Do I want to be a SAHM or WAHM? How to decide?

[Farmin' with Baby]

So it's slowly dawning on me that I can't do everything.

I have to decide how much I want to work and how much I just want to be mom and housewife.

DH and I farm and I'm trying to decide how much I want to be involved, either in the fieldwork or in the office side of it. DD is 7 months old and we'd like to have another one when she's 2 or 3 years old, and most likely one after that too.

Two things I love in my life: growing vegetables and keeping house/being mom. But I can't do both!

DH keeps suggesting we look more seriously into childcare (more than just help from the grandmas, which is very generous but occasional), but I have a gut reaction against it, like it's _my job_ to take care of my kids and how dare he suggest otherwise. I guess my own mom's example taught me as much...she raised a large family and never thought twice about options other than staying at home.

Paying for childcare is possible, but it would make things tight. But it's also true that my help out in the field is worth more than whoever we would be hiring to take my place.

I think I also cling to this idyllic notion that my kids can just trot along behind me as I do my farm duties, which just isn't true 90% of the time.

This past season, I did some field work (mostly supervision, not much actual labor) with dd in a pack but also got roped into doing all the books for the farm, payroll etc, and a lot of our marketing--not because I wanted to but because I was in the house anyway (so a lot of multitasking--baby and computer work) and it was cheaper for me to do it than hire it out.

Insights, anyone? I'm just beginning to wonder if this idea of wanting to be a full-time mom is not all its cracked up to be. I might go crazy. Esp. since my social outlets are limited. If I can't get an outlet in work, it's pretty much me and the house and the baby.

[LianneM]

It's definitely all about balance. Personally, I do go crazy without projects to do. Ideally for my kids, I would just focus on them 100% of the time, but then again, if I go crazy, that isn't so good for them.

I do schedule time for my DH to be in charge of the kids so I can work at least weekly, but I would really prefer several times a week just to focus and accomplish my projects. I end up staying up too late at night and skipping sleep so I can do the things I want to do, which is ok, but not ideal. Productivity during the day when I'm just home with the kids has gotten better as they have gotten older (my oldest is almost 5, and it's much easier to work with him than with a little one, but I also have an 18mo as well). Knowing you have quite a few years of small children ahead of you, it's a good idea to start working on what you truly want and how you can make that happen.

My best advice to you is to remain flexible and open to possibilities, and pay attention to what you need so you can be fully present with your kids when you are with them, even if that means having someone else care for them other times.

[*MamaJen*]

Well, it's a pretty personal thing. But I think for me, personally, I could be a stay at home mom if we didn't actually stay at home much -- say, if I lived in an urban area and we had some disposable income and the kidlet and I were constantly out and about doing things. But if it was just me and a baby or toddler (or three) alone in a house, I think I might literally go crazy. Again, just for me.
For you, one thing to consider is it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You might get someone in, say, two mornings a week so you can do the books. It can be part time. And you might find that you enjoy it.
For when you're outside, you might be able to get away with babywearing. I dunno. Can you farm with a baby in a sling?

[FelixMom]

I'd say remain flexible, since you are considering adding to your family in a few short years.

Maybe you can dedicate a day or two a week to keep the books of the farm--if that's what you prefer. Or you can make it seasonal, working outdoors during the spring and summer with kiddies in tow, so long as there isn't any machinery in operation. I think they'd make great weed diggers... Then do the office work in the winter months.

Good luck!

[purplevega]

what about a part time babysitter to come to your home? Maybe a mothers helper? This would cause much less then full time care and you could be with your DC all day.

Kim

[JessieBird]

I agree that it is so personal, and also ever-changing.

While I also agree that you need to be flexible, personally I would not do well in a situation where I pitched in on various tasks when I was able to, depending on the day or baby's stage of development (that's the ever-changing bit!). I would need more structure.

What I would have to do, and what might be a good exercise for you, is to sit down and take a close look at all the tasks and responsibilities that could be yours to do in your farm business. Make a list. Do any really stand out as being both feasible with your LO in tow (on your back, playing nearby, etc) and that you really would like to do? If so, then try committing to those tasks for a month or so and see how it goes. If anything on your lsit really stands out as being jobs you would like to do but can't with baby around, then you may wish to consider p/t childcare or a mother's helper so that you can commit to that/those aspect(s) of your business.

If you take this route and do commit to some farm responsibilities, I would also suggest that you try to have a regular schedule. This may be hard at first but will help in the long run with not letting the jobs you committed to fall by the wayside and also in integrating your baby into your work life. With a predictable schedule, changes in your baby's needs and intests will be less likely to throw everything out of whack iykwim.

It sounds like a situation where you may be able to have the best of both worlds!

[lolar2]

I know someone who works on her DH's family farm, in about the same capacity as you describe (books, some fieldwork etc.)-- her children all began preschool at age 2 or 3, and meanwhile her ILs provide quite a lot of child care. Plus when her children were younger, her DH sometimes took a toddler along on driving chores where the child could just stay in a carseat in the truck. I guess for towing things? I don't know much about farming.