Need advice on explaining death to 4 yo

[geogeek]

DH's uncle has advanced cancer and will probably lose his fight in less than a year. We have also just found out that our cat most likely has cancer. DH and I are not religious and need some advice on how to explain death to our 4 y.o. DD. She is very bright and sensative. We have a photo of my grandmother and she asked if she was alive. She cried for at least half and hour when she found out that she wasn't alive anymore. I'm afraid how she will react when someone she knows dies. Any non-religious people have any experience explaining death to a child?

[ElliesMomma]

i'm not religious. we started explaining death to DD, who will be 4 in april, as the occasion arose. her paternal grandparents are deceased. we make sure to talk about them every now and then. we lost two of our pet cats to coyotes when she was 2. i did *not* show her the remains (which were gruesome, and still give me the chills thinking about them), but i told her right away that they died. "what's died"? she said. died is when you're no longer alive. our beloved golden retriever died this past spring, when she was 3. she was 13.5 and died outside in the daytime, she was fine, and then just passed away. we were of course shocked that it happened, but i brought DD over to see her too right away. then we buried her in the backyard. she had a little confusion, thinking that we could dig her up and pet her again, thinking that we would see her again, and we had to explain that, no, once she is buried we will never see her again, but that we will always love her, she will always be in our hearts and our memories, and she will always be part of our family.

i'm not religious, but i do believe in god, and i have also told DD that when someone or an animal dies, they go to heaven, dog heaven, etc.

my advice to you would be to keep it practical and true, and don't stress too much about "telling" her, that only makes it more stressful for her too. if this is your husband's uncle, sounds like he may be fairly old, and that's how we explained my husband's parent's passing, that they were old, and had lived a long time.

hope that helps!

[meemee]

i am religious - or should i say spiritual.

however i havent let that guide me with what i have told dd.

i have told her what other people think, religious and athiests, and where i stand with it. she was also interested in what we did with the body and i shared the different methods too. today she is 7, has found her own concept of 'god' and that really helps her as she has anxiety and is super sensitive.

you know its interesting that you dont want your child to cry. isnt is normal and in our nature to do so. let that not be a detterent to you. these are special tears that need to be shed to 'grow up' in life that we thankfully have been given the opportunity to support them.

i have never hidden my tears in front of dd. i dont expect her to either. in fact it has created special bonding moments when she was 6. once when an ambulance went by i lost it and had to pull over and cry. i became the child and my dd the mommy and she held me and rocked me and supported me.

it is better she know how to deal with grief at 4 with you by her side rather than at 14 or even 41 like my ex who didnt quite know how to react in grief. today my dd knows exactly how to handle grief and what to say to grieving people.
the best way to talk about death is to really wait for your child to say something. and then they say it - dont overthink it. just answer the question. it is really scary at first, but know they just want to know simple things in the beginning - not everything YOU know.

is she close to your dh's uncle? if she is and knows him, the best thing to do would be visit him at the hospital. let your child watch him die. it will really help her with her grieving later on. dd from teh ages of 5 to 6 helped me take care of her dying grandparents and was there as they passed. that is the greatest gift they could give her. it definitely helped her with her grief.

yes your dd is going to be sad. she is going to cry. but she doesnt want you to fix anything. she just wants to express her emotions and have you there for support and comfort.

one of the first things that my dd got scared about was if her dad and i died. so i asked her who she would like to live with and we talked about it to our friends she wanted to live with.