How to tactfully avoid sending kids to house I'm uncomfortable with?

[Mama Soltera]

I would appreciate any insights you ladies have on this. My kids are allowed to go play at many friends' houses. There is one though that, while I'm more than fine having their kid at my house, I would never feel comfortable letting my kids go there without me (at any age). It's one of the parents who I really do not feel safe with at all. I feel bad about that but I always follow my mom instincts.

So, have any of you been in this situation? How did you successfully keep your kid(s) from ever going there without offending anyone?

[carfreemama]

How old are your kids? I have a 5 year old, so I still pick and choose a lot, anyway. However, that's changing, since dd is in school and has started to go to other kids' houses for playdates without me. Unti now, it's only been friends we've gotten to know together and that I'm completely comfortable with.

There is a little girl's house I would not feel comfortable letting my dd go to without me, even though we've been over there together and she's been to our house. So far, the mom's been more than happy to send her child over here; but I'm not sure what I'd say if she got an invitation to say, be picked up by the mom after school to go over there. If there's something specific that can be addressed, you can probably ask pretty directly and see if it can be resolved. A dealbreaker for me, for example, would be a smoker in the house. But it sounds like this is an overall situation you're dealing with. In that case I don't know what I'd say. For myself, I'll probably just make lame excuses for as long as necessary. I HATE confrontation of any sort. I hope someone else has some better answers for you!

[mysticmomma]

Well, I need more info. Which parent? What is the safety issue? I say honor your instincts, but could give more specific advice if you could be more detailed... even in pm if you are worried about privacy.

[Theoretica]

I agree, can you give a little more information?

[earthmama369]

I had (note the past tense) a friend like that. Loved her kids, but I would never make her responsible for the safety of mine. She was pretty persistent and actually kind of pushy about it, and I felt really uncomfortable coming out and saying that I didn't trust her with my children. There's just no way a friendship ever comes back from that, you know? I was very noncommittal, never ever made promises to bring the kids over, and worked it so that I stayed every time the kids went to her house to play. She ended up thinking I was really overprotective, but I didn't really care what she thought about me as long as I felt comfortable with the supervision my children were getting (i.e. directly from me at her house).

She has since gone on to make some really poor decisions and has put a good friend of mine in an untenable position because she abused their friendship so badly. I'm very glad I drew those boundaries hard and fast early on and I don't at all regret not letting her watch my kids. We're no longer friends.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

When I was a kid, there was a house like that in the neighborhood - my mom just didn't feel comfortable with us playing there. I don't know if she ever outright said it, but somehow I got the message that we were not to play at that house.

The father of the children who lived there turned out to be a former priest who was convicted of molesting over forty children when I was twelve.

Trust your mama instinct. What is the best thing that can happen if you don't?

[Mama Soltera]

I think I was avoiding being more specific because I didn't want people to accuse me of being judgemental or unfair. I will go ahead and say it though. The dad gives me some serious creeps. I don't even feel comfortable around him myself. I can't imagine letting my kids be anywhere near him when I am not. I like the mom and trust her. We're not friends or anything but I feel comfortable with her. It's the dad and I just don't want my kids over there at all (they are school aged).

[MeepyCat]

I would totally trust that feeling.

I don't know how tactful I'd feel the need to be here. I might just go with something like "I'd prefer that X came to our house," or, when talking to your own kids, "I'd rather you weren't over there without me." I would hold back on saying things like "I don't want my kids at your house because your husband creeps me out," to the mom mostly because I wouldn't want anyone to try and talk me out of that feeling.

[mommy68]

I agree with other people. It would depend on many things, especially my childs age at the time and how well I know the other parents. I'm pretty picky about who my children and I hang out with.

[mysticmomma]

:

[jacob's_mommy]

It's not an easy question...

And there's no simple solution for such a situation.
I think you that if your kid wants to go to that house -
you should tell him something like "Why don't you invite
your friend to our house" etc. Kids are smart, and after 2
or 3 times he'll understand you don't want him to go there.

[mi_amor]

When I was younger I also remember not being able to go a certain friend's house because one of her brothers was creepy. I would trust your instincts too, and agree with jacob's_mommy to tell your child to invite the other one over instead. That way the children can still be friends, and you feel better knowing your child is safe.

I don't think you need to say anything to the other parent, or if you have to, you could maybe say it just works better for you and leave it at that. I don't think you'd offend the other person if you said that.

[Golden]

No way if my mama gut was telling me not to.
Have you read The Gift of Fear?
https://www.gavindebecker.com/index...._gift_of_fear/

[Mama Soltera]

Yes, I have read that book. It's a great one. There's no way I would send my kids. I'm just dreading how to turn them down. Thanks everyone for your input. I do feel better about it now.

[LROM]

I didn't read all the posts so I didn't see what your relationship with the parents of that other kid are, but maybe you could basically say that your rule re: your child at other people's houses is that you spend a lot of time there with your child first, then eventually transition. And then you could just keep spending time there with your child and see what your instincts tell you. If you feel even more strongly that you don't want them at that house without you, you do have to find ways to pull back and just offer to host their child. Me, I'm very honest, and I would no doubt find a way to (hopefully gently) explain my reservations, and then let the chips fall where they may (some parents take it well, others don't).

But not everyone is comfortable explaining. Have you put your finger on exactly what things about the family or their home make you nervous? Have you been able to talk to either parent about some of those things, like feel them out about those things? If so how did it go? If not, why not? That might also get you some more clarity on your gut instincts.

At the end of the day like you said, it's your mommy instincts that matter most, whether you explain it or not.

[almama]

I first try the 'they can come here' line, and if that doesn't work, I just say, "I know it is crazy, but I'm not ready for it yet. How about if we go to the park or out for ice cream?" I put it on me, not the friend or friend's family.

[lerlerler]

Yesterday, I ran into a similar situation. Single Dad (that isn't the problem) who gave me a weird vibe.

He INSISTED that we went to HIS house. Oddly, at "drop off" I remembered that I needed to be down the street in a few hours so my younger som and I hung out with the kids. ANd I was SUPER helpful... and entertaining and helped cleanup....

He was gracious and appreciative and I left thinking "there's something odd going on in that house.... DD will NEVER be there alone"

btw, the vibe isn't "abuse" or "molestation" or I might feel the need to get involved to help the daughter... just "weird stuff being hidden from the outside world to better his chance at custody in a messy battle"

[reemasams]

i'm having 3 year old... she is interested in playing in my neighborhood.. but that always annoys me.. even i do feel the same.. whenever she goes there i fee something inconvenient... that too after hearing about molestations of children's in news and all i started telling her that i don't want her to play there.. now they started playing in our garden... make your child to get your thoughts.. believe your mom's word

[Super_mommy]

I don't allow my DD to go out without me.. Sometimes she does but I get her back immediately...

And moreover she needs me where ever she goes.. That way I don't have to go thourgh the pain of stopping her.