Spiritual Soulmate? But He's Not My DH. UPDATE post #40

[ThoughtFullMama]

Let me just say that I am NOT planning on cheating. DH and I have been together for two years. In many ways, we are really great together. But spiritually, we're very different and it's really starting to bother me.

At a friend's birthday party a couple months back, I ran into an acquaintance of ours, and got to talking to him. Well, it was an amazingly beautiful night, and we were talking about the stars and the making of the universe and so on. Anyway, I said a couple things about what I think that were really deep and personally meaningful, and he totally got it. I mean, his eyes were all intense and he KNEW what I meant. He was not flirting with me in any way. DH just gives me a blank look when I say things like I said to this guy.

I am not physically into this guy, and I love DH completely, but on a spiritual level, we just don't connect. So, I guess what I'm asking is - is it okay to have a spiritual soulmate that is not my DH? My spirituality is a huge part of who I am and to not be able to share it with DH is agonizing. We've had many, many conversations about it, and I highly doubt he's ever going to be able to connect with me in that way.

Please give me some advice, BTDT stories, anything. I'm starting to feel really bad about thinking about this guy, even though it's not sexual. I just can't get this guy out of my head. I can see the way his eyes looked, so gentle and kind and wise. I even remember what color they are! I've had maybe two conversations with this guy but I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[philosoikou]

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to say that I can completely understand where you are coming from.

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by philosoikou

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to say that I can completely understand where you are coming from.

Thank you

[IntuitiveJamie]

I hope I can help you a little. Or at least give you some faith.
My story is I married a man that had zero spirtuality, had no idea what he believed in, so therefore he didn't believe in pretty much anything. He has even been known to give the line "I think when we die, we just die, there is nothing more nothing less" Which kills me b/c my view is huge and I believe in past lives and reincarnation and yada yada. So right before we got married I sort of freaked out and we had this big conversation and it freaked him out. How would we work this out when we had kids was the big deal. He didn't want me telling them imaginary friends were real and I didn't want him telling them there is no Creator. So on and so forth. I decided I loved him through and through and that people get married with all sorts of different backgrounds and are able to make it work.
Fast fwd 5 years of marraige (7.5 years together total). I would not say he is a believer of any one thing still, but his mind has been opened in more ways then he could have ever expected or thought. He is now married to a "psychic" (me). Actually I go by the terms Intuitive counselor and Medium. I have a professional business doing this work and I have a radio show talking all about spiritual things. His children are very obviously psychic too and he knows it. The four year old even freaks me out a little. LOL
So all this to say, dont assume he will never open up to it. I said the very same thing about my hubby. He has now told people at his work about what I do (that is HUGE..he won't even tell them we cosleep). He's actually very proud of me and my work. I still ask him from time to time what he believes and he says he doesn't know. he can't have real woo-woo conversations still, but I fulfill myself with that need with people that can and want to. I love my dh dearly and am so glad I married him. I know if he has opened up as much as he has already, he might even more. And if not that's okay too.

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit

But then...a soul mate is not what you want if you want to just live a very uneventful, placid life. But then...if you are living an uneventful, placid life, you probably are not growing spiritually, which is the purpose of all humans in this earth.

This is the thing. I want to feel connected, but I also want to be pushed. For example, DH doesn't see the point in exploring his spiritual side, because he doesn't think he has one. He doesn't push me to be better, or different, he accepts me as I am. Which is nice But... he can also be kind of non-confrontational when it really matters, when it's a big deal in our lives, and he just won't 'man up' (for lack of a better phrase - sorry about the gender stereotype!) and handle things that I cannot handle on my own. So, I feel adrift, unprotected, spiritually and mentally sometimes. I need a safe harbor, a place of peace and joy.

I hope that made sense.

And thanks for your reply, you said some things I hadn't thought of before

[mommyshoppinghabit]

DH and I used to kind of be in the same rut as you. I feel a sort of kindredness to your predicament and that is why I responded. If I look and me and DH on paper, I could get really disheartened. But something has shifted between us, although the shift is not permanent and maybe it will never be. What shifted is me. That's a long story. But sometimes now, we talk about spirituality, which is really a huge leap from when I first met him. Keep doing what you are doing, nevermind what kind of place your DH is at and let go of wanting security, peace and joy from anyone else but yourself. That is a difficult pill to swallow, but it will happen, one day, clarity will happen if you let go of those things.

[javilu]

i just wanted to give you a virtual hug and let you know that i have been feeling similarly. not that there is anyone else involved, but just that my DH and i are not a good "spiritual match." i don't believe in soulmates (although i do believe in the soul). i have hope that someday DH and i will find some sort of common ground. i mean...we are living in the same world, under similar circumstances. i know we have different pasts and different sensitivities, but we also have the same home, the same son...i like to think the same love, too. so, yeah...i guess what i am saying is that i try to channel that "sad/frustrated/lonely energy" into something productive - that is, living a life that reflects what i know "deep down" to be true, and hoping that someday, he will see that truth in me and recognize it. until then...i have have faith.

[javilu]

Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit

DH and I used to kind of be in the same rut as you. I feel a sort of kindredness to your predicament and that is why I responded. If I look and me and DH on paper, I could get really disheartened. But something has shifted between us, although the shift is not permanent and maybe it will never be. What shifted is me. That's a long story. But sometimes now, we talk about spirituality, which is really a huge leap from when I first met him. Keep doing what you are doing, nevermind what kind of place your DH is at and let go of wanting security, peace and joy from anyone else but yourself. That is a difficult pill to swallow, but it will happen, one day, clarity will happen if you let go of those things.

would you mind sharing any more? i am afraid to talk about anything remotely "spiritual" with my husband, because i know he thinks it's all a delusion. do you have any "tips" or anything? you can see above, that i am seeking my peace for/with myself, and not counting on him for that, but it does get lonely and i feel a bit isolated/trapped in my own head at times.

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by puffnstuff

you can see above, that i am seeking my peace for/with myself, and not counting on him for that, but it does get lonely and i feel a bit isolated/trapped in my own head at times.

But that's the thing. Shouldn't such a huge part of our 'self' be something that we should hope and want to share with someone we're in love with? It's not about having peace with myself, I do. I long to feel spiritually connected to my partner. I want to feel the things I feel WITH him, because I love him.

[javilu]

i hear ya. i long to share my full self with my dh too. but i guess, for me, since i can't do my soul or my beliefs any real justice through words, i express in other ways. i am confident he has a soul, regardless of whether he agrees with that, and i try to reveal my soul to his through loving actions, rather than through discussion. of course, it would also be nice to have those talks and agree on things, but that's not my world right now, so i'll accept the challenge.

[javilu]

i do think we can have unspoken spiritual connections, though...maybe that is what i hope, at least.

[waldorfknitmama]

Hmm I suggest speaking to a therapist of some sort. If you are thinking about a man other than your husband, and calling him a spiritial soulmate I'd think of that as a huge red flag that there are issues in the marriage. Sorry, but I don't think that is right, and I'm sorry your going through these feelings.

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by naturalmamaof1

Hmm I suggest speaking to a therapist of some sort. If you are thinking about a man other than your husband, and calling him a spiritial soulmate I'd think of that as a huge red flag that there are issues in the marriage. Sorry, but I don't think that is right, and I'm sorry your going through these feelings.

While this could be a red flag, I really don't think therapy is necessary. If there are problems in your marriage, then yes, address those, but not because you feel a connection to another human being. That seems really strange advice to me. I do believe in soulmates (I married one of mine) and not all of them are the burning love of a lifetime type thing. I have 2 friends that I've been so blessed to find that are soulmates. I haven't spoken to one is about 9 years, but if either of us called needing the other we'd be there in a minute. We just have that kind of understanding of each other (and yeah, he's a guy - big deal. If we were together romantically, one of us would kill the other within a month!) I guess for clarity you will probably need to define "soulmate".

[lilyka]

the thing is our spirtuality is so intimate. it doesn't matter if you are having sex with this guy you are still slipping into a very intamate place with another man. He is stepping into a role you wish your husband would step into and therefore in a way taking his place.

I do think we need people who stimulate us spiritually. But since you are married why not find someone more neutral, like another woman? then you avoid that tricky territory of being intamate with another man.

[waldorfknitmama]

Originally Posted by lilyka

the thing is our spirtuality is so intimate. it doesn't matter if you are having sex with this guy you are still slipping into a very intamate place with another man. He is stepping into a role you wish your husband would step into and therefore in a way taking his place.

I do think we need people who stimulate us spiritually. But since you are married why not find someone more neutral, like another woman? then you avoid that tricky territory of being intamate with another man.

Totally agreed.

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by naturalmamaof1

Hmm I suggest speaking to a therapist of some sort. If you are thinking about a man other than your husband, and calling him a spiritial soulmate I'd think of that as a huge red flag that there are issues in the marriage. Sorry, but I don't think that is right, and I'm sorry your going through these feelings.

What if the OP was talking about a woman?

[javilu]

along those same lines, is there a group that you could be a part of to explore and express this aspect of your thoughts? i've been dealing with a lot of my "spiritual issues" on my own, and i'm getting to the point where i realize i might "need" to join a group like a synagogue or a church or a choir or *something* because i need that community element, even if i know i'll never find some external institution that i agree with 100% and even though i wish it could be something more in my home than outside of it. maybe there is a group for you?

[ThoughtFullMama]

Originally Posted by puffnstuff

along those same lines, is there a group that you could be a part of to explore and express this aspect of your thoughts? i've been dealing with a lot of my "spiritual issues" on my own, and i'm getting to the point where i realize i might "need" to join a group like a synagogue or a church or a choir or *something* because i need that community element, even if i know i'll never find some external institution that i agree with 100% and even though i wish it could be something more in my home than outside of it. maybe there is a group for you?

This is where I am. I've tried lots of communities, granted they were all Christ-based. I'm wondering about Unitarian, Baha'i, or maybe even a Jewish synagogue - for some reason I've always felt a kindred-ness with Jewish people. On the plus side, I talked to DH and he said he'd be willing to meditate with me so that's a step in a great direction

[mommyshoppinghabit]

From what I've experienced of churches and synagogues, I'd say they are not a great place for spiritual enlightenment, though they create a good community.
That actually is part of my disconnect w/DH. He believes in dogmatic religion. We don't belong to a house of worship and he does not observe much of his religion, but if you ask him, he is quite opinionated and conservative in his views. However, some of the spiritual insights that I have had somehow clicked with him b/c he knows a bit about the Kabbalah, the esoteric teachings of the Jewish faith. He identifies so strongly w/Judaism that when he hears something that coincides w/the teachings, then he will concur that there is a grain of truth. Like I believe that we are all here to learn something and there is a cycle of rebirth into human form everytime there is something more to learn. The Kabbalah also teaches that. After a few coincidences like this, he started to pay more attention to what I had to say.
The thing about women is that, as a whole, we will always be more spiritually advanced than men. Men's brains are just hardwired to be more...um..in this world, more ego-driven. OP, your DH is on his journey in this life. For some reason, he is in your present reality, whether or not you guys click or not, there's something you guys are working out as part of your life lessons. He may be bringing out these doubts in you as part of his job in this life. Doesn't mean you guys will always be together, doesn't mean you should leave him either. Keep learning, keep advancing spiritually. The outer situation is always secondary to the inner reality.

[Tuesday]

I'm not sure one is supposed to be on the same pages, Spiritually, as one's DP. It's such an individual path. You might start at the same place and years later end up in very different places. My DH and I were both agnostic (me more than him) when we met. I've always been spiritual - just not particularly God-centred. Things have changed for me and I believe he is more agnostic now than ever. It's what it is ... we're two different individuals.

In answer to your question - I think it's okay.