Screaming in the car for 6-10 hours vs. Spending the night away: WWYD?

[liberal_chick]

I am kind of between a rock and a hard place. My step-grandfather passed away a few days ago. I wasn't close to him, but my mother was, so I have to go to his memorial service on the 29th. Not going isn't an option.

The funeral is in Dallas, which is roughly 10 hours away by car. We can't afford to fly.

Ds2 will be right at 10 months old by the time the service comes around. He hates his car seat. HATES. If we take him with us, he will scream most of the way. I can't sit in the back with him as there is no room (I drive an accord and ds1's carseat is back there too).

Our other option is to leave him overnight with grandma, who he knows very well and is very comfortable with. I hate to do it as he still nurses frequently at night, but it really seems kinder than letting him scream for hours and hours. I could pump enough for me to be gone about 36 hours and he pretty easily takes BM from a bottle or cup. He also is a great solids eater. I'm not worried about his nourishment while I'd be gone at all.

WWYD? Any options I'm overlooking?

[Pookietooth]

Have you thought of trying a pacifier? to you I hope you can either bring him or stay home.

[Thalia the Muse]

Since he'll take pumped milk I would probably leave him home, if the car trip was going to be that bad. In either option, he will be fine -- babies are adaptable and he won't even remember the weekend -- but the car trip sounds HORRIBLE for everyone else, and I think you're right that he'll be happier with Grandma anyway.

[Hey Mama!]

I would leave him with grandma. A long car trip is stressful enough without adding a screaming baby to the mix.

[littlecityfarmer]

Given those options, I would leave DS2 with Grandma, and get back home as soon as possible. 20 hours round-trip with an inconsolably cranky baby would be far too much for me to take, and not fair to DS2, or anybody else in the car! If you do leave him with Grandma, though, you could pump a couple of times during the trip to relieve engorgement and maintain supply.

Sorry to hear of your loss! Have a safe trip, whatever you decide.

[Limabean1975]

I am not one to easily leave a baby, but in the circumstances you describe, leaving him with grandma sounds like a FAR better option than the horrible car ride.

[elmh23]

Having had a screamer on a 6 hour road trip (it ended up being 8 because we were stopping all the time), I'd leave him with grandma. It was not a fun trip and stressed dh and I out so much!

For the record, the screamer is now 5 and has still not been left over night without me, so I don't easily say just keep him home.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

I am not one to easily leave a baby, but in the circumstances you describe, leaving him with grandma sounds like a FAR better option than the horrible car ride.

Agreed. I've had car seat haters before and it really isn't pleasant. If there is no other option then I'd leave the babe.

[liberal_chick]

I was leaning toward leaving him, glad to hear that is kind of the consensus.

He won't take a passie (in my dreams, I totally wish he would) and I have a really good pump, so I'll pump every 2-3 hours while gone to maintain supply.

I wish we had an extra $800 laying around for plane tickets. That would solve all my problems.

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

I am not one to easily leave a baby, but in the circumstances you describe, leaving him with grandma sounds like a FAR better option than the horrible car ride.

[Ruthla]

If it were my child, I'd stay home with my baby and miss the memorial service. I was in a similar situation when DD1 was 2 months old; I missed my grandmothers' funeral because I wasn't going to leave a 2mo for several days and it was really too cold to travel with her.

If that's not an option, I think leaving him with Grandma is kinder than traveling with him. He's 10mo, not 2, and it's just a whole lot easier to leave an older baby who's already on solids.

[batsister]

A couple of possible alternatives... could you afford for just you and the baby (as a lapchild) to fly, while your husband and older child drive?

Also, could you do the driving at night after your baby has gone to sleep (if he will sleep in a carseat)? It would be rough, but you and your husband could take turns driving/keep each other awake, and both kids might sleep.

Sorry for your loss, and good luck with whatever you decide!

ETA: If your sitting in the back with him would help a lot, could your older child stay with his grandmother instead, thus giving you room to sit in the back? Just a thought....

[choli]

Definitely leave baby with Grandma.

I can never understand people who think CIO is evil but a child crying for hours in a carseat is just fine.

[Mamabeakley]

Another thought, if you think he would be okay if you were sitting w/him, could you afford a rental car large enough for you to sit in the back?

[Hoopin' Mama]

What about just you going and baby staying in his own home with your dp? That way it would be cheaper to fly. Just a suggestion.

Otherwise, I'd vote for leaving with grandma.

Ds and I missed dh's beloved grandma's funeral, and he was 4. She died here but was buried on the other side of the country and we couldn't justify buying 3 plane tickets taking a 4yo into a cold climate for which he has no suitable clothes just to drag him around to services and dinners structured for adults.

[liberal_chick]

Thank so much for all the alternative suggestions! I'm processing through them all with dh.

Originally Posted by Ruthla

If it were my child, I'd stay home with my baby and miss the memorial service. I was in a similar situation when DD1 was 2 months old; I missed my grandmothers' funeral because I wasn't going to leave a 2mo for several days and it was really too cold to travel with her.

If that's not an option, I think leaving him with Grandma is kinder than traveling with him. He's 10mo, not 2, and it's just a whole lot easier to leave an older baby who's already on solids.

Believe me, I really don't want to go. But my mother has called weeping every day since he passed and my step-father has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that not coming is going to cause some hard feelings. And my mother knows how to hold a grudge.

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley

Another thought, if you think he would be okay if you were sitting w/him, could you afford a rental car large enough for you to sit in the back?

I don't know that he'd be ok with me sitting in back with him. We've tried it before and he still did a lot of screaming AND I got car sick and ended up having to put dh in the back with him. My tummy might react differently on the interstate, though, as opposed to some curvy back road.

[larzanna]

What about the bus or train. Then you don't "have to" have your LO in the carseat...like flying lap child but w/o the cost of the airline ticket.

[beanma]

Do airlines still do a funeral rate? I know I've heard people talk about them in the past, but not sure they still offer it.

In our family, probably the non-blood relative parent would stay with the kids and the parent more closely related to the desceased would go to the funeral.

I think grandma is a good option, though, if you think it would work.

[MaddieMay]

If I were in your exact shoes, here's what I would do:

I would see if it was possible to fly there and back the same day or fly in the night before and out the afternoon/early eve of the funeral. I know you said you can't afford to, but I would do Priceline or call every single airline that flew between my city and Dallas and ask for a bereavement rate. I got DH a cross country bereavement rate once for $300. I had to call around, but I got it. However, it also wasn't the holidays either, which could work against you. One ticket could easily cost as much or less than the gas it will take you to haul the entire family by car. If your comfort level is okay with baby on lap, then you could even take the baby. If not, I'd leave the baby with my partner and go alone. And I hate mentioning this, but seeing as it's not important to you but it is to them, would they chip in?

If I exhausted the flying option, I would leave DS with Grandma. If he is comfortable with her and you aren't worried, then he will probably be fine. If he were itty bitty, then I would say no and just deal with the family. But if grandma is capable and he is happy with her, then I don't see it as a problem. Would grandma be okay with cosleeping?

I personally have done 12 hour trips there and back by myself and it's horrible. I think it is safer and easier to have someone else to share the driving.

As a last option, I just wouldn't go and would deal with the crap from family. Under no circumstances would I put my child through all ten hours of trauma.

[Jennifer Z]

We had to do a 10 hr trip (to San Antonio actually) when ds was a babe and what we did was drive overnight so that he was tired and slept most of the way, and we pulled into McDonalds and the like to nurse when he woke up.

It was hard on the adults the next day because we had to take shifts sleeping to catch up a bit, but overall it was a better solution than listening to a child scream in the backseat for 10-12 hours (it takes longer with a nursling because you have to stop to nurse and change diapers).