Who are you inviting into the delivery room? I need help!!!

[LeaPea]

I am 4 months pregnant with my first child, and people are already asking if they can be in the delivery room when I deliver. Or, actually demanding to be in the delivery room (at a hospital since I am high risk).

First, this is our first child, and we haven't completely discussed our birth plan yet. We both want a natural birth with the least amount of medical interventions. We also discussed having both of us and maybe one other person in the room with us.

I didn't know that people would EXPECT to be in the delivery room. This is a little overwhelming to me!

Second, people are planning on coming and staying after the birth to help out. I don't know if this is normal or not, but it has been unsolicited.

Who did you have (or plan to have) with you when you gave birth? How did you politely turn away the unwanted spectators?

For the homecoming, do you need people to help you out? My husband will be home with me for the first month and we live in a pretty small apartment. I was expecting the casual visitor, but I wasn't expecting house guests!

Sorry for all of the questions!! I didn't know I would have to deal with this so soon!

[Georgetown HB Mom]

The best thing to tell anyone that you don't want present is: "I am sorry but I am only inviting the people that were present when the baby was conceived."
This usually shuts them up.

Lisa

[buttercups.nest]

For my first baby I had my mom and husband with me. I had interventions that I wasn't happy with and knew I wanted a different birth the next time around.

For the birth I had a very good friend of mine acting as my doula and my husband in the room.

When I had my second baby my mom, sister, and I were texting quite frequently. It was quite funny....I was having contractions and I had someone texting me/calling me for updates....even in the hospital! I just turned off my phone....I think family and friends just get too caught up in the excitement of the new baby and forget boundaries.

As for family visiting and such.....answer the door in your bathrobe. Don't be afraid to go lay down with baby. Remember you will be giving birth, you are not obligated to entertain. If family wants to come see the baby, that is fine, but you could say you are not ready for company the first month. Are there other options that they could look at for accomodations?

Good luck! Both with your pregnancy and birth of your child

[Plaid Leopard]

I think you can use the fact that this is considered a high-risk pregnancy/delivery to state that no visitors will be allowed in the delivery room.

Perhaps you could delegate specific tasks to certain people: coming to do laundry or cleaning once a week, or coming to cook or whatever you feel needs to be done.

It is absolutely ok to put your foot down and insist on no house guests though. Tell them that DH will be home the first month and really wants to focus on you and the baby - and that you will call when you are ready for visitors. Also remind them that it is a small apartment. You will be bleeding and have milk leaking and all of that fun stuff and might not want to cover up and be presentable every time you want to leave your room to go to the bathroom or the kitchen.

People may be offended at first but they will get over it. It is important to be able to set boundaries before the baby is here.

[caro113]

Ditto on the "only people in the delivery room are the people who there during conception" line. That's a good one. My mother tried pushing her way into being there when my daughter was born. I told her no way. But then I figured out the easiest way to avoid all conflict. I called people after she was born. I never told anyone I was in labour. No one had a clue. It worked out rather nicely.

As far as visitors, you may very well change your mind about that. I never did but plenty of people here did. One thing I heard works really well is putting a sign on the door saying something like "we're getting used to having a new baby so unless you are here to cook or clean while I sleep, please leave your well wishes and we'll call you when we're ready." Apparently there are some MW who have these signs for you.

I would tell people that you need to get yourself into a routine and it's easier when other people aren't around. Plus, you are going to be tired and who knows when you'll be sleeping. Sure, you may get 6 hours a day, but it could literally be during the day. So until you get your sleep cycles worked out, it would be better if people just waited to come over. If they get in a tizzy about it just very nicely say "I really appreciate you respecting my wishes to postpone visits."

Oh, and house guests? No way. No. Effen. Way. Not happening. The last thing you need is to come home with a brand new baby and have so-and-so sleeping in the next room, coming in your room to "see if everything is okay" when baby wakes up at night, or criticizing you doing whatever it is you do, like cosleeping and breastfeeding. No. You really do need to establish some sort of general routine and you absolutely can not do that with house guests. No.

Your husband will be with you for the first month. You don't need anyone else around, especially since you don't have other children.

What you can do is arrange time with people well in advance of your due date. That's what we did with my MIL. Not that she was making any sort of problems, but we both discussed it and decided the best idea was for us to call her after the baby was born and then she would drive down about ten day to two weeks later. She's a good two day drive so it will take time to get here anyway. She never intended to be here the second the baby was born but she did jump in her car the second her daughter went into labour and drove the 10 hours to get there and I did NOT want that. Luckily she knew I wasn't into that so she didn't expect it. But planning it out that way is really helping. And then DPs grandparents will be coming sometime over the summer. I think. (We're due the first week of June.) They're either coming over the summer or for DD's birthday in October. But they definitely have planned to come after mid July to give us time.

Good Luck with telling everyone about the schedule. It may be awkward or hard at first, but it's definitely worth it, and that feeling will pass. Most people understand, albeit not at first, but within a week or so.

[Bluegoat]

I am a bit shocked that people expect to be in the delivery room with you! You can just tell them no. Personally, I like a second person besides my dh, like a doula or my sister, but that is it. Too many people are not conducive to labouring well, and most hospital deleivery rooms are not that big.

If you think people might show up, don't tell them when you go into labour.

As far as house guests - NO. If you were going to be home alone then the right kind of guest might be very helpful - the kind that takes care of you and the house and doesn't try and take over the baby. But with your husband there it isn't necessary, much better to have people visit to help out.

[HappiLeigh]

It's really not okay for people to ask to be in your delivery room. That is totally personal, and if you are close enough to someone (not your husband) to want them to be there, they should feel honored. I wanted my DH and my mom there, but I made it very clear that no one else was even allowed on the hospital premises. I thought it would be detrimental to my labor progress to feel like there was a crowd out in the waiting room waiting for me. Plus I didn't want DH running back and forth between me and parents to give status updates or anything. We just made it really clear that everyone was to wait *at home* until we phoned with news of the birth, at which point everyone was allowed to assemble together in the waiting room, to be brought in to meet the baby *as a group.* That way there was no rush over to see her first, and no grandparents (except my Mom, present at delivery) got any visiting/meeting riveleges that anyone else didn't get.

This time, I'm inviting my SIL as well as my mom and DH to the delivery room. I've been at two of her births since I had my DD, and she is a rock-star awesome natural-birthing mama who I think will inspire and support me. If it weren't for that exception, there is no way I'd want anyone in the delivery room except me and DH and Mom. (And I think most people wouldn't want their mom, but mine is really great to have around when I'm not feeling well, and we're very close in general.)

Good luck deciding! I think the most important thing is to manage expectations ahead of time, to make sure no one thinks they are going to be somewhere you don't want them.

[staceychev]

I agree with everything said here. I had to deal with a pouty mom after my sister delivered her first (7 months after my first was born), because evidently her friend got to be in the delivery room with her daughters. I think she's since realized that she raised private people.

And as far as the stay-over guests: are they from out of town? Could you help them find a hotel? My mom came and stayed for several days a few days after DD was born. She was up for the birth, then went home--about 2 hours away--then came back. It was nice having her there: she cleaned and did laundry and cooked us dinner. But, I would never have wanted anyone other than my mom, though.

I think you need to put up healthy boundaries for yourself, while all the while acknowledging the good intentions of others: they want to celebrate your new baby, and they want to help you out. But, good intentions aside, you need to do what's right for you and your husband and child. Delineate those boundaries now, because these issues will keep coming back otherwise.

[JenBuckyfan]

I think most of us go through a similar scenario in general when the first baby is born. I'm not high risk, nor are people expecting to be in the delivery room - for this, I'd say that you are planning to keep a limited number of people, right now just your DH and you, in the room since you are planning a natural birth and would like to do what you need to in order to cope naturally with pain. Having additional people in the room might add stress, not necessarily due to anything on their part, but you need to be able to focus. (I don't know how I'm going to be emotionally or vocally or anything and I'm a really private person that way so I wouldn't want anyone besides DH and my mom - she won't be here yet - to be in the room with me.) People are more than welcome to spend time in the waiting room to hear how everything went - you could decide whether or not you want visitors in the hospital after you've breastfed and the baby goes to sleep. You could tell them thanks for stopping in to see the baby, you'll let them know when it's ok to stop by the house, probably in 6-8 weeks or so once you feel more settled and have a family routine in play.

As far as houseguests, I am stressing over this right now too. Our family is all 1500 miles away, and, it's the first grandbaby for all three sets of parents. My mom and step-dad are currently the only ones who will have a flexible time frame to be here (arriving sometime within a couple of weeks after the birth). My dad and step-mom, sister and inlaws have to be planned for my sanity (and to tell you the truth, I'm already losing some of my sanity over my inlaws and probably won't gain it back until they leave).

Just think about what you would like to have happen (you do have some time and you don't have to commit to anything right now) and let people know. You can always tell them you are so grateful they want to be a part of the baby's life right from the beginning, and that you are truly touched, though being a first-time mom, you want to be able to get settled with the baby before having people over to visit or to be houseguests. Most people will be ok with this. Some may be bummed initially, but they'll understand, and the minute they are invited over, they'll forget about any initial feelings they had because they'll be in love with the baby!

[MammaB21]

My first birth I had xH, my mom (who acted as my doula), my sister (who videotaped) and my Dad (who sat in the lobby for 24 hours). Even though they were all people that I am normally really comfortable with, it was WAY too many people. Then add the umpteen amount of nurses in and out, and the mw It was distracting, and I ended up worrying about other people when I should have been concentrating on myself. As much as they all love me, after 24 hours, people get tired, hungry, and bored.

I wouldn't mind people dropping by with food and to see the baby afterward. But I'm sure not doing ANY entertaining. Don't feel bad if you have to kick people out. If you don't want to be rude, you could just say, "Well, I'm tired, I think it's time baby and I got a nap in. Thank you so much for coming." I also wasn't really keen on others holding and taking care of my baby that early on. I had a constant need to be close to DD, and I wasn't even handing her over for diaper changes.....lol. That bonding time for me was very important.

[gentlecowgirl]

With my first I had many people hint that they would like to be present at the birth. I said things like "well we'll see how I feel closer to the birth". I became clear I wanted very few people present and I know I disapointed friends. The support people I wanted arrived right before pushing and my labor stalled for 2 hours. I know it was related to more people arriving and I became self concious.

After the birth my inlaws arrived immediatly with all their kids and it was too much, although I had major birth high so it wasn't obvious in the moment. But they showed up with no food less then 24 hours after birth and wanted to be in on all of the details, hold the babe, take a thousand pictures, drink champagne in the morning, be load and obnoxious.... (I usually love a party) But I felt used and cheated from my baby moon.

Next time its me and my man for the birth and very limited visitors in the first month at least.

PS. Be sure your totally cool pooping in front of anyone there... you could even do a trial but that would be wrong.

[GreenTeaGinger61]

If you are delivering in a hospital you may not have a choice. Most have a limit as to how many people can be in the room, and others are enforcing stricter rules due to H1N1 including no one under 14 allowed into maternity wards (one of many reasons why we choice a birthcenter).

I have three children and I wanted something different for each pregnancy. I think you have to be prepared to accept that what you thought you wanted you might not want. I'm very social and with my first son I was totally comfortable with having my dh, my mom, my best friend and his wife (whom I adore). So when I had my second child, I thought I would be okay with having my MIL there but it ended up that I wasn't at all and honestly would have kicked my own mom out if I had had the energy. I don't think MIL has ever forgiven me. With my third, it was just dh and me, and I ended up wishing that there was more people:P Go figure!

This time, my children will be present if they wish alogn with my mom whose job it is to keep my kids entertained (the birthing center has a lovely family room). That's it.

As for visitors...no WAY would I have wanted (or want) houseguests right after birth. In my experience, houseguests end up being a drain as opposed to a help. I didn't mind visitors and brought food or came to peek at the baby. With my oldest, we still lived around family, adn when they came, they always brought things, stayed for a short period of time, and did some kind of cleaning for me without being asked. It was wonderful. This time I actually have friends so it may be a problem. We're already preparing a little note to send around, asking people to respect our privacy for a few days, and that after a week, we'd love to have short visits to show off the baby.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I honestly don't know why people think they can ask to be in a delivery room when a mom is birthing. Seriously, what gets into people's heads?! I can't imagine inviting myself to anyone's birthing.

For my first, both my parents and my sister were at the hospital with me, personally invited by me. My dad politely stepped out when things got intense, and came back in when he heard baby cries.

For my second (born at home), I had my mom and my husband, again both personally invited by me.

My MIL and SIL had asked to be present, and I was horrified. I felt like I had to somehow be polite while also saying "UM NO FREAKING WAY." it was tough. It worked out that I went into labor in the wee hours of the morning and we didn't call anyone until after the baby was born, which is what I now recommend to anyone who doesn't desire unwanted guests at the birthing.

Having people come over and help is wonderful, honestly. IF and only if the people are actually helping. My husband and I were completely exhausted, and having my mom come over to help tidy the house, do laundry, and cook was a godsend. The three of us could snuggle in bed getting to know one another and we didn't have to worry about the house falling apart around us those first few days. I realize, though, that not all family members are as graciously and happily helpful as my mom.

Since my husband's mom is somewhat disabled and unable to help in ways that my mom can, she brought over needed items, instead. To avoid the whole scenario where someone comes over to "help" and ends up holding your baby while you are up entertaining, cooking, and cleaning, you can politely request that if someone is headed over, can they bring dinner. Usually people say, "Is there anything I can do?" and asking for food is an easy answer. And even though I hate letting people see me less than put together, I would answer the door in my pajamas with rumpled hair, and that usually sent the loud and clear message that I was tired and not to stay long. Some well-placed yawns work, too.

I didn't have any out-of-town family to have to contend with, but if I did, I would probably act concerned that we don't have a comfortable place for them to stay/sleep since the place is so small, but I do have the contact information for a few close-by hotels...

[coldandsleepy]

At the actual moment of delivery, I had my husband, my doula, two or three hospital nurses and the doctor present. The place I gave birth, you have the baby in the same room you stay in the whole time, and they are BIG suites-- and it still felt awfully crowded when the baby actually emerged! I can't imagine having had any more "guests" along other than my husband and doula at that point.

For me, my husband and my doula were the perfect birth team. I didn't feel like I wanted more people there ahead of time, and having gone through it, I'm really glad I didn't invite anyone else.

As for people coming to stay after the birth... oy. My dad REALLY wanted to come visit a month after the baby was born. For a lot of reasons, I didn't want him there. (My dad's great, but his girlfriend is extremely opinionated and I really just didn't need someone bossing me at that point.) I tried a lot of subtle ways of telling him not to come but finally ended up telling him point blank that we were asking not to have any serious visitors (you know, more than an hour or two) until the baby was at least two months old. I think his feelings were hurt, BUT he didn't show up and stress me out and his feelings were ultimately less hurt than they would have been if he'd come and I'd freaked out during the visit and said mean things, etc.

Like the PP said, if you have people who want to come and help who are actually going to HELP, that's awesome! But if you feel at all like these people are just going to stress you out or make it harder for you, do yourself the favor and politely tell them no as soon as possible.

[JennTheMomma]

With our son we had my mom and dad. With this baby we'll be having a homebirth so we'll have my mom and MIL.

[crazyrunningmama]

I agree with everything said here and just wanted to add: when I was in labour (in a hospital) there were times when I sent my husband out of the room! I had a doula and I was leaking gross fluid everywhere and trying to pee and just needed a lot of privacy, darn it. It may be better to just tell people that "there wasn't time" to call to let them know you were in labour, just call when the show's over. Houseguests are very tiring and I was walking around topless and cranky, needing to sleep every moment the baby slept, so I don't recommend that either (yay for your dh being there with you for the first month, btw ). Please figure out how you are going to set clear boundaries that are comfortable for you, this is only the beginning of people sticking their noses in.

[khaoskat]

I have btdt with my first. My MIL and FIL both demanded to be there for the delivery of the grandchildren. I said no. We just had DH and my Best Friend who was acting as my labor support person to back DH up (this way he could use the bathroom or get a drink or a bite to eat and I would have someone in the room to support me).

Also, depending upon when you are due, right now most hospitals are limiting it to two visitors, so it may not be an issue. Our hospital, no matter when, has a limit of four visitors at a time, so DH just kept signing out the visitor passes at the front desk for my room(s). If we wanted someone to visit, we would have them call when they got to the hospital and DH would meet them in the lobby with a pass.

As for houseguest...no way in hades. My last was an emergent C/S. My parents came to visit 1 week after the birth for a week and I was so exhausted between taking care of them, a newborn, two older children and recovering from a c/s.

I also limit the number of visitors at the house at one time. I don't want a ton of people showing up. We ask that they call and see if we are feeling up to visitors before showing up. Otherwise we just don't answer the door.

[zinemama]

Take this as an opportunity to put your foot down. Because from the way these folks are acting now, that foot's going to be getting a lot of excercise in the years ahead.

Asking to be in the delivery room is rude. It should not be done. When they ask, look shocked. Say, "I can't believe you just asked me that!"

I did have my mother there, but I asked her. She was floored and honored. She had never expected to be asked. That's the kind of attitude people should have about it!

As for houseguests...are they kidding? If your dh will be home with you the first month, you definitely don't want anyone else staying.

Practice saying "Thanks for your concern. We'd love it if you dropped off a meal. How about Tuesday?"

[LeaPea]

Thank you SO MUCH for all of the wonderfule advice! I am going to print this out so I can make notes!

Honestly, I am surprised by how intruding my family has been, and I'm sure it's just starting. And everyone is right, I need to put my foot down before this really gets out of hand!

After reading all of these posts, I am going to have just my husband and myself in the delivery room, and if I want someone else in there at a later time, I will ask them! And thanks for the advice about houseguests! I didn't want anyone to come for at least three weeks, and I think I will keep it that way!!! We want that time to bond with our baby and get used to a new way of life. I know people will get their feelings hurt, but I have to do what is best for us.

Again, I really appreciate the advice. I feel like I can stop stressing about this now!

[crazyrunningmama]

Ya LeaPea, looks like we all had strong feelings on that one! You didn't ask, but think about getting a professional doula. Your dh may need to pee, eat, or nap during your labour and doulas ROCK!!! There is lots of info on here about them. and happy pregnancy!!!