Having a second after a very rough first baby

[jenfl]

I'm due in a couple months with our second child. To be quite honest, I'm petrified. Our daughter, although she's grown into a fabulous toddler, was a terribly rough baby. I'm so scared to be there again.

She was a picture-perfect homebirth. But we had breastfeeding problems through 6 weeks, I had unrecognized PPD, we had no family or friends nearby to offer support, and I had to go back to work (part-time) at a few months old.

She had a very severe dairy intolerance that we didn't recognize the severity of until 9 months, which led to reflux (undiagnosed and untreated until 6 months). Because of all of that, she was a fussy, colicy baby who slept terribly (woke every 2 hours until a year old and never napped in a crib).

We're in a better place this time around. We live near my family, I'm a SAHM, and my husband only works 3-12 hour night shifts a week. I'm on a preventative dose of fish oil for PPD. My family has been reassuring me that an intolerance as severe as hers in an exclusively breastfed baby is terribly rare, and that now I can recognize and insist on treatment for reflux.

But I'm still scared. Please, please, can you share a story about having a nightmare of a first year with your first child, but finding your stride and being able to enjoy your second?

[BlueWolf]

I'm still a first time momma (DD 5 months), but I just wanted to offer support. DD is incredibly high needs and I'm scared to have a second after all the problems we've gone through. We have breast feeding issues (supply issues), and I too suffered from PPD. It's amazing how one of the best time's in your life (being a new mom) can transform into one of the worsts by PPD.

On the bright side, you'll have a better handle on most things since you can say you've been there done that. Plus, my grandmother says (jokingly) you get a rotten one then a good one, then a rotten one, then a good one. She had 7 kids lol.

[Just1More]

My first was just who she was, sorta high needs and clingy, but it wasn't a big deal because I had time to cuddle/nurse her, and that's all she wanted.

My second was awful. It was not uncommon for him to be yelling/screaming/crying for more than 9 hours a day...from a few days old until he was just past TWO. He also had an allergy (wheat). But whatever changed in him a few months ago has been great, he's a VERY sweet little boy ALMOST ALL the time now. We can't believe he's the same kid, seriously. We'd have good days, even good weeks, but it was like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Whew.

My third...I was really scared, too. My husband was supposed to deploy shortly after she was born, and I couldn't imagine how I could possibly do three. Terrified was a better word. But she is, well...the easiest baby EVER. She is so sweet, wanders around and plays on her own for a lot of time, falls asleep easily, and has rarely had a longing crying jag. Amazing. I was SO relieved.

Truly, though, they are all different in their own ways. I'm suprised, now that I'm on the other end of it, how short those 2 years were. It seemed so long and impossible all day every day (and all night), but now that it's over it's almost bittersweet, in a strange sort of way.

You'll be okay...really.

[zinemama]

I had a difficult first baby. Mostly due to breastfeeding problems and the fact that he hardly ever slept. Having a second was a real leap of faith.

Like you, I had family near when the second was born. I knew what to look for in bf and had an excellent LC at the ready.

Ds 2 turned out to be a fairly mellow little dude. We had a somewhat rocky start with nursing, mostly because I was so anxious (and he did show a few of the signs ds1 did). Having the LC come to our house right from the start to get things going was crucial to my confidence. After a month, everything was ok. And this kid took naps.

To be honest, what made #2 really difficult was #1. I could have enjoyed my mellow babe a lot more if #1 hadn't turned into a violent, tantruming, jealous kid who threw train tracks at me whenever I nursed the baby.

The main thing to remember - and I realize this is very difficult - is that your second is not your first. Try as hard as you can to look on this as a totally different baby, not dd version 2.

Best of luck.

[Luke's mama]

Hey mama, you have all the tools that you need now to handle whatever challenges come your way--you figured out so much the first time that you will be able to address any problems right away and head off the same difficulties before they reach a serious level. Just wanted to say that I find that the brand of fish oil makes a big difference--I tried Nordic Naturals and felt better, but when I ran out and took a cheaper brand, NOW, that dark feeling came back. When I switched back to Nordic, within a few hours I was feeling better. Could be psychosomatic, but I have tried the experiment a few times and always get the same results.
Good luck!

[mamazee]

My first was colicky, never slept much, fussy fussy fussy, a nightmare toddler too for that matter, though she's a dear of a 7-year-old. But my second has been easy peasy and slept through the night almost right off the bat. So good luck!

[LemonPie]

My experience is sort of opposite. I had a super easy first kid and a high-needs second kid. We had a third, only because I knew from my experience with the first two that every kid is different. Number 3 is easy in some ways (happy baby, good sleeper) and difficult in unique ways (she's a tenacious, climber who is into everything--a new experience for me).

I will say that even though #2 was my high-needs kid, having a second baby in general was easier in a lot of ways--your *whole life* doesn't change as much since you already have one kid on board (going from being childless for 5 years to motherhood was a bit of an adjustment for me). And I wasn't so weepy and emotional postpartum.

Bottom line is--they're all different. And whatever challenges you encounter with the new one, well. . . you'll figure it out.

[Peony]

DD1 screamed her way through her first year of life, allergies, colic, reflux, and sensory issues made her a very miserable baby. DD2 was born almost 4 years later, and life, although different, was even more difficult. She had none of the issues DD1 had. She was born at home, and we had one peaceful week before we realized that DH had pertussis. DD2 did get very ill, we had to move to be closer to medical care, she was completely O2 dependent for 6 months. She struggled with resulting health issues for years. It was rough, while it was tough with DD1, I don't think I had PDD, or if I did, it was more minor then with DD2.

It was a complete leap of faith to have DS, we were dealing with serious issues with DD1, I was traveling across the state for some of her therapies. This time it turned out ok, DS is a mellow little guy, just content to be dragged along for the ride. Thank goodness because what a crazy life we have!

[Swandira]

I had a middle-of-the-road baby the first time around and didn't give a second thought to having a second. My first wasn't overly easygoing, but he certainly wasn't a hardcase either.

My second baby was a shrieking demon who cried nonstop at the top of her (very impressive) lungs from the moment she was born. She had very severe milk protein intolerance and reflux and hideous diaper rashes and the whole works (except that she was a pretty good sleeper). Unsurpisingly, I had pretty serious PPD. Looking back, it's kind of funny to me how bad off I was, both emotionally and physically -- I was really out of touch with reality! -- but I should probably have been hospitalized. It's a wonder to me that I was able to keep breastfeeding her (she still nurses now at 3 1/2). Naturally, I swore I would never have another baby again, and got a 10-year IUD.

Around the time my very high-strung little toddler turned two, I got a stomach virus... that lasted two weeks... and then I noticed that I hadn't had a period for a while. Sure enough, I had gotten pregnant despite the IUD. I was so terrified. I was sure I couldn't survive another experience like the second one. Still, I couldn't bear the thought of abortion or adoption, so I went ahead with the pregnancy, and in time I had a baby boy. He's the sweetest, friendliest, calmest little baby I've ever seen. He has smiles for everyone and hardly ever cries. He puts himself to sleep with little help; nurses calmly without (usually) pinching, kicking, or trying to stand on my lap and bounce; and patiently and quietly endures the bumps and bruises and toy-snatchings that come with being a baby brother, and giggles endlessly when his siblings pay attention to him. In short, he's the complete opposite of my second baby, and much more pleasant to be around than my first one was too. I'm so glad I have him! I often think that he's my reward for enduring the trials of the first two kids.

No one can know, of course, how things will go with your new baby. It could easily happen, though, that you'll have a much easier experience. Good luck!

Nealy
mama to Thales, 12/02; Lydia, 2/06; and Odin, 12/12/08

[Pibble]

My first child went straight from colic to teething and didn't sleep through the night reliably until he was nearly two. He was high-needs and easily frustrated, and just seemed to cry more, sleep less and get into mischief more quickly than the other babies/toddlers in our play-group. I wouldn't describe him as a nightmare (I didn't sleep long enough to have nightmares, LOL), but he certainly needed every bit of what I had to give.

Since the early days, he has grown into a lovely, bright, curious, (though still high-energy and easily-frustrated) five-year old. I was, however, feeling very much like you just a few months ago - about to give birth to my 2nd child, and absolutely terrified.

My daughter is only 3 months old, but already, looking after her *and* my 5-year old is still easier than looking after my son as an infant. She sleeps reasonably well, I can put her down in her swing long enough to make a couple of sandwiches and put on a load of laundry, and when she does cry, she is easily soothed 99% of the time. What you get the first time isn't necessarily what you get the 2nd time!

Wishing you a smooth delivery and a happy baby!

[jilly]

Yes, I can. My oldest son also had undiagnosed food sensitivities, and he was a very high needs baby. Even once we caught that dairy and caffeine were problems for him, he was still very high needs -- anxious, easily over-stimulated, demanding, constantly nursing, needing to be with me 24/7, only sleeping if in physical contact with me, and posessing a scream of banshee like power. I spent 4 months in a rocking chair nursing him or carrying him around in a sling. I was sleep deprived for two years straight because he didn't sleep through the night . . . on and on and on. We called him our terrorist baby. We had no family near by, we moved when he was 6 weeks old, so we had no friends to help out, and dh was starting a new career so he was pretty taken up with learning the ropes of his job and didn't have a lot of extra time to help.

When I got pregnant with my second son I was so worried we were going to have a repeat of the same situation. I was having flashbacks to my first bad experiences and I was so worried it was going to be terrible again. But ds2 was a sleepy, contented newborn and a happy, active baby. He is super active and adventurous and loves making messes now, at almost three, but he was a really delightful baby. He has always been a very charming, funny, kid who is just full of life and energy.

I just had my third baby, and so far she has slept and nursed and been pretty content. Amazing.

The thing about having a lot of difficulties with your oldest child is that it actually means you're pretty pro with your second. When I had trouble with engorgement and over-active let down with my second child, I wasn't phased and I knew exactly what to do. When he needed soothing, I had so many soothing techniques and routines to fall back on that it was a cinch. I was so used to having to constantly hold and interact with my oldest son that my second son would fuss to be put down and left alone. Seriously, he just wanted out of the sling so he could lie on a blanket and move around and mellow out. I couldn't beleive it.

So don't get too anxious. You could, and probably will, have a completely different experience this time. And if you do have troubles, you will recognize what is going on right away and know how to resolve things a lot more quickly.

Hope all goes well.

[dahlialia]

I hope this comes across as reassuring, because that is my intent:

My 1st DD was very high needs. Would only sleep while being held - for 6 months. Did not sleep through the night reliably until she was 5 years old! As a baby, could not be put down while awake either. When she was teething she would wake 20+ times per night. And she was NEVER happy.

My 2nd DD is so much easier. I am enjoying her babyhood. As a newborn she would sleep a 5-hour stretch in the middle of the night. Made it SO much easier to recover from the birth. She is happy, rarely cries, and does not need to be held all the time.

But you know what...as much as I say my 2nd DD is easy, and enjoyable...she still wakes every 1-2 hours to nurse at night. She has nights where something is bothering her and she needs a lot of holding. She is happy to be down, in the exersaucer, stroller, etc., at times, but still REALLY prefers to be held a lot. I'm sure some would consider her to be a "rough" baby. But to me, she is far easier than my first was. But just as importantly, I have changed. I take the nights in stride because I know they won't last forever. I take wearing her for much of the day in stride because I know she is already 4 months, months that have flown by, and soon she will be crawling then walking and not want to be worn all day. With her, I am far better at forgetting the rough times as soon as they are over, and focusing on the good. With my first, it was the other way around.