How can I help DD get through being ridiculed for her appearance?

[Calm]

Hi,

When I was a child, I was picked on by other children, severely, abusively.

There were many things to ridicule, kids are like sleuths at finding fault. I had (have) very white skin and very dark hair, which may be striking as an adult who can now shave her legs, but as a child, hairy legs that looked it didn't win me any browny points.

It didn't help that I was also very different. Again, a useful, even attractive quality as a teen and adult, not so much as a child.

Fast forward, my daughter (7 years old) is much like me. She looks like me and is an absolute one of a kind (only luckily for her we had it picked up on by a teacher and subsequently found out she is highly gifted, had this been picked up on in me, mine may have been a different experience). She finds it hard to blend with her age group, is better suited to older people. To be harsh, the kids just don't get her humour or how she sees the world, she really has to dumb it down to get along.

Anyway, she has recently been complaining that other kids pick on her "hairy legs" and some other things similar to me. Anyway, I was unprepared and didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. She has mentioned it to DH, who smiled and gave her a hug and then came to me, hoping I'd know how to deal with it.

I can only think of two options, so I am looking for any I've not thought of. At her age, I would have loved it if my mother had shown me how to bleach the hair on my arms and legs, it would have saved me some of the drama or at least the self loathing. But by the same token, I don't want to teach that to my daughter. I want more for her, to reject the majority notions of "beauty" and blah blah blah strong woman mantra etcetera.

I don't know WHAT to say to her to do the right thing here, and to empower her yet not let her rot in what is potentially a rotting zone as I had it. Hence why I wrote my story first... I don't want that to affect how I deal with this issue. I don't want to project my fears onto her of what happened to me.

This is potentially a very big long range affecting deal. What can I say to her?

BTW, she is actually stunningly beautiful (recent photos on my facebook). That's what is so frustrating about this. She is clever, funny and gorgeous. But I feel self criticism creeping in already, at such a young age.

[Bokonon]

She is absolutely beautiful.

And I think you are totally right in that kids will pick anything to make fun of. So if the arm/leg hair isn't an issue, something else will be. Kids are cruel, and my kids are young enough that I probably have a little time before I need to worry about it, but worry I will (I developed early, got my period at 10.5, got glasses at 7, so I am sadly familiar with the cruelty!).

I really don't know what the "right" answer is, but your daughter is very lucky to have such a smart and sensitive mother, because empathy is so important to a young girl.

Best of luck - I will be watching this thread to see what advice you get.

[HarperRose]

She's lovely.

I might teach her to shave or use nair or something, if it's extremely upsetting to her. If she needs it for her sanity, I'd do it. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing. She's lucky to have such an awesome mom.

[rachelsmama]

I doubt there is an easy answer, but since you've been there, maybe you can talk with her about what you went through, what you felt about it at the time and how you feel about it now, and see where the conversation leads.

[lach]

That is really tough.

I agree that the other kids will just find something else. If she bleaches her legs, they'll probably pick on her for that. If she's already a target, she just won't be able to win.

Seven just seems so young to abet her in achieving adult standards of beauty. If she was 10, I'd have no qualms about saying "it's too early, IMO, but I'd do it anyway." But 7... is just so young. Which makes this even sadder, that other kids are picking on her for this at that age.

I think I would maybe present the option. Talk it over with her. "This is something that adults do, and she you do it if you really want to." Maybe just having you give her an option, and showing that you understand, will empower her to be able to choose not to bleach. If that makes sense.

FWIW, I read this article ages ago, and thought it was really interesting. It might be helpful for you to read.

[SunshineJ]

Find role models for her that are/were "different". The only one that comes to mind is the character of Ang in Avatar on Nick but I know there are much, much better examples - let her see that she's not the only one who's been picked on for being different, and that while others may be cruel about it, overall it really is a positive thing.

[Super Pickle]

Calm,

I think this is probably especially difficult for you because it brings up the memories of being picked on for the exact same things.

I was also teased mercilessly as a child and it only got worse when the other kids realized that I was extremely sensitive and that their teasing affected me deeply.

I have a 9 year old and a 6 year old, and I have tried to help them cultivate a cavalier attitude towards teasing. When the mediocre little twerps who make fun of other kids realize it's not affecting them much, they often tire of it.

So far, our approach has worked pretty well. Both the boys have been made fun of for bringing healthy food to lunch, and in both cases, it started in first grade. We tried to think of some foods that would totally gross out their classmates, and then they took those foods to school. They loved making their classmates go wild, and after that the teasing kind of rolled off them.

Another time my son was being told he was "weird" ---in first grade. It's so sad. He's incredibly creative and imaginative and he is different, in a great way! Well, I suggested he smile a big smile and say, "Weird is wonderful!" and do something really bizarre. He tried it, and the boys that were calling him weird left him alone.

In my own life, I used to be brokenhearted because the kids would make fun of my last name -- Pickle (that wasn't the extent of it, but that's how it all started). Until on year I dressed up as Super Pickle for Halloween and then it no longer affected me.

Instead of trying to hids or modify the traits that the other kids are insuting, I think it would be better at this age to affirm them and give her a way of showing how much she likes herself. Not sure what that would look like in your case, but you can think of something together.

Hope that helps!

[mammal_mama]

What a lovely child you have!

We homeschool, but my 9yo dd has sometimes gotten teased and told she is "weird." She hasn't heard appearance-jokes yet -- but recently in a homeschooling co-op she felt left out by a group of girls. She is friends with one, and that friend wanted to include her in their "bubble" -- but this one girl was really mean and kept telling dd she couldn't sit with them.

Dd said she felt like maybe it was because she doesn't look like them. Dd is very tall for her age, and her same-age friends come up to about her shoulder. And she said when they sit in their little circle they all look so alike, about the same small size and they all have similar shades of long, straight, light-brown to dark-blond hair.

Dd's hair is actually very close to their color (with some red thrown in) -- only very short and curly. And thus far in her life, it has been very slow-growing (though it's thick). I've heard this all may change with the hormones of the teen years -- but if it doesn't change she may never have hair past shoulder-length, which will look shorter because of all the curl.

I still think she's just gorgeous -- but it seems she's having a really hard time right now, because she's newly becoming very aware of how she looks, and all the ways in which she's different from all the girls her age.

We've been noticing an occasional whitehead, which reminds me of all my struggles with truly horrid acne, and I'm hoping we can prevent it from being so bad with her. I have shown her a trick I've picked up, of applying pressure with a warm washcloth on a new zit, which causes it to implode and disappear much faster than they do when you squeeze 'em, which is how my mom had initially taught me to deal with mine.

So I'm hoping maybe this new trick will keep her face cleaner and less-likely to breed infectious, ever-spreading acne like I had.

Another similarity is the extreme tallness -- I think she's on an ever faster growth-track than I was. I recall some friends telling me that I could help them build their forts, but I wasn't allowed to sit inside because my height made them fall down. They saw no reason to make them a little higher just to accommodate me.

I try to share about some of the things we have in common, without dumping all my negative memories into the mix. I recall how when I cried about being ridiculed by other kids, and my mom would share her stories of being ostracized, this actually didn't comfort me -- it made me feel like I'd been visited with a family-curse and it was "in my genes" or something.

I think the best thing is to listen, and also to help our children see the big-picture reality that everyone has something different, and everyone feels like the odd-one-out sometimes. And yet, it's simply a fact that some people are the odd-ones-out HARDLY EVER ... and some of us practically ALL THE TIME.

I think you and I have both learned to embrace our little uniquenesses -- but of course everyone has to make her own journey toward self-acceptance and actually learn to love herself. We CAN share pieces of our journey and what helps us -- but sometimes I wish I could just take away her pain. Totally. But then she'd be dead -- and I really really want her to LIVE.

So I guess I have to let her experience all the realities of her being her. It's the only way. I don't always know exactly what to say, or what to tell you to say. But I feel sure you're exactly the mother she needs!

[Violet2]

I have the same coloring AND a lot of moles. Wasn't teased for it though. Probably b/c I was chubby , I was teased for that,quite severely at one point.

Why not just tell your daughter about your experience with an emphasis on how you moved past it so she sees this is just a phase in her life? It will be good for her to know you went thru similar troubles and are just fine.

And I would talk to her about the options for dealing with the hair and letting her choose what she does/doesn't want to do.

Further, I would be pushing the school to do some anti-bullying stuff to try and stop the problem at its source.



V

[nextcommercial]

SHe is very beautiful.

But, I think almost every girl gets picked on for her hairy legs.... or needing a bra before the others, or not needing a bra soon enough, or having big teeth.... It doesn't matter WHAT it is, kids pick on other kids. I can't explain why they do, but they do.

You can try to empower her, but it still hurts. She will still have those insecurities of letting people see her leg hair. Those things last a long time.

One thing that helps is having good friends. I think if you have at least one good friend, you can handle anything. I remember being in 8th grade, new school, new state.... everything was completely different than where I grew up. I dressed really weird (to them) SO, I was tormented for the entire year just because of how I dressed the first few weeks of school. (I made my mom buy me all new clothes) But, soon, I had a best friend. And after that, the things the other kids did and said bothered me, but not too much, because my friend and I could ignore it together. I wasn't ignoring it alone. She got picked on for being overweight. I got picked on for being underweight... but, she and I did our own things and it didn't bother us anymore.

[A&A]

I've taught my dd the Eleanor Roosevelt quotation:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."


And what are you doing to address/meet her giftedness? I'd consider skipping her a grade:

www.nationdeceived.org

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Super Pickle

Instead of trying to hids or modify the traits that the other kids are insuting, I think it would be better at this age to affirm them and give her a way of showing how much she likes herself. Not sure what that would look like in your case, but you can think of something together

I don't have any advice of my own (I was teased as a child too, so the thread title caught my eye), but Super Pickle, your whole post is BRILLIANT. I totally need to remember it for my dd in case she needs it....and hope I can be as creative as you!

[Carlyle]

Wow, and that link Lach posted is great too. Maybe you can take her advice to talk with her and present the options, but have one of the options be that you could dye the leg hair green and buy a shortish skirt...

[lach]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I remember being in 8th grade, new school, new state.... everything was completely different than where I grew up. I dressed really weird (to them) SO, I was tormented for the entire year just because of how I dressed the first few weeks of school. (I made my mom buy me all new clothes) But, soon, I had a best friend. And after that, the things the other kids did and said bothered me, but not too much, because my friend and I could ignore it together. I wasn't ignoring it alone. She got picked on for being overweight. I got picked on for being underweight... but, she and I did our own things and it didn't bother us anymore.

I had this same situation! I moved to a town in 7th grade that was much more conservative and affluent than where I had previously lived. On the first day of school I wore my super cool babydoll dress I had bought at Urban Outfitters (it was so trendy!) but everyone was wearing pegged jeans and the exact same sweater from The Gap. I can still picture that sweater, I was amazed that there were all these girls with the exact same sweater, and they seemed to think that I was the freak? Anyway, some Mean Girl asked me if I was pregnant and for the rest of the year they asked me how my pregnancy was going. Now it sounds kind of funny and lame, but at the time it was really awful! They were pretty vicious to me. I think there were a lot of nasty accusations about STDs too (you know, because of my "pregnancy" I was obviously sexually active... clever, right?)

I finally made some really good friends at the end of 7th grade, and my 8th grade year was so much easier, just because I had a pack and when someone picks on a pack it's just dumb. Being singled out for something only works if you're singled out: if you're part of a group, you know the problem isn't you, it's the tormenter. Which just makes it really easy to ignore.

Does your daughter have at least one really good friend? Does she do any extracurricular activities? Taking an art class or a sport or a drama class (whatever she's really interested in) might help her make some new friends and boost her self esteem.

[meemee]

calm,

listen to your heart. seriously your inside knows just the right words.

i am in a kinda similar situation. at 3 my dd asked me not to do her hair a certain way so she wouldnt look like an 'alien'. she said she felt like an alien. today at 7 she is a happy popular child who mixes with everyone, does girl scouts but has only one bf. she really does not have friends and spends most recesses alone. she does much better with older kids who are not there when seh is out at recess.

i wasnt teased as a child so much. however i never fit in. i felt different. in most cases i still do. i feel more as a onlooker rather than a participant.

however i also follow the philosophy that no one is a bad person. they just dont know how to behave. so the action of teasing is bad. but the bully isnt. dd is a philosopher so for me its easy to talk to her.

for us i think the only thing that helps is talking. she and i discuss things. for instance if we were in a similar situation i would tell my dd how people are uncomfortable with uncommon things. anything out of the ordinary and they want it to look like everything else. the key question i have for my dd every single time is how SHE feels about it. every summer she grows chubby and shoots off right when school starts. she was really being affected by her dad calling her fat. so i sat with her and talked and asked her what SHE thought. did she feel fat? what does being fat mean? does she feel 'unhealthy'. was her 'overweight' affecting her life.

for her what really helped was getting into the minds of the bully. even though i talked to her the key realisation happened when she watched bridge to terabithia and saw the bully turn into the gentle giant and why she was a bully.

in a sense when we have a talk i feel like i am talking to an adult - not a child, something that her teachers from K have told me too.

you have to try and find that place that your dd feels comfortable to talk about issues. we talk about things even before they happen. or if she has seen something somewhere else and hasnt experienced it herself.

my dd knows she is smart. she knows she is different. playing and children are important to her so she does dumb down.

i always start by reflecting her feelings. or i guess what she may be feeling. many times i am wrong at the guesses but it helps her find the right feelings to guess.

we do a lot of mourning circles. how things are not how we want them to be. why someone has to be mean to someone else.

i also realise i am her most important role model. i think to date this truly affects her. i have seen her amazed at my lack of reaction, until i explain why i behaved that way. how my lack of action was the biggest action itself. that just because daddy yells at me over the phone that i should yell back.

is there anyone else who could talk to her? adult. your friends or family? my dd sits and has conversations with her teacher. or he brings it up.

[minkleaf]

I was 'different' as a kid (multiracial, moved into a small town from the city) and picked on a little. But I don't remember it bothering me too much. My parents always reinforced how beautiful and special they thought I was and that I didn't have to worry about what other people thought about me, especially ones who didn't really know me.

[Calm]

Wow, I did not expect such a response. I am so grateful. I took notes while reading, like a total geek, so I would remember what I wanted to respond to. It wouldn't surprise me if there were a larger percentage of both gifted and previously picked on people at MDC, as "different" seems to be a prerequisite for this type of parenting path.

Acne: Just wanted to quickly mention that nothing tops hydrogen peroxide for acne/pimples. It is the "secret ingredient" in proactive (if that is the name of that stuff). Just dob it on and leave it on, diluted to perhaps 2%? Maybe more maybe less, experiment. Rinse it off if it is uncomfortable or whatever, but leave it on long enough to work its magic. It shouldn't burn, that's too strong. It may sting a little if the wound is open.

moles: I'm COVERED in them. That is actually another issue she is "growing", so far she only has what can be called very dark freckles cropping up. I actually wondered if she was making it up that others were picking on this and if she is actually more concerned than they are. I was very self conscious of this as a child because I was called "the mole patrol" for several years. It is in adulthood as a naturopath and closet scientist that I have found the cause and therefore the cure. Here is my webpage on this.

Green leg hair: this cracked me up. Brilliant idea! I will talk to DH about this point of view. DD is the kind of person who would jump at the chance. She wants pink hair, so maybe we'll start by dying her leg hair pink.

Giftedness: I like the title of that link "a nation deceived", sounds right up my alley. I have it open and will read it after this. I have plans to homeschool her when we have our land rehabilitated and some kind of shanty erected on it. She likes the socialising of school, but it does stress her too much. Too many rules between girls and that doesn't even count the rules of the school itself. I can't wait to get that all happening because I feel every day kids get more baggage at regular schools. But I also don't want her to be lonely.

She went to a steiner school at the start of this year, and that almost killed her. She ended up seeing things and having bizarre vision problems (have threads here about it actually) and the paediatrician even had an MRI done. She was going severely backwards. We took her out and she came good again. The curriculum there is NOT suited to gifted kids, or at least, not my kid. It's a one size fits all or something, and they refused to give more academic work to her even though we both begged; she still came home with words like "cat" to learn. She was bereft about it and felt more alien than ever, and it took months to pin point the reason. I thought it would be better for her there, not worse! So she was back at her previous school for the rest of this year.

One good friend: not really, unfortunately. She has friends, but none resonate with her deeply. They are quick to leave her out of games and seem so fickle.

Hurt people hurt people - I have tried to instill in her the idea that people who hurt others have been very hurt themselves. Happy, healthy, joyful people don't want to lower others or elevate themselves or lash out. I think it went in because she told me one day that a horrid bully went beserk one day and attacked a teacher and she added, "He must be such a sad person to do that. Maybe he is hit by his mother." Which also shows that understanding why someone hurts her doesn't really prevent the hurt.

Ok, so I'm off to read those two links. And find toxic free pink dye. heh heh.

Thank you for commiserating.

[GoBecGo]

In terms of giftedness, having older friends and mixing poorly with peers without "dumbing down" she is me as a child. And i too was picked on. Luckily for me i was blonde so no hair problems until i was 12 or so. But i was told i was fat and ugly all my childhood years by peers. I can remember deciding to go on a diet when i was 14 because my nicknames were "man" and "beast" - my BMI in those days was 18.5. But i'm nearly 6 feet tall, and un/lucky enough to have DD-cup breasts by 12, no matter how slender i was, and i guess "small" for me was "huge" to them.

Anyway - things that helped:

My mother had me attend mixed-age youth groups (one of which she RAN as a youth leader) so i had access to people 2 or 3 years older than me which meant i could have friendships where i didn't have to act dumber than i was. All the friends i have still from childhood are 2.5 years + older than me or were the other weirdish gifted kids at school.

I went to a big big school which supported gifted children by streaming within classes. This meant i was given challenging work the whole time (great) but also that the less able kids could SEE how much further ahead i was (not always good, until i hit 13 and began using my smarts as a weapon). Being part of a large student body meant a) there was more chance of meeting other gifted kids and b) there was more of a crowd to blend in with when i needed some camouflage and a break from the teasing.

My mother and father told me i was beautiful frequently and helped me to do the things *I* felt i needed to do with my appearance to feel better, including showing me how to shave my legs AND buying me cerise dye to colour my waist-length blonde hair (it literally stopped traffic! ). They gave me options and supported my choices, but in retrospect they always offered the most "follow-the-flock" option last, as a kind of "i guess if we really wanted to we could do this" but i was never encouraged to give in to pressure, while being offered the options of for example buying and wearing a minimiser bra when i'd had a month of abuse about my large chest, just so i could get a bit of a break - the pretty push-ups came out again once i was ready! Or, when i was your DD's age wearing a blue outfit for a day when i'd had enough abuse over the yellow one i loved - again, i got the yellow one out again when i felt ready, but there was no pressure to keep pushing an envelope if i didn't want to.

I wore flowery Dr Marten boots for nearly 2 years, and i was called names for it almost every day. Even though i was teased and tripped by then (15/16) i had this obtuse satisfaction that my sense of self was so strong it really didn't make me want to stop anymore. I can remember the refrain "flowery boots" being sang over and over by a hallway of about 30kids i was trying to get past and saying the the most aggressive (ringleader who had been teasing me for 5 years by then) ""flowery boots"? Wow, that's incredible! Were you up all night writing that one?" and the other 29 kids roaring laughing at her. I think that was the first time i swung my hips as i strutted off.

This isn't an easy thing for a little girl to get through but with support, imagination and a good sense of perspective (i mean, we all like our own kids but i just looked and she IS really very very lovely, even by kid standards (very ugly kids being a rarity IMO)) she'll do it. Jealousy does horrible things to people, and kids especially can be very cruel about it. She's smart, beautiful and loved. That's both the "problem" and where the solution lies. I think the ideas here are really great, with your guidance and support she'll find her way through these years and come out strong and sure. Many to you both.

[Calm]

Great post with heart, as always, GBG .

I really need to report - I have read that link, Lach and it lead me to the website. It is revolutionary, yet so simple. I feel so empowered by it and feel I can change my daughter's life with it. This is the document I just read: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/How-to-Stop-Being-Teased-and-Bullied-Without-Really-Trying
of which I read all the lessons. Many thanks for that. I will pass it on.

[treemom2]

Originally Posted by Super Pickle

Calm,

I think this is probably especially difficult for you because it brings up the memories of being picked on for the exact same things.

I was also teased mercilessly as a child and it only got worse when the other kids realized that I was extremely sensitive and that their teasing affected me deeply.

I have a 9 year old and a 6 year old, and I have tried to help them cultivate a cavalier attitude towards teasing. When the mediocre little twerps who make fun of other kids realize it's not affecting them much, they often tire of it.

So far, our approach has worked pretty well. Both the boys have been made fun of for bringing healthy food to lunch, and in both cases, it started in first grade. We tried to think of some foods that would totally gross out their classmates, and then they took those foods to school. They loved making their classmates go wild, and after that the teasing kind of rolled off them.

Another time my son was being told he was "weird" ---in first grade. It's so sad. He's incredibly creative and imaginative and he is different, in a great way! Well, I suggested he smile a big smile and say, "Weird is wonderful!" and do something really bizarre. He tried it, and the boys that were calling him weird left him alone.

In my own life, I used to be brokenhearted because the kids would make fun of my last name -- Pickle (that wasn't the extent of it, but that's how it all started). Until on year I dressed up as Super Pickle for Halloween and then it no longer affected me.

Instead of trying to hids or modify the traits that the other kids are insuting, I think it would be better at this age to affirm them and give her a way of showing how much she likes herself. Not sure what that would look like in your case, but you can think of something together.

Hope that helps!

I was a school guidance counselor for many years and this is what I tried to teach the kids who were being teased and unable to deal with it effectively. However, not all children are able to turn the teasing around. I found this out when my DD started coming home everyday crying because she was being teased. Although we role played a lot and tried to come up with ways to deal with it. . .for her, it didn't stop. We ended up pulling her out of school to homeschool. Granted, I hated letting her "give up", but we were thinking about it anyway before this started and seeing my normally very happy child being so sad everyday was too much. Good luck with your DD, she really is a beautiful child.