Who are you inviting into the delivery room? I need help!!! - Page 2

[khaoskat]

BTW - one way to keep people from the hospital is to just forget to tell them you are in labor, and then tell them after the fact things were happening to fast and we didn't have time to call anyone because we were busy with the docs and nurses.

[finnegansmom]

I have found birth to be such a private and personal experience. I'm not throwing a super bowl party for family to come watch, no way. I wouldn't call myself modest by any means, but it's just not something I want to share with everyone. It's something between just my DH and I (or actually just me last time because it happened so fast Dh wasn't in the room, LOL).

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by LeaPea

I am 4 months pregnant with my first child, and people are already asking if they can be in the delivery room when I deliver. Or, actually demanding to be in the delivery room (at a hospital since I am high risk).

First, this is our first child, and we haven't completely discussed our birth plan yet. We both want a natural birth with the least amount of medical interventions. We also discussed having both of us and maybe one other person in the room with us.

I didn't know that people would EXPECT to be in the delivery room. This is a little overwhelming to me!

Second, people are planning on coming and staying after the birth to help out. I don't know if this is normal or not, but it has been unsolicited.

Who did you have (or plan to have) with you when you gave birth? How did you politely turn away the unwanted spectators?

For the homecoming, do you need people to help you out? My husband will be home with me for the first month and we live in a pretty small apartment. I was expecting the casual visitor, but I wasn't expecting house guests!

Sorry for all of the questions!! I didn't know I would have to deal with this so soon!

I think it's very common to have to "mark your territory" on the delivery room and make some boundaries about visitors afterwards. My observation is that if you are not VERY clear about what you want, then people will actually push their way into the delivery room and even come by at inconvenient times.

What really helped for me was having a written birth plan (I think I found a blank sample somewhere and went from there?) that specifically says who is allowed in. Most people will respect this, but I do think that you have to be firm from the beginning. Maybe for now you could say- our birth plan is still in progress, but we plan on just having the two of us and one other person (or one other person each).

I still had one unwelcome person invite herself into the DR, but honestly, at the point I was at, I didn't care and was too caught up in birth to confront her (no one else took the initiative to kick her out either). This same person then came by after the birth when I had whatever-its-called-infection-in-breast and WOKE both me and the baby up even tho I told her I basically had the flu and did not want company! Specifically pushy people probably need a little more than the typical plan of action!

But for now, I would just hold up the birth plan as kind of a shield against intrusion. As far as people staying afterward, just be upfront from the beginning. If your partner will be there, then you probably won't need a stay-in helper. Explain that you all would sincerely appreciate any help as far as bringing food by or helping about the house (which honestly is such a blessing) but that you don't feel like your tiny apartment would be conducive to house guests after the birth.

Honestly, it's about you and your family! If they don't like it, they can kick rocks. When your loved ones are holding the baby, they're not going to be as concerned about whether they were allowed at the birth or not.

[BlackSheepPDX]

I agree with what folks have said already: BOUNDARIES!

My MILs wanted to be there, and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. The only person in the world I completely trusted was my DH, and that was the only person besides midwives and doula that I wanted involved in the birth.

I was very cagey the whole time about actually revealing my due date, to avoid pressures around that, and didn't let anyone schedule a visit until two weeks after the due date, since I had to give SOMETHING for those travelling by air. I both wanted time to bond and figure out our routines AND really didn't want a ton of people handling my newborn and getting their cooties all over her.

I would not allow anyone to stay in the house in the first month or so. Even though we normally have the MILs stay with us, we made it very clear that when they came to visit this time they would have to find somewhere else to stay. Our argument was that they would be here to help us, and the worst choice would be to have EVERYONE exhausted by being woken up all night by a baby. The TRUTH was that I didn't want an audience in the middle of the night, but who needs to know that.

Once visitors did get here, we had to really have them understand that we were not up for social activities and that we might have to have them simply come over for a couple of hours, help us shop/cook/clean a bit, and then leave us alone again. Fortunately the MILs were very accomodating to this. My mom chose not to come at all.

This time, we'll be needing help in the first month to support us being able to have the bonding/regulating time with the newborn but still care for our older daughter. Fortunately we have SIL/BIL down the street from us who we can have "on call" for the birth as child care, and then we'll get the grandmas in on a rotating schedule to help us. Things will have to be different, but I still will be pooping on my own foot in front of no family but my husband. He's so lucky.

[JL83]

I have a different view about the house guests.

We were actually in a house sharing situation when we had DD. The people we lived with also had young children. I don't know how we would have managed without them!

They cooked for us. I'd torn a bit and so I was tucked into a nest on the couch and had things brought to me to eat and drink while I held and nursed the baby. There were lots of people around to hold DD while I took a shower or used the washroom. But mainly it was the cooking. DH is hopeless in the kitchen and there was no way I was interested in cooking. And I'd get insanely hungry and thirsty every time I nursed DD.

They also picked up the slack on cleaning. The house stayed neat and tidy and very nice.

My good friend recently had her 2nd child and her mom came from another state for 3 weeks arriving 2 days after the baby was born. She also had a really good experience. Her mom cooked and cleaned and helped play with her older child. That gave my friend a chance to bond with her baby. She didn't have to worry about the house stuff.

I would say to be very selective about who you let come. Don't have anyone come who wants to be a "guest". Only have people come who will actually help. People who won't mind scrubbing your toilet and taking your grocery list and going shopping.

[matthia]

I have a bit of advice that might work for the whole out-of-town visitors/house guests. If you are living in a smaller apartment (which I think I read you were), I think you can honestly say you simply don't have room, maybe remind them that new borns don't have the same sleeping patterns as adults and that they scream....sometimes very loudly.

Ok, my real advice is to maybe plan a baby shower/meet and greet for a few weeks after the birth. My best friend had her first baby a year or so again and I threw her shower ( both of us being totally virgins at anything baby) and she wanted it after the baby was born so that's what I did. The awesome bonus of this was that far fewer people tried to horn in on their bonding time in the three or four weeks after the birth because they all knew they were going to meet the baby soon enough. I actually think we might have put something in the invitations to the effect of : "you'll meet the baby on this day, try not to butt in before then. We need time to get to know our baby first."

Obviously you might need to be careful in wording this if you have overly-sensitive people you need to keep away but I think it would be easier to tell everyone they can come for the same week or few days and see them all at once than spacing out all the visitors over the course of a few weeks or even months....It might be a stressful few days but that's usually better than a stressful few weeks.

This is your first baby. I think people (especailly other parents) might realize what they're asking if you honestly tell them: "look, I don't know how to be a parent yet. I'm still learning and I will be for some time, I can't take time out of that to entertain you. Give me some time to find my feet and then we can hang out."

[Sri Radha]

Just my DH. I wish my dog could be my doula. He would make a good one!

You don't have to have anyone there that you don't want to. Nobody should expect to be invited. It's a birth, not a party.

[tngirl11]

I have already had to deal with this a little bit with my current pg (and I'm only 15 weeks)! My DH and I allowed my mom to be in the room when I delivered last time, not really because I wanted her there (I'm kind of a private person--get embarrassed easily, etc.), but because I'm an only child, and I knew this was her only chance. It really didn't cause any problems, so I figured I'd just suck it up. Honestly, when you're in the middle of hard labor, just about anybody could come into the room, and you probably wouldn't notice or care! Anyway, this time DH and I would like to be alone with our midwife, so I let my mom know that as gently as possible. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just said that we feel that it's a really special, intimate experience for a husband and wife to share, so we'd really like to be alone.
As far as after the birth, it may just be me, but I would have let anyone come in just as long as they were willing to hold the baby or play with my toddlers and let me sleep!

[nikirj]

It's crazy that people would just assume they get to be there for such a private event. Just say no! And then don't call in labor, call afterwards. Family members can get SO crazy about the birth of a new baby, which is about them being excited (usually) having good motivations, but it is still not ok.

I really needed my mom at my hospital birth, because she really stepped up for me when I needed it. I wasn't so interested in having her at my homebirths, where I felt like I didn't need that kind of protection. Having a protector-type person at your birth is probably a good idea. I know my husband was too clueless, and a doula wouldn't have been able to be as firm as my mom was (jumping into the OB's view and firmly saying "no episiotomy!" when the scissors appeared, for example...and there were more).

I was also really happy to have help (beyond just DH) in the house. It might be a different story if you feel like you're hosting people...but if they are truly there to help, it can be really valuable. My birth was a fairly rough ride and I needed a lot of recovery time, and a lot of help. DH was pretty clueless and DD had colic. We really needed extra hands. Which isn't to say that everybody needs that, and the wrong kind of "help" can be way worse than no help at all. I think that knowing yourself (whether you'll feel obligated to entertain) and your guests (whether they'll be helpful or demanding) is really important.

[azdaisy]

Prior to the birth, we asked my mom and DH's mom to be with us. (I ended up having a C-section, so it ended up only being DH and me.) DH has three sisters, who have all had children and have all gone along to each other's births. DH thought maybe they would all like to come to ours. I thought otherwise. ;-) Family and friends visited us afterwards in the hospital, and we were happy with that. Our group of friends all visit each other in the hospital after children are born, and it was nice to see friends and show off our DS.

Afterwards, we had my parents staying with us for awhile. (DH's family all lives in the same town, but my parents are from out of town.) It was nice to have help. I know some people would prefer to be alone, but we were happy for the help...and then we were happy to be alone with our new little family. ;-)

I say think about whatever would make you and DH most happy, and then let everyone else know about your plans. It's your birth, and you should get to have it how you and DH want it. As long as you are clear about your plans with others, it should help avoid any misunderstandings and reduce hurt feelings as much as possible.

Good luck!

[Sweetiemommy]

You could kindly say that for your first birth, you really want to be alone with your husband, but there will always be "more children." I think that is a good rule of thumb, first time moms should avoid visitors and spectators like the plague. They really do slow things down, which can lead to more interventions, particularly in a hospital setting. I agree with the pp who said that some people will push their way into the delivery room and once they get in there, it close to impossible to make them leave (without specifically stating it and they will be offended, particularly if they had the impression that they could stay). It is best to wait until you are close to pushing to even call anyone and tell them where you are (your husband can do this) if you want them on hand to see the newborn. I also think the no house guest rule is a great one. We had daily visitors for the first week (including a 10 hour "party" with a ton of his relatives, who refused to leave, even when I specifically asked them to) and it flew by, I ended up extremely sick with mastitis, alone and miserable after my husband went back to work. It seems like everyone wants the selfish joy of greeting the newborn and trust me, at that point, most people don't give a crap about the mom or how she is doing or what they can do to help. It's just newborn mania. Luckily, I am on my third and no one seems to care anymore!! Of course, now I could use the help or someone taking care of my other kids, but no one signs up for that job!
Geez. Good luck! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about all of this!