Help! I stepped over the line.. - Page 2

[Ceinwen]

I'd have zero issues with my ex bringing up any issues at all. My claws would come out (unless I had a fab relationship with her) if his SO emailed/called to give unsolicited advice. Just like my ex would blow his stack if my gf emailed him to give him advice about the kids.... Maybe that puts it a little more in perspective? About the milk issue though - I do think you're right!

[BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs]

Well she finally read the email. She just wrote back "Please don't write to me", then called DH and told him that she would feed her son however she wanted to. So, much good that does! From now on if I'm concerned about him, if its serious, I'll just have DH talk to her or call CPS.

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by dachshund mom

I'd send another email to apologize right now. There is probably a reason. My ped was telling me that the kids with low iron are the ones drinking milk for thirst and filling up on it, so they aren't eating solids. She could be flavoring the water with milk so he'll drink it, but not fill up. It's dangerous to be letting him get most of his calories from cow's milk.

This. My son wanted NOTHING to do with solids and would have subsisted on milk had we not cut it with water. I am well aware that one year olds need other calorie sources, and I am sure that it would have appeared to an outsider that I was seriously screwing up.

ETA: Just re-read the original post and realized that given the young age of DSS and the fact that her ex is already remarried, your husband's ex is probably feeling very raw and threatened. I cannot imagine having to give up my baby for joint custody visits. Unless the baby is clearly not thriving, I think it would be best for you all to give your DP's ex a LOT of space and MYOB.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

ETA: Just re-read the original post and realized that given the young age of DSS and the fact that her ex is already remarried, your husband's ex is probably feeling very raw and threatened. I cannot imagine having to give up my baby for joint custody visits. Unless the baby is clearly not thriving, I think it would be best for you all to give your DP's ex a LOT of space and MYOB.

And your husband should be the only one intervening or participating in his son's care. You calling CPS over some concern you have is just so out of line.

[Materfamilias]

Um, yeah. Calling CPS on your DH's ex: way to make that relationship go from difficult to impossible.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs

Well she finally read the email. She just wrote back "Please don't write to me", then called DH and told him that she would feed her son however she wanted to. So, much good that does! From now on if I'm concerned about him, if its serious, I'll just have DH talk to her or call CPS.

Call CPs becuase you are concerned/don't like how your husbands exwife is rasing their child? And based on the posts, a child it appears she was pregnant with at the time you were getting together with her husband.

personally I think there is some middle ground between hoping your husband talks to her and calling CPS. That poor kid

[BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs]

I never SAID I was calling CPS over THIS. But she does MANY dangerous/unhealthy things with this baby, and if it gets to the point that his life is in danger, and she won't listen to DH, we will have to take other steps.

And FYI, I didn't "get with" my husband until their son was 6 months old. So you saying I was with him while she was pregnant was WAY out of line!

[Apple Girl]

Originally Posted by BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs

Well she finally read the email. She just wrote back "Please don't write to me", then called DH and told him that she would feed her son however she wanted to. So, much good that does! From now on if I'm concerned about him, if its serious, I'll just have DH talk to her or call CPS.

I think you are being a little unrealistic in your expectations. Please, for just a moment, put yourself in this other woman's shoes. You have a 6 month old baby, and your DH or SO leaves you to be with another woman. Only 6 months later, still stinging from the wound, you yet find the grace to invite her to your dear baby's birthday party, but by no means are you ready to be chummy with her.

Fast forward a few weeks, and now this other woman starts giving you parenting advice. And, on a public message board, threatens to call CPS unless you comply with her wishes.

I think you put it best in the title of this thread.

[BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs]

Why are you assuming they split up for him to be with me? That's utterly absurd. They broke up before we ever even talked. I'm not threatening to call CPS if she "doesn't comply with my wishes". I said if she continues doing things that are detrimental to DSS and won't even LISTEN to DH's concerns, SOMETHING has to be done to PROTECT DSS. How else is this supposed to be accomplished if she won't listen to anybody and even do research for the sake of her son? I mean, seriously? We are supposed to coddle her FEELINGS at the EXPENSE of DSS? I mean, really. I think I am done with this board. I have never been to a more negative place where all that seems to matter is his mother's feelings because "poor her, she's not with DSS's father anymore". I mean, REALLY.

[sugarpop]

Somehow this post went from good to bad and now it is going downhill. CPS doesn't have to be a threat or a negative. Children need an advocate and if your DSS needs you then and DH is unable to get the childs mother to do right then CPS may need to step in. You stated there was no Dr. recommendation for the watered down milk, he has a history of failure to thrive and now his mom is shutting you and DH down on discussing his nutricion. Really if she won't change and won't discuss it then you may have no choice but to turn to CPS.

(I just wanted to point out that we have no idea of the relationship DH had with the bio mom and why it ended. Before drawing conclusions and pointing fingers, it is possible that bio mom was the one who ended the relationship, or the relationship was over years ago but the child was concieved, or a whole bunch of things)

[Kirsten]

OP, if you are still reading, I would like to gently suggest letting your dp's ex mother her children and you mother yours. Even though they broke up before you met him, the fact that she had a 6 month old at the time of their break up and you are now with him so soon (in her mind) must be a very hard pill to swallow for her. Even the best intentioned advice will be shot down if it comes from you.

I would do what your dp thinks is best when the child is with you. I would not call CPS on her under any circumstances. I think she is being amazingly gracious in a very difficult situation. I would do the kind thing and leave her alone.

[greenemami]

I"m not sure why everyone is jumping all over the OP-she came here stating that she knew she stepped over the line and asking for advice about what to do now, not for everyone to tell her that she stepped over the line. And, I know I personally don't know the circumnstances of how she and her dh got together, who ended the relationship between dh and his ex, etc., so I really don't get why people are pointing fingers at her as the bad guy here. I am sure that having your baby's dad get married when said baby is under a year old is tough, but that could come from a myriad of circumstances. I bet it is also tough to stepmother a child that age.

OP, yes, I agree that you should let your dh do the communication from now on, and perhaps pass on your apologies. I would also have him contact the doctor and ask his/her recommendations for your dss's diet. Also, can you have dh e-mail his ex and get her response as to why dss is on that diet in writing? If it is some kind of intolerance as others hve suggested, it would be important to know that in any case-otherwise, I would give him the whole milk if htat is what is recommended by the ped and tell her that is what you will be feeding him as per recommendations.

If there are concerns about his well-being, I would have dh again contact her in writing to express his concerns and ask for solutions, and then take the proper steps if necessary. Good luck!

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

OP, if you are still reading, I would like to gently suggest letting your dp's ex mother her children and you mother yours. Even though they broke up before you met him, the fact that she had a 6 month old at the time of their break up and you are now with him so soon (in her mind) must be a very hard pill to swallow for her. Even the best intentioned advice will be shot down if it comes from you.

I would do what your dp thinks is best when the child is with you. I would not call CPS on her under any circumstances. I think she is being amazingly gracious in a very difficult situation. I would do the kind thing and leave her alone.

Exactly- and you said it much, errrrrr, nicely than I would have

[BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs]

Ok how is it a hard pill to swallow when she cheated on him and broke up with him and took his son of out of DH's life? WHY am I the bad person here? I posted KNOWING I stepped over the line. Being a stepmother is a new thing for me, and I'm doing the best I know how. At least I came here, asking for ADVICE (not to be called a homewrecker..which I'm not..or an evil stepmother..which Im not). I got good advice, at first. Then the attacks turned on me simply because I said if my son's health and well being is in danger, and she won't listen to DH OR her pediatrician, then SOMEONE needs to step in and be the child's advocate, and sadly if that has to be CPS it will be! I'm not going to coddle her feelings at the expense of a child I love very dearly and only want the best for.

I don't know why this turned into a bash the OP fest, but the negativity on this board is totally opposite from the other blended family forums I post on, which give great advice, are honest and blunt, but do not ASSUME things, they ASK for the full story, instead of throwing around assumptions such as I must have wrecked their home and stole DH from her and am trying to take over her son. I'm NOT. I have two beautiful children of my own and have no NEED to take over my stepson's lives. I simply want them to flourish and grow up healthy and secure. Maybe I handled this situation wrong, but does that make me evil?

[PoppyMama]

I generally identify with the mother but in this case I am square in your corner. Reconsider completely leaving because I assure you that the blended family board here is usually step-centric. Even though I am married and have a baby with my new husband I more often post on single parents because it's more mother oriented.

Hey guys! It's a good idea to check a members old posts before making a lot of assumptions.

[lmclanahan]

Forum jumping.
This is an emotionally charged topic, so many will respond with high emotion.
Focus on the child. If you feel that he is healthy, looks good, not sickly or ftt, that is what is important.
I think the mention of CPS, combined with the child's young age, is what caused the postings. CPS strikes fear in the hearts of many natural parents, so we hate to hear of it being used as a perceived threat. Too many bad stories.
Plus, many of us came from blended families with step-mothers who gave unsolicited advice that backfired, or caused our mother to go nuts sometimes. Good advice or bad, mind you.

[BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs]

I would love to stick around, I have gotten some of my BEST ADVICE in the short time I've been at this board. I generally try to see things from both perspectives, but this board helps me see more well rounded, from all views.

I just dont' understand why all the assumptions and all the bashing of me. I have made a mistake. How many of you have made mistakes in your journey as a stepparent? At least I had the decency to admit my mistake and ASK FOR HELP in rectifying it.

[aricha]

To the OP: Take the good advice and ignore the rude. There are people on here who have *incredible* insight into step-parenting, or who are able to give a different perspective in a respectful and meaningful way. I have gotten TONS of good advice here. I've also gotten bashed unmercilessly for things that I never said, did, or meant, and have spent far too much energy defending myself against what I thought were pretty bizarre assumptions and acusations.

I've come to learn which people here have situations similar to mine, who has been-there-done-that and has wisdom to share, and who can give me a different perspective that respects that there is more to every situation than they may know. Likewise, I have learned there are posters who are unlikely to understand the choices I make, or whose own history makes it difficult for them to see my situation as it is and not as they believe it to be.

I try to remember that, just as my story has complexities and history that may make it difficult for others to understand, the people responding in a way that seems harsh or disrespectful to me also have their own histories that I don't understand. When the reaction I get seems to be way off-base or way over-the-top, I try to remind myself it means there is more to their story than I know. And I ignore them and focus on the responses that are helpful to me.

Anyway, I hope you don't give up on all of us because of the assumptions of a few!

[violet_]

Originally Posted by aricha

To the OP: Take the good advice and ignore the rude. There are people on here who have *incredible* insight into step-parenting, or who are able to give a different perspective in a respectful and meaningful way. I have gotten TONS of good advice here. I've also gotten bashed mercilessly for things that I never said, did, or meant, and have spent far too much energy defending myself against what I thought were pretty bizarre assumptions and accusations.

This. Exactly.

You're doing the right thing looking out for your DSS. His health and well being are more important than his mother's ego.

I know people's sympathies often go to the mom in situations where the child is little at separation, (like it's not hard on the dad or stepmom at all) and, bizarrely, they often blame people outside of marriages when marriages break up. They even blame people who entered the scene afterwards. You'll have to get used to that accusation, I'm afraid. People can be highly illogical. Just ignore it.

As I mentioned before, my advice is to ignore parenting problems on the "other side" as much as humanly possible, and have your DH approach her for things that can't be ignored, such as improper feeding. CPS is clearly a last resort in any circumstance, but exists for a reason.

Good luck!

[rayo de sol]

I am appalled how some posters have been beating up on BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs. She's just concerned about the health of the baby, which she should be since his mother is committing SEVERE NEGLECT by feeding him NOTHING but watered-down low fat milk.

OP, I think you should call CPS in this situation. The poor baby is being half-starved. It's not like CPS would necessarily take the baby away from the bio mom, but they would inform her that she needs to feed him more appropriately. CPS exists for a reason.

Also, does your DH want to fight for partial custody?