayed there until she was two, then started Montessori -- stayed THERE until she started public kindy at five.

Now she's eight, and my husband got laid off a year ago so she hasn't been in after-care -- he picks her up when school gets out, unless she has dance practice or Girl Scouts. It's been nice for her to have her afternoons to relax for a change, but sometimes she misses the after-school program! She's been back as a special guest a couple of times.

It sounds like both you and your husband work really long hours -- is a schedule change possible? If one of you was starting work at eight and getting off at five, you wouldn't have such a long stretch to cover -- the person who works later drops the kid off, and the one who gets off earlier picks up.

[_betsy_]

Your priorities will change DRAMATICALLY once baby is here.

You'll probably be less willing to work long hours, and won't care as much about having a sparkling clean house everyday.

[Poodge]

The biggest part about being a WOHM for me is that my DH and I are a team. We work together even better now that we have DS. Our weekdays look something like this:

5:40 Mom up and in the shower
6:00 Dad up and in the shower, I pump one side
6:30 DS up, get him dressed nurse him. DH is taking care of animals, packing up the bottles, my pump, everthing we need and putting it all into cars
6:50 to 7:00 Everyone out the door. DH takes DS to daycare
7:30-4:30 Everyone at work/daycare
5:30/5:40 Everyone is back home. I have picked up DS from daycae, DH has let taken care of the animals.

In the evening DH washes all my pump parts and prepares the bottles for daycare while I am nursing/reconnecting with DS. (Two days a week I throw the cloth diapers in the laundry right when I get home.) Then DH plays/reconnects with DS while I cook dinner (think easy crockpot, one pot dishes, ect). Even while I am cooking we are all together because the kitchen and living room are together. We all sit down to eat. Then I play with DS for a little bit and then take him upstairs for PJs, brush teeth, books, nurse and rocking and he goes down in his crib. Then DH and I have a couple of hours to do anything else that needs to be done, but mostly just spend time together as a couple. Any time DS wakes we go up and nurse or rock him during this time. When we go to bed he comes with us. The most important thing for us is one of us is focused on DS while he is awake in the evening while the other is getting needed things done. (When he was younger he did not go into his crib, but I would nurse him and then wear him until we went to bed.)

On the weekends we grocery shop, do laundry, and spend a ton of time together as a family.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by neonalee

It's silly. I'm due with my first in July. And I get 12 weeks maternity. And I think a 4 day work week for a month after or something. So it's almost a year away still, but I just can't wrap my head around how we're going to manage this.

Currently: I get up at 6:15 feed cats and get ready for work, DP gets up at 7. We leave for work at 8. We get home between 6:30 and 7:30 (occasionally later). We feed cats, clean litter boxes, make dinner, eat, clean up kitchen. By then it's after 9. Ideally I'm in bed by 10, but I don't seem to make it too often.

How do we work the whole child thing in here? We both have to work, and honestly I'm the 'breadwinner'. It's just not possible to quit. My management isn't very flexible. And, DP's management is very NOT flexible. In fact, he was answering emails on his blackberry today while we had our day off together! He also travels some.

Someone please tell me they've BTDT and it was ok!

It's okay, but it is different.

My husband and I used to have a schedule very similar to yours. Now I leave at 4 pm pretty much every day, unless I have an event. (I work 8-4.) I just do. I am not quite as much of a star at work, and although I have feelings about that and it wakes me in the night sometimes, in some ways it is very freeing. All that stuff about your priorities changing is half true - your work will still matter to you, but your child will matter more.

Someone has to take my son to daycare (my husband does) and someone has to pick him up (I do) and that is that. It simply happens that way. I do some work after my son goes to bed many nights, and my DH is a crazy workaholic so he works night and weekends and would have his BB implanted if he could, but he can't do that when I have an event or a deadline, because his son just by default has to come first.

I'm laughing a bit (fondly) at your schedule. Feeding the cats and cleaning the litter won't even register on your radar any more - of course you'll do it, but it won't be a task you focus on, I'm betting.

Anyways, what you can do:
- find the daycare you want/can afford and start figuring that out
- build your network - see if you can find some expecting/mom friends or get in touch with your friends and family, and find out where your support can come from
- build not just your plan a but plans b and c too: If you're out of town, your husband has a critical meeting, and your kid is sick, what is going to happen next?

[lolar2]

Yeah, either one or both of you will have to cut your hours, or you will be paying a premium for long hours of child care. Even if you do have a nanny, you can't make a nanny work 12-hour days every day; you'll have to supplement somehow.

[GuildJenn]

Oh one more piece of gratuitous advice: start saving now, and cut back whatever you can in order to do that.

A lot of WOHP issues can be at least temporarily solved by throwing money at them, so a slush fund helps with that and it also helps as a security blanket for those days when you have to cancel something important.

[neonalee]

Thanks so much for all the advice, but I have to admit I'm still worried. A lot of the work hours are not my choice - part of it is commute (we commute together) and part is me waiting for DH to leave the d*** office. I left the 'office star' mentality behind long ago when I realized my life was more important then my job Sadly, the workaholic in our family is not the major breadwinner or it would be a little easier. Maybe. Also, neither of us has family in our state and most of my close friends are hours away. There is 1 friend kinda nearby with a 1 yr old (2 by next summer), maybe...

Money is another scary issue that is keeping me up at night. Without going into the long story details I'll just say that despite careful planning and due to someone else's errors we suddenly owe several thousand by Feb for taxes. I wish I'd never bought a house, though I had good reasons to do so, and we bought well within our means. Except the stupid thing isn't in quite as ok of shape as we thought, so, more expenses. Getting off track here. Point is, I don't think a slush fund is possible, or at least not much of one.

Definitely have to work out plans b and c with DP. Not sure why I didn't think of that. Maybe if we could do a nanny or nanny share, leave work on time, then he could work more when he gets home? I don't know, his job is really big on 'face time'. So stupid.

I sound very down and "can't" in this post. I'm not sure if it's winter, hormones, or what. I really appreciate everyone sharing the routines and advice. I know it will help when I'm out of this mental slump.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by neonalee

Thanks so much for all the advice, but I have to admit I'm still worried. A lot of the work hours are not my choice - part of it is commute (we commute together) and part is me waiting for DH to leave the d*** office. I left the 'office star' mentality behind long ago when I realized my life was more important then my job Sadly, the workaholic in our family is not the major breadwinner or it would be a little easier. Maybe. Also, neither of us has family in our state and most of my close friends are hours away. There is 1 friend kinda nearby with a 1 yr old (2 by next summer), maybe...

Money is another scary issue that is keeping me up at night. Without going into the long story details I'll just say that despite careful planning and due to someone else's errors we suddenly owe several thousand by Feb for taxes. I wish I'd never bought a house, though I had good reasons to do so, and we bought well within our means. Except the stupid thing isn't in quite as ok of shape as we thought, so, more expenses. Getting off track here. Point is, I don't think a slush fund is possible, or at least not much of one.

Definitely have to work out plans b and c with DP. Not sure why I didn't think of that. Maybe if we could do a nanny or nanny share, leave work on time, then he could work more when he gets home? I don't know, his job is really big on 'face time'. So stupid.

I sound very down and "can't" in this post. I'm not sure if it's winter, hormones, or what. I really appreciate everyone sharing the routines and advice. I know it will help when I'm out of this mental slump.

It's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed when pregnant. It really will be okay.

I see a couple of options on the commute that you can probably combine - you could look for daycare near your work. Even though this means travel with your child (not always relaxing) it would mean more time together in the car. You could get a second vehicle and use it *some* days to lessen the commute and leave it *some* days for the nanny.

The "some and some" could work with your DP's work schedule too, like he leaves earlier two days a week. Is there a public transit option? That was the big shocker to us I think: to get our schedule with daycare down we had to invest in *two* cars, which we never wanted.

The advantage to your current schedule is it does sound like you could have some errands/"me" time while you're waiting for DP. So that's something.

If you're not upside down on your mortgage you might consider moving closer to work (just an option, but it could change the quality of your life considerably).

For the taxes, even getting that in shape will help.

[neonalee]

Thanks GuildJen, honestly I would LOVE to sell my house. But that's a long story and it's just not possible. One day. Or maybe I'll finally like my house one day! We're working on the taxes thing too. We'll manage, it just messes up A LOT of other things. And I'm not over it yet

Actually, reading suggestions here finally gave me the push to talk to DP about this instead of trying to fix the world by myself. I don't know that we've exactly come up with a plan, more like actual possibilities. I asked if he could work it out that he leave by a certain time every day and then works another hour or 2 from home. He seemed like that could work. Also, I could do the drop off then drive the car downtown (I HATE driving in the city) then he could grab the car and do the pickup. The partner not driving would take public trans (which was a key factor is buying where we did).

I guess we will manage. Everyone does, as I've been told by so many. I'm just a planner and I get anxious when I don't have the plan!

[Caneel]

OP - I can relate to your comments about your DH and the work issue.

Try to look at it as an opportunity to enact positive change. And good for you for thinking ahead.

Pre-kid, my DH was the type to not leave the office until everything was finished and the day "put to bed" neat and tidy for tomorrow.

After DS was born, he set boundaries on his own. Now, he is able to balance, which is HUGE for him.

One thing that helps our household work is I do drop off and DH does pick up. That 30 minutes or so I get at home makes a huge difference in keeping the house running at a reasonable level.

Another thing, and this might make some people cringe, is there isn't much "total me time" in our lives right now. We both work towards keeping our life simple, getting the necessary chores done so we can do family stuff, whether that be an outing or just chilling out on a Sunday afternoon.

Pre-kid, DH could easily spend all day puttering around the yard. Yard work is his passion. Post-kid, maybe the yard gets mowed a few days late and he doesn't get to rake leaves and prune for 2 hours. He can rake leaves whe DS is older.

I am sure he would like to put 8 hours into the yard but taking care of other things first is a priority right now.

[madskye]

I had a similar schedule to yours when DD was born--I worked in NYC and had a 90 minute commute--so out of the house at 6:45 and I had to leave work at 4:45 in order to make it there by 6:30.

DD went to a Kindercare, and their hours were 6:30-6:30. They were great, and I fell in love with their staff. I could not have done it without them. I was lucky, because I am in sales, so my schedule actually was kind of flexible--I could go in later some days, I could work from home some days, but the flip side was that sometimes I had to travel and DH had to do it all alone...and his job was not flexible at all.

One thing that also helped was finding women at the center who would help us on the side. Several of the ladies there were willing to drive DD home if need be, make her dinner, and wait for us to get home. We didn't need to use that often, but just knowing it was a possibility was a HUGE stress-reliever. Her first year, we really didn't want to leave her much more than going to work but it was also nice to have babysitters that she was comfortable with in place--so we could go out for a bday or anniversary or wedding...

That kind of daycare was expensive--we live in NJ and when she was an infant I was paying a little over $1K per month. It decreased as she grew and went into the toddler and then pre-k room.

Do you mind my asking what level you are at in your job? My flexibility was limited because people actually needed me to make decisions--but a blackberry & cell phone & a good assistant made a huge difference with that. My boss was not actually "cool" with me leaving at 4:45 but she knew it was either that or I would quit--and I was very good at my job. Things are a little touchier with the job market today, though.

An actual day was

Up at 5:30 get showered and dressed, pack up baby's things for daycare
Baby would either wake up, or I'd get her changed around 6:30
6:45/7 out of the house
7:30 on the train
9-445 Work work work
6:15-6:30 daycare pick up
Home for snuggling, dinner, etc--DD would usually go down for the night about 8:30.

When I would get really bad baby withdrawal I'd take a sick day or a vacation day or go in late/leave early. Looking back, I really did have a lot of autonomy. Now, I work from home, and I very much love that.

It does all work out though

[*MamaJen*]

I'm a single mom and I've got a schedule that works very well for me. I live about eight minutes from my job, and the daycare is right next to the office. That's a huge help.
Our schedule is:
7:30-8: wake up, shower (maybe), get dressed
8:40: Leave
8:50: daycare drop-off
9-5ish: work
5:15ish: daycare pickup
5:30: home
5:30 - 8:45: hang out with baby, talk a walk to the park, clean the house, make some dinner (often we do an easy and portable dinner on the stroller tray as we walk to the park), read books, play with stuff, run errands, play outside, maybe go to a friend's house, whatever. Honestly, sometimes it's hard to keep DS occupied for three hours without turning on the TV. About three times a month I have nightime meetings, so X watches him those nights.
8:45: (or 8:30 if taking a bath) brush teeth, read a book, bedtime
9-midnight: Mama time. If I'm taking an online class this is when I do that work. Or I read, watch a movie, mess around online, have a friend over to hang out, that sort of thing. Maybe light housecleaning, but I tend to be a bit fried at this point.

On Wednesdays I go into the office at seven and leave at noon. I keep DS at the babysitters till three. I've used this time to take tests for online classes, but typically I try to get my big housecleaning done.
Looking at other people's schedules, I think I actually have it pretty easy. I work at a small family company, and when I got pregnant I was thinking about moving up the food chain to a corporate paper. I decided to stay at the family friendly place and I'm glad I did. I took DS to the office with me for months, and things are pretty manageable in my life.
My house is rarely perfectly clean, but I think that's more because I'm not naturally tidy. It's clean enough. Usually.

I would also recommend getting a daycare close to your office rather than your home, and seeing if you can pare down your hours at all.

[rhiOrion]

neonalee-

I don't have any suggestions for you, because I'm reading your thread to see what suggestions others have for you.

But I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone on this. I'm having the same worries that you are. I don't have any family in the area, I only get 12 weeks out of work (and that includes any time I have to take before baby gets here), I can't quit my job, and I just have no idea how this will all work. And then there's the stress that daycare is probably going to be a large chunk of my take-home pay, so all this money that we've been saving for the past year or so is going to just disappear to the daycare.

It's so overwhelming, isn't it?! I know other people do it, but I just don't see how. I already feel like I barely get any time to myself now, and I don't have any kids! But I'm thinking that maybe once the baby gets here we'll start making our time more "useful"? Like, right now I can kill a couple of hours playing on the computer every night, and suddenly it's the end of the week and my house is a mess. I'm hoping there's some sort of mommy switch that's going to flip on once this baby gets here!

[maddycakes]

When I was pregnant I could have written that post. But like everyone has more or less already said, it really does just fall into place. And you will have your kinks here and there about what works and what doesn't and you often have to adjust either your expectations or your schedule, especially as the LO reaches different developmental milestones. I think what is harder to comprehend pre-baby from post-baby is that you can't fathom where the time/energy will come from. It just does...and most of that is because it *has* to -- you have a new priority like none before and those instincts really do kick in. Yes you will be sleep deprived, not eating great all the time, etc. in the beginning. But that's normal....and it gets better over time.

What was (and still is) very helpful to me has been that my DH gets up before me--he unloads the dishes from the night before, makes our lunches, and showers, and then when he's done he gets DD dressed, fed, cleaned up, etc. so I can shower and eat and make her lunch (When I was still BF'ing I would nurse her in bed while he did those other things, now she and I snuggle and read books...you adjust), then when I'm done he goes to work, she and I spend another 30 minutes or so eating breakfast, packing up the daycare bag etc and then we're out the door. As she became more mobile it was especially important to have him around in the AM while I got ready so she wouldn't walk into furniture -- I really give single parents so, so much credit and respect with how they manage this kind of stuff! Other things things I highly recommend:

- routine, routine, routine -- better for you, better for baby
- buy a lot of black pants, basics -- they go with everything and you don't have to overthink your outfit in the morning...you won't have time to!
- try to cook 1 or 2 dishes on the weekends that you can eat as leftovers during the week or use for lunches, ESPECIALLY in the beginning when you go back to work. that is the last thing you're going to want to have to worry about when you get home after not seeing your LO all day....and leads to too much takeout or unhealthy snacking!
- ditto with ironing/laundry/laying out your and especially baby's outfits -- do it on the weekends. not glamorous, but a lifesaver.
- leave a permanent list by the door of what you need to pack/bring with you every day. I even have lists depending on where we're going or for how long, especially in the beginning you will be in such a daze that you might forget something important
- your DH has to be on board to committing to a schedule and sticking to it ALL THE TIME - it's not negotiable (and won't be especially if you're using daycare). if he's not ready to leave from work when you are, then he better start saving some cab fare or get a bike. Or do the plan you suggested where you share the car and both do one end of daycare drop off/pick up. We share a car and until my job moved, that is what we had to do. It was hard, but it is do-able.
-leave a small makeup kit and extra outfit at work--there will be mornings where things happen (spit up) or don't (no time for mascara) you can always sneak 10 minutes in at work to do that kind of stuff on the sly
- put an emergency bag in your car for baby's things: diapers, snacks, toys, clothes, etc. -- sometimes you will run into commuting snags and it will be fortunate if you have those things on hand if you run into trouble (traffic jams, etc.) -- you will be more relaxed if you know that your kid will not be screaming in the back seat because s/he's hungry. you'll already be prepared!

Good luck...like all moms, you will be great!