Giving Birth: Solitude vs. Support?

[Xiaohua]

Which do you prefer? Why?

I have a very strong preference for being alone. I feel "watched" and very self conscious when anyone is with me. Enough to stall my labor. For my first baby I treasured dh's support and I know I could not have done it without him. But 4 more babies, and my thinking has totally changed. Obviously, he feels left out and rejected.

I'm trying to process for the next one, and have lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Any thoughts or personal experiences you'd like to share?

Serena

[caro113]

Honestly, that's how I feel. I don't want DP there at all. Part of me wants to just suddenly have my water break and the baby pop out before I can even call him home. But I know it's unfair to him. And to be completely honest, I feel the real reason I want him gone is because I'm afraid he'll ruin this birth, too. DD is 14 months and I still resent him for ruining her birth. I probably always will.

We have come to a sort of compromise though, since I don't even want the MW there. Luckily we're due in June so it'll be warmer. MW will be there but not in the actual room with me. Since our apartment is small she will most likely be outside with DP and DD until I need her, if I need her. It really all depends on if I rearrange everything again, since I keep changing the furniture every few weeks.

So this is what I have planned for our birth. DD will be 20 months. If the baby is born on the exact due date, DD will be exactly 20 months. Crazy, huh? Once labour really gets going, I'm going to start setting everything and call my friend. She's acting as a sort of doula. Really, she's there for support and to keep DD occupied since her daughter is only 10 months older and they've been friends since mine was born. Once I get to the point where I know DP needs to come home - assuming he's at work - I or my friend will call him and then call MW. These people all know that I want to do this alone so they are basically on call. I may send them out of the room; I may ask them to stay. I already told them that I will change my mind several times so not to be offended or anything. They all understand and are cool with it. I will most likely have DP with me because I'll want him in the water with me. I would love for DD to be there but it really depends on where she is at that point, how much she can handle, and what time it is.

My only real suggestion is to prepare for both scenarios and let those people know that they will have one of two jobs, which will definitely change back and forth as pregnancy and labour progress.

Good Luck!!

[Astraia]

My first baby there were WAY too many people.

DH, mom, sister, MIL, and 2 midwives. I felt watched, things were slower than they would have been otherwise, I felt like I needed to do & say the right things to keep everyone happy, etc. No good.

This time I want JUST DH, but he wants to have one other person there to help out. I'm considering saying we'll call that one person if I feel we need them (or to act just as support for DD), because if they sat in another room I'd feel like an inconvenience or an annoyance and I'd be wondering if they were bored or warm enough or needed something to eat/drink.

I would have a lot of trouble excluding DH purposely. It's one thing if labour is moving slowly and he goes and takes a nap or watches TV or something- I don't need him around the whole time. But to tell him No, you can come in... I couldn't do it. It's his baby too, he's excited and wants to be a part of it. Maybe if he comes in and reads a book quietly or plays on a laptop or something, so he's not just sitting there watching you? (Honestly, I would tihnk watching someone labour- if they don't need you there- would be really boring. I've never done it so I don't know, it just seems kinda dull).

[cileag]

I didn't want a lot of people around for the labor, but did find it energizing to be able to go and talk to people if I wanted to--and for the actual birthing part, I really liked having people around. I had my mom, my husband, and my SIL (who's had two homebirths as well) plus the midwives.

[nikirj]

I want solitude for my own "space" but I want things to get done around me. Does that make sense? So I want support, just not emotional support. I want drinks to magically appear, the shower to be prewarmed, the towels to be plentiful. I want someone else to clamp and cut the cord while I'm holding the baby. I want things to be cleaned up, snacks to be brought, etc. by someone else.

I apparently don't mind people watching me, since that's what DH, the kids, and the midwives did last time.

We talked beforehand about how the things we'd done with the first baby (lost of coaching, breathing, etc) hadn't worked at all and had been miserable for me, and how I really didn't want any of that. So it was a planned non-interaction, which may have made all the difference.

[prothyraia]

If there was some magic way I could have fetal heart rate monitored , pressure provided on my lower back, and something to drink at all times without anyone else present, I'd kick everyone else out until I was pushing.

I'm not big on the "emotional" support angle, maybe because I'm so introverted.

[JennTheMomma]

I want and need support. With my first birth I had my DH, mom and dad with me. I felt really good about that. It was a peaceful birth and I liked having them with me for when I needed something. This time we're having a homebirth and I want DH, DS, my mom and MIL with me aswell as my Midwife and assistant. I'm strongly for support.

[khaoskat]

For me, basically DH and a close friend/doula to act as back up in case DH needs to potty or stretch his legs or get a snack or something.

I have always enjoyed my births that were so few people and hated the one that I had a ton of people at.

DS1 - we wanted just DH and my BF. Everyone on DH's side of the family was pissed we were denying his mother her right to be there at her grandchild's birth. Long of it short, she showed up about 10 mins after I was done, because a friend called and told her I was there (friend was a volunteer at the hospital) and she couldn't get there any faster because of dialysis. At the same time, my BF's SO showed up to pick her up - which we were ok with, since she had asked and she was wanting to go home. But I never really got to hold or feed DS1 before he was whisked away to the nursery. I was doing everything wrong for MIL. He was born at 7:05 pm, and whisked away about 8:45. I didn't see him again until like 3 am. He was whisked away again at 6 am, and didn't see him again until 11 am when I went in search of him and breakfast. I had him till around 10 pm when he was again whisked away and returned at 3 am, to again be whisked away at 6 and returned at 8. Thank god I left the hospital at 11 am that day.

DS2 - just DH and I because he came at 4 am. We had one visitor who came to kind of sit with me and help till DH could return from getting DS1. I had no sleep since I got up at 7 am the day I went into labor, so I had been up for 24 hours straight, so a friend came and sat in the room to make sure our wishes were followed and in case I was sleeping through baby crying. Then later that evening another group of friends came. Strangely enough, no family came.

DD1 - just DH and I and a close friend.

DD2 - just DH and I and two kids. A friend came in a bit after we got checked in to get the kids, and it was awesome to have just the two of us again. Then after DH had to leave to make arrangements for the kids (went from birth center birth to an emergency c/s), another friend came and sat, since I had to have someone with me and baby because of the C/S. I was in/out of it for most of the time. She just sat there and watched TV, and woke me to feed baby (I don't handle pain meds well, and usually go into a dead sleep that is hard to arouse me from). Her BF came after he got done with school (and I was ok with this, as I was functioning better, but still couldn't move my legs or anything). Because he was a Med Student and a former EMT and she was a nursing student and former EMT, it was like having my own private staff. They were able to get baby for me when i couldn't, and just sat there and listened and took care of my puke bucket when I used it the one time. Oh, and I was there for 2 1/2 days and no family came, except my husband and kids.

This one, we hope to birth at home, and will not be much more than supporter/MW, Doula and us and possibly someone to help with the three kids.

[sweeetpea]

I am more of a leave-me-alone type, but I didn't figure that out until the middle of DS2's birth, which was way too late!

DD was a preemie, precipitous hospital birth, so LOTS of people around, and I did not have a clue what I was doing or why.

DS1 was a precipitous hospital birth, but DH and I still got a good 45 minutes alone at the hospital, during which time I dilated from 4cm to complete, and almost pushed him out without anyone else around.

DS2 was my longest - 10.5 hours - homebirth. I was awake and alone for the first six hours, which were the best. Then I called the midwives, doula and my mom, and from the time they got here, they were constantly following me around, touching me, encouraging me. Which is great support. Except it really bothered me. I just wanted to be left alone. I finally got back in the shower ALONE, and a few minutes later was yelling for the midwife and pushing DS out.

If I were to ever have another (which I won't!), I think I'd set up a birth tub in a dark closet and go for it on my own.

[emaye_to_2]

I definitely prefer solitude during labor. I've never had any family at my labors but with my first there were several midwives at times and I didn't like it much. For my first my husband was pretty attached to me rubbing my back the whole 15 hours! For my second, I labored alone in the bathroom for 3 hours and I liked that.

[paxye]

I need to be alone...

I UC so it is ideal for me... DH does a few things I ask of him but mostly takes care of the kids... I need to labour alone though I do like him being there when the baby comes out....

[Peony]

Another one that likes being being alone. If someone is in the room then I feel watched, like a pot on the stove, I labor best completely alone. I don't need emotional support. I can't stand noise, I just want to be completely alone to do what ever it is I need to do to get through it. With DS, I did need Dh there in the end to apply counterpressure to my back (DS was posterior), I didn't like having him there, him being there took me out of my labor land.

[*MamaJen*]

In early labor I wanted support, but as I got into active labor I really wanted solitude. I went off into laborland, and any time anybody tried to talk to me or rub my back, it was really annoying and distracting -- it yanked me out of the warm, fuzzy, pain free place and back into the real world, where being in labor hurt. I was completely inward-focused, which I think helped make for an easy labor.
I didn't want anybody until the very end -- as soon as the baby started crowing, I kind of snapped to it, told the midwives to get my partner, and asked them to catch.

[Hedgehog Mtn]

My need to birth in solitude has increased with each child. This time with #5 a UC, DH knows he may or may not be called in time. It has been just him and I before but I have a lot to work through with this birth and I may choose not to have him here. He understands and is okay with it although he would prefer to be there.

I planned on the kids making their own choice but the closer I get the more I realize they may need to be left sleeping at night or sent to play outside if it's daytime it will depend on how I feel at the time.

[MegBoz]

I suspected I'd want to be alone & wouldn't really find any comfort in being touched or 'soothed' with words, etc. DH suspected the same as well.
I was exactly right!! LOL! When he tried counter pressure on my back, it just hurt & I told him to go lighter, then it still was just annoying.

He didn't take it personally though. I feel like I'm a "free-birther" at heart. (#1 was a hospital birth, with all the labor at home, accidentally, mostly alone.) #2, I want to plan an HB with a MW, but make it feel as much like a UC as possible.

DH's presence was fine & his help timing ctrx was appreciated. I didn't mind feeilng 'watched' by him. He didn't take it personally.

I don't see why a DH should be upset by his wife wanting to labor alone. Don't lots of animals seek solititude when in labor and/or in pain? It's not a personal insult against him. It's just a primal, instinctual need. Most women don't want anyone talking while they're having a ctrx- I think it is kinda like that. You just don't want distractions.

[seaheroine]

Last time I spent the first five hours of labor alone in my bedroom, with DH checking in here and there, before everyone started arriving. DD was born three hours later. I really treasured those five hours, lost track of time, was 8cm by the time anyone else came in the room. For one hour it was really irritating to have people around...too much talking, too much activity, etc. In fact, I felt compelled to complain about the pain to them and I actually think it exacerbated it for a bit...

But when I started pushing I was really glad to be surrounded by my Mom, sisters, DH...I loved their support when I felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

This time I'm expecting a faster birth so am calling everyone when labor starts but have instructed them to leave me alone until I say. It is much, much easier for me to labor alone. I really have to get inside myself, so to speak. Not easy when people are staring at you sympathetically.

[JorgieGirl]

I love the support of family and friends. I understand the need/want to birth alone, but for me I need my 'girls' and of course, DH around me. It's such a celebratory, family event for me and I love having my closest there to witness a miracle and enjoy the celebrations. Also, more hands to clean my house after I go to bed with babe.

[~Boudicca~]

Originally Posted by nikirj

I want solitude for my own "space" but I want things to get done around me. Does that make sense? So I want support, just not emotional support. I want drinks to magically appear, the shower to be prewarmed, the towels to be plentiful. I want someone else to clamp and cut the cord while I'm holding the baby. I want things to be cleaned up, snacks to be brought, etc. by someone else.

I apparently don't mind people watching me, since that's what DH, the kids, and the midwives did last time.

This me exactly. With my last birth, I wanted everyone to be very hands off. My husband tried a few times to rub my shoulders or to hold me as I was rocking but any touching absolutely made me skin crawl...it was like I was hyper sensitive to the sensations I was already feeling in my body so any extra tactile sensation made me angry. My sister tried to rub my back as I was standing up rocking and I rather vehemently told her to knock it off .

The only time I felt watched was when I was in the pushing stage. It didn't bother me though because I was very zoned out. I was very grateful when the nurse supplied me with my Sigg bottle though about 1 minute before dd decided to slide on out.

I really like being left alone while in labor. Just be available when I need you and we're good

You know what is funny? I waited tables for 12 years in fine dining establishments and that is how I ran my tables too. I used to tell my bussers not to bother me I would let them know if I needed anything from them and so help me god if they weren't there...you get the idea. I guess I ran my births like I did my section on a busy Saturday night.