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DH's ex has done it again

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
This is mostly a vent but I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this because I am at the end of my rope.

To give some background, DH had been divorced for 5 years when I met him and from the start, DH's ex has tried to control every holiday. Their agreement was to alternate holidays but DH was always so accommodating to her that he always let her have time with DSS even when it was his holiday. This became a problem because she wouldn't stick to the agreed upon time and I got tired of our holidays being ruined so I told DH that this needed to stop. Basically even though it was DH's holiday, DSS's mom would keep him the entire day and all of the plans we had for DSS would be ruined. So DH stopped sharing when it was his holiday to have DSS but his ex has continued to do everything she can to disrupt our time/plans with DSS.

So this year is no exception. This is the 9th year I have gone through this - and this happens with many holidays through out the year, not just Christmas, and it's even harder now because DH and I have 2 young children who adore their big brother. I was honestly preparing myself for the dissruption. I knew it was coming so I thought ahead and thought my DH and DD's could visit some of my family who live in the same city and we could drop DSS off at his mom's house and I wouldn't feel that our plans were ruined because we were planning for it.

My DH and I started discussing plans for Christmas Eve. Everything was going smoothly. It was sounding like we were going to have a great family filled day. Then later that evening, DH tells me DSS has a doctor's appointment on Christmas Eve. Now if we lived in the same city, it wouldn't be so bad, although I would have still been a little irritated because I know what DSS's mom is up to, but since we live an hour away it just really has me upset. So basically, DH has to drive DSS an hour to his doctor appointment, then an hour back. So depending on how long the appointment takes, that's 2 - 3+ hours out of Christmas eve. When I ask DSS if he wants to spend time with his mom on Christmas eve while we are visiting some of my family, he looks at me crazy and says no. So this tells me his mom has plans to go out of town. By the way, there is no problem with DSS coming to my family get togethers. I was just trying to plan ahead for the dissruption.

DSS had knee surgery the day before Thanksgiving (our holiday again). It's a long story but DHH gave up several Thanksgiving holdiays to be accommodating to his ex's travel plans so it was agreed that DSS would spend both holidays with us this year. Supposedly this injury was so serious it had to be taken care of right away, and DSS would be missing more than a week of school. The first available day was the day before Thanksgiving. Although it was a couple of months after the surgery and DSS was now walking fine. I questioned DH about waiting until Christmas break for the surgery so DSS wouldn't miss more than a week of school during his senior year. DH informs me oh no, this is the best surgeon in the state - he wouldn't be doing the surgery if it wasn't necessary...bla, bla, bla, (not sure why, but he believes anything his ex says). So DSS has the surgery and guess what he doesn't have this injury after all. Doesn't need the week+ recovery. DSS didn't even have an MRI to diagnose the injury. Seems like a any normal mom would have questioned the doctor, but she didn't. Sorry I got off track, but the appointment on Christmas Eve is a follow up to the post op appointment he had for this surgery. He is fine, the surgery went fine, his knee is fine, so this appointment could have waited.

The sad thing is DH can't or won't see that she does these things on purpose and I don't know how to deal with this. I am so irritated that DSS's mom scheduled an apoinment for DSS on Christmas eve and hour away during our time with DSS. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to keep DSS from his medical care and would completely understand if it was necessary, but it's not anything that can't wait. His appointment is in the late morning and plans with my family are in the late afternoon so it's not like all of us can go and then go to the get together. DD's and I will miss out on 2 - 3+ hours with DH and DSS on Christmas Eve. I'm sure DSS's mom has told DH this appointment must be done that week and this is the only time the doctor has. DH won't even question her when she does things like this. When I questioned DH about the injury and why DSS was now walking fine he insisted that the injury had been diagnosed by an MRI. I told DH nothing from the insurance company had come for an MRI, but still wouldn't listen to me.

I wish I had known how hard dealing with a DH's ex was going to be. I was not prepared for a life like this. It makes it harder that even though this has been going on for 9 years, it is difficult for DH to see that his ex does do some of these things on purpose. Has anyone else been through anything like this? I could use some support.
post #2 of 11
Can you call and reschedule the appointment?
post #3 of 11
Thread Starter 
I would love to call and reschedule the appointment but DSS's mom tells DH that this the only appoinment available and DH believes her. If I question DH about was DSS's mom says then DH gets upset with me. Any advice on how to approach DH?
post #4 of 11
Call and ask the doc if you can get in sooner (do you have DSS the day before xmas eve?), maybe his mom never has to know. Some docs will call if there is a cancellation too, if you ask them to put you on a list. You may have to call the doc yourself, my dh would never do a scheduling thing like that.
post #5 of 11
Maybe I'm a difficult one, but I'd probably (depending on the need for the appointment) just say no. She doesn't get to schedule things during your parenting time, period.

And at the very least I'd call the doc and reschedule -- preferably to a time during tme mom's parenting time, since she lives in that town. How would your DH react? He needs to be on your side in these things.

Also, even if all else fails and he still goes -- cheer up!! Since this is your DSS's senior year, then it will be up to him to schedule his own time from now on, so this may be the last year at her mercy!
post #6 of 11
I am calling BS on this appointment. I have had knee surgery before. Insurance wont pay for the surgery unless certain procedures are followed - X-ray first, then MRI, then Surgery. I had my surgery follow up w/in a few days of the surgery. They took out the stitches and also started PT (I did have an injury).

After Christmas, so as not to ruin your family Holiday any further, you and your DH need to sit down with a neutral third party and have a frank discussion of things. It seems to me, he is putting his X before you. You need to remind him why he divorced her.
post #7 of 11
I'm all for "call and reschedule it yourself" on this one - but try to do it on your parenting time so as to have the whole thing over with by the time she gets back in town. If she brings it up, then you (or DH) can just say "yeah, something opened up on the 23rd, isn't that handy?"

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this for all these years, but it does sound like it's almost over!
post #8 of 11
Thread Starter 
I asked DH if we could reschedule the appointment and he said no - it's the only appointment until Feb. I just don't understand why he believes everything she tells him.

I am also worried that anyday we will get something from the insurance company saying they aren't paying for the surgery since the correct procedures weren't followed.

Hopefully this will be the last year at her mercy!
post #9 of 11
What's the harm if you reschedule for February? It doesn't sound like an emergency.
post #10 of 11
This is how DH's ex-wife is and she's not going to change. It sounds like your DH has no interest in fighting this battle. I would just accept it as a quirk of family life.

Maybe think of it this way; DH and his son to have two hours in the car together. That can be a nice way to connect.
post #11 of 11
If the ex is that controlling and trying to b!tch your time with DSS on purpose, it may be that your DH is terrified of standing up to her and doesn't want to rock the boat, for fear of losing his contact with his son. I know my DH did that for a few years until we had a very serious talk about it and he realized what was going on.
BTW can you just call that dr yourself and ask about the appts? Quick way to find out if Feb really is the first appt after Xmas eve.
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